Not sure what to do

[steff]

In all honesty, I want her to be happy (it hurts to say this), but even if it's not with me. Such a cliché to say.

I know it was wrong of me to go through their chats, but something was off, and I had to find out. Is she planning a divorce? Are they planning to move? I needed to know. Yes, I know it was wrong. But to my surprise, I saw how she was so comfortable to text girlfriend, while I'm right next to her, how she can't stand it when I hold her, how she felt violated because I was stroking her waist a day ago.

This is in Afrikaans, but I will translate to English below each one:

> Wife : Ek hou nie daarvan as sy aan my vat nie ek wil dood gaan.

>English - I don't like it when she touches me i feel like i can die.


>Girlfriend: Maar hoekom wat het gebeur my Blom

>English - but why what happened my flower


> Wife : Sy hou my vas

> English - she is holding me

> Girlfriend : Voel jy so as ek jou ook vashou

> English - do you feel the same when I hold you

> Wife : Nee glad nie en ek voel net violated asof sy sex van my soek

> English - No not at all, I just feel violated as if she want sex from me

> Wife : Ek is nie gewoond aan haar nie

> English - I'm not use to her anymore

> Girlfriend : Sy soek seks ek voel dit aan

> English - she wants sex, i can feel it

> Wife : Nie meer nie want sy wou nooit aan my vat nie

> English - Not anymore she never wanted to touch me

> Wife : Ek soek dit nie...

> English - I don't want it

> Girlfriend : Is oor ek nou hier is dat sy so raak

> English - it's because I'm here that's why she's being this way

> Girlfriend. : Ek soek

> English - but i want

> Wife : Ek weet ek ook met jou

> English - i know and i want you

> Girlfriend : Stoot haar weg en se jy kry warm

> English - push her away and say your getting to hot with her body heat.

> Wife : Okay ek kan nou nie verder oor die praat nie

> English - okay I don't want to talk about this anymore

> Girlfriend : Ek wag al heeldag want jyt gesê my arms gaan lam wees vanaand

> English - iv been waiting all day because you you said your going to make my arms tied tonight

> Wife : Ek weet en toe verander dinge

> English - I know but then things changed

 

[GalaGirl]

In all honesty, I want her to be happy (it hurts to say this), but even if it's not with me. Such a cliché to say.

Yes, it may come to that, going your separate ways.

I see that you hurt. I'm sorry for that.

Galagirl

 

[steff]

Yes, it may come to that, going your separate ways.

I see that you hurt. I'm sorry for that.

Galagirl

But it's my fault. I am to blame for her seeking attention from other women. I feel I am not allowed to feel hurt, angry, heartbroken, because that's how she felt for years. I fucked up.

 

[GalaGirl]

You are allowed to feel all your human feelings. Who is telling you that you cannot-- your wife, yourself?

GG

 

[steff]

Stupid emails still come through on my phone.

 

[steff]

You are allowed to feel all your human feelings.

Who is telling you that you cannot-- your wife, yourself?

GG

I am. I'm riddled with guilt. Seeing wife with the girl, it's like a honeymoon phase. It just fucking hurts, that's all. I'm hurting. I have never had a heartbreak before, so I don't know how to handle my emotions. You're probably thinking, "Ack, get over yourself and do what you have to do." It's not that easy.

 

[steff]

I did but they all unchecked

I got it

 

[GalaGirl]

I am ...I'm riddled with guilt, seeing wife the girl...its like a honeymoon phase. It just fucking hurts.

You are allowed to feel hurt, angry, and heartbroken because Wife is basically neglecting you and is having her cheating affair in front of your face now, rather than in secret when this was still over at TikTok.

Yes, you did poor behaviors in the past, and Wife felt however she felt about those things back then. That doesn't mean you can't have feelings about what is happening TODAY.

All this New Relationship Energy (NRE) that they have going on is all up in your face. If they aren't going to dial that down then you could tell Lady that it's time for her to move out. Or you could move out. Get some space in there so this stops being so much in your face.

That's all. I'm hurting. I have never had a heart break before, so I don't know how to handle my emotions.

I get that. I can see from your posts that you are upset. I suggest you actually USE your therapist and tell them what is happening to you. Schedule your own individual appointment with the couple counselor.

