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((((Hugs)))) and hoping the docs can get all things done quickly so you can get back to focusing on more fun things :)
 
I am very glad it was caught early! Yes, it is one of the more treatable cancers. This just hasn't been your year, it seems. Things will look up.
 
Oh, Mags! I'm so sorry to hear that it's cancer. But happy that it's treatable, and happy that your back is improving. I hope the procedure goes as smoothly as it possibly can, and that you have a swift recovery! <3
 
Good Lord, girl! Hugs!
I'm glad they caught it early, and I'm glad it's treatable. Hoping the resulting surgery goes well and with few complications. Also hoping that this string of crapola luck runs out and things start looking up soon.
 
Thanks for all the hugs and thoughts. xoxox I can't wait for things to get all squared away!

I got my appointment for the CT Scan this afternoon, for next week.

This afternoon Pixi went out shopping. I thought just for groceries and cigs, but she's been gone a while. She missed Punk's visit. He got here at 3 and stayed 2 hours. It went pretty well. We shared our tales of woe, but our hopes too.

He warned me, from experience with his mom, that the CT Scan may not show enough detail, but the ins co orders it first to "save money," and then it comes to the doctor, who says it's not good enough, and I end up getting the contrast MRI the doc wanted in the first place. We will see what happens!

Punk is starting to go to this "clubhouse" for people with mental or emotional issues, where everyone is assigned a job. And you can make a little money. It's run by the state. He's getting bored at home and wants to get out, so that's a good sign. This should be a good start. He can work in the kitchen, (they serve a meal every day, and Punk loves to cook), or the garden, or the fundraising/accounting department, and they also help find people part time jobs in the community. He is happy to think of becoming more independent.

While he was here, I was wondering how much it was OK to touch him. So I asked. I am lying reclined on the couch most of the time, so my feet were touching him some, on his end of the couch, and he was OK with that. He said he'd let me know if something isn't OK. He is just feeling weird about his boundaries and personal space lately. I hugged him and stole a quick kiss when he got here, but when he left, he didn't seem inclined to hug me. So I stuck my hand out, and he laughed, and took it, and kissed it.

It was good to see him. He couldn't stay for dinner, so I said, next time, and he said OK.
 
Adding to the pile of internet hugs and positive vibes.
 
Well, I am just so happy because for 2 days now, my back is much less painful. Yesterday morning I overslept a bit, so I took my morning Percocets and went right to my first physical therapy appointment. I walked into the clinic slowly and a bit hunched over.

I had my consult with the therapist, and she assessed my range of movement. I also filled out a form to show how much I can or can't do, sit, stand, grooming, housework, how I sleep, etc. She could see it wasn't looking good.

So she hooked me up to electro stim, lying on my back also on a heating pad, with a pillow under my head and 2 under my knees, on one of their softer tables.

After about 15 minutes of that, I had a lovely massage. She had me first lie on one side, then on the other, and massaged my lower back and down my thighs. It felt so wonderful. That was all the treatment. I got up off the table and just floated out to my car on a baby blue cloud of comfort and ease. I felt so good, I went to Savers and browsed my favorite departments and even found a cute little 1940s Homer Laughlin sugar bowl in teal.

My PT also told me her mom had had endometrial cancer, and had the hysterectomy, which was only a very small incision, quickly healed, and she's been fine since.

I am just so happy to be feeling better. I almost feel like myself again. I will continue to take it easy and be careful. I am going longer in between medication doses too. Pixi and I are going to go to this park with an outdoor track soon as it cools off today. I haven't even walked around my block in 3 weeks, but I feel ready.

I've been slowly messaging friends and family and telling them about the cancer and the adrenal gland. Getting good support. Our friend K is going to come over for a visit and dinner tomorrow night.

Pixi was going to go to her Master's today for an overnight, but he had to cancel as something unexpected came up. They have been chatting a lot, and he is very sympathetic since he's also had testicular cancer (despite being only 34 now). He is glad she is caring for me.
 
I'm so sorry about your diagnoses! A friend of mind had the very same cancer, had surgery, and has been fit as a fiddle for the last decade. We live in the future: it's truly incredible what medicine can do.

I'm glad your PT went well and helped you feel better: back pain is no joke.

I'm sending you very careful, very gentle hugs!
 
Thanks FF!

My back continues to improve! I did that walk on Saturday, and we did 1 1/2 miles! I felt so good, I was singing the Happy song and giggling almost hysterically. We saw 2 fairy rings of mushrooms, it was so cool and great to be out in nature again.

