Not sure what to do about poly girl...

[MonoGuyWithPolyGirl]

Hi! I'm new here. I want to remain private in case my friend is also here. So, I have always considered myself monogamous. I really enjoy putting all my energy into my partner, just kind of who I am, and I just don't feel like I have the capacity to do that for multiple people. That said, I've had several friends that were poly and I get how that's just who they are and it absolutely works for them - and they're some of the most loving people I know. So I would never look down on the idea of being poly because I know it's just as valid as any other relationship style.

That out of the way, a while ago, I met this girl that was poly. But she's in a semi-mono relationship with this guy, and together for a few years. I guess she realized she was poly after they started dating so they included a couple of female partners that they share. I was originally content to be just friends, as I have quite a few female friends that I adore. After we got to know each other, and realized how we have an incredible number of things in common, some unexpected flirting happened and things shifted to be more romantic. I've never been "the other guy" but since her boyfriend is mono and would absolutely not be okay with us messing around, that's exactly what I became.

I felt really guilty at first but she always complains about this guy like she just doesn't feel loved by him really... plus I'd never had such an incredibly special connection with anyone, so I figured in time she'd bail and then we could actually pursue something serious. Not ideal, but I talked myself into being ok with it. What's more, I'm open to things being poly - to an extent - because that's just who she is, and as long as I don't have to date anyone else, and it doesn't keep my needs from being met, why should I care if she's poly? So I guess you could say I'm mono but open-minded.

However, in the past month or so, I realized that every single male friend she has, she has at least some level of "more than friends" kinda thing going on with. It's like she seems unable to be just friends with a guy without it being somehow romantic or sexual, or something just... more. Even though I would be ok with a certain degree of polyamory, I don't want to be with someone that wants to be with literally everyone else. I think that would diminish how I'd value the connection she and I share because I'm afraid I'd never believe that our connection was as special to her as it would be for me.

So, I'm torn. I feel like it might be in my best long-term interest to let her go, but I've never felt so connected to anyone and the idea of letting her go breaks my damn heart. So, I'm not sure what to do. Is her way of loving... like basically *everyone*... normal for poly people? Or at least some poly people? Are there strategies, ways of dealing with such a mismatch that could make a relationship work, or is it doomed to be a disaster waiting to be unleashed into my life? I just need some guidance here from the internet masses, who (on this site) I would assume have far more experience with such situations.

Thanks,

Unnamed Mono Dude

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening.

Gently, since you wanted food for thought, here is some. I don't know if it will help you come to firm decisions.

After we got to know each other, and realized how we have an incredible number of things in common, some unexpected flirting happened and things shifted to be more romantic. I've never been "the other guy," but since her boyfriend is mono and would absolutely not be okay with us messing around, that's exactly what I became.

So basically you are participating in a cheating affair with a poly woman who is dating a mostly monogamous guy. They will do some group dating with other women, or group sex, but it's largely the two of them, or is supposed to be. Is that what you are saying?

I felt really guilty at first, but she always complains about this guy like she just doesn't feel loved by him, really...

So why doesn't she dump him and then poly date you on the level, rather than doing this cheating stuff behind her BF's back? Do you ever wonder what she does behind your back?

plus I'd never had such an incredibly special connection with anyone, so I figured in time she'd bail and then we could actually pursue something serious. Not ideal, but I talked myself into being ok with it.

Is this your habit? To "explain away" choices you make that you aren't actually ok with? Is this anticipatory grief, like you know this needs to end, but you were/are in the "bargaining stage," trying to make it work ANYWAY, not at full acceptance?

What's more, I'm open to things being poly, to an extent, because that's just who she is, and as long as I don't have to date anyone else, and it doesn't keep my needs from being met, why should I care if she's poly? So I guess you could say I'm mono but open-minded.

You could tell her you are bowing out of this cheating affair, then, and to look you up if she's ever free to actually date you properly.

And even if you only want to date one sweetie, keep that part to yourself. It could be open on both sides so you both could date who you want. Then if YOU choose not to date more people, it's because YOU choose that, and not because the option doesn't even exist for you.

Some people are "people collectors" or "harem builders." Watch out for those.

However, in the past month or so, I realized that every single male friend she has, she has at least some level of "more than friends" kinda thing going on with. It's like she seems unable to be just friends with a guy without it being somehow romantic or sexual, or something just... more.

