Non transparency on Poly couple

so I’m just guessing like a lot of you singles / couples, we use Dating apps . Obviously not the best way to meet likeminded people (plenty of unicorn hunters) but with our jobs and professional lives it just is a matter of time and convenience

We have a shared profile, well as she has her own and I have mine . Our couples profile is very clear that we are POLY AND NOT SWINGERS .

Her profile is very clear that she is Openly Bisexual and Polyamarous (you can only guess the messages she gets)

And mine…. I might catch hell for this ….
Because of limited drop down options , and trial and error of figuring out a lot of women have their minds already made up when they see “in relationship & Poly” . Well as some positive response when the cat is out of the bag . My profile says Single

Now I have had responses when the few single women have relied and carried on a conversation that hasn’t gone ghost in a day or a few messages; if they are one of the rare few that actually what to get to know someone (buy a lottery ticket) and I let the cat out of the bag. (Again buy 2 lottery tickets) if she chooses to meet for a date . I let the cat out of the bag it is confirmed (usually a nice response)

“wow I didn’t know and if you told me earlier I would of never spent time chatting with you” but in the same conversations days or week prior to meeting it’s “their are no nice respectful guys” but you tell me you wouldn’t waste your time with me if you made a judgment call about my character.

The date goes on, she has lots of questions about poly, how long I’ve been this way and so on but of course as you might guess it ends with “good luck and hope you find what you’re looking for”

Again these dates are EXTREMELY RARE because most conversations don’t even get that far before the next offer come along or whatever the case and if I’m going to invest my time into someone I would expect a general respect . But I digress

What’s your opinion on my approach of “leaving out information” prior … I welcome all opinions in my long winded post
 

Eponine

Active member
I think it's important to be transparent in your profile. If you put single in your profile but later reveal that you have a partner, not only does it piss off monogamous people, but many poly people find it off-putting too. What's the point of attracting more initial messages, only for them to run away when they find out you're not single? On the other hand, truly poly women won't mind your existing relationship, as long as you're honest about it.

Do you use OkCupid? It's often considered the most poly-friendly dating site. Choose the non-monogamous option in your profile, answer a lot of poly-related questions, and assign high importance to them.
 
I think it's important to be transparent in your profile. If you put single in your profile but later reveal that you have a partner, not only does it piss off monogamous people, but many poly people find it off-putting too. What's the point of attracting more initial messages, only for them to run away when they find out you're not single? On the other hand, truly poly women won't mind your existing relationship, as long as you're honest about it.

Do you use OkCupid? It's often considered the most poly-friendly dating site. Choose the non-monogamous option in your profile, answer a lot of poly-related questions, and assign high importance to them.
Morally I known it’s wrong , I’m justifying it but I’m also very surprised how many women have has positive things to say about my approach .

A lot have agreed if I was upfront from the start I would of never got the time of day but they enjoyed the time together and me being a gentlemen. They assumed (like many others ) a poly man is just a excuse to go to bed with as many women as possible

Again im not saying it’s right but I have found my fair share of women not being so honest themselves that they really are in a open relationship or one / the other or both are flat out cheating
 

Eponine

Active member
A lot have agreed if I was upfront from the start I would of never got the time of day but they enjoyed the time together and me being a gentlemen. They assumed (like many others ) a poly man is just a excuse to go to bed with as many women as possible
If they have that kind of misconceptions about poly, they're not poly themselves. Do you want to be involved with them? In another post, you said you were looking for loving relationships. So you would want to attract poly women, and the best way to do that is saying you're poly in your profile.
 
If they have that kind of misconceptions about poly, they're not poly themselves. Do you want to be involved with them? In another post, you said you were looking for loving relationships. So you would want to attract poly women, and the best way to do that is saying you're poly in your profile.
I agree with you but as my partner has said and actually a few single women agreed as a Male on a dating site the odds are automatically not stacked in your favor, unfortunately we are in a world where people have already made a judgment about you based on your skin color or sexuality . And I heard of okay Cupid but never tried it .
 

Eponine

Active member
It's not easy for either men or women if they're looking for serious relationships. Women get a lot of messages, but 99% of them are trash. Honestly I'd rather be in men's position if I were still using dating sites.

I have a comet friend/partner who has had great success (found three local partners) on OkCupid. At first he wasn't very straightforward about being poly (he didn't have a primary partner anyway), but soon he found out being super straightforward upfront was the way to go. He didn't get many messages, but what he got were mostly high quality ones.

I recommend giving OkCupid a try. There's also Feeld, which I heard is targeted at ethical non-monogamy, but I've never used it and don't know anyone who has.
 