So that is fucking awesome. Then K came for dinner Sunday night and we 3 watched a movie that was so funny, a 1980s spoof of the 1950s B movie genre, called Cannibal Women of the Avocado Jungle. OMG, it was freaking hilarious, with a feminist slant, starring Bill Maher and Adrienne Barbeau. I highly recommend looking it up if you need a good laugh.

Sadly though, I started coughing that night and by the next evening I had a raging fever, and here I am with a terrible cold. I just can't win! I feel like the most boring person on the planet. I am sure my immune system is down from all the stress of the back pain and the cancer diagnosis.

I've been continuing chiro and PT however, and I have the CT scan for the adrenal gland on Friday.

I've got 2 or 3 more likely prospects on OKC, but I don't feel it's fair to anyone (including me) to start something up until after my surgery and recovery. Not to mention give my back a few more weeks... the tears in the discs must only be just healing, so I don't want to do any vigorous sex quite yet!

Pixi is leaving for her last camp session on Friday, she will be home Monday I think. I am glad we have this independent relationship, so she has things to do while I am lying on the couch constantly for one reason or another, like a beached whale.
 
Well, what do I update on first? My health or my visit with Punk last night? The good news or the bad news?

Let's start with the good news. My cold was intensely bad from Monday through Thursday. Fevers everyday, lots of blowing and coughing. Lots of cold meds taken, and still miserable. I was afraid it was flu and I'd be down for 3 weeks, and weak for several more weeks. But thankfully, on Friday it abated quite a bit. With fever going away, my energy came back a lot, and the fever that remained was totally kept at bay with ibuprofen.

I went to PT at 10 on Friday, then drove 18 miles east to a Boston suburb to get the CT scan for my adrenal gland. That went well. (God, I love my GPS.) I found the medical center easily, there was plenty of free parking close to the building, I navigated the hallways easily thanks to helpful staff, and got the scan. The town I was in is one of the wealthier suburbs with lots of nice early 20th century houses, so I enjoyed sight seeing too.

I came home and Pixi was almost all packed up and ready to go to camp. She was going to be late getting there, but she didn't care, she wanted to hear how my scan went. I hope to hear what the results are from my PCP early this coming week!

So, we had many hugs and snuggles and kisses and she left.

That darn physical therapist though! Same one I had back in the winter, who overworked me without knowing the state of my spine. Well, the first 2 visits were fine, no exercise the first time, just some very gentle hamstring stretches the 2nd time. This time though, after the electro, she massaged me while I laid on my stomach, instead of when I was on one side or the other. Which was fine. But then she's all, OK I am going to put a wedge under one thigh. Then she lifted one leg up and bent my knee to give me a quad stretch. After both sides were done, she had me raise up my upper body, resting on my arms (cobra pose in yoga), and hold it for 5 minutes, to supposedly help my lower back regain its curve.

When I'd had my last xrays, I was in so much pain from the herniated discs, I couldn't stand upright, and so the xray made it look like I'd lost that curve in the lower back. So, her intention was good. Unfortunately, she and my chiro always seem to forget my neck issues... they are so focused on the lower back. That night I had the feeling of an ice pick in the left side of my neck, and an intense headache. I used heat, I used ice, I took ibuprofen. Finally I took a tramadol and managed to sleep. Sheesh! By late morning the next day I was finally OK.

I have to be firm with this woman about what exercises I will not do! Good grief, she can't leave well enough alone.

My cold continues to improve. My energy is coming back nicely. Friday night I "pampered myself" by going to a local ice cream stand at sunset for a small cone, and then went to my favorite thrift store, which is open til 10, to browse.

Yesterday I did some much needed de-cluttering in the kitchen. I cleaned a bunch of old leftovers out of the fridge, washed all the containers. I took returnable bottles out to the car, and a bag of donatables for the thrift too. I also went to the grocery store for the first time in a month! I had planned to make a nice big dinner for myself, healthy satisfying food, with leftovers to last me the weekend and even some for Pixi when she got back.

My plan was au gratin potatoes from scratch, which I've never actually done before. Also a big pan of roasted chicken legs, and I got broccoli to steam.

So, just as I was about to go shopping, I saw I had a text from Punk.

to be continued...
 
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I had texted him on Wednesday, to catch up. I was also thinking I'd invite him to visit sometime over the weekend, since I was alone, Pixi and K were at camp, and my other friends live a bit too far away for me to want to make the trip, not wanting to overdo with my cold and all.

