Not sure if this is right for me

N

NewCouple

New member
Hello,

My name is Bob (38). My wife (32) and I been in the lifestyle for about 3 years now, but I'm unsure if this is for me.

Our foray into the poly lifestyle started accidentally when our neighbor Reggie was getting his house foreclosed on. My wife and I offered for him to move in with us until he found a place. About 3 months in, I caught my wife and Reggie having sex, and within 8 months I was sleeping in the guest bedroom.

Eventually, my wife and I started having sex again. Then she became pregnant. When our child was born, it was obvious Reggie was the father, as he is black and we are white. This created conflict between Reggie, my wife and me, so Reggie moved out and she no longer sees him. I have adopted our son, Michael.

Now my wife is seeing several black men on our street, although it is better than when Reggie was living here, as we have time for our relationship when they leave. The problem is they are coming by more frequently, and there are more of them now coming over now that the word is out in the neighborhood that my wife has sex with some of our neighbors. I have mentioned that it seems like there are too many people coming by, she has not let up. I went to spend the night at my girlfriend’s house for a few nights, and came home to two men sleeping in my room.

This experience has made me realize how much I love my wife and I have hinted that I want to go back to monogamy.

Any suggestions on what else to do to get back there?
 
Also, I feel like this is not the polyamory lifestyle, so could someone advise on what is happening with us vs how polyamory is supposed to work? I would like to get my wife out of the current trajectory she is on. So really new to the lifestyle. I feel like I was pulled into this. Not a together thing.
 
To define polyamory, it means multiple loving romantic adult relationships may happen, with the knowledge and consent of all parties.

It sounds, to me, like your wife is promiscuous, or you could call it polysexual. She is fine having seemingly casual sex with multiple people, either individually or in group sex.

However, you mention having a girlfriend. Do you and she love each other? If you do, and you also love your wife, and your wife and gf are fine with you being in relationships with both of them, you, personally, are practicing polyamory. (Amory means love in Latin, poly means many in Greek.)

Maybe your wife loved Reggie, but the love died out when she became obviously pregnant by him. Since he lived with you guys, I'd guess there was love, or at least fondness, between wife and Reggie. So that may have been polyamory.

Now, however, your wife is enjoying casual sex with multiple men. You are concerned that so many men are coming over and spending the night, that the neighbors are starting to talk. This concerns you, but it doesn't concern your wife. Right now, you and wife aren't on the same page. You're uncomfortable with the pace she is going at, having all this casual sex, while you just have one stable gf. She's fine with her own behavior, however.

You'll have to do more than "hint" at your discomfort. You could ask her to set aside some time to seriously focus on sharing your views, and seeing if you can come to an understanding. The sooner you do this, the better, or you two may perhaps drift further apart. It seems to me that you back off and withdraw most of the time, and just let her do her thing (like when you moved to the guest room and let Reggie take your place in the main bedroom).

By the way, there is really no such thing as the "polyamory lifestyle." Polyamory is a love style, a relationship style. There are many ways to practice polyamory. However, it's not to be confused with casual sex. Some people may be polyamorous, but also enjoy casual sex (or swinging), but there is a difference. All forms of relating are under the ethical non-monogamy (ENM) umbrella.

It is possible for each partner to want something different. One can be polyamorous and one can be a swinger. One can even be monogamous while the other is polyamorous or polysexual. But it takes open clear communication and negotiations to come to an agreement. Also, I'd be concerned that she is practicing safer sex, since she got (unexpectedly?) pregnant with Reggie. You need to get that cleared up too.

If you want to learn more about polyamory in general, please check out our Golden Nuggets section, where you will find lists of articles, books, a podcast, prior important threads on all kinds of topics, as well as a Glossary of terms.

 
This is a lot.

It sounds like your wife cheated with the neighbor, had a child by him, and you adopted the child. Eventually, you also started dating other people. Meanwhile, wife continues to see other people/neighbors for casual sex.

This isn't fully consenting polyamory, to me. This isn't consenting ENM, either. It sounds more like you were "going along with it." But now you are hitting your limit on how much you can take/ignore/do. Could that be true?

Polyamory means "many loves," having more than one GF, BF, partner-type person, and everyone knows and consents. You might be doing something like that on your side, now that you are dating your GF. But wife, on her side, is dating for casual sex, from the sound of it. She is seeing a lot of your neighbors, which you may not love, because it makes living in this area weird for you.

PUD, or "polyamory under duress," is where one partner pretty much railroads the other partner into it. This sounds like "ENM under duress," or similar.

This experience has made me realize how much I love my wife. I have hinted that I want to go back to monogamy. Any suggestions on what else to do to get back there?
Click to expand...
I don't think you can hint. You have to directly ask. "Wife, I want to go back to monogamy. Would you be willing to do that?"

Is there some reason you can't do monogamy with your GF? Or end it with both of them, and after healing, move on to seek monogamy with someone who actually wants to share that with you? You and wife become a divorced coparenting family?

It sounds like you love your wife, but you don't love living like THIS. Sometimes love alone is not enough to make a relationship sustainable.

Internet people might be able to help with one or two problems, but this really is a lot. You might think about talking to a counselor who knows about non-monogamy to help you organize your thoughts and figure out what to do.

You could try www.polyfriendly.org to try to find one.

Galagirl
 
Greetings Bob,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you and your wife are divided on the subject of polyamory. You want to go back to monogamy. Your wife wants to continue "polyamory" in just the way she's already doing it. This leaves convincing her to change her mind, or convincing yourself to change your mind. I'm assuming divorce is out of the question for you. It isn't poly if you don't consent to it.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Magdlyn said:
To define polyamory, it means multiple loving romantic adult relationships may happen, with the knowledge and consent of all parties.

