Not enough?
- Thread starter Squibby
- Start date
I know it makes us sound like jerks when it is said like that, but basically that is correct. The thing is, it's not the end of the world unless one makes it so.
redpepper
Active member
Love is abundant, not scarce. There is never enough, and I don't intend to limit its possibility in my life. That's how I feel about it and what I say. This thread has a link to some thoughts on the whole abundance versus scarcity point of view. Maybe it will help. I'm sure there is more online if you look. Maybe this link will help with the concept of abundance vs. scarcity in life
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sage
New member
Your bf sounds monoamorous. I totally agree with Redpepper. I experience that with my poly partner. He loves someone else as well as me, and yet I feel more loved than I ever have in my life. Having said that, I still get your bf's words flashing into my head from time to time. They don't come up from any lack in reality, but from my interior sense of lack.
The abundance of love is a great concept. But what also helps me is thinking about things that are important to me, apart from my partner. I love him intensely, but I still need other things in my life to make me happy. When I was in an unhappy marriage, I didn't think that would be the case. I thought that if I had the love of my life, nothing else would matter. But it does. Our love isn't enough to replace my need to do work I enjoy and is sustaining, or my need for other sustaining and enjoyable friendships. It helps me to put his need for his other love into this context.
The abundance of love is a great concept. But what also helps me is thinking about things that are important to me, apart from my partner. I love him intensely, but I still need other things in my life to make me happy. When I was in an unhappy marriage, I didn't think that would be the case. I thought that if I had the love of my life, nothing else would matter. But it does. Our love isn't enough to replace my need to do work I enjoy and is sustaining, or my need for other sustaining and enjoyable friendships. It helps me to put his need for his other love into this context.
thirstythirsty
New member
Tricky question. Of course, it's easily turned around. Is my love not enough for you? Do you need exclusivity, as well?
Vonnegut wrote something fantastic on the subject. *shuffles through library* It's from a speech he did, for graduating students at some college.
It's stuck with me.
(This was in 1974. I'm sure it's more than 1/3 of married couples divorcing now.) This is the best explanation for why my previous long-term relationship ended, and a large part of why I choose to live as polyamorously now.
It's not pretty words, not that useful in winning anyone over to your side. I tend to get "You'll always be enough for me," but I never believe it. But it helps me to see why I live as I do, why it's right for me, which helps me explain it to others.
Vonnegut wrote something fantastic on the subject. *shuffles through library* It's from a speech he did, for graduating students at some college.
It's stuck with me.
(This was in 1974. I'm sure it's more than 1/3 of married couples divorcing now.) This is the best explanation for why my previous long-term relationship ended, and a large part of why I choose to live as polyamorously now.
It's not pretty words, not that useful in winning anyone over to your side. I tend to get "You'll always be enough for me," but I never believe it. But it helps me to see why I live as I do, why it's right for me, which helps me explain it to others.
My response to that question is to say that it is not about "enough," but about variety and extra happiness.
I try to relate it to parents who want another child. Was the first one not good enough? People don't see it that way. They see it as additional love and fun added to the family. You can say that it is analogous to a poly relationship.
If the child example does not work, you can try the idea of owning more than one pet. Or you can try to relate it to food where you have a favorite, but may want variety.
I try to relate it to parents who want another child. Was the first one not good enough? People don't see it that way. They see it as additional love and fun added to the family. You can say that it is analogous to a poly relationship.
If the child example does not work, you can try the idea of owning more than one pet. Or you can try to relate it to food where you have a favorite, but may want variety.
MonoVCPHG
New member
The divorce rate is less then 50% in the US and declining, according to many sources. http://www.census.gov/newsroom/releases/archives/marital_status_living_arrangements/cb11-90.html
dingedheart
Well-known member
Quath, are these examples you use with your partner(s)? I know I wouldn't have responded well to being compared to a pet or a steak dinner. That's just me. In fact, I once said I don't share my car or pants or a pet with my neighbor, so why would I want to with a spouse?
RP, how do time and attention factor into the abundance and scarcity mindset? If you come from a mono relationship, and one spouse finds another relationship, her love increases by the number of new partners... abundant. For the mono, the time, attention and focus from their spouse has become a fraction, 1/2, 1/4, 1/6, whatever it happens to be. From a time and attention point of view, less abundant.
Sage, what do you mean by interior sense of lack, or rather, in what context?
RP, how do time and attention factor into the abundance and scarcity mindset? If you come from a mono relationship, and one spouse finds another relationship, her love increases by the number of new partners... abundant. For the mono, the time, attention and focus from their spouse has become a fraction, 1/2, 1/4, 1/6, whatever it happens to be. From a time and attention point of view, less abundant.
Sage, what do you mean by interior sense of lack, or rather, in what context?
Squibby
New member
That's still over a third, taking into account what I looked up (your link didn't work for me, perhaps because I'm in the UK), which said it was between 40 and 50 percent...
