No longer feeling good

[Mahogany]

Hello,

It has been about 6 weeks now since my marriage has opened. My husband Bo has added a woman, Bess, to our relationship. This came to be because Bo came clean about cheating on me with her (for 5 months before I found out). Before this, we shared 4 monogamous years together.

I hate sharing Bo, but I cannot leave him. We have 11-month old twin boys too, and it would be horrible to not consider their loss if I walk away.

In the beginning of the addition of Bess, things were better (not great, though). But this has grown into something more negative than positive for me. I feel like a caged bird. If I could have my wish, it would be to restore the monogamy we lost at the start of 2011.

Bo constantly asks me what I need to be happy. I have told him, and he has not fulfilled my wishes. This tells me that he is not capable (or not willing) to be monogamous again. But I do know he loves me deeply. He reminds of this every day.

I don't want to share my husband anymore. But I don't want to lose him either.

What options do I have, if any?

My hate for Bess grows more and more each day. I feel like I am long-suffering. I have nothing against polyamory, but I am so sad and hurting. I am having trouble eating and sleeping. I am barely functioning at work.

I have told Bo that I don't want to come between them, that he can leave to be with her. I wouldn't keep his sons from him (or be resentful, etc.). He wants to be with me, but he wants her too.

Just typing this makes me cry. I feel like a caged bird. How did I get here? I just don't want to do this anymore!

Also, Bo does not feel comfortable with me exploring my end of the openness. He does not want me intimate with another man. He is not abusive or forceful about it, but he has simply communicated that he is not comfortable with it. Should I pursue another man, anyway?

What can I do? I need help!

 

[Derbylicious]

It sounds to me like you need to talk to Bo some more about his insecurities about you being able to open up your end, as well. It hardly seems fair that he is allowed to have another partner, while not being open to the idea of you finding someone else to meet your needs, too.

You might also want to talk to Bo about what you need from him specifically. Let him know what you need to feel loved and secure in your relationship. If monogamy isn't possible from his perspective, what compromise can you reach where you are both having your needs met?

You're only a few weeks into a new dynamic. It can take months or years to figure this all out. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself feel whatever it is that you're feeling. Talk and talk, and cry, and then talk some more.

 

[SNeacail]

Bo does not feel comfortable with me exploring my end of the openness. e does not want me intimate with another man. He is not abusive or forceful about it, but he has simply communicated that he is not comfortable with it.

IMO, if he is not willing to share you, he had no business asking you to share him.

Should I pursue another man, anyway?

Not in your current state of mind.

What boundaries have you guys set in place? How much time is he spending "dating" you? How much time is he spending at home taking care of household chores and caring for the twins?

 

[redpepper]

I'm sorry you are so sad and hurt. Please know that your story is not at all unique to us here on this forum. I would suggest doing a lot of reading here and getting Bo on board with doing the same. Do a tag search, read in the blogs, go to the stickies and see what interests you and is relevant. There is a lot to learn. If you do a tag search, I suggest you search for "mono poly" "boundaries" "foundations" "lessons" "negotiation" "OPP" "one penis policy," or go to the tag cloud and start there.

This was really shitty timing on Bo's part. I would wonder how much of this is not getting his needs met, and how much is that he really is poly. When babies come, daddies are kind of lost for a time. They are not as needed. At least, that is what is seems like to them, until they figure out their role.

I would suggest starting with negotiating date time, where you can spend time together child-free and NOT talking about kid stuff. This is important for any parents, but you have to deal with his deceit and lies and his relationship with a new woman. Those are definitely grounds to step it up a notch and get some work done on your relationship.

One penis policies (OPP) are not okay if you aren't getting your needs met. If you agree to that, then fine, fill your boots, but you are not. Therefore, he might have to look at his hypocrisy. It's just not okay. He can go out and get more (adult) love in his life, while you work a job outside the home, and also raise his kids on your own? Nah, I don't think so. You get to go out and do stuff, too. In my opinion, you have every right to do that. Maybe you don't need or even want a boyfriend, but you need time to do anything you want. If that means a new boyfriend, then you should not have to even ask if that is okay with Bo.

Is it a good idea to go and find a boyfriend now? No, I don't think so. You have a shit ton of work to do, and a new man will not make that get better. It will just pile more stress on.