It sounds, to me, like your wife is promiscuous, or you could call it polysexual. She is fine having seemingly casual sex with multiple people, either individually or in group sex.

However, you mention having a girlfriend. Do you and she love each other? If you do, and you also love your wife, and your wife and gf are fine with you being in relationships with both of them, you, personally, are practicing polyamory. (Amory means love in Latin, poly means many in Greek.)

Maybe your wife loved Reggie, but the love died out when she became obviously pregnant by him. Since he lived with you guys, I'd guess there was love, or at least fondness, between wife and Reggie. So that may have been polyamory.

Now, however, your wife is enjoying casual sex with multiple men. You are concerned that so many men are coming over and spending the night, that the neighbors are starting to talk. This concerns you, but it doesn't concern your wife. Right now, you and wife aren't on the same page. You're uncomfortable with the pace she is going at, having all this casual sex, while you just have one stable gf. She's fine with her own behavior, however.

You'll have to do more than "hint" at your discomfort. You could ask her to set aside some time to seriously focus on sharing your views, and seeing if you can come to an understanding. The sooner you do this, the better, or you two may perhaps drift further apart. It seems to me that you back off and withdraw most of the time, and just let her do her thing (like when you moved to the guest room and let Reggie take your place in the main bedroom).

By the way, there is really no such thing as the "polyamory lifestyle." Polyamory is a love style, a relationship style. There are many ways to practice polyamory. However, it's not to be confused with casual sex. Some people may be polyamorous, but also enjoy casual sex (or swinging), but there is a difference. All forms of relating are under the ethical non-monogamy (ENM) umbrella.

It is possible for each partner to want something different. One can be polyamorous and one can be a swinger. One can even be monogamous while the other is polyamorous or polysexual. But it takes open clear communication and negotiations to come to an agreement. Also, I'd be concerned that she is practicing safer sex, since she got (unexpectedly?) pregnant with Reggie. You need to get that cleared up too.

If you want to learn more about polyamory in general, please check out our Golden Nuggets section, where you will find lists of articles, books, a podcast, prior important threads on all kinds of topics, as well as a Glossary of terms.

Click to expand...
Thank you for your kind reply. My wife initially didn’t have feelings for Reggie. He moved in because his house got foreclosed on during Covid. Then they developed a relationship. I have not been with my girlfriend sexually. We are just getting to know each other. The 4 men that my wife is seeing on my street do not spend the night. She works from home, so sometimes they come by before they go to work, sometimes after, sometimes in the middle of the night, it varies. But they do not stay the night. I love my wife, and she loves me, and yes, I would like for us to go back to the monogamous lifestyle, or maybe slow things down.
 
kdt26417 said:
Greetings Bob,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you and your wife are divided on the subject of polyamory. You want to go back to monogamy. Your wife wants to continue "polyamory" in just the way she's already doing it. This leaves convincing her to change her mind, or convincing yourself to change your mind. I'm assuming divorce is out of the question for you. It isn't poly if you don't consent to it.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Click to expand...
Thank you so much. Yes, you nailed it. We have a child now because I was trying to do a nice thing for a neighbor, and that has led to her seeing others. I have a woman that I go to the movies with though, and we are getting to know each other, but she’s not my wife.
 
GalaGirl said:
This is a lot.

It sounds like your wife cheated with the neighbor, had a child by him, you adopted the child. And eventually you also started dating other people. Meanwhile wife continues to see other people/neighbors for casual sex?

This isn't fully consenting polyamory to me. This isn't consenting ENM either. It sounds more like you "going along with it" but now you are hitting your limit on how much you can take/ignore/do. Could that be true?

Polyamory means "many loves." Like having more than one GF, BF, partner type person. And everyone knows and consents. You might be doing something like that on your side now that you are dating your GF. But wife on her side is dating for casual sex from the sound of it. And it's a lot of your neighbors which you may not love because it makes living in this area weird for you.

PUD is "polyamory under duress." Where one partner pretty much railroads the other partner into it. You sound like "ENM under duress" or similar.


I don't think you can hint. You have to directly ask. "Wife, I want to go back to monogamy. Would you be willing to do that?"

Is there some reason you can't do monogamy with your GF? Or end it with both of them and after healing, move on to seek monogamy with someone who actually wants to share that with you?

You and wife become a divorced coparenting family?

You sound like you love your wife. But you don't love living like THIS. Sometimes love alone is not enough to make a relationship sustainable.

Internet people might be able to help with one or two problems but this really is a lot. You might think about talking to a counselor who knows about non-monogamy to help you organize your thoughts and figure out what to do.

You could try www.polyfriendly.org to try to find one.

Galagirl
Click to expand...
Thank you so much. I don’t know how you could figure out so much from what I wrote. But thank you.
 
Most welcome. I hope you talk to a counselor.

I think you have a lot of things to unpack, including maybe wife taking advantage of you/taking you for granted? I'm not sure why you are this passive sounding. Could you be struggling with depression/situational depression? If so, you might think about a check-up with your family practice doctor, too.

We have a child now because I was trying to do a nice thing for a neighbor, and that has led to her seeing others.
Click to expand...

No. Letting Reggie stay during his housing problem was you doing a nice thing for the neighbor.

You have a child now because you chose to adopt Reggie's and wife's child. You could have let Reggie and wife figure out their legal coparenting agreements on their own. You could have chosen to NOT legally adopt this child.

Wife chose to have a cheating fling with Reggie. Wife is choosing to date the neighbors. I don't know what your current agreements are with your wife, but if this isn't working for you, it's ok for you to say "Wife, this isn't working for me."

I encourage you to talk to a counselor. You have a LOT going on. It sounds like you need support in a difficult time.

Galagirl
 
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