Feel this way...broken, empty, lost, destroyed.I'm sorry you struggle.
I mean this kindly, ok? You cannot keep going like this. So far off course and going against your own grain.
You are doing self damage, and risking your sobriety. Please keep up your AA, talk to your sponsor, and consider a counselor to help your sort out what's going on. Internet people might help you with 1 or 2 things but this is A LOT.
YMMV but could try
Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directorywww.polyfriendly.org
for a counselor who has experience with alcholism, divorce, and polyamory gone wrong.
Not appropriate to just move strangers into your home. Much less suicidal ones. Even if you have training to deal with suicidal patients? You don't bring them home.
What you could have done is given her the bus ticket money and encouraged her to talk to someone local and get herself help. Assisted in smaller, more appropriate ways that don't bring YOU problems.
But she is here now.
You do not sound like you want to be involved in a cohabitating poly V.
I think you could ask Meta to move out. Or you move out. Start there. Wife is the hinge. She can visit each of you in separate homes.
Why were you not honest with your wife?
I get you did some terrible things when you were not sober. I don't know what counseling you and wife have been doing to heal all that.
But having done poor behavior in the past? That's not a reason to keep ON doing poor behavior now. Or like putting wife on some pedestal trying to "make it up to her" to your own detriment. Like dinging your own health and well being forever. Why do that?
She's not obligated to get involved/date you just to gain access to dating your wife.
That is something you and wife have to work out in couple counseling perhaps.
Right now? Wife sounds caught up in New Relationship Energy and you are in poly hell.
kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?
COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas forwww.kathylabriola.com
I think you know taking other people's things and spying inside them is not ok to do.
If you were scared, you could have talked to wife and just asked her if she is falling out of love with you. Addressed it with the right person and addressed it directly.
Not sneaking into your guest's phone. You might regret inviting this homeless woman to live here, but that doesn't make it ok to snoop in all her things.
I think you could own it. Apologize for the intrusion. Promise to stay out of personal belongings in future. And to help you stay on that track, ask them to put their devices on passcodes.
Then start having the conversations you need to have with wife and stop putting it off. I can imagine it might be overwhelming, hard, or scary. But putting it off does what? Drags out the suffering. You can talks with a counselor's help if that helps get through it.
You did yourself a big disservice agreeing to practice polyamory without knowing what that means. It means sharing love and sex with more than one partner. You did yourself a big disservice in not being honest about you not really wanting any of this.
No point in splitting hairs on that though. That you didn't actually want this situation.
The situation is HERE.
You are in a cohabitating poly V that you don't want to be in.
When all the things are hard?
Pick you hard. And REDUCE you stressors if you can't solve them all right away.
Have a separation if you cannot afford to go right to divorce. Those take time to organize. Seek a counselor. And a lawyer.
HOW you separate?
Move out and separate if you can afford. Get you out of this home where you cry to sleep every night taking turns sharing your wife's bed. Make your own new home in a flat where things are peaceful in there. And you fall asleep in your own space and no longer have to hear them sharing sex through the wall. Where you are no longer near your meta's phone tempted to peek in there.
If you cannot afford to move out yet? Take the other bedroom. They can share one. You are in the other one. No swapping nights any more. Get the best noise canceling head phones you can afford.
Do an "in house separation" as much as you can. Depending on the laws where you live, you may want to talk to a lawyer to draw up separation agreements.
If they are not working? Expect them both to get jobs.
And no. You are not "taking wife's happiness" away.
You are reducing your sadness and stress and trying to return to your core values, and to authentic you.
Wife can create her own future happiness WITHOUT it coming out of your hide.
You have to be able to say "I love you a lot. But NO. Not even for you will I do stuff I don't really want or stay in stuff that hurts me. That is asking too much."
Don't want to what? Are you suicidal?
Galagirl
Not sure what to do
- Thread starter steff
- Start date
Why are you trying to force a triad when it's quite clear that this newer person is just not into you/that relationship structure? Why can't you find someone else to date yourself, making an "N" shaped polycule rather than a triangle shaped one? Polyamory isn't "like monogamy but with three people" most of the time.
