Not Dead Yet!

Sometimes we get caught up in a fervor about dating new people. It's those times when it is good for us to check our priorities, as you've done.
 
I've had a frequent low grade achiness and all-around pain for many months now. Lately it's gotten worse - used to be once in a while and now it's everyday. Some days are better than others. I mentioned it to my diabetes specialist who suggested I see my primary care physician about it. So I did today.

I might have fibromyalgia. Tests are being done to rule out other causes like rheumatoid arthritis. But it seems like a plausible diagnosis. I am upset and worried. Beyond that, I don't know what I feel yet.
 
opalescent said:
I've had a frequent low grade achiness and all-around pain for many months now. Lately it's gotten worse - used to be once in a while and now it's everyday. Some days are better than others. I mentioned it to my diabetes specialist who suggested I see my primary care physician about it. So I did today.

I might have fibromyalgia. Tests are being done to rule out other causes like rheumatoid arthritis. But it seems like a plausible diagnosis. I am upset and worried. Beyond that, I don't know what I feel yet.
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<hugs> It seems like there's quite a few of us on the board who have fibromyalgia. I do and I know KC43 does and I seem to remember reading it mentioned by one or two other people also. I've been living with fibromyalgia for 18 years, have managed to live a fairly normal life for most of that time (the first few years after the accident that triggered my fibromyalgia were definitely the most difficult, both emotionally and physically), and would be happy to answer any questions you may have by private message.
 
@Hannahfluke,

Thank you so much for reaching out. I will definitely take you up on the PM when I have questions.

So the tests came back as negative, which doesn't mean I do not have fibromyalgia. It does mean I don't have other stuff like rheumatoid arthritis. My doctor seem unworried about it which doesn't make sense to me. But I'm not dying so it's not critical to them, I guess. I see her later on in the summer.

I feel a little better. Not quite as achy and less pain. Not sure why but happy about it.
 
Heh, I think doctors tend to be me-centric, so, they wouldn't be worried about what their patient has. If the doctor came down with fibromyalgia, wow, that would be a whole different story. At least that's what I think.
 
I don't have fibromyalgia. I've been on statins for high cholesterol for years. Apparently statins can cause muscle ache and pains. The doctor I saw suggested I stop taking that medication and see how I felt. And after a week, I did feel much better. Two weeks out, while I still have some aches, I'm not in constant pain.

I'm pissed at myself for just accepting this pain for as long as I did. I'm pissed I just accepted my doctor's prescriptions and didn't look into possible side effects more. I'm pissed my prior doctor never mentioned this to me as a possibility. I realize more and more she was just checked out as a doctor and really should have retired much sooner than she did.

However, I'm grateful it turned out to be easily resolved. Many people are not so lucky. I'm grateful for the kindness and support I received here when talking about the possibility. I hope to return that kindness here in some way.

I'm grateful that others may learn from my experience. Glow is also on statins and started feeling achy pain when she normally doesn't. She realized it might be her statin medication and stopped taking them, which stopped the achiness. She didn't have to go through months of pain to figure it out.
 
And I have an actual poly issues to report. Glow and I have been struggling to find time to spend together. Now is her busiest time of year at work, I've had several work deadlines to deal with in addition to not feeling well for some time. We've been averaging seeing each other about once a week. I'd prefer one seeing her one more day. We've talked about it and have decided to schedule our next time together when we are together instead of waiting. I think that will help. Both of us have many friends we want to see. I don't want to be the type of poly person who ends up highly prioritizing partners and letting friendships fade. (That's a legitimate choice - time is precious. However, it's just not one I'm willing to make and neither is Glow.)

This weekend, we struggled to find time together. We ended up having dinner Friday because I decided not to have dinner with my parents. I was seeing an old, dear friend Saturday - one I've been unable to catch up with in some time. It turned out my old friend was sick and not available to meet Saturday so I checked in with Glow to see if she was free. She turned out to be both working unexpectedly that day and had made plans with an ex-girlfriend to binge watch a show. (Sunday was spent with my dad and mom.) I don't want to be the type of person that either cancels set plans with a friend to meet an SO, nor do I want to be the type of person who expects that of an SO. It's disrespectful to friends and all kinds of couple privilege-y. I told Glow that it was ok she had already made plans and wasn't actually available.