It's not easy for either men or women if they're looking for serious relationships. Women get a lot of messages, but 99% of them are trash. Honestly I'd rather be in men's position if I were still using dating sites.

I have a comet friend/partner who has had great success (found three local partners) on OkCupid. At first he wasn't very straightforward about being poly (he didn't have a primary partner anyway), but soon he found out being super straightforward upfront was the way to go. He didn't get many messages, but what he got were mostly high quality ones.

I recommend giving OkCupid a try. There's also Feeld, which I heard is targeted at ethical non-monogamy, but I've never used it and don't know anyone who has.
We just might give that okay Cupid one a try . Trust me I see the messages my partner gets daily . It’s a real shame and I just don’t know or understand when the tides shifted that how men started acting on these sites became the norm . It’s exhausting for her and us

We were on one called BiCupid that a friend suggested we try but it’s the same thing mostly very young couples hunting for a unicorn , not that we should be surprised about it at this point. Sex / hookups have become the norm for (I say this loosely and in quotations) “”Poly couples””
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
The reason why men find it harder is because you don't have anything to offer most women when you're already partnered. That's the reality. So you're basically trying to conceal that you likely have little to offer anyone who wants a partnership and the traditional stuff that comes with it.

For many women, poly just means picking up after 2 guys instead of 1.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
Being transparent from the get go is an honesty thing. If you start a potential relationship off with a lie, you're starting off with a huge sign that you're not trustworthy. Not mentioning relationship status at all would be better, but I know that's not an option on most online dating sites.
 
Being transparent from the get go is an honesty thing. If you start a potential relationship off with a lie, you're starting off with a huge sign that you're not trustworthy. Not mentioning relationship status at all would be better, but I know that's not an option on most online dating sites.
I sort of did it as a experiment for my partners curiosity has well . I had a profile with the same exact pictures all of me and a few of us. Nothing shirtless or provocative and made it clear we are a Polyamarous couple , tried to add in that we weren’t unicorn hunting for a 3way experience but of course soon as they seen the word Poly the damage was done . I got almost Zero replies . A few decent conversations until (yes women do it too) she decided to read the profile after window shopping

I delete it for a week when I was eligible to make s new one . Same pictures just this time Single … the few women I had conversations with after 7 days never remembered me

I guess that’s a good thing in some ways but it really showed us both how overwhelmed a woman can be on those sites , considering seeing my partners own profile and how quick and many messages come in daily and easily forgettable each person can be

I might not be “playing fair” but as my pop use to say. And my partner currently says “you got the play the cards you’re dealt”

I think we are both very honest people in professional positions in our lives so this was never meant to cause harm and I am NOT suggesting anyone else do it themselves

To be clear this has NOT improved my odds of getting a date . I still get ghosted before conversations can get to the point of asking them out or revealing my “dirty little secrete”

But the women that are just willing to communicate even if it’s just for attention and playing the same field has gone up significantly and again when the conversations go cold as they seem to do for s lot of us I will tell them “by the way I’m in s Polyamarous relationship” and they almost always come back with 0 I would of never bothered with you” even if they had their own agendas and games
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
The reason why men find it harder is because you don't have anything to offer most women when you're already partnered.

I think this is a little bit reductionist and a very monogamous outlook.

Every man, every women, has something to offer another person, yet often partnered people block themselves off to new connections. And while I agree that we tend to connect with those who have more to exchange, I really don't believe that relationship status determines this.

Furthermore, I have a lot to offer the men I connect with regardless of my partnership status; if I connect with a man it's likely intellectual or sexual or both. Other people may connect over different things - physical pursuits, careers, whatever. If you're a match, you're a match - existing partnerships aside (and why so many mono people end up in affairs).

If a woman can't see what a partnered man "can offer" then she's likely been indoctrinated into a societal view that a man is a baby daddy, a financial provider or both. In short, she's conditioned to be monogamous.

So don't date monos who don't understand the actual values of polyamory unless you are willing to put the work on educating them, and realise that not everyone can learn/undo prior conditioning.
 

Inaniel

Well-known member
Dishonesty because “guys” have a hard time?

Because “women” are dishonest?

Just own it…. If you lie because you get more matches, and you enjoy that attention/engagement/practice? That’s fine. I’m not judging.