So you aren't the ONLY cheating affair partner, then. You could explain it away if you felt like it was an "exceptional" connection, and you were "the special one," but on finding that you are just part of many cheating affairs, it's harder to explain away.

So, I'm torn. I feel like it might be in my best long-term interest to let her go, but I've never felt so connected to anyone, and the idea of letting her go breaks my damn heart.

I think you are right. Breaking up would be best for your long-term interests. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

Heartbroken? That's NORMAL for breakups, to feel sad and heartbroken. But trying to avoid feeling that way is not a reason to stay with a cheater.

Polyamory is not "magic." People can cheat on their poly agreements, just as people can cheat on their monogamous agreements, their kink agreements, their swinging agreements, etc. It's the character of the person that makes them a person of their word, not whatever relationship shape they are doing.

If you are into mono-poly, you could date other poly people who wouldn't behave like this, people who would actually keep their word and not do shady things.

So, I'm not sure what to do. Is her way of loving... like basically *everyone*... normal for poly people? Or at least some poly people?

No, cheating is not "normal" for poly people. It's just like with any other relationship shape, there are going to be people who practice healthy and honest relationships, and people who do unhealthy, dishonest, or just weird stuff.

SOMEONE had to be the first person you poly-dated if you chose to poly-date. (And you are poly-dating.) It just stinks that the first one turned out to be a cheater.

If you are monoamorous, and want to love one sweetie, AND strictly monogamous and only want 1:1 relationship shapes, date people who want the same as you, people who want 1:1 shapes only. Stop poly-dating.

If you are monoamorous, and want to love one sweetie, and are interested in poly-dating, and being like the end point person in a poly V, or poly N, or similar, where you still have the one sweetie, but are relationship-shape flexible, and could do either monogamy or polyamory, do that then.

But expect HONESTY. Do not accept shenanigans, cheating and wonky stuff. What for? Healthy polyamory doesn't mean good sense and good manners just get thrown out and disregarded. Have a high personal standard for what you seek in a dating partner.

Galagirl

 

[MonoGuyWithPolyGirl]

Since you wanted food for thought, here is some.

I appreciate it.

You are participating in a cheating affair with a poly woman who is dating a mostly monogamous guy. They will do some group dating with other women, or group sex, but it's largely the two of them, or supposed to be. Is that what you are saying?

Yes

So why doesn't she dump him and then poly date you on the level, rather than doing this cheating stuff behind her BF's back?

It's complicated for her. Kids, etc.

Do you ever wonder what she does behind your back?

Not really, because she's been largely transparent with me. Not always right up front, but when asked, she's answered without hesitation, and not always what I hoped to hear.

Is it your habit to "explain away" choices you make that you aren't actually ok with?

Nope lol. "Explain away" means making excuses, and understanding why I made the choice I did doesn't take away from my own blame. In any case, I made the choice I did because I liked feeling that love and connection. I've had relationships, but nothing that felt so profound, so I talked myself into being ok with it... ish. What's worse is I've been cheated on before, so I know how it feels, so I have definitely felt like a dick over the situation. Which I suppose is well-deserved self-loathing lol.

Is this anticipatory grief, like you know this needs to end, but you were/are in the "bargaining stage," trying to make it work ANYWAY, not at full acceptance?

Good point... probably.

You could tell her you are bowing out of this cheating affair, and to look you up if she's ever free to actually date you properly.

You aren't the ONLY cheating affair partner. You could explain it away if you felt like it was an exceptional connection and you were "the special one," but on finding that you are just part of many cheating affairs, it's harder to explain away.

Pretty much

That's NORMAL for breakups, to feel sad and heartbroken. That's not a reason to stay with a cheater.

Polyamory is not "magic." People can cheat on their poly agreements just the same as people can cheat on their monogamous agreements. It's the character of the person that makes them a person of their word. ... Expect HONEST and ON THE LEVEL. Do not accept shenanigans, cheating and wonky stuff. What for?

I get it. I guess I was just hoping that there was another way. And yes, I'm a mono guy that's open-minded enough to be with a poly girl that has one or two other partners, as long as I still feel like I'm loved as much as I would be if she were mono. I guess my fear is that I won't feel that loved if there are 20 dudes or whatever.

I think the volume of guys involved in some way is what caught me off guard the most. Is that normal for poly people? That they're into ALL of their friends?