How much have you and Bo talked about time management? How much have you asked for your own boundaries to be met? It sounds like you are not negotiating, so much as saying "I don't want polyamory, and that's that." Well, there is a whole range of negotiating that can happen between that, and "Yay, poly!" Where do you sit on the continuum? What specifics could you live with? What not? Maybe write them down and then exchange lists. You might find there is some stuff you could live with.

 

[BlackUnicorn]

Dear Mahogany, your post made me really angry, which of course isn't fair, since I don't know either of you, and there are always two sides to every story. However, this is what immediately came to my mind.

1) Your post is titled "No longer feeling good." However, was there any point this year you were feeling good? It reads as no.

2) It seems like Bo made a unilateral decision to go poly, taking advantage of the fact that you have young children, and you are obviously devoted to both him and them. "My husband has added a woman to our relationship." To me, this is not poly. This is open cheating.

3) Some women are fine with polygyny, i.e., their husband having multiple wives who are each in a monogamous relationship with him. However, you obviously are not happy with this situation.

4) What did he do to deal with his cheating, the dishonesty? How did you find about Bess? Without any other background info, it looks like he doesn't really want to own up to his betrayal, and poly is a defensive move he needed to keep both you and his new, exciting relationship.

5) Hating Bess sounds like you are redirecting the negative emotions you have toward Bo to a less threatening target. She is not the problem. Bo's behavior is.

What can you do? LovingRadiance, a senior member on this forum, has an off-site blog, and one of her most recent posts is titled "Unconditionally Loving Yourself Must Come First." Take her advice. You don't deserve to be treated like shite. Honestly.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Not to sound defeatist, but the pain in your post is overwhelming. I would suggest you really start thinking about protecting yourself financially and looking at the support around you for you and your children. I can't empathise with a man, especially a new father, who is willing to put his wife through this type of constant pain. In my opinion, he is being selfish.

Polyamory can be wonderful, but it can also be a convenient excuse to mask flat-out shitty and immature behavior. Lots of guys feel the strain of having a wife/girlfriend who is pregnant and feeling like their needs aren't being met. I've been there, and so have many of the men I know. I call them men because they sucked it up, and got through it, without crushing the hearts of the woman they love for the sake of sexual gratification, or because they felt lonely.

A) Bo fucking cheated on you. There is no goddamn positive aspect of cheating except for the person who is getting their rocks off, and whoever is enabling that. People make mistakes, and then they deal with them and learn. He's made his mistake. It's time to learn.

B) Bo expects you to embrace Bess, the women who enabled him to cheat on you. Tell him to give his head a shake and grow up. You're a new mother (of twins!) and Bess is his mistress.

C) Where the hell is Bess's sense of morality and concern for you? I know what it is like to look in the mirror, and know I am having an affair with a married woman, and directly hurting her husband. Bess should be walking away from this. If everyone were as blind to the happiness and health of others, the world would be a very shitty place. The world would be ruled by aggressive takers, people only concerned for their own well-being and hiding behind a veil of philosophical "I can't be accountable for someone else's reaction." Bull-fucking-shit!

This isn't poly. This is a fine example of selfishness.

Obviously, this thread is not making me happy. I am leaving it for now, because there are so many triggers in this for me.

Please look after yourself. You will get all the family's support in this. I don't usually say this, but you've got all the power. You just don't realize it.

 

[kreeativ]

It's not his responsibility to make you happy.

 

[Derbylicious]

It's not his responsibility to make you happy.

It might not Bo's responsibility to make Mahogany happy, but it is his responsibility to treat her fairly and with compassion. He's her husband, after all.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

It might not be Bo's responsibility to make M happy, but it is his responsibility to treat her fairly and with compassion. He's her husband, after all.

Agreed, Derby. But I will take it further. I believe it is a partner's responsibility to try to enhance the lives of those they are involved with. I also think that needs to be returned. I think doing things that make your partner happy is a part of that. There is a lack of human compassion involved with the idea that we are not responsible for each other as a human race, and as partners.

How does that translate to a philosophy of "more love"? Sorry, I just don't get it.

 

[kreeativ]

Yes, of course. I won't argue that.

If she is staying there for the kids, that's a big mistake. He's not poly. He's a sexual addict, or a NRE addict, or an uncaring selfish pig.

I don't know him, I don't know her. No matter how much a person reveals on this website, one will never know the true dynamics of someone's situation.

I think she should do whatever it is that makes her happy. That's all I'm saying. Because if she is waiting for him to make her happy, she is missing life.