I left out the “poly” in my profile for a time to figure out my best pictures, because I got more rapid data if I kept my profile basic and rotated photos to find the best ones. So yeah, I wasted the time of a few people swiping on my profile even though I was never going to message them…. Maybe not the best behavior but we all have make that decision for ourselves. At this point I can’t even define a basic online dating ediquitte. It’s a shit show; and who am I to say I am doing it any better or any worse than anyone else…

The way I approach online dating is honestly within the scope of what I am looking for…. If I’m traveling and seeking a one night stand I use a fuckboy profile that is explicitly clear about never seeing each other again, but I leave ENM talk out of it because it’s not relevant to the dynamic I am seeking. Just because I’m poly doesn’t mean I’m always looking for love…

If im dating local and looking for something meaningful I have a profile that indicates ENM. Because any proposed relationship is going to have to work around that…. That is my default profile that is always active.

Partnered men do have something to offer… Maybe those ideas are not immediately accessible to mono women (whom you may are targeting by leaving ENM out of the profile). However I do think a lot of the profiles men make fail to communicate exactly what they have to offer.

I found the more I moved outside of my comfort zone of modesty the more matches I got. But photos really are everything. I have spent many hours curating my photo collection and now my photo intrigue is to the point where I match with a fair number of people who swiped on my profile without even reading it, so the ENM thing still ends up being a surprise. It is better to have that confusion be caused by the negligence of the swiper and not deception in my profile.

With my ENM profile I have gone on dates with mono, poly, and even women who describe themselves as “Christian and looking for a husband”…. With attraction and Intrigue; if what you have to offer is enticing enough the ENM thing has a way of not being such a road block…

I think saying things like “men have it hard” is a defeatist attitude. I am a man, I am poly, I cohabitste with two women, and I online date. I do not struggle getting matches and dates. But I did struggle getting it all figured out. And learning what is attractive to lots of people and how to share those attractive aspects of myself and my life on those platforms.
 
Dishonesty because “guys” have a hard time?

Because “women” are dishonest?

Just own it…. If you lie because you get more matches, and you enjoy that attention/engagement/practice? That’s fine. I’m not judging.

I left out the “poly” in my profile for a time to figure out my best pictures, because I got more rapid data if I kept my profile basic and rotated photos to find the best ones. So yeah, I wasted the time of a few people swiping on my profile even though I was never going to message them…. Maybe not the best behavior but we all have make that decision for ourselves. At this point I can’t even define a basic online dating ediquitte. It’s a shit show; and who am I to say I am doing it any better or any worse than anyone else…

The way I approach online dating is honestly within the scope of what I am looking for…. If I’m traveling and seeking a one night stand I use a fuckboy profile that is explicitly clear about never seeing each other again, but I leave ENM talk out of it because it’s not relevant to the dynamic I am seeking. Just because I’m poly doesn’t mean I’m always looking for love…

If im dating local and looking for something meaningful I have a profile that indicates ENM. Because any proposed relationship is going to have to work around that…. That is my default profile that is always active.

Partnered men do have something to offer… Maybe those ideas are not immediately accessible to mono women (whom you may are targeting by leaving ENM out of the profile). However I do think a lot of the profiles men make fail to communicate exactly what they have to offer.

I found the more I moved outside of my comfort zone of modesty the more matches I got. But photos really are everything. I have spent many hours curating my photo collection and now my photo intrigue is to the point where I match with a fair number of people who swiped on my profile without even reading it, so the ENM thing still ends up being a surprise. It is better to have that confusion be caused by the negligence of the swiper and not deception in my profile.

With my ENM profile I have gone on dates with mono, poly, and even women who describe themselves as “Christian and looking for a husband”…. With attraction and Intrigue; if what you have to offer is enticing enough the ENM thing has a way of not being such a road block…

I think saying things like “men have it hard” is a defeatist attitude. I am a man, I am poly, I cohabitste with two women, and I online date. I do not struggle getting matches and dates. But I did struggle getting it all figured out. And learning what is attractive to lots of people and how to share those attractive aspects of myself and my life on those platforms.
Just own it…. If you lie because you get more matches, and you enjoy that attention/engagement/practice? That’s fine. I’m not judging…..

I don’t think that’s the intention I was going for but I can see your point on it , unintended consequences of just taking a different approach. Their seems to be no shortage lately of older women with eyes on me for a boy toy (I don’t mind)

I’ve always had confidence with the opposite sex so I didn’t see it as “Needing all the help I can get” . But again I do see your point

I think it’s less of “guys have a hard time” because my partner gets talked too like she’s a piece of meat up for grabs by every guy swinging his parts and couple wanting to check off a sex kink but in most cases the odds are stacked against men in these situations
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
If a woman can't see what a partnered man "can offer" then she's likely been indoctrinated into a societal view that a man is a baby daddy, a financial provider or both.

