Next big step -Paris!

zigzag

zigzag

New member
On Sunday Wolf asked Angel if she would come to Paris with in 4 weeks time for a few days as his official girlfriend while he is on business.

To be clear I knew this was coming because he had asked me first if I was Ok with him asking her even though they know they don't have to ask my permission for anything, it was still very sweet of him to check with me.

Anyway she said yes, on the condition that I am OK with it. I said I am, and I am, hopefully!

Their relationship is well established and as we only live 10 miles away from Wolf for many months now he typically spends two nights a week (usually one weekday and one weekend day) with Angel and they also go out together alone during the day for lunches or to his house for an afternoon etc. However this will be different. Normally when they overnight and we are at Wolf's I am in the guest room. At our house its the same way except they have the guest room. (I am also good at making my self scarce if I feel its appropriate when we are at either house during other times.)

So while Paris will be no different practically, I will not have the "safety net" of going to bed knowing they are in the same house, not that I have ever actually needed to use it.

Angel and I have talked about an interim step but I felt, and suggested, that as it would really be Angel's first ever full nights completely alone with another lover since she has come out as Polyamorous that what better and memorable place for it to be than in a romantic hotel in Paris. I have said that I want my being cool about it to be my gift to her.

So I am desperate to be cool about it, and I hope I will be. I know if I am not cool I will manage to keep it under wraps until they go away and then be upset and difficult when she returns taking the glow of the whole trip.

So part of the reason of posting here is to get any advice and also it helps to get my thoughts down and also to seek any advice.

I would also say I have been, I think, good at managing jealousy and anxiety at each stage of their relationship (with help from the good folks on this forum) which has allowed it to grow and thrive without constraints from me. I wrote in my own journal that my ambition for supporting Angel and managing jealously and anxiety was for her to feel able to go on holiday with Wolf - so here we are.
 
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Hi zigzag,

I think the most important thing for you to do during this Parisian trip is to keep yourself occupied. Do stuff that you are interested in that Angel is not interested in. Watch movies/TV shows that she doesn't care for. Do stuff that she couldn't/wouldn't want to do with you. Take advantage of this time to yourself; transform it into freedom.

Don't hesitate to turn to this forum for help getting through this in one piece. We're here to support you.

Best wishes to all three of you,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
When I am away from my partners, I binge watch Netflix. It isn't exactly healthy, but I am able to focus on a show and a storyline exclusively.
 
Kevin and Bluebird gave you good advice. How about meeting a friend that you have not seen for a while?

If the falling asleep or worrying about Angel is something you fear, would a good night text each night at a certain time be a good idea? That way you know she is okay.

kdt26417 said:
Don't hesitate to turn to this forum for help getting through this in one piece. We're here to support you.
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Amen. Just come here and write about your anxiety... it will be better than pouring it all over Angel on her return ;) And, it is not the end of the world if you end up not being totally cool with this. It is a learning curve, and you are allowed to feel everything you happen to feel. It does not hurt anyone if you let Angel know about your anxious or unhappy feelings. Been there myself - my partners have not always been totally cool with my other relationships, but we have gotten over it. And things have improved during the years: less anxiety, better communication.
 
Maybe now is a good time for you to go explore a place on your own? Perhaps a place that Angel is not particularly interested in? Like you love mountain biking and she doesn't, so go have yourself the most epic of mountain biking trips. (Or whatever your equivalent would be.)

And, yes, give yourself a break if this is harder on you than expected (and she might experience some growing pains too as this is the first 'away' of their relationship if I understand your summary correctly).
 
It's only unhealthy when Netflix screws up on a technical issue. :mad: :) "Loading ... loading again ... loading again ... and again and again ..."
 
Or when they dump older seasons of Top Gear when you're binge-watching season 10. :mad:

Hello, Hulu...
 
Netflix snatched away a bunch of Law & Order episodes as well. Bastards.
 