But it was terribly disappointing. I went to a party and had fun. I don't think there is anything to fix here. No one did anything wrong and we are addressing the scheduling issue. But ultimately, I was sad. I'm still really bummed out about it.
 
Sorry things didn't work out with the scheduling this time around.
 
opalescent said:
I don't have fibromyalgia. I've been on statins for high cholesterol for years. Apparently statins can cause muscle ache and pains. The doctor I saw suggested I stop taking that medication and see how I felt. And after a week, I did feel much better. Two weeks out, while I still have some aches, I'm not in constant pain.

I'm pissed at myself for just accepting this pain for as long as I did. I'm pissed I just accepted my doctor's prescriptions and didn't look into possible side effects more. I'm pissed my prior doctor never mentioned this to me as a possibility. I realize more and more she was just checked out as a doctor and really should have retired much sooner than she did.
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You were lucky to find a doctor who suggested leaving the statins! I have heard from three different individuals how they had to find out the information by themselves, quit taking the statins - and their doctors (three different doctors!) were horrified and told them they have to start taking the statins again. As they refused, they ended up in some trouble with the doctors. I don't remember the details, but anyway. If you do some reading about statins, it is all in all very questionable whether they should be used at all.

opalescent said:
I'm grateful that others may learn from my experience. Glow is also on statins and started feeling achy pain when she normally doesn't. She realized it might be her statin medication and stopped taking them, which stopped the achiness. She didn't have to go through months of pain to figure it out.
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Lucky her! Just know that you two are not alone in this.
 
Wow! I'm glad you are no longer feeling ache-y, now that you are off the statins. There are other ways to control cholesterol. I am sure it's a big relief just to know what the fuck it was.

It's a bummer that you and Glow are having scheduling issues but I am certain you'll find a way to work it out.
 
Things with Glow are going glowingly. :D

I think we have resolved the making enough time for us issue we had. It's been much smoother and easier once we agreed to set up the next time we get together when we are together. So that's working well from my perspective and I think Glow is happy with it too.

I worked out some things about why I was kinda freaked out about our relationship, if it was long term or not. First, I realized that I am concerned that Glow may not tell me important things I need to know (or would want to know). This is a trigger from my relationship with Beaker, and with SW to a degree. She has not brought up any issues in our relationship so far. I've always been the one to do that. I also think we have differences in how much mental time we give to relationships. Relationships and how to have healthy, happy ones, has kinda become a bit of a hobby for me. I think about it a LOT. I also think about sexuality a lot - that's been both a personal and academic interest of mine for decades. I think about my sexuality a lot. And I don't think Glow does the same. She thinks about other things. And there is nothing wrong with that. Everybody does not have to be on the all relationships related all the time train! This bothered me for a while until I realized the obvious. I'm still getting to know Glow and vice versa. It hasn't been a year yet (next month! Squee! :D). It's early days yet. I need to chill the fuck out and just see what happens. I know, obvious right? Sometimes I utterly miss the obvious and need reminding, which my therapist did.

I also realized that old baggage from my relationship with Beaker was raising its' head. I knew within a week that I was in love with Beaker. It was that fast. It was partly NRE, of course, but also longer term than that. I just *knew* she was the one. Of course, I was playing out the romance script Western society provides. I would meet someone, I would know fairly quickly they were the 'one', we would move in together, and live together for the rest of our lives. The fact that my relationship with Beaker lasted for some time and was overall positive doesn't change the fact that I was operating under the mainstream romance script. That script allowed me to wear blinders that hid from me how badly the relationship was actually deteriorating in the last few years. It prevented me from admitting to myself that there were serious issues, and from talking to Beaker about them. We were together for life and that was that.