I think this ignores the reality that most women in het relationships already feel like they do most of the "work" involved in family life.

So the likelihood of your potential metamour finding your relationship obstructive to the hinge fulfilling existing commitments is pretty high.


Sure they might be a lovely person who could bring you spiritual joy, but you'll probably have a hard job seeing them under pleasant conditions very often simply because they're already overstretched/mismanaging resources.

It's rarely worth the gamble. Better to meet someone through other ways than dating sites where you can assess some of these things with more accuracy.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
I'll give an example, one of my friends recently dumped a guy whonshes been seeing a few months. He was always pushed for time because he works hard, has a family life, and then usually a woman he's seeing too. It meant that they'd get an evening together (often later than scheduled), make mess in her home (he could rarely host under conditions where they could have privacy) and then dash out the next morning to start making up for his absence the night before. She'd get stuck with the prep for the evening, the clean up, and eventually even his laundry.

He just dashed between homes being half-assed everywhere.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi MtnPolyLoversX2,

Sometimes you have to leave out information in your profile, otherwise no one would even consider talking to you. It's just an unfortunate fact of the dating scene. Once someone has recognized that you are worth talking to, you can always raise the topic of poly then.

Just a different perspective,
Kevin T.
 

Inaniel

Well-known member
I don’t think that’s the intention I was going for but I can see your point on it , unintended consequences of just taking a different approach.

If you aren’t doing it for more matches/dates I am struggling to understand your motivation…
 

Marcus

Well-known member
It meant that they'd get an evening together (often later than scheduled), make mess in her home (he could rarely host under conditions where they could have privacy) and then dash out the next morning to start making up for his absence the night before. She'd get stuck with the prep for the evening, the clean up, and eventually even his laundry.

He just dashed between homes being half-assed everywhere.

This person needs to work on their boundary setting and communication skills. If they have rando people coming over to their house and trashing the place and leaving them with the bill, but this isn't something they want... they are just setting themselves up for failure.

If I don't want to host, I need to not host. If I don't mind hosting, but I don't like doing the work of hosting (which usually includes cleaning up after), then I either need to tell people who are in my home to pick up after themselves, or hire a maid service or something. It's important that we don't try to live by other people's rules that we don't agree with, because all it breeds is resentment which will end relationships (as you've described).

That isn't a man/woman issue, that is just someone who has failed to properly take care of themselves and is suffering accordingly.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
What’s your opinion on my approach of “leaving out information” prior … I welcome all opinions in my long winded post

I only share with people what I care to share. Just because I'm going on a date with someone, or moving in with someone, or establish a life partnership agreement with someone, doesn't mean they are entitled to know my every thought or every aspect of my life. I am an independent person though, and I live my life in a way that doesn't include the requirement of confessing everything about myself to anyone, let alone a new person.

Having said that, some information exchange is more critical than others. I express my expectations about how I want to relate to people, what my stance is on control and power exchange, as early as it naturally can come up. These are the things that will be hard stops, so I prefer to get that conversation moving sooner rather than later. On a dating site, I put this stuff right out in front so that there are no misunderstandings. I don't want to waste anyone's time by giving half truths or just omitting information that I know is going to be critical to this new person.

To me it's just setting up a situation of wasting time and causing confusion. For you the juice might be worth the squeeze, but for me I'm happy to weed out people (all of them, if need be) with the reality of my situation because I don't particularly care how many responses I get. I also don't use dating sites anymore because it's just demoralizing and causes people to design their profiles dishonestly (or "strategically").
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
This person needs to work on their boundary setting and communication skills. If they have rando people coming over to their house and trashing the place and leaving them with the bill, but this isn't something they want... they are just setting themselves up for failure.

If I don't want to host, I need to not host. If I don't mind hosting, but I don't like doing the work of hosting (which usually includes cleaning up after), then I either need to tell people who are in my home to pick up after themselves, or hire a maid service or something. It's important that we don't try to live by other people's rules that we don't agree with, because all it breeds is resentment which will end relationships (as you've described).

That isn't a man/woman issue, that is just someone who has failed to properly take care of themselves and is suffering accordingly.

Doesn't quite work like that. People, particularly men, take little by little. What's typical with men is that when you meet them, they make extra effort to do all those things. Mostly because they know other partners, including existing ones, don't like that they slack on that and tell them.

Over time, it creeps in. A few times where it's honestly understandable, and then you find it becomes a norm.

While I think that the only real solution is to have firm boundaries (and we know how people feel about women with boundaries), it's equally easy to just accept the social obligation of keeping the place you regularly stay clean and tidy.
 
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