Non-Physical Poly Relationship

M

ManTheMyth

New member
Hello,

So having somewhat recently come to the conclusion that opening our relationship up could significantly help our own relationship (original thread: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=73833) my fiance and I have been struggling with the whole thing, in all honesty.

The long and short of it is that both of us are really struggling with the physical aspect of a poly relationship. Admittedly, the non-physical aspect has been a challenge as well, but that is something we can navigate carefully in time.

My fiance recently slept with her new partner for the first time and up until then I hadn't known whether she had or not. I didn't want to know, to be frank, and that is the problem. I had always told her I do not want to know about their sex life as it is too hard to talk about. But at the same time I know if this is to work, we have to be comfortable in talking about it honestly and openly. Not that I have to know where/when etc. it happens each and every time, but you can't hide and pretend it isn't happening just to cope.

So, when she told me she had slept with him, I was devastated, hurt and to be honest, disgusted. She hadn't done anything wrong and I knew this was what we had agreed, but I cannot help feel that if she is doing that with another man, I want nothing to do with her physically. It completely put me off the thought of being intimate with my fiance. It makes it feel completely not special or unique when your other partner is doing this with another man. It was like a sudden moment of realization that changed everything.

I told my partner I don't think I can do it, I don't think I can be intimate with her whilst she is intimate with other people. I asked her how she felt afterwards, and she too said she felt guilt and shame and that she didn't think she could it either. She was always unsure as to the physical aspect of it, and it didn't feel right. Gotta say I was a bit relieved as I was fully expecting her to be devastated that she might have to call it off as I can't do it after all, even though she has fallen for this other man emotionally.

This brings me to the whole point of this.

I was thinking afterwards, we had been doing okay with it all until it became physical, when both of us found it very difficult.

My fiance had the same idea and said to me what if we tried a non-physical open relationship? I thought it was odd, but from our perspective it may actually tick all the boxes we want. My fiance has always had a sort of draw towards other guys attention and often finds herself developing deeper relationships with men even when she is in a relationship. However, she has never had an urge for intimacy with them, more so just attention and a deeper emotional connection. What if we said its strictly non-physical?

The flip side I find though is, what does the other guy get out of that? Do they really want a non-physical relationship with another person? We haven't spoken to my fiances metamour yet, but I can't imagine he will be too interested in a non-physical relationship. But maybe we need to be looking elsewhere if that is the case.

I guess I'm just wondering if this would be as weird as it sounds, or if this is actually a "thing" and is worth exploring further.
 
I do not know many men, other than asexual men, who would be open to a non sexual romantic relationship.

Heck I wouldn't be interested in one either.

Sounds like what your wife is looking for is a male gay best friend.

d
 
ManTheMyth said:
.....what does the other guy get out of that? Do they really want a non-physical relationship with another person?
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Agree with Dagferi. I've never in all my years met a guy who would want a non-physical relationship with a woman with whom he was also emotionally intertwined. Many men will put up with it in the hopes that things will change, but no man would want that unless he was gay, asexual or her brother - and I'm guessing her meta is none of those.
 
What is it that you and your fiance hope to get out of relationships with others? Somebody to share thoughts, feelings and troubles with? Somebody to go out and do fun things with?

If it's that sort of thing, I'd call it a friendship. Deep connection and connection that lasts for a long time is really important to human beings, I believe. I believe too that it is better to have connection with more than one person.

In your shoes I'd frame it as a friendship. That's how I frame my non-sexual relationships. I don't talk to new people I meet about poly or about non-monogamy - because I'm in a monogamous relationship. I just get to know them and if a friendship develops, that's excellent. When I was single, it was more tricky - I really didn't want a partner at all and had to much stronger about making that clear.

Friends I've had for years know what the relationship is so we can just relax in each other's company. :)

I have a number of heterosexual male friends who I've been friends with for years and years. I can say with some confidence that none of them are hanging on and waiting for me to have sex with them. Generally I find people like to be my friend. The people who like me tend to want some level of emotional intimacy with me - not necessarily sexual intimacy.

Is it friends that you and your fiance want rather than romantic partners do you think?

IP
 
ManTheMyth said:
.... she has fallen for this other man emotionally.

.....she has never had an urge for intimacy with them, more so just attention and a deeper emotional connection.
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This sounds like way more than just guy/girl buds hangin out and doing things together. I've had hetero male friends, but there was no deep emotional connection beyond caring about each other as all friends do. Sounds like MTM is talking about the possibility of a deep romantic, emotional connection without the sex. I've known plenty of women who are happily attached this way, but never have known a man to want this. I dunno, maybe it can happen, but it's awfully rare.
 
My fiance had the same idea and said to me what if we tried a non-physical open relationship?
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That's called friendship to me. I would frame it that way so it is more clear to all parties.

Is it NOT friendship that she's talking about? She does not want a close friend? She wants a BF to kiss and hug and cuddle. But NOT have sex with?

The flip side I find though is, what does the other guy get out of that?
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He gets friendship? A cuddle buddy GF?

I guess I'm just wondering if this would be as weird as it sounds, or if this is actually a "thing" and is worth exploring further.
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Only you guys can determine what is worthwhile or not.

I do not like "cuddle buddies" or anything with what I perceive as "fuzzy boundaries." It leads to confusing emotions for me. I don't like that experience. I like "friends" who I touch like friends. And "lovers" who I touch like lovers. I like clear cut boundaries. Keeps life a whole lot simpler for me.

If you go there framing it as a "non-sexual polyship" --- you could clarify what that means to each of you. Could determine what touching is ok or not. Some of these might help with that conversation:

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Could also talk about how to change that touching agreement should feelings develop and more physical expression is wanted. Then what is the plan or expectation?