I asked him about his platonic woman friend who seems to be taking him on "dates" once a week to beaches, to Newport RI, etc. I was wondering if something was brewing, since the dates all sound romantic! He said, no, there's no chemistry, she's looking for a different kind of bf, one that is tall, and with a good job, and well hung. None of which he has. lol I guess she's dating around now, shopping.

This is the young woman who met me at the wake, and said, "Oh Mags! I've heard so much about you!" smile smile. As if she was glad to meet a person who means so much to her friend Punk. And yet, here we are.

But, anyway, she likes spending money on him, he said (gas money, maybe lunches?), and they can talk "in a relaxed manner, with no weirdness." Of course, I picked up on that. "Oh, I guess there's weirdness with me." He said, no it wasn't that. They've just known each other a long time, there's no tension.

I am still trying to figure out where we stand! I know some people say closure comes from within, but I disagree. The more information I can wring out of him, the better I will feel about our end.

I also made a comment about his gossiping aunts who told him, in their opinion, he was being weird by dating a woman his mother's age. He didn't really answer that one. I was wondering how much he'd taken that to heart, but he wasn't forthcoming.

Anyway, we also chatted of other less loaded topics, had a few laughs as we always do. He said he had a "family thing" on Sunday, but could maybe do Saturday. I said, "OK, whatever." Then he said he could actually come that night, but I reminded him I was feeling really sick.

So on Friday afternoon, he texted me to say he could come over that night. (Sheesh, make up your mind.) And that his family party was Saturday, not Sunday. And he asked how my cold was doing. I didn't see his text until late though, because I'd been busy with PT and the scan and then taking myself on a date. I just didn't notice the text. So I texted him back just to say I just saw his text, and my cold was improving. I didn't invite him for Sunday or anything. Around midnight I was still up, and he responded his cold was improving too (his wasn't as bad as mine in the first place.) I saw his text come in but didn't respond.

So then yesterday (Sat) at 1:00, he texted me to say his dad didn't want to go to the family party, and he didn't want to go either! He could come over this day. Since I was going to cook a nice dinner anyway, I said, sure come over later. I've got chores and errands to do first. He said, 3? I said, no, later, 5. He said OK.

I was a bit annoyed at all his changes of plans, but whatever. I wanted to talk to him. I did my housewifely stuff. I went grocery shopping. I cleaned the kitchen, I stripped my bed and did some wash.

He got here actually 10 minutes before 5. Eager beaver! I was making the cheese sauce and stirring. The dog did her usual freaking out barking whining needy thing at his arrival, and that kept him busy. Once I poured the sauce over the potatoes, I gave him a hug. Short hug. No hips. Heaven forbid!:rolleyes:

So we just talked of various interesting random topics. I was feeling chatty and perky and amusing despite everything. For once in my fucking life, I wasn't hurting and I wasn't feverish. Several times I actually barely let him speak, and just ran my mouth. We talked about our health, about politics, etc. The dog stayed restless and whiny and annoying. I'd walked her earlier hoping that would help, but no. She always senses things, and she just doesn't trust men.

After an hour dinner was about ready. Somehow though, we'd just gotten onto the subject of what has happened to our relationship. I guess because he said the family shindig was his father's side of the family, but his dad isn't sleeping well and was too tired to go. (Otherwise, his dad is eating, he is working, he is doing OK, considering.) I had thought maybe the Labor Day party was his mom's side of the family, and they aren't that interested in them. Which is now true, but that wasn't the reason for not going. Anyway.

I really needed information to try and understand his change of feelings for me! I asked whether he'd been seeing his mom's sisters, the gossiping aunts. He said no, not for a month now. I asked if he'd internalised the comment about my inappropriate age. He said, no.

I said, the rejection really hurts. I said, it seemed so sudden.

He said, but it wasn't sudden. He'd been drifting away for those first weeks before he formally broke up with me. I said, but I understood you needed some space to grieve, but didn't understand why his feelings had changed so dramatically and forever. If we'd been together longer as a couple, sure, he might need time to feel romantic again, and I'd have given that, but why is he so adamant it's forever? Why no hope he'll ever feel romantic again? Other couples go through a death in the family, they don't break up over it!

He didn't seem to really know. Like, he hadn't figured it out for himself. Which feels (sarcasm: ) "great" to me. Like I matter so little to him he can't be bothered to even think about my feelings, and how and why he's hurt me.