Idk... I think you hit the nail on the head with the grieving bit. I don't want to admit to myself what I need to do what I need to do, but I do. fml

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

For much of my adult life, i didn't really have any friends that I hadn't been sexual with in some sense. Or kinky. That's changed now somewhat. But my oldest friends? That's basically how we met.

 

[Evie]

Is her way of loving... like basically *everyone*... normal for poly people? Or at least some poly people?

Fwiw, it is for me.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad it helps you some then.

Idk... I think you hit the nail on the head with the grieving bit. I don't want to admit to myself what I need to do what I need to do, but I do. fml

That's part of anticipatory grief, too, coming to terms with what you need to do. It seems like you know this is not a good thing to be mixed up in.

I guess my fear is that I won't feel that loved if there's 20 dudes or whatever.

Why is that a fear for you, rather than just your preference/limit? Like you are ok poly-dating someone, but if they have that many partners, you'd rather bow out because you don't get the amount of time/attention you need to feel happy participating.

Love might be infinite. But time, energy, dating money, and other resources are not.

Why is it a fearful thing to break up? It's a normal part of dating.

And then... how loved are you really, if this is a list of cheating partners? How "poly" is this? To me, serial cheating isn't ethical and consenting polyamory. It's just serial cheating.

She's been largely transparent with me. Not always right up front, but when asked, she's answered without hesitation, and not always what I hoped to hear.

That's no great prize. Selective truths are not great, and neither is, "You are the special one I can actually be honest with." It might sound nice, but really, it's not bothering to mask around you any more around you, even if she's still masking around the other people. She might think she's got you so sewn up that she doesn't have to bother any more.

Don't get so busy trying to "make it work" so you make the cut on her side that you aren't checking to see if she even makes the cut for what you seek in a poly partner on YOUR side. "Making it work" shouldn't be you bending into pretzels and losing sight of your core values.

What's worse is I've been cheated on before, so I know how it feels, so I have definitely felt like a dick over the situation. Which I suppose is well-deserved self-loathing lol.

Dating someone should not lead to self loathing. That's too high a price for a date.

GG

 

[MonoGuyWithPolyGirl]

Why is that a fear for you? Rather than just your preference/limit? Like you are ok poly dating someone but if they have that many partners, you'd rather bow out because you don't get the amount of time/attention you need to feel happy participating.

Love might be infinite. But time, energy, dating money, and other resources are not.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Having a couple of partners doesn't seem like much of a drawback from my perspective. But the more partners there are, time and energy are just potentially diluted to the point where there's just no point. That would be my worry. But as someone that's never been in a poly situation, I literally just don't have the experience to estimate what appropriate limits are in terms of what's actually workable.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello MonoGuyWithPolyGirl,

It sounds like you have a really special connection with this poly girl, however you are afraid it will lose some of its specialness because she's romantically involved with *all* of her male friends. You need to figure out whether you can settle for such an arrangement. Also it concerns me that her boyfriend doesn't know what's going on, and wouldn't be okay with it. If she was really going to break up with him, she should have already done it.

Most polyamorists have what we could call a "saturation point" -- a point at which they have as many partners as they could handle. A two- or three-partner limit is a typical saturation point for most polyamorists. However, your poly girl doesn't seem to have a saturation point. She can have as many partners as she can get, and she never feels overwhelmed. I think one thing you could ask here is, will your needs get met in a relationship with her? If they will, then I guess it doesn't matter how many partners she has.

I hope you don't get hurt in this situation.
Kevin T.

 

[Evie]

I felt really guilty at first but she always complains about this guy like she just doesn't feel loved by him really...

I'd be a little concerned she's avoiding a break up by adding people. This is generally not a successful long term solution.

 

[MonoGuyWithPolyGirl]

Hello MonoGuyWithPolyGirl,

It sounds like you have a really special connection with this poly girl, however you are afraid it will lose some of its specialness because she's romantically involved with *all* of her male friends. You need to figure out whether you can settle for such an arrangement. Also it concerns me that her boyfriend doesn't know what's going on, and wouldn't be okay with it. If she was really going to break up with him, she should have already done it.

Most polyamorists have what we could call a "saturation point" -- a point at which they have as many partners as they could handle. A two- or three-partner limit is a typical saturation point for most polyamorists. However, your poly girl doesn't seem to have a saturation point. She can have as many partners as she can get, and she never feels overwhelmed. I think one thing you could ask here is, will your needs get met in a relationship with her? If they will, then I guess it doesn't matter how many partners she has.