But if after trying it on you have found that you simply prefer a Closed relationship structure, it seems easier to tell her that up front rather than visit this like a side trip you are meh about taking.

Go with the things you are sure about. Keep life simpler for you.

Galagirl
 
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I thought the whole point was that she needed physical intimacy. It makes me wonder if somehow getting back to just the two of you might not be a bad idea. Maybe this is sounding good just because she's already connected to the guy she's dating. If their relationship were to end would she want to be involved with other guys?
 
Hi ManTheMyth,

Re (from OP):
"I guess I'm just wondering if this would be as weird as it sounds, or if this is actually a 'thing' and is worth exploring further."
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It doesn't have to be a "thing" to make it okay. You have every right and privilege to do "non-physical poly." Just be sure to let the people you date know, ahead of time, that physical relations will never be a possibility. They need to know what they're signing up for.

Sounds like "cuddly friends" is what you're looking for. There may be people out there who would enjoy that, especially if they already have a regular partner.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
HappilyFallenAngel said:
I've had hetero male friends, but there was no deep emotional connection beyond caring about each other as all friends do. Sounds like MTM is talking about the possibility of a deep romantic, emotional connection without the sex. I've known plenty of women who are happily attached this way, but never have known a man to want this. I dunno, maybe it can happen, but it's awfully rare.
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lol. I know lots of men who're married and who don't appear to able to behave in any way that would demonstrate a deep romantic, emotional connection - even with the sex. Sometimes their wives would describe the same thing - a husband who is a good provider, is stable, is a good sexual partner but who isn't good at romance and emoting.

(This is likely to be heavily skewed by my experience. I live in Scotland - grew up in Glasgow and have lived for periods of time in the highlands. Men in both places are socialised very strongly to never show emotion).

So - in my experience, finding a man to have that sort of connection with is rare even when sex is involved. I'd agree - likely to be rarer still without it.

Easier to have romantic, emotional connections with women and if sex isn't part of it, it is probably easier for heterosexual women to find that sort of connection with other women.

I feel as if the challenge for very close, romantic, emotional connection type friendships without sex is time. Any time I've had one of those sorts of friendships - what tends to change it has been lack of time. One or other of us might meet an exciting new partner. Somebody we become close to, share sex with and start to plan a life with.

That new sexual relationship is a real time sucker. Those relationships tend to take over weekends and holidays - the time that was once spent on the friendship. Especially when they start and NRE is flowing. Even once things settle down, a great many people eventually live with sexual partners, plan lives with them, have children with them etc.

When you then include things like jobs, running households, hobbies, caring responsibilities, there just isn't much time left over for emotionally close but non-sexual friendship any more.

Then there can be complications like new partners not feeling at ease with a close friendship with somebody who could become a sexual partner. Most heterosexual women I know don't want their male partner having a close heterosexual female friend.

I reckon it's all of those things that make very close non-sexual friendships rare. They aren't impossible - I have a number of them - but they are rare I think. Need to approached also with the understanding that they are likely to change over time as new friendships and partners come along.

I suspect that these reasons are also what make good poly relationships so rare too. Most folk don't have the time or energy to put enough effort in.

IP
 
InfinitePossibility said:
I reckon it's all of those things that make very close non-sexual friendships rare. They aren't impossible - I have a number of them - but they are rare I think. Need to approached also with the understanding that they are likely to change over time as new friendships and partners come along.
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So true. Also, when sex is always "on the table" the issue tends to crop up and eventually make emotional closeness quite uncomfortable. When both people are theoritically available, there's a reason that sex hasn't happened and that's usually because one isn't interested and the other is pining on a low simmer. That's why women and gay men make such good friends, straight women and straight women, straight men and straight men, etc. I don't know why straight men with lesbians isn't a more popular choice, but it's rare, too.
 
ManTheMyth said:
The flip side I find though is, what does the other guy get out of that? Do they really want a non-physical relationship with another person? We haven't spoken to my fiances metamour yet, but I can't imagine he will be too interested in a non-physical relationship. But maybe we need to be looking elsewhere if that is the case.
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You'd be surprised. Both my husband and my girlfriend are satisfied with a non-sexual relationship. We cuddle and hold hands, give little kisses, but we don't make out or have sex.
 
Could you imagine being told after you have started a sexual relationship with someone you can wine, dine, and romance me but sex is off the table permanently.

The average male is going to run... And probably have a bitter view of poly.
 
Yeah it's a problem if you don't give the person notice ahead of time ...
 
ManTheMyth said:
Hello, .... It makes it feel completely not special or unique when your other partner is doing this with another man. It was like a sudden moment of realization that changed everything. ....
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It's worth pausing a long moment (or many of them) and wondering why it may be that you'd feel less special or unique to your fiance as a result of her having been physically intimate with another man.

It's just a suggestion, and need not affect your decision about your relationshp agreements.

In my own case, I see ALL of my relationships as equally and 100% unique and special.
I know that my sweetie (I still have just one lover-sweetie) will always regard me as unique and special -- even uniquely special -- should someone else also be uniquely special to him.

So it's worth wondering....
 
SchrodingersCat said:
You'd be surprised. Both my husband and my girlfriend are satisfied with a non-sexual relationship. We cuddle and hold hands, give little kisses, but we don't make out or have sex.
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I'm out of the loop. Do you have sexual relations with others, beyond these two? Just curious.
 
River said:
I'm out of the loop. Do you have sexual relations with others, beyond these two? Just curious.
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Nope. I've always had a very low sex drive, and I identify as asexual.

There was one guy recently to whom I actually was sexually attracted, which felt very weird since I haven't felt like that in so long. I contemplated a sexual relationship with him and discussed it with my husband, and he supported it. But I never ended up wanting to pursue it beyond that. It was enough excitement just to go through that much of the process. :)
 
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