Bluebird said:
When I am away from my partners, I binge watch Netflix. It isn't exactly healthy, but I am able to focus on a show and a storyline exclusively.
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But I think there's a bit of a difference between being away from your partners who are monogamous to you because they're at choir rehearsal and work...and being away from your partner because she's having a romantic getaway with another man.
 
zigzag said:
On Sunday Wolf asked Angel if she would come to Paris with in 4 weeks time for a few days as his official girlfriend while he is on business.
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Awesome! Cue Bogey: "We'll always have Paris." Only this time, no Nazis!

we only live 10 miles away from Wolf for many months now he typically spends two nights a week (usually one weekday and one weekend day) with Angel and they also go out together alone during the day for lunches or to his house for an afternoon etc.
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So, like 4 dates a week? How do you occupy yourself during those dates?

However this will be different. Normally when they overnight and we are at Wolf's I am in the guest room. At our house its the same way except they have the guest room. (I am also good at making myself scarce if I feel its appropriate when we are at either house during other times.)
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Hold on. Are you saying when Angel goes to overnight at Wolf's, you go along? Why? Maybe start sending her over there alone so you can practice being alone in your house, and learn to enjoy it? Practice makes perfect. How did you 3 agree it was YOUR call to decide when it was appropriate to "make yourself scarce?" I wonder if they'd like you to be even more scarce, ie, not be there at all at Wolf's when Angel overnights there.

So while Paris will be no different practically, I will not have the "safety net" of going to bed knowing they are in the same house, not that I have ever actually needed to use it.
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What is this safety net and how do you imagine "using" it? You sound (maybe a bit overly) attached at the hip to Angel.

Angel and I have talked about an interim step but I felt, and suggested, that as it would really be Angel's first ever full nights completely alone with another lover since she has come out as Polyamorous that what better and memorable place for it to be than in a romantic hotel in Paris. I have said that I want my being cool about it to be my gift to her.

So I am desperate to be cool about it, and I hope I will be.
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Why not take baby steps? What's this "being cool" shit? You're obviously anxious and nervous. You want to pretend to her you're all Zen when you're not?

I know if I am not cool I will manage to keep it under wraps until they go away and then be upset and difficult when she returns taking the glow of the whole trip.
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Yeah, that would really suck! What is the problem here? Are you just afraid of being alone? Are you afraid her plane will go down? She can't even go on a local overnight without you. Now you don't even want to practice that, you're pushing yourself way beyond your comfort zone in sending her on a transAtlantic flight, and 4 nights thousands of miles away. Oops! Edit, you're already in France, so she will just be driving to the big city. There aren't even any planes involved.

Sounds like you are a glutton for punishment. Do you have anxiety disorder, or something else going on?

I would also say I have been, I think, good at managing jealousy and anxiety at each stage of their relationship (with help from the good folks on this forum) which has allowed it to grow and thrive without constraints from me. I wrote in my own journal that my ambition for supporting Angel and managing jealousy and anxiety was for her to feel able to go on holiday with Wolf - so here we are.
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Sounds like you're still fearful of losing Angel, either to Wolf or to ... death? Are you being treated for anxiety? My gf has anxiety disorder and is on Wellbutrin and Celexa and it really helps. Recently she went off her meds because she needed her every 6 mos dr's appt to renew her prescriptions, and was playing phone tag with his office for weeks. Hoo boy, was I ever glad when she got back on her meds. She is so much calmer and more functional and organized!

My advice, depending on how soon this trip to Paris is planned? Baby steps. Send her off to Wolf's place on her own for their local overnights. Don't bite off more than you can chew, only to have to tamp down fears and resentments during and after her trip.
 
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Magdlyn said:
My advice, depending on how soon this trip to Paris is planned? Baby steps. Send her off to Wolf's place on her own for their local overnights. Don't bite off more than you can chew, only to have to tamp down fears and resentments during and after her trip.
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This, this, this!

When Chops suggested that he, Xena, and I spend a weekend camping together so we could hit the local Highland Games, I was *full* of trepidation about how the sleeping/tenting/spending an entire weekend together thing would work.

We started with baby steps: blowing up an air mattress in the living room and having a "sleepover" with all three of us (pajamas on, no wink-wink-nudge-nudge). I wanted to know that if I wigged out, I'd know ahead of time (BEFORE buying tickets), and I'd be able to retreat to my own bed, rather than being stuck on a campsite where I'd have to retreat to the car.

Baby steps may help here as well - a one-day overnight, perhaps. Pretending you're dealing with the timezone difference and maybe checking in at "odd" times to say hi/goodnight - that type of thing. A sort of practice run.
 
