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Baka1216

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I haven't been a noob at anything in a long time, so let's see how I do.

I am in a long-term, very committed relationship. We are engaged and have a wedding partially plotted.

I am also in love with another individual, and while I have never acted on these feelings, I want to very much.

Now, this is my first serious relationship. I've always known I'm not built for being with only one person and so I was always upfront in the past about not being exclusive. My fiancée swept me off my feet. I have made that promise to her and will keep it. I just feel I am going against who I am and that I may be setting myself up for a dumbass mistake, a loss of control one day in the future.

I truly love my fiancée. I feel a deep love for this other woman, as well. I don't know how to fall out of love with the second woman.

I'm leaving myself open to a lot, in terms of comments, but I feel what I need right now is advice from others who may have dealt with either similar situations, or who may just be able to tell me to get over it. LOL Let's hear it.
 
Hi and welcome,

I don't think this is a "LOL" scenario at all. I think you have made a promise that you are now doubting you will be able to keep, and you are probably right.

I started a thread called "The downsides of being poly" and this is one of them. Monos and polys falling in love is a difficult thing, but definitely one you need to address before you get married.

My poly partner tried to give up a a significant other for me, and in the process, I lost so much of him that I told him I would come to terms with his polyamory. The easy thing for you to do is to tell yourself and your fiancee that you have this 'handled.' You may have it handled at this time, or for a while, but it will come back to haunt you.
 
No. You're right. This is not a "LOL" situation. I am at a tearing-my-hair-out-in-frustration stage in all this. The LOL was just for how open to any type of comment my post was.

Thank you for your reply, Sage.
 
OK, then let's start at the beginning. Have you been honest with both parties? Do they know about each other? You can't have polyamory without honesty.
 
They hate each other. My fiancée knows this other woman cares for me and resents her. She is the enemy. The other woman resents my fiancée for having me. I am trying to be open with them both, but am usually the target of their anger if I bring up anything having to do with emotions for one or the other. I'm the bad guy before I even start talking.

I have tried to stop all communication with the second woman and focus on my fiancée, but I feel empty, in a way. It's hard to explain.
 
Baka1216 said:
They hate each other.
Click to expand...

Unless this changes, there is no hope for building a relationship with both of them that will be healthy for everyone. This is hurdle one, in my opinion; the first brick in the foundation, so to speak. Don't get married until you figure this out. Be strong.
 
I worry there is no real solution and I will lose them both.

Am I too selfish, wanting to love them both?
Does my love for this second woman diminish the love I have for my fiancée?
Is it just cold feet?

I've had all these questions and tons more stewing for months now. I'm almost to the point where I'm accepting there is no happy ending here. Maybe I should go back to being single and stop being only half there for the two women in my life.
 
At any rate, it's awesome that you are asking yourself these questions now. I would definitely hold out on marriage until this is thoroughly cleared up.

It's sad that you think there is no happy ending here, though. I admit that transitioning into very different ways of life, be it polyamory or whatever, is always uncomfortable and, no joke, there may be a lot of casualties on the way.

Maybe think of it this way: if you push for what you really want with your current fiancee, whatever it is that you want, you will likely get a couple of responses. The most obvious one seems like she will not be keen on it, and if you insist this is something you need to do, then you have essentially hit an impasse and will need to compromise, or else go your separate ways. It'll hurt for a long time, but you open yourself up to figuring out some of these questions. Maybe you'll realise that you can and do want to share love with more than one, finally find people who are in accord with that and can be on your way to expressing yourself and the way you love more honestly and without feeling guilty and fatalistic about it.

On the other hand, if you marry her and cut off contact with this other woman, you are beginning your union with her with this seed of having lost something, having sacrificed a part of yourself to be with her, and I don't see how that could build anything but resentment over time. You may secure her presence in your life by agreeing to let go of this other woman, but you are crystallizing a state of affairs that you seem very conflicted with right now.

Can I ask-- is the second woman open to polyamory in general, and just not into your fiancee, or are they both set on the idea of being your only significant other?
 
Baka1216 said:
I worry there is no real solution and I will lose them both. Am I too selfish, wanting to love them both? Does my love for this second woman diminish the love I have for my fiancé? Is it just cold feet?
I've had all these questions and tons more stewing for months now and I'm almost to the point where I'm accepting there is no happy ending here. Maybe I should go back to being single and stop being only half there for the two women in my life.
Click to expand...

Are you too selfish wanting to love them both? Does your love for the second woman diminish the love you have for your fiancee? I would suggest that the answer to both questions is, "No, not if you're polyamorous!" That's one of the basics of polyamory, after all.

There may, indeed, be a "no win" to this particular relationship situation. But, the pain of loss in the short run may be preferable to compromising how you seem to love (polyamorously) in the long run.
 
I'm sorry that you're here under such sad circumstances but I'm glad you're here. There's smart kind people here. *hugs* You wouldn't be so sad if you didn't care so much for both of them.
 
Thank you all for the replies and advice. Just getting it out has helped in a way. I'm still not sure of what I should do, but I will never stop loving either of them.

:( Declarations like that shouldn't make you feel sad.
 
Hey Baka, I feel for you and your quandry.

Speaking from experience, as a 55 yr old woman, I got married at age 22 to a guy I'd been with for three years. I didn't know about polyamory at that time, but I married him still having feelings, not for one other specific person, but knowing I was very subject to being attracted to others. My husband never could handle this. He had low self esteem and would get jealous if I so much as danced with another man.

Fast forward to now. We had a long marriage, over 30 years, and three kids, but my straying eye never stopped straying. I never cheated on him but I know now I am naturally poly. This is one of the reasons we broke up in 2008.
 
In my opinion, you should not feel guilty for loving two women, but you should not marry one of them or involve yourself with another that wants to be monoamorous/monogamous. Neither will be an easy ride and I doubt highly that either will work out.

I suggest that you sit with both of them and figure out what your long-term goals are. If they are marriage, kids, house and monogamy, then say goodbye to both. You can not offer all of these things to both and will resent making a choice.

If you are indeed not monogamous, then don't act like you are. Start embracing the life you need to be living before it's too late.

I married my non-monogamous boyfriend 9 years ago. We are both polyamorous. We have the house, the car, the kid, and the lovers/partners. You can too, but not with these two women, it seems.

Keep reading on here and elsewhere and see what you can learn about yourself and how this all works. It's possible, but you will need time and patience with yourself.
 
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