I hope you don't get hurt in this situation.
Kevin T.

In the end, I think it really comes down to me not knowing what my threshold for what my would be partners saturation point would be. I have zero experience with polyamory. So I really can't say, as I have no frame of reference. So I suppose ultimately my fear comes from lack of experience / fear of the unknown. I just don't know how to expect this to pan out. I suppose I could just figure it out as I go but that's a lot of anxiety for me lol.

I also think that a part of me is worried that, given that there is a limited amount of time and energy any person can reasonably give to the world, that everyone actually does has a saturation point... So if she doesn't seem to, does that indicate an underlying problem? (e.g. Just enjoys attention etc) I'm not really looking for something super casual these days. And she's an absolute sweetheart and seems to really understand me.

Anyway I appreciate everyone's replies

 

[Inaniel]

I think you should run away from this thing.

Look for someone who does check all your boxes. Someone who shares your long-term vision of an ideal relationship. Maybe the ideal never quite turns out the way you expect, but I think that’s a better approach than forcing a relationship where the two of you are at odds from the start.

There's a lot to consider in polyamory, especially with a partner who is very active. I think in practice this relationship is not going to look the way you think it will. If you enjoy pouring all of your energy into a partner, I hope you don't want that in return because it sounds like you are unlikely to get it.

 

[MonoGuyWithPolyGirl]

I think you should run away from this thing.

Look for someone who does check all your boxes. Someone who shares your long-term vision of an ideal relationship. Maybe the ideal never quite turns out the way you expect, but I think that’s a better approach than forcing a relationship where the two of you are at odds from the start.

There's a lot to consider in polyamory, especially with a partner who is very active. I think in practice this relationship is not going to look the way you think it will. If you enjoy pouring all of your energy into a partner, I hope you don't want that in return because it sounds like you are unlikely to get it.

The thing is, she absolutely does check all the boxes, more than anyone I've met in my life... and nothing about our relationship is even remotely forced. It just flows. That's one of the reasons why it's been such a conundrum for me, when I recently realized that she was talking to so many people at the level she seems to be. I wasn't sure if I could be ok with that amount.

I don't necessarily need anyone to give me the same exact high level of energy as I like to give, as I'm not super needy in general. But I do like to have enough time with my partner to be able to give her *my* all... and to be appreciated for it. I guess I'm just not sure if that's going to be possible if she's got so many irons on the fire. Like I've said in other posts, I just don't know, having no experience with polyamorous situations. So, really, my worries come from ignorance, not a lack of connection.

Ultimately, I wanted to figure out a couple things...

1. If it's normal for at least some poly people to just want to love on everyone in their life romantically, or if it indicates a problem where she's just looking for attention. If the latter, I'd be tempted to question the sincerity of her feelings for me. Since a couple of people here said it's normal for them, I'm considering that question to be answered.
2. I was hoping to find out from people have experienced relationships with poly people that have very many partners if it extremely unlikely for any one partner to get a largely similar experience to a monogamous relationship in regards how much time they get with that partner... which is ultimately a big part of the equation for me. (Obviously, the experience on the whole would be entirely different, so just focusing on my own needs for quality time.) Or is it more likely (or even worse, a given) that time together will be substantially diluted by all the other people... in which case, I may not be able to deal with that. That question remains largely unanswered... but it also may not be a question anyone can legitimately answer, since I'm sure every poly situation is as unique as every mono situation is.

Again, I appreciate everyone's time and stuff. Just talking about this anonymously with strangers has given me some needed clarity.

 

[MeeraReed]

Many poly people are able to balance multiple relationships because they have MORE energy than the average person.

My former partner is the type of poly person who has a flirty dynamic with all his friends (even friendships that always stay platonic). He is a high-energy, social person with a high sex drive. He also maintains many deep friendships with many people, including exes, and friends he occasionally is sexual with but overall are more friends than dating partners.

He always had plenty of time, energy, and love for me.

Whereas I am a poly person who is very introverted and would be happy with maybe just two partners.

However, in your case, your whole question is moot unless she leaves her mono boyfriend, right?

 

[Inaniel]

The thing is, she absolutely does check all the boxes, more than anyone I've met in my life... and nothing about our relationship is even remotely forced. It just flows. That's one of the reasons why it's been such a conundrum for me, when I recently realized that she was talking to so many people at the level she seems to be. I wasn't sure if I could be ok with that amount.