Accept that she's your roommate, and that's it. There will be no (You + Lady) dating. She is only interested in dating your wife. If you want to seek your own GF, you can do that. You, wife, and Lady do not have to be dating each other.
Even if Lady tries to hit on you, tries to start sex with you? Tell her NO. You and she are NOT dating. There is no group sex with you + wife + Lady. Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. It is its own thing. And you are not obligated to participate in it.
I think you need your own bedroom.
Are you saying Lady came into the bedroom where you and wife were, tried to start sex with you to wake up wife, to get wife interested in sharing sex? You did not want to. Then you watched Lady take some liberties with sleeping wife, and you did nothing/said nothing til a few days later? And when you told wife this happened, she did not believe you?
This whole things sounds weird. Not letting people sleep is a form of abuse.
Galagirl
expand...Yea that's it...so blind.. like wtf do you say ?? " um, excuse me miss, if wanted to fuck her then do so, don't use me to get to her"
Hellll no, wife would flip because I'm not trying. I felt so dumb...and wifey was NOT feeling well, she had her sleeping tablet and now lady wants nookie, when I already told her no she is sleeping . Then I get shat out the next morning....the fuck. That's when my attitude changed. Now I just tolerate her.
I don't even know.
I think you could tell Wife again that Lady came into the bedroom and was taking liberties (while Wife was passed out on sleeping tablets) with you and with sleeping Wife.
You don't like it. You want Lady to move out. And you want your own bedroom until then. And whatever Wife and Lady do in their relationship is their deal. This is too weird for you and you are out.
Things do not sound healthy here at all.
Galagirl
You don't like it. You want Lady to move out. And you want your own bedroom until then. And whatever Wife and Lady do in their relationship is their deal. This is too weird for you and you are out.
Things do not sound healthy here at all.
Galagirl
This whole situation is about the fact that I neglected her regarding intimacy, sex, attention, affection, etc., for a few years. I tried to trace the root cause of this and it all leads back to the beginning. Because of my a io s, she now feels the need to have someone else. She told me straight up, "I will never be able to be intimate with you again. I can't. It feels wrong."
In the beginning, she just left her boyfriend and jumped straight into a relationship with me. She had to come out to her family, who rejected this and still do. Back then, she went on my old Facebook and saw my friend and then accused me of sleeping around. I ended my friendships with all my female friends. We would fight all the time. Things have gotten better over the years, but she is now doing things that she detested 8 years ago.
Example: back when I was dating her, I forgot that dating apps were on my phone. I never went back on the sites, yet she said I was cheating on her.
7 years later she joined TikTok, a social platform, and when random people could connect, this is how she found the first girl who introduced her to consider a poly relationship. This must have been going on for a while behind my back. She asked me what do I think of poly relationship? I said I'm not sure, but I don't think it would be a good idea. A few weeks later she told me about this girl and invited her over. This girl kissed my wife first, then, when I walked out of the bathroom, she pulled into me. But I pushed her away. My wife was there and said it was OK. Cheating???
When I asked, all she said was, "I didn't know I could be in love with more than one person. It's ok to do it."
That same night, they told me they were in love. I was blindsided. They would exclude me and go to the bedroom for the whole day, with the door closed, chatting, laughing, etc.
She broke my wife's heart in the end, and I was left to console my wife because her "girlfriend" broke her heart.
2 years later and the very same thing happened. EXACTLY THIS SAME THING. Only this time, the new girl was truly in love with her.
This is too hard. I can't begin to comprehend what's what. They both reckon I don't see what is happening. They think I am blind to this. They are sorely fucking mistaken.
So I thought about what to do, reverse psychology?
Today I got her a pot of roses that she can plant, not a bunch that dies after 2 days, red roses. On the pot I said, "I'm sorry, I love you."
I saw immediately a look of guilt. It was very fast, but it was there.
Guys, is this mean? I can't handle confrontation... childhood trauma. Talk to me, be brutally honest.