But I think there's a bit of a difference between being away from your partners who are monogamous to you because they're at choir rehearsal and work...and being away from your partner because she's having a romantic getaway with another man.
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I currently have monogamous partners, but I have dated poly partners with other partners, and have had them leave to go on vacation with their other girlfriend. :) That said, I don't think the difference negates my suggestion. He is still capable of trying to binge watch Netflix, and if that doesn't work, he can try someone else's advice. I suggest Breaking Bad, Prison Break or the first couple of seasons of 24. :)
 
HappilyFallenAngel said:
I hadn't noticed this until Magdlyn pointed it out. Interested to hear more about why you're along for their overnights.
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This is a really good question. But you would need to understand the relationship. We spend a huge amount of time as a 3some, we are not a Triad I have no romantic relationship with Wolf, but he is a very very good friend and we spend a lot of time together. We did BEFORE it became sexual between Angel and Wolf and they are very keen that this was not lost. We call these days "family days" and we have them twice a week. One weekday, One weekend day. We do things together, cook, garden, walk, go to shows, restaurants, bars etc etc etc then at the end of the day Angel usually, but not always, sleeps in Wolf's bed. Sometime she sleeps with me, sometimes she bed hops, sometimes we are all in the same bed, sometimes we have threesomes. Sometimes, if they are getting amorous at other times on a family day I go a do the shopping, or the cooking, or my email of whatever so they can make-out. That's what I mean buy making myself scarce.

They have dates on their own, when they do what they want, but they are not overnights, yet.

The reason they have not slept over before is because THEY were not ready for it, I have offered it several times. Yes, Angel and I aver very close, not joined at the hip, but together since our teens so her not being complete away from me was her choice. Her quote is "I like to keep all my chicks close". This is working for us. Wolf also is unhappy if it seems he is dominating Angel and has her to him self and pushing me out.

Wolf also has had an previously unhappy family life and is very very keen to keep the family vibe that we have going.

This works for us.

In fact I came on this forum several months ago and raised the issue that I thought they were wrong, in how they wanted to be together but wanted me close too, and I was given quite bit of a kicking and told it was not my business as what speed they went and to keep my mouth shut.

So here we are. We realise that if I had a girlfriend, or Angel had a different boyfriend it would not be like this but that’s the way this relationship has grown up. I have set ZERO constraints on them, ZERO rules, nothing is forbidden by me (place, time, acts etc). We have one rule "nobody gets hurt".

PS. I live in France, as my profile says. So Paris is 1-2 hrs away on the train.
 
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Seems like they have some kind of guilt complex. I don't mean to downplay the bromance between you and Wolf, but if he won't take the female to an overnight by himself now and then, and can only seem to imagine being a duo if he whisks her away to a different city, it seems like there's an issue there.

I would still request their cooperation in taking the baby steps over the next 4 weeks of doing overnights at Wolf's place so that all can be ready for the Paris trip. I see they have a fear of being without you too.

Another baby step, since you are such a close trio, could be you joining them in Paris, at least for a day.
 
Thanks Magdlyn for the kind advice.

I don't think there is any guilt, its just they were ready to be together alone for a longer period and this coincided with Wolf getting a +1 invite to Paris for a couple of days, so Angel could go as his girlfriend. So this seemed a very romantic way for it to happen.

I'm not 100% convinced with too small baby steps, sometimes I have found its better to take bigger steps which stops a "death by a thousand cuts" approach. This is how it was for their first sex together, first all night together etc. No rules, no constraints, nothing forbidden. I'm with Franklin Veaux on this when he says sometimes its better to reach under the bed a grab the biggest monster by the throat.

I feel I am ready for their step and my post was that I just needed to support so that I did not f%&k it up.
 
One new development is that Wolf has just obtained a brilliant TV assignment in Latin America for 90 days that will be fantastic for him. He will be back once or twice but will need to leave from Paris. So now, if logistics work, they will go to Paris for a few days from where Angel will wave him off to Buenos Aires. So it will be a really big deal for them. So I am doubly sure I want it to go well for them. I am also feeling cooler towards the whole thing, so I am glad I had plenty of notice and chatted about it.
 
Sounds good to me. I believe the three of you will come out fine.
 
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