Since I knew so early with Beaker, I was unconsciously expecting a similar lightning strike of 'knowing' with Glow. That hasn't happened. I don't know if we are long term or not. I was all anxious and knotted up because I wasn't feeling that certainty. I realized that that certainty was ultimately toxic for my relationship with Beaker. It's presence is not always a good thing. I realized that not knowing right away was just fine. Realizing the unconscious framework I was using really made the anxiety of 'not knowing' go away. I'm so much more relaxed about us now. We might be a long term couple, or we might not. It's still too early and we are finding out about each other and that is just fine.
 
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Sounds like you've been getting some things worked out with Glow. That's nice to hear.
 
opalescent said:
Relationships and how to have healthy, happy ones, has kinda become a bit of a hobby for me. I think about it a LOT. I also think about sexuality a lot - that's been both a personal and academic interest of mine for decade. I think about my sexuality a lot. And I don't think Glow does the same. She thinks about other things. And there is nothing wrong with that . . .

The fact that my relationship with Beaker lasted for some time and was overall positive doesn't change the fact that I was operating under the mainstream romance script. That script allowed me to wear blinders that hid from me how badly the relationship was actually deteriorating in the last few years. It prevented me from admitting to myself that there were serious issues, and from talking to Beaker about them. We were together for life and that was that.

Since I knew so early with Beaker, I was unconsciously expecting a similar lightning strike of 'knowing' with Glow. That hasn't happened. I don't know if we are long term or not. I was all anxious and knotted up because I wasn't feeling that certainty. I realized that that certainty was ultimately toxic for my relationship with Beaker. It's presence is not always a good thing. I realized that not knowing right away is fine, and likely 'normal', and that not knowing was just fine. Realizing the unconscious framework I was using really made the anxiety of 'not knowing' go away. I'm so much more relaxed about us now. We might be a long term couple, or we might not. It's still too early and we are finding out about each other and that is just fine.
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I just love reading about such deep and profound insights like this! I think that this kind of self-knowledge really is what relationships are for. I'm glad for you that you're feeling more relaxed about things, and have learned so much about yourself and how you tend to operate. Go, you!!!
 
Wow, that was a profound realization, Opalescent. I empathize with much of it, especially the "relationships as hobby" and "lightning isn't necessarily the only way to fall in love" parts.
 
I think it's always really cool to find bits of head-stuff to tinker around with.

The whole "future" thing about relationships, that can be so tricky, can't it?

I'm trying to make sense of it all now with Zen, too. I keep finding myself thinking thoughts of this long future together, and more exclusivity and entanglement than I used to think I really wanted...but I don't think I had permanently closed myself off to the notion of ever doing again. I just really want to be careful. I am afraid of feeling all the hope and wonder of NRE, afraid either that I'll get hurt (past baggage talking) or that I'll make unwise choices because I'm so fluttery. I'm guarding against that as best I can with the life realities that we can't jump into DOING some of the stuff we talk about.

But it feels like a push/pull on my mind and spirit sometimes. I want to jump all in, but I want to not make a fool of myself...I want to be wild and silly and in love, but responsible and dignified and cautious. It almost feels emotionally indecisive. I have to keep reminding myself to just chill out and enjoy THIS, NOW because there is time to work out the rest later. To quit fretting tomorrow and just enjoy today. Because I really do enjoy today, so very much...
 
Just back from a spanking convention. It was fun and I'm glad I went. Spanking is really Glow's thing. She also has many good friends who congregate at this event yearly. I got to meet them which was nice. It was stressful on some levels too. But otoh lovely to wake up with her. We rarely get to do that.
 
Sounds like you had a good time overall; I'm glad to hear it.
 
I've decided to end a friends with benefits relationship today. I haven't talked much about him here as I just didn't have the need.

I'm tired of my time not being respected or valued. I will continue being friends but the sex and kink play time is over. Not worth it anymore.
 
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