I would challenge this statement by asking you if the ideal partner you always envisioned split their time with you and other people, and had sex with other people?

If not, maybe there’s some boxes you forgot to consider.

Ultimately, I wanted to figure out a couple things...

1. If it's normal for at least some poly people to just want to love on everyone in their life romantically, or if it indicates a problem where she's just looking for attention. If the latter, I'd be tempted to question the sincerity of her feelings for me. Since a couple of people here said it's normal for them, I'm considering that question to be answered.

There is no universal “normal”.

If you question her sincerity. That’s not a poly issue. That’s a compatibility issue.

1. I was hoping to find out from people have experienced relationships with poly people that have very many partners if it extremely unlikely for any one partner to get a largely similar experience to a monogamous relationship in regards how much time they get with that partner... which is ultimately a big part of the equation for me. (Obviously, the experience on the whole would be entirely different, so just focusing on my own needs for quality time.) Or is it more likely (or even worse, a given) that time together will be substantially diluted by all the other people... in which case, I may not be able to deal with that. That question remains largely unanswered... but it also may not be a question anyone can legitimately answer, since I'm sure every poly situation is as unique as every mono situation is.

Right, there is no normal with this either when you consider all of the variables. Maybe a spouse travels a lot, or maybe a couple values a great deal of alone time and independence.

All other things being equal, polyamory may decrease the amount of time two people might spend together than the same couple in an alternate mono universe.

My own relationship is a caveat to that, as I participate in kitchen table poly and live with both of my partners. We all spend a lot of time together. But I can only be in one bed at a time. So even in my situation I would say the division of time is felt to some degree.

 

[MonoGuyWithPolyGirl]

Many poly people are able to balance multiple relationships because they have MORE energy than the average person.

My former partner is the type of poly person who has a flirty dynamic with all his friends (even friendships that always stay platonic). He is a high-energy, social person with a high sex drive. He also maintains many deep friendships with many people, including exes, and friends he occasionally is sexual with but overall are more friends than dating partners.

He always had plenty of time, energy, and love for me.

Whereas I am a poly person who is very introverted and would be happy with maybe just two partners.

However, in your case, your whole question is moot unless she leaves her mono boyfriend, right?

Thank you for everything you said. And you're not wrong about it being moot if she stays put. I have not been putting pressure on her, nor will I ever because that is not my decision to make. I have chosen to be patient with the situation and see how she decides, fully prepared to bow out should she choose to stay long-term. I've given myself a time frame on that, which is based on certain events that may or may not happen. I don't want to say anything more because I'm trying to remain private / anonymous.

In any case I found your words encouraging so thank you

 

[MonoGuyWithPolyGirl]

I would challenge this statement by asking you if the ideal partner you always envisioned split their time with you and other people, and had sex with other people?

If not, maybe there’s some boxes you forgot to consider.



There is no universal “normal”.

If you question her sincerity. That’s not a poly issue. That’s a compatibility issue.




Right, there is no normal with this either when you consider all of the variables. Maybe a spouse travels a lot, or maybe a couple values a great deal of alone time and independence.

All other things being equal, polyamory may decrease the amount of time two people might spend together than the same couple in an alternate mono universe.

My own relationship is a caveat to that, as I participate in kitchen table poly and live with both of my partners. We all spend a lot of time together. But I can only be in one bed at a time. So even in my situation I would say the division of time is felt to some degree.

Fair enough. Thank you

 

[GalaGirl]

To me you are in a cheating affair and not ethical poly.

If you are going to poly date? It's fine to be a newbie. In polyamory you might be new to a lot of things but you know YOU.

Same here. In a cheating affair you might be new to a lot of things but you know YOU. You've been cheated on. Now you are helping the cheater. That's new. So... is this going to STAY cheating? Will she be dropping her BF? Or are you dropping her? Or are you going to keep going with the cheating affair?

If you are going to move on and poly date someone else on the level and not like this cheating thing...

Your questions remain.

In the end, I think it really comes down to me not knowing what my threshold for what my would be partners saturation point would be. I have zero experience with polyamory.

You'd know YOUR threshold. So if the person dates 2 local partners, and then maybe several LDR or comet partners... If Partner manages their time and energy so you get what YOU need to feel happy? X dates a week/month? Then you are good. But if you don't get that? You bow out because not enough time and attention.