Hmmm I like your point about variety, Quath, and the example of parents wanting more than one child. Thanks!
Squibby
New member
Okay... yeah. Pet not so much, but a child is a beloved member of the family, whether they're the first, second or third. I like Quath's variety argument, but not in the sense of whimsical variety (i.e., trying new recipes for the sake of it or something) but in the sense of adding a new dimension or element of fun and happiness and love to your life.
TruckerPete
New member
When I had "the talk" with my husband, I used this kind of elaborate metaphor to describe my feelings about monogamy, and he liked it so much he's used it to explain our marriage to other people.
Imagine you're shown into a wonderful room. In this room are all the things you love: every video game, book, album, movie, whatever it is for you. All the clothes in the closet fit and are flattering. The bed is soft and comforting, like it was designed for that crick in your neck. You love your room. You love it so much, in fact, that you might never leave. And not leaving is fine. You can stay.
Then imagine that someone says to you, "Do you love this room?" And of course you say, "Oh yes, this room is lovely." And this someone says, "Well, if you want, you can stay forever, but if you ever put so much as one toe outside the door, it will lock behind you and you can never ever come back."
That means that in order to stay in the room, you agree that you will never play any other video games, read any other books, wear any other clothes, sleep in any bed other than the ones in that room. Meanwhile, you can look out the window and plainly see that there IS life outside the room; you just can't be a part of it.
That's monogamy. It's not that what's in the room isn't appealing. You love the room, and everything inside it. It's that you're voluntarily saying, "I will live in one room forever." So my husband and I decided to go ahead and take the locks off. He's still my room, and I'm still his. But, to belabor the metaphor even further, there is now the possibility for adding rooms to the house.
Anyway, that's my take on it. And it works for us.
Imagine you're shown into a wonderful room. In this room are all the things you love: every video game, book, album, movie, whatever it is for you. All the clothes in the closet fit and are flattering. The bed is soft and comforting, like it was designed for that crick in your neck. You love your room. You love it so much, in fact, that you might never leave. And not leaving is fine. You can stay.
Then imagine that someone says to you, "Do you love this room?" And of course you say, "Oh yes, this room is lovely." And this someone says, "Well, if you want, you can stay forever, but if you ever put so much as one toe outside the door, it will lock behind you and you can never ever come back."
That means that in order to stay in the room, you agree that you will never play any other video games, read any other books, wear any other clothes, sleep in any bed other than the ones in that room. Meanwhile, you can look out the window and plainly see that there IS life outside the room; you just can't be a part of it.
That's monogamy. It's not that what's in the room isn't appealing. You love the room, and everything inside it. It's that you're voluntarily saying, "I will live in one room forever." So my husband and I decided to go ahead and take the locks off. He's still my room, and I'm still his. But, to belabor the metaphor even further, there is now the possibility for adding rooms to the house.
Anyway, that's my take on it. And it works for us.
TruckerPete
New member
OMG I FORGOT THE BATHROOM!! LOL
OK, um... Let's see here. The bathroom is always clean, and there's a giant hot tub in it, deep enough that you can submerge to your chin. A sunken copper hot tub. Yeah... And big fluffy white towels that wrap all the way around you, even if you put on a few pounds.
In other words, yeah, I love my husband. He's even a metaphorically-perfect loo.
Thanks.But seriously, that's an awesome metaphor!
MorningTwilight
New member
IOW, to a polyamorous person, even the very best monoamorous relationship is a gilded cage. It's very nice, very fancy, nicely appointed, but it is, nonetheless, a cage.
That's a fantastic metaphor.
MonoVCPHG
New member
I almost lost it on this comment. LOL Then I re-read the first part. I completely agree that to a polyamorous person, monoamory is a cage. To a monoamorous person it is the pinnacle of relationship fulfillment and a foundation to take on other challenges in life.
TruckerPete
New member
And herein lies the difficulty in mono/poly relationships! What a difference in view, eh?
Indeed.
MonoVCPHG
New member
Totally, I think it's good not to forget that monoamorous and polyamorous views can both come from healthy places, as often as they can come from unhealthy ones. Sometimes we project our own negativity towards things, stemming from the idea that ultimately everyone thinks and feels the same way we do. It takes a lot of blind acceptance to trust in the happiness of others when we feel so different internally.
That is absolutely true. My husband and I both identify as polyamorous, which makes things simpler sometimes. But if he weren't or I weren't, I imagine the conversation would have to be had far differently. I hope my little metaphor didn't come across as me dogging on monoamory, just me trying to express how I personally have always felt in monoamorous relationships.
Talking about my relationship with people who really get monoamory is kind of like my experience of talking about my religion (Celtic Paganism) with friends from other religions. At the end of the discussion, one of us always has to smile and say, "If it makes you happy, then it makes me happy too." Because really, that's the whole point.