In the beginning, she just left her boyfriend and jumped straight into a relationship with me. She had to come out to her family, who rejected this and still do. Back then, she went on my old Facebook and saw my friend and then accused me of sleeping around. I ended my friendships with all my female friends. We would fight all the time. Things have gotten better over the years, but she is now doing things that she detested 8 years ago.
Example: back when I was dating her, I forgot that dating apps were on my phone. I never went back on the sites, yet she said I was cheating on her.
7 years later she joined TikTok, a social platform, and when random people could connect, this is how she found the first girl who introduced her to consider a poly relationship. This must have been going on for a while behind my back. She asked me what do I think of poly relationship? I said I'm not sure, but I don't think it would be a good idea. A few weeks later she told me about this girl and invited her over. This girl kissed my wife first, then, when I walked out of the bathroom, she pulled into me. But I pushed her away. My wife was there and said it was OK. Cheating???
When I asked, all she said was, "I didn't know I could be in love with more than one person. It's ok to do it."
That same night, they told me they were in love. I was blindsided. They would exclude me and go to the bedroom for the whole day, with the door closed, chatting, laughing, etc.
She broke my wife's heart in the end, and I was left to console my wife because her "girlfriend" broke her heart.
2 years later and the very same thing happened. EXACTLY THIS SAME THING. Only this time, the new girl was truly in love with her.
This is too hard. I can't begin to comprehend what's what. They both reckon I don't see what is happening. They think I am blind to this. They are sorely fucking mistaken.
So I thought about what to do, reverse psychology?
Today I got her a pot of roses that she can plant, not a bunch that dies after 2 days, red roses. On the pot I said, "I'm sorry, I love you."
I saw immediately a look of guilt. It was very fast, but it was there.
Guys, is this mean? I can't handle confrontation... childhood trauma. Talk to me, be brutally honest.
I hope you feel better for airing that out some.
To be brutally honest, I think you and wife could separate ASAP and then break up. You cannot continue this way. This is not a healthy-sounding relationship.
Wife is no longer interested in sharing sex with you, and is pretty much cheating in front of you with a partner that you moved in there. I don't know if you were manipulated into that, or what. But it was not a wise choice to move this suicidal TikTok stranger into your home.
You put up with a lot of ugh in this marriage because you think you need to "make it up to wife" for your past wrongdoings, like you have to "make her happy." But you do this to your own detriment.
It doesn't sound like you and wife bring out the BEST sides of each other. It sounds like she's done some things in the past also that were not great.
You don't feel good participating here. Because you don't feel good and are not great at being direct, you resort do doing things in secret or indirectly that later you also don't feel good about, such as snooping in phones, reverse psychology/guilt trips with the roses, etc.
Lady hitting on you to get wife to do group sex when she's not really into you is user-y. And then when Lady tried to wake sleeping wife up for sex and did whatever else she did, it sounds like you went into shock. Wife didn't believe what happened when you told her later, since she was out on sleeping tablets and all twitterpated about Lady. For sure, Lady did not respect your "No." I'm not sure if that was some kind of sexual assault, but would not be surprised to read later that it was.
I think you could benefit from therapy for your mental health. And probably talking to a lawyer about your options for ending the marriage, and moving out if you can afford do that now. Even if it makes you sad, it would be a smaller sad than what you are experiencing now. You can get SOME relief. Sometimes the body must leave before the mind and heart can even begin to heal.
I don't think you are going to work on getting yourself out of this situation until you do some work in therapy first, because you sound pretty low and depressed, not really ready to make changes.
I think if this carries on it's just a ticking clock for WHO is going to the be the one to get full of it first and blow up-- you, Wife, or Lady. It's not a sustainable situation.
I think you could read this even if it is hard to read. Pay attention to the bullet points, especially the second and third sets.
www.scarleteen.com
I sincerely hope you do reach out to a counselor and start taking charge of your life. Start doing behaviors you CAN be proud of. The current state of things sounds terrible. I'm sorry.
Galagirl
To be brutally honest, I think you and wife could separate ASAP and then break up. You cannot continue this way. This is not a healthy-sounding relationship.