I don't necessarily need anyone to give me the same exact high level of energy as I like to give, as I'm not super needy in general. But I do like to have enough time with my partner to be able to give her *my* all... and to be appreciated for it.

So what is that in measurable terms? How many dates a week/month do you like to have?

Are you ok not being on the relationship escalator? What would you be sharing? Maybe looking at the relationship menu help you.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/pwkdxp/v3_relationship_components_menu_last_update_for

1. If it's normal for at least some poly people to just want to love on everyone in their life romantically, or if it indicates a problem where she's just looking for attention. If the latter, I'd be tempted to question the sincerity of her feelings for me. Since a couple of people here said it's normal for them, I'm considering that question to be answered.

Everyone is different. Some people have more time and energy than others and want lots of partners. I go the other way -- I get poly saturated at low numbers.

I think here what matters is what YOU want/need in YOUR relationships and if she makes the cut or not.

And it doesn't have to be "either/or." It could be "both/and." A partner's feelings for you are sincere AND partner is doing too much/spreading self too thin/seeking stimulus/dopamine whatever.

Love is great, but love alone isn't enough to make a sustainable relationship. There has to be other compatibilities. That's why people date. To figure it out.

I was hoping to find out from people have experienced relationships with poly people that have very many partners if it extremely unlikely for any one partner to get a largely similar experience to a monogamous relationship in regards how much time they get with that partner... which is ultimately a big part of the equation for me. (Obviously, the experience on the whole would be entirely different, so just focusing on my own needs for quality time.) Or is it more likely (or even worse, a given) that time together will be substantially diluted by all the other people... in which case, I may not be able to deal with that. That question remains largely unanswered... but it also may not be a question anyone can legitimately answer, since I'm sure every poly situation is as unique as every mono situation is.

You have answered yourself there.

You focus on your own need for quality time and if that is being met.

And if it's not enough/partner is too spread thing/things are "diluted" you bow out.

Every poly situation IS as unique as every mono situation is. It's up to the actual people involved how it goes and if there's enough there to keep going.

Galagirl

 

[MonoGuyWithPolyGirl]

To me you are in a cheating affair any not ethical poly.

If you are going to poly date? It's fine to be a newbie. In polyamory you might be new to a lot of things but you know YOU.

Same here. In a cheating affair you might be new to a lot of things but you know YOU. You've been cheated on. Now you are helping the cheater. That's new. So... is this going to STAY cheating? Will she be dropping her BF? Or are you dropping her? Or are you going to keep going with the cheating affair?

If you are going to move on and poly date someone else on the level and not like this cheating thing...

Your questions remain.




You'd know YOUR threshold. So if the person dates 2 local partners, and then maybe several LDR or comet partners. If Partner manages their time and energy so you get what YOU need to feel happy? X dates a week/month? Then you are good. But if you don't get that? You bow out because not enough time and attention.



So what is that in measurable terms? How many dates a week/month do you like to have?

Are you ok not being on the relationship escalator? What would you be sharing? Maybe looking at the relationship menu help you.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/pwkdxp/v3_relationship_components_menu_last_update_for

Everyone is different. Some people have more time and energy than others and want lots of partners. I go the other way -- I get poly saturated at low numbers.

I think here what matters is what YOU want/need in YOUR relationships and if she makes the cut or not.

And it doesn't have to be "either/or." It could be "both/and." A partner's feelings for you are sincere AND partner is doing too much/spreading self too thin/seeking stimulus/dopamine whatever.

Love is great, but love alone isn't enough to make a sustainable relationship. There has to be other compatibilities. That's why people date. To figure it out.




You have answered yourself there.

You focus on your own need for quality time and if that is being met.

And if it's not enough/partner is too spread thing/things are "diluted" you bow out.

Every poly situation IS as unique as every mono situation is. It's up to the actual people involved how it goes and if there's enough there to keep going.

Galagirl

Wow.. thank you!

 

[Magdlyn]

The thing is, she absolutely does check all the boxes, more than anyone I've met in my life... and nothing about our relationship is even remotely forced. It just flows. That's one of the reasons why it's been such a conundrum for me, when I recently realized that she was talking to so many people at the level she seems to be. I wasn't sure if I could be ok with that amount.