You're probably thinking "Ack, get over yourself and do what you have to do." It's not that easy.

I think you are suffering. You can't get over your spouse having an affair at the snap of a finger. When you are ready to take some other small steps for yourself, like talking to your counselor, I believe you will do so. You just aren't ready, and that is ok. You took a small step posting here.

Galagirl

 

[Bobbi]

All things in life aren’t and shouldn’t be equal. As poly people we know this all too well, we cannot have equality in our relationships as each is different.

I want to encourage you to accept that equality is not necessary. It seems you think that because she stuck by you during a time when you treated her badly while having addiction issues that you somehow “owe her” the same. You feel shame about what you put her through and think you somehow deserve to be treated this way.

ask yourself if you hadn’t done that, and didn’t feel shame, would you put up with this today?

she chose to stay of her own free will without shame. You should be able to choose to stay or not with her, without shame. You are in recovery and need to do everything to be safe and if that means leaving this situation then leave it. If it means putting your foot down and telling Lady to find her own place then do it. Your wife can choose if she wants to go with Lady or stay with you.

im sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain

 

[Magdlyn]

I am. I'm riddled with guilt. Seeing wife the girl, it's like a honeymoon phase. It just fucking hurts, that's all. I'm hurting. I have never had a heartbreak before, so I don't know how yo handle my emotions. You're probably thinking, "Ack, get over yourself and do what you have to do." It's not that easy.

I hear that you're hurting. I hear that your disease caused you to hurt your wife. I see you are taking responsibility for your past misbehaviors.

That doesn't mean you need to just sit there taking punishment. Your therapist will listen to you and make a safe space for you to feel your feelings and work through them, so you can have a better life. Stop lying to your therapist.

(Again, this is a board for polyamory, but what you're going through is NOT POLYAMORY. One of the requirements of polyamory is the practice of loving more than one with the knowledge and joyful consent of each party. Your wife is not acting in loving ways to you and you are not joyfully on board with her shoving her NRE in your face.)

 

[steff]

Stupid emails still come through on my phone.

Fixed

I hear that you're hurting. I hear that your disease caused you to hurt your wife. I see you are taking responsibility for your past misbehaviors.

That doesn't mean you need to just sit there taking punishment. Your therapist will listen to you and make a safe space for you to feel your feelings and work through them, so you can have a better life. Stop lying to your therapist.

(Again, this is a board for polyamory, but what you're going through is NOT POLYAMORY. One of the requirements of polyamory is the practice of loving more than one with the knowledge and joyful consent of each party. Your wife is not acting in loving ways to you and you are not joyfully on board with her shoving her NRE in your face.)

I hear all of you. And appreciate all your support.

Sometimes our maid mixes my clothes with Lady's clothes. So I asked Lady if I could just look for my shirt I need for work. She was in the living room and said I could. While looking for my shirt a note fell out onto the floor. I opened it. It was a note from Wife to Lady, telling her how much she loves her and everything she does and that she wishes she met her a long time ago.

I put it back exactly how it was and left the room. I made like every thing was okay. I didn't want her to realise that she forgot the note and I read it.. I wasn't snooping this time. It was like its a sign or something. I don't know.

But I'm at work, hiding in the dark and starting to think of how to suggest separation. I'm shattered and I don't know if I'll ever recover from this....8 years...poof! Gone....

 

[GalaGirl]

I understand you feel hurt finding this note. I suggest you tell the maid to leave the clean clothes on the living room couch or something similar, and each person gathers their own clothes to put away in their room. Or next time, you ask Lady to go fetch it out of her room, because you prefer not to go in there. Either way, start putting some separateness in there where you can. All of you need your own privacy.

But I'm at work, hiding in the dark and starting to think of how to suggest separation.

You could talk to a counselor first to gather your thoughts. If you want a separation, Wife doesn't have to agree. You can simply separate for your own wellbeing. How you do it is up to you.

Even if you aren't ready for a big separation, could start with a little one. Go stay at a hotel for a weekend by yourself, if you can afford to. Or go visit family/friends on your own for a weekend. You sound like you need some REST, some time/space away from this household.

For a longer separation, did you ever actually make a rental agreement here? You give Lady notice to move out according to the contract. Or you go ahead and move out. Or a combo. Give her notice according to the contract AND you move out.