 

[kreeativ]

Compassion and enhancing. Yes, all of that is fine, but you are fooling yourself if you think it's somebody else's responsibility to make you happy. Happiness only come from within, not from another. The other can be involved in enhancing that happiness, not creating it.

 

[Ariakas]

It has been about 6 weeks now since my marriage has opened. My husband Bo has added another woman, Bess, to our relationship. This came to be because Bo came clean about cheating on me with her (for 5 months before I found out). Before this, we shared 4 monogamous years together.

Opening a relationship because of cheating is common. Remaining with the person that is the cheating partner is hard as hell. You will have a lot of resentments and pain in regards to Bess.

I hate sharing Bo, but I cannot leave him. We have 11-month old twin boys, and it would be horrible to not consider their loss if I walk away.

There are always options. I see others posted more intelligent answers than just a simple response, so I will simply leave it at that.

Him doing this, so soon after the birth of your/his twins, seems off to me. That's a really strange time to open up for the first time.

In the beginning of this addition of Bess, things were better (not great), but this has grown into something more negative than positive for me. I feel like a caged bird. If I could have my wish, it would be to restore the monogamy we lost at the start of 2011.

You could look at this positively, too. You are no longer the caged bird confined to monogamy. Just a thought of course, not everyone looks at non-monogamy that way.

Bo constantly asks me what I need to be happy. I have told him and he has not fulfilled my wishes. This tells me that he is not capable (or not willing) to be monogamous again. But I do know he loves me deeply. He reminds of this every day.
I don't want to share my husband anymore.
But I don't want to lose my husband, either.
What options do I have, if any?

You limit your options when you say you can't or don't. Sorry to say it like that, but you don't seem to have any beyond the one where you leave.

My hate for Bess grows more and more each day. I feel like I am long-suffering. I have nothing against polyamory, but I am so sad and hurting. I am having trouble eating and sleeping. I am barely functioning at work.

I have told him that I don't want to come between them, that he can leave to be with her. I wouldn't keep his sons from him (or be resentful, etc.). He wants to be with me, but wants her too.

Just typing this makes me cry.

Seek some non-monogamy-friendly couples counselling, with some counselling for yourself.

How did I get here? I just don't want to do this anymore.

Again, your options are limited.

You are married.
He cheated.
He now wants both of you.
You can't have anyone. <<cough>> bullshit <</cough>>
You have toddler twins.
You hate Bess.
You resent Bo.
You don't want to be a non-monogamist.

Try counselling. That's step one, if you want to save the marriage. After that, you need to start making decisions for yourself (as in, start being selfish).

Bo does not feel comfortable with me exploring my end of the openness. He does not want me intimate with another man. He is not abusive or forceful about it, but he has simply communicated that he is not comfortable with it. Should I pursue another man anyway?

That's pure, unadulterated, sexist bullshit!

 

[dingedheart]

Cheating on your pregnant wife who's carrying twins? Bo is a huge asshole or worse! Responsible for her happiness? No. Responsible for torment and heart break? Is that even in debate here? With all that Mahogany has currently gone through, to be hit with this now could easily be overwhelming.

I'm guessing he is young or has a very different life experience. I'm sure the polyist of the poly would have a hard time with the situation Mahogany has presented. This is a very good question to ask my (poly) wife to get her input.

I agree with Mono and the others. Protect yourself and trust your gut. Don't do this to please him, because, by his own admission, he wouldn't do the same for you. I would also make it clear to him that his vision of reality is distorted, that you have exactly the same rights as far outside relationships go, and that you may indeed exercise that right.

Take of yourself and those poor kids.

 

[redpepper]

you are fooling yourself if you think its somebody else's responsibility to make you happy. happiness only come from within, not from another. the other can be involved in enhancing that happiness, not creating it.

Happiness in relationships comes from shared responsibility, from mutual commitment to happiness. Bo did not hold his responsibility for that, and continues not to, it seems.

We don't know his side. Anyone who comes on here and says they have kids that young, and then says her husband cheated, and now wants to keep his lover, will not get much sympathy from me. Having lived through raising a child to age 7 with my husband, I know that there is a huge responsibility to be in it together.