This seems like a red flag. Like, too perfect to be real... once you realize how she's spreading herself so thin like that.

I don't necessarily need anyone to give me the same exact high level of energy as I like to give, as I'm not super needy in general. But I do like to have enough time with my partner to be able to give her *my* all... and to be appreciated for it. I guess I'm just not sure if that's going to be possible if she's got so many irons on the fire.

Probably not.

Ultimately, I wanted to figure out a couple things...

1. If it's normal for at least some poly people to just want to love on everyone in their life romantically, or if it indicates a problem where she's just looking for attention. If the latter, I'd be tempted to question the sincerity of her feelings for me. Since a couple of people here said it's normal for them, I'm considering that question to be answered.

Two people's views, preferences, experiences do not equal all of us. I do tend to get more crushes than the average mono person, I suppose. Although mono people might just think it's so "bad" to get crushes, they just push them down, repress them, hide them, deny them, don't talk about them. I do not get crushes on every friend I have. And many of the crushes I get are just fleeting idealizing things that pass very quickly. I certainly do NOT want to pursue relationships with every person I possibly find attractive. God, no. My poly-saturation point is two good partners. I have dated three at a time and found it tiring and confusing.

Some people new to poly get what I call "kid in a candy store syndrome," where they're all "Yeehah! I can flirt with and fuck whoever I want!" And they proceed to try to do so. Generally this phase is self-limiting.

Other people are "NRE junkies." NRE is new relationship energy, that exciting arousing "high" hormonal feeling you get when you start seeing certain people. Often NRE junkies will drop partners fast, as soon as the initial excitement fades.

Yet other people are narcissists, emotional vampires, who feel empty inside and need constant attention from everyone possible, just to feel alive. Even negative attention will do. Narcs can be very charming, in the beginning of a relationship. They seem to share all your interests and feelings, because they are experts at "mirroring." (And the sex can be great... for a while.) But it's a sham. They are tragically self-centered and do not have normal human emotions. They watch people carefully to copy their emotions and reactions. Some actors are narcs. Many politicians are narcs. Most serial killers are narcs. They suck your soul.

1. I was hoping to find out from people have experienced relationships with poly people that have very many partners if it extremely unlikely for any one partner to get a largely similar experience to a monogamous relationship in regards how much time they get with that partner... which is ultimately a big part of the equation for me. (Obviously, the experience on the whole would be entirely different, so just focusing on my own needs for quality time.) Or is it more likely (or even worse, a given) that time together will be substantially diluted by all the other people? In which case, I may not be able to deal with that. That question remains largely unanswered... but it also may not be a question anyone can legitimately answer, since I'm sure every poly situation is as unique as every mono situation is.

For me, I spend part of the week with one partner, part of the week with my other partner, with a day or two in between for myself. I do focus on making much of my time with them quality time. I do not take them for granted.

Again, I appreciate everyone's time and stuff. Just talking about this anonymously with strangers has given me some needed clarity.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

If it's normal for at least some poly people to just want to love on everyone in their life romantically, or if it indicates a problem where she's just looking for attention. If the latter, I'd be tempted to question the sincerity of her feelings for me. Since a couple of people here said it's normal for them, I'm considering that question to be answered.

FWIW, the reason I have had sexual relations with most of my friends is because we were all mix/overlap of several ENM types. We were/are swingers and/or kinksters and/or poly. Most of our sexual/kink interaction would happen in group situations with friends and partners.

Sex/kink is a recreational activity for us. Some people hike and so do we, we just might have a swinging retreat booked wherever we plan to hike.

With partners, you'd typically have more of a personal sex life too as well as some aspects of life/nest building and sharing.

Confusingly, some would have those aspects with platonic friends or partners (queer platonic partners/relationship anarchy).

My point being, it wasn't just having situationships with a load of guys in quite the same way as a serial monogamist.

I was hoping to find out from people have experienced relationships with poly people that have very many partners if it extremely unlikely for any one partner to get a largely similar experience to a monogamous relationship in regards how much time they get with that partner... which is ultimately a big part of the equation for me.

This whole bit actually has an easier and familiar answer, IMO. It depends if you and the other person are wanting the same things at the same time.

It's just like when someone in a mono relationship might want to settle down and orient most resources like time and money towards their life as a couple, but their partner still wants to enjoy a more bachelor(ette) lifestyle. It's either the right time for both of you, or it is not.