Finally he threw something out there like, I was broken to him. Damaged. I said, OK. So I was a good thing for him when his mom was in her final months, but now he doesn't need that kind of connection? He said, yeah.

Then he said, Do you feel I was using you before? I said, Yes! And that really fucking hurts. I crossed my arms over my chest. I said, so what are you going to do, get some other girl once you feel ready to date again? I'm no good now, but someone else will be? He just sat there looking flummoxed and clueless.

So, yeah, I guess he feels like I am too associated with the "before time," and now I am tainted somehow. I was getting emotional, my voice was shaking. He still wants me for entertainment, but my need or desire for what we had before doesn't matter. I said, that really fucking sucks; I miss the flirting, the dancing, the cuddles and sex and yummy feelings. Although "luckily" for both of us, I've been in too much pain to even want sex. Pixi had to beg me for sex before she left for camp.

He said, "What do you want me to do? ...or should I just go?" I said, I don't want you to "fix things," I just need to understand! He nodded and stayed.

Feeling bitter and sarcastic right now. I just love how his first instinct is to leave, run away. Heaven forbid he sit with me and my uncomfortable feelings. It's not like he has any responsibility or anything, to someone he saw and dated and fucked and shared intimate thoughts and feelings with, leaned on for support, got to be friends with Pixi, twice a week, for 9 months. :rolleyes::mad: Oh no. Let's just let the treasure of my full presence in his life go now that his Mommy has died. PffT!! *spit*

So, dinner was ready. I'd been steaming the broccoli during this revelation. I didn't want to ruin dinner. I made a big shift. Screech! Turned the wheel of our conversation vehicle a hard right.

I poured us wine, we fixed our plates, we ate. It was delicious, and I blathered on about other things. I was telling him funny stories about my phobia about model ships and sunken ships. After we ate and I put the leftovers away, we moved to the other room. I told him something about my breakup with Ginger. Not sure how I got on that subject. I guess I was thinking about breakups. Oh, I guess also we were also talking about narcissists and Asperger's people we've known. He said he dated an Aspie girl once.

He hung around for like 20 minutes after dinner and then, just as I was in the middle of a story, he said he needed to go! It was abrupt, but he'd been here about 3 hours. I guess he felt that was enough. So he got up from the couch, leaned back down, gave me a hug. I said, Oh, I get a hug, huh? He said, of course. And he left. I didn't get up and walk him to the door, I didn't even turn to face the door, I just said, see ya. But I didn't mean "see ya." I meant, fuck you. And I didn't mean "fuck you in a fun way," I meant, get the fuck out, you selfish bastard.
 
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One more post to round it all up.

During dinner, my aunt called. I didn't pick up then, but I wanted to call her back. She'd called me back on my birthday on August 6th, and left a message then. I hadn't called her because I was taking care of K after her appendectomy, and then my own health tanked with the discs and the bad cold. I just didn't have the energy to talk to her then.

So, the minute Punk walked out the door, I again made a hard shift, and called her. She'd said in the voicemail she left, that she'd just talked to my sister, who had told her about my cancer, and she was "shocked" since cancer doesn't run in the family.

(Um, my paternal grandmother died of it, but I guess that doesn't matter lol. She is my mom's sister. My dad's side doesn't count apparently.)

So, I called her and we talked of the cancer, how it isn't really "serious," the surgery will take care of it, etc. Then I told her about my discs and my adrenal gland and my fucking cold. She sympathised with my rough summer.(And she doesn't even know of my relationship troubles! We don't talk of such things.)

She told me about how she'd been weeding her garden a few weeks ago, but one stubborn weed pulled back, and she fell forward, hit her forehead on a rock. She went to the hospital and had an MRI, but she was "fine." It was just a flesh wound, but scalp wounds bleed like mad. Oh, she also had 2 black eyes! But whatever, she's a tough old bird, she just laughed it off. She's outlived an abusive drunken husband and outlasted a broken neck, this was nothing. We both agreed, life gives you a few knocks, you get back up, you keep going along.

We wrapped it up, she wished me well, I told her I'd keep her updated. So, it was good to get that big reveal over with. I swear, when a person gets cancer, you spend half your time comforting other people when you tell them the news! Sheesh.

Then I saw my sister was online. We messaged for an hour. I told her all about the Punk evening. She was great. She and Pixi are my ROCKS. They listen, they empathise, they offer ideas and opinions when it's appropriate. So respectful and kind, they are. :eek: Love my girls.