Figure out your situation.

I'm shattered and I don't know if I'll ever recover from this....8 years...poof ! Gone....

It is okay to feel shattered over finding this love note by accident. It is okay to not know if/how you will recover from all this. I encourage you to talk to your counselor.

The eight years were had, though. Nobody can take your memories of them away from you.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Fixed

Good.

I hear all of you. And appreciate all your support.

And I want you to feel heard too. Sometimes we rush to fix things, because the actions to take seem obvious. But often a person needs to feel heard and seen first, to get those feelings out there and have them reflected back, especially if they've been bottling them up for a long time, or they've tried to express them to someone and had those feelings denied.

Sometimes our maid mixes my clothes with Lady's clothes. So I asked Lady if I could just look for my shirt that I need for work. She was in the living room. She said I could. While looking for my shirt, a note fell out onto the floor. I opened it. It was a note from Wife to Lady, telling her how much she loves her and everything she does, and that she wishes she met her a long time ago.

I put it back exactly how it was and left the room. I made like every thing was OK. I didn't want her to realise that she forgot the note and I read it. I wasn't snooping this time. It was like its a sign or something... I don't know.

But I'm at work, hiding in the dark and starting to think of how to suggest separation. I'm shattered and I don't know if I'll ever recover from this....8 years...poof! Gone....

We call that the "sunk cost fallacy." It's like you're thinking, "All of our history, and all of our work, and for what? We just end it now?"

Just because you've put eight years, or 30 years (like I did) into a r'ship, it doesn't mean you're doomed to be with that person forever, if you're no longer compatible. You learned things about yourself and about life in general during those years, and now, sober, armed with more knowledge, and by improving your communication skills, coping skills, etc., you can go on to have better relationships in the future. Make a fresh start! Turn over a new leaf!

You can work on your social skills with your therapist too.

 

[steff]

Thank you, you all are wonderful. You are all helping me gain some courage with every response.

I'm going to sleep in the spare room for now. But I know she will ask me why am I not sleeping in my own bed and it will make her upset. (It's like she is looking for a reason to fight, and I hate that.) OR she will get the point and carry on like nothing is wrong. Either way, I'm slowly going to distance myself.

Thanks again for all the advice.

 

[GalaGirl]

Sleeping in the spare room is reasonable if you want to create some space/separateness.

I know she will ask me why am I not sleeping in my own bed.

Answer: because you want some space right now.

and that makes her upset

So? She can feel all her adult feelings. You aren't doing anything horrible TO her by changing where you choose to sleep so you can do a bit better in this situation.

It's like she is looking for a reason to fight, and I hate that.

Don't take the bait if she wants to pick a fight with you. Do nothing.

OR she will get the point and carry on like nothing is wrong.

If she wants to pretend nothing is wrong, don't do anything about that either. Focus on YOUR wellbeing. She can manage hers.

Either way, I'm slowly going to distance myself.

Good. Do what you need to do in small steps so you can start to feel better.

Talk to your counselor when you are able to.

GG

 

[Evie]

A few of us have our own rooms

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you. You all are wonderful. You are all helping me gain some courage with every response. I'm going to sleep in the spare room for now, but I know she will ask me why am I not sleeping in my own bed and that will make her upset. It's like she is looking for a reason to fight and I hate that. OR she will get the point and carry on like nothing is wrong. Either way, I'm slowly going to distance myself.

Moving into a spare room is the perfect first step. There's no point in sleeping with Wife if she's turning her back on you and feeling repelled if you accidentally touch her.

As part of my separation process, I moved out of our shared bedroom too. My ex h made some sarcastic comment like, "Have a nice life." (I just said "Thank you," and left it at that.) He got the point. It still took me a few years to actually break up with him (when he got his own apartment). (We had growing children and I couldn't bear to break up our household before they were mid-to-late teens.)

But that room of my own gave me space to feel independent, to think, to do as I pleased. I decorated it to my own taste.

(Also, my ex used to come to bed an hour or two after I did, turn on the TV, and pick up his guitar and play it for a bit, then get in bed and leave the TV on. I'd wake later, around 2:00 am, and have to dig around him to find the remote to turn the TV off, and often this would wake me up and I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep for an hour! [That's off topic, but it was another benefit of sleeping alone haha])