No, Bo is not responsible for her happiness, but he is responsible for living through the adjustment of raising small children until such time as they begin to go out in the world and time is freed up more. By then, both will be used to child rearing, and can add personal stuff like girlfriends or boyfriends. Bo took the liberty of going out and getting some freedom back before that time. That is not them working together. That's him being selfish. Love comes along when it will, but Bo didn't handle it well, to say the least!

What I would wonder is how much he was involved in child raising. Sometimes Mum thinks it's best to do all of it themselves, because it's easier. That means dads don't figure out to do the work necessary, or figure out their own way of doing things. It could've been that he didn't rise to the occasion, though, or was out working to pay for said twins.

Practically speaking, this is why I suggest going out and leaving dad with the kids. Maybe Bo and Bess can look after the boys. After all, if she is to be his gf, then she will need to pitch in. Bo has two little toddlers. That means Bo has no time to be with Bess, unless she is included in his life more. Otherwise a date once a week seems all that would be manageable. That way, Mahogany can go out one night on her own, one night with Bo, and the rest together with the family. Maybe two nights each for going out, depending. Just thinking out loud. And Bess can babysit while you go out. There could be some huge benefits here, all emotions aside, that is.

 

[kreeativ]

I just don't think Bo should have ever had kids. He's obviously not a respectable sort. Maybe she's better off on her own until such time as she happens across someone who does love her. Bo doesn't love her or respect her.

 

[Ariakas]

Umm... he might be a crappy husband. But I haven't seen anything referencing what he is like as a father, unless I am missing something.

 

[Mahogany]

Thank you all for your time and replies. You have given me a lot to think about.

I do feel he is selfish. Even Bess has said that. But he is loving, as well. Weird how he can be both.

I am not happy doing this, but I am willing to stay in it and try to heal. But the relationship I have with Bess is very strained.

I don't know what would justify his actions of cheating on me. Sometimes I feel he still is cheating, it's just now I know about it.

 

[redpepper]

I feel he still is cheating, just now I know about it.

Yup, exactly.

I would wonder what he has to say. Any chance of getting him on here? Hearing two sides often helps put it all into perspective, so as to offer better solutions and to get related personal history.

 

[Mahogany]

The other point of view to no longer feeling good

Yes, Redpepper.

He actually plans to post this evening. I am really looking forward to all your replies to his post, not because I expect you to attack him, but because I genuinely love him and want to protect our love/connection. If we are doing something wrong, we need to know, and we need to fix it.

Is it me? Do I need to suck it up and go numb, hoping that in the future it will all be ok, that I will grow to be happy in this "cage"?

I trust you all because you seem so sincere here. You are experiencing things that fall within the same realm as our issues do, and we know no one else we can talk to that would really understand.

I only want happiness with my husband, but it seems I am incapable of sharing him and being happy/whole in the process.

He will post here this evening, so you get the other side of this situation.

 

[Mahogany]

Hello All!

I am Mahogany's husband, Bo.

As long as I have had an interest in women, there have always been two. My main woman, in this case, is my wife, and the other woman is Bess. Throughout life, my gf always knew about my main woman, but never the other way around.

About a month and a half ago, I realized I didn't want it that way anymore, because it's unfair for Mahogany to be left in the dark. I sat her down and told her there has been someone else for a while. I have never felt guilty about having two in my life, but I feel guilty for my wife not having a choice in the matter. I understand what I'm asking Mahogany to accept is very difficult.

I don't know what polyamory is, or what classifies you as poly. I don't know if what I'm asking of her is right, or if what I want is right. But it doesn't feel the least bit wrong to me. Am I wrong, or just crazy?

Mahogany and Bess are so much alike, in so many ways, yet so different, but both of them bring me joy. I feel that if they could get to know each other, and become friends, this could work, and be a wonderful thing for all three of us.

I know Bess came into our relationship with an understanding that it would never be just me and her, so she is more accepting of this then Mahogany is. I know M is going to look at Bess with hate in her eyes and talk to her with venom on her tongue. That is expected.

I don't know how long it will take for Mahogany to heal, not become numb, for this to really work. But I'm willing to wait/work it out till it becomes great, like the way I envision it.

Mahogany is more of the career and goal-driven type, and I love that about her. Bess is more the nurturing, cooking, cleaning type, and I love that about her. I'm not saying either one can't be the other, but if they tried to switch positions, it would be more forced. I hope y'all understand that part.

So I ask you, the people, for help and advice, to help her, to help me, and to help us three to grow as one.

Thank you,
Bo