As we talked, I realised... I am done. I do not want to see him ever again. If I am nothing but damaged goods to him now, if the full gift of my heart and my sex is now not wanted, I am not going to let him further "use me," for entertaining chatter, to drink my Coke and wine, smoke my weed, eat my delicious cooking. Fuck it.

As Lady Gaga said in Bad Romance, "I don't wanna be friends." Bad romance. Dead romance. He isn't worthy of me. He's mental. I have good self esteem. I have dignity and worth. I am not going to settle for stale crumbs of platonic affection. I want the whole enchilada. I am not going to skim the thin icing of chit chat and a few laughs over a rotten cake of dead romance.

So now. I've got gifts from him around the house. There are 2 cute and lovely wooden art plaques hanging on the wall in my living room. There's the personalised "Mags' Pyrex" plate rack he hung on my kitchen wall just what? 2 weeks before his mom died? There's the handcrafted key fob he gave me at the wake on my key ring! What the fuck do I do with them now? Even if I took the smaller pieces and burned them (a distinct possibility, or I could drive by his house and chuck them on his lawn), I am not ripping the damn plate rack off the wall. sigh...

So last night after talking to Sister for a while, I got off, made up my bed, watched some DVRed Colbert to cheer up, and went to bed at 11. I woke at 4, having slept well, but immediately thoughts of the evening came into my head. I laid there a half hour and then had to get up and write it all down.

I think I'll take the dog on a longer walk at the track today. I think it will be good for my stress.
 
Ugh am I ever groking your situation right now, Magdlyn. I'm sorry that your summer has been so shitty, and that Punk has been a flake. That sounds like it mush have been a very difficult evening. I don't think I could sit across the table from Tails with any equanimity at the moment!
 
Do you have the space to stores the items in a box for a little while? A memory box kind of thing.
The plate rack sounds to useful to hate on!
 
Corny, trite, but oh so appropriate song of empowerment

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to get along

And so you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon your face

I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

Go on now! Go walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
You think I'd crumble?
You think I'd lay down and die?

Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive!

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend
The pieces of my broken heart

And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high

And you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained up little girl
Who fell in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in
And just expect me to be free?
Now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me
Go on now! Go walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore

Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
You think I'd crumble?
You think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I!

Go on now! Go walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
You think I'd crumble?
You think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive
I will survive!!!
 
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That is a good song, and I liked your analogy with the cake.

God though...that whole business with Punk...like he defined the entire relationship on the structure of what he needed from you and the role you played in relation to his life and needs, without really seeing YOU and feeling things from your side of it. Seems to me like he is lacking in empathy, perhaps, and that sucks.

Anyways, I am sorry to hear all of this. But there can be some benefit to clearing the air and understanding so you can at least not bounce back and forth in your mind wondering if things are the way you think they are, or what? Wishing you strength and fortitude and a brighter future.

As for the stuff...well, my opinion is that it's your stuff. Do what you want with it. If it is feasible, I'd consider maybe repainting the rack and making it my own somehow. Transforming it. Just a thought. ?
 
3 days later and I just don't find myself thinking about Punk at all. My life seems simpler and freer now. I am focusing on my hobbies and getting my house and garden back in order after a summer of being incapacitated. I am reading a lot of books, and watching good movies and shows. His gifts just seem like nice things in my house, not painful sentimental reminders, so that's good.

Pixi is done with camp for the year, although she may have camp related duties from time to time throughout the year, managerial things, publicity and so on. So we can now get back to normal, get settled, go on some fun dates.

Once I am recovered from surgery I can go back to entertaining family and friends more too. And we've postponed our vacation... I hope I am OK in time to get to the Fingerlakes while the weather is still good.

OKC isn't yielding much except the usual "hey sexy, I like how you look in your little black dress" bullshit, unless I bother to tweak my profile in some way. I don't really want a man and all his stupidities. I'd like sex, but I guess I'd rather settle for once a week with Pixi, and what I can do for myself, for now.
 
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Magdlyn said:
3 days later and I just don't find myself thinking about Punk at all. My life seems simpler and freer now. I am focusing on my hobbies and getting my house and garden back in order after a summer of being incapacitated. I am reading a lot of books, and watching good movies and shows. Hi gifts just seem like nice things in my house, not painful sentimental reminders, so that's good.
Click to expand...

Just so happy to read this. Good for you. Moving on is a wonderful feeling, isn't it :)
 
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