Wife is no longer interested in sharing sex with you, and is pretty much cheating in front of you with a partner that you moved in there. I don't know if you were manipulated into that, or what. But it was not a wise choice to move this suicidal TikTok stranger into your home.
You put up with a lot of ugh in this marriage because you think you need to "make it up to wife" for your past wrongdoings, like you have to "make her happy." But you do this to your own detriment.
It doesn't sound like you and wife bring out the BEST sides of each other. It sounds like she's done some things in the past also that were not great.
You don't feel good participating here. Because you don't feel good and are not great at being direct, you resort do doing things in secret or indirectly that later you also don't feel good about, such as snooping in phones, reverse psychology/guilt trips with the roses, etc.
Lady hitting on you to get wife to do group sex when she's not really into you is user-y. And then when Lady tried to wake sleeping wife up for sex and did whatever else she did, it sounds like you went into shock. Wife didn't believe what happened when you told her later, since she was out on sleeping tablets and all twitterpated about Lady. For sure, Lady did not respect your "No." I'm not sure if that was some kind of sexual assault, but would not be surprised to read later that it was.
I think you could benefit from therapy for your mental health. And probably talking to a lawyer about your options for ending the marriage, and moving out if you can afford do that now. Even if it makes you sad, it would be a smaller sad than what you are experiencing now. You can get SOME relief. Sometimes the body must leave before the mind and heart can even begin to heal.
I don't think you are going to work on getting yourself out of this situation until you do some work in therapy first, because you sound pretty low and depressed, not really ready to make changes.
I think if this carries on it's just a ticking clock for WHO is going to the be the one to get full of it first and blow up-- you, Wife, or Lady. It's not a sustainable situation.
I think you could read this even if it is hard to read. Pay attention to the bullet points, especially the second and third sets.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
I sincerely hope you do reach out to a counselor and start taking charge of your life. Start doing behaviors you CAN be proud of. The current state of things sounds terrible. I'm sorry.
Galagirl
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Thank you for taking the time to read this.. It's a lot to take in. I didn't know who to turn to for advice, but I found this page. I feel like a weight has been lifted, to be able to speak my mind and be completely honest. Even when I did something unethical, I was honest about it.I hope you feel better for airing that out some.
To be brutally honest, I think you and wife could separate ASAP and then break up. You cannot continue this way. This is not a healthy-sounding relationship.
Wife is no longer interested in sharing sex with you and is pretty much cheating in front of you with a partner that you moved in there. I don't know if you were manipulated into that, but it was not a wise choice.
You put up with a lot of ugh in this marriage because you think you need to "make it up to wife" for your past wrongdoings, like you have to "make her happy." You do so to your own detriment.
It doesn't sound like you and wife bring out the BEST sides of each other. It sounds like she's done some things in the past also that were not great.
You don't feel good participating here. Because you don't feel good and because you are not great at being direct? You resort do doing things in secret or indirectly that later you also don't feel good about. Snooping in phones, reverse psychology/guilt trips with the roses, etc.
Lady hitting on you to get wife to do group sex when she's not really into you is user-y. And then Lady trying to wake sleeping wife up for sex and doing whatever it is that Lady did? You sound like you went into shock and wife doesn't believe what happened when you told her later since she was out on sleeping tablets and all twitterpated with Lady. For sure Lady did not respect your "No." I'm not sure if that was some kind of sexual assault but would not be surprised to read later that it was.
I think you could benefit from therapy for your mental health. And probably talking to a lawyer about your options for ending the marriage. And probably moving out if you can afford do it now even if it makes you sad. Just so it's a smaller sad than the sad you experience now and you can get SOME relief. Sometimes the body must leave before the mind and heart can even begin to heal.
I don't think you are going to work on getting yourself out of this situation until you do some work in therapy, because you sound pretty low and pretty depressed but not really ready to make changes.
I think you could read this even if it is hard to read. Pay attention to the bullet points, especially the second and third sets.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
I sincerely hope you do reach out to a counselor and start taking charge of your life. The current state of things sounds terrible. I'm sorry.
Galagirl
Galagirl, I'm listening and I'm thinking about what you are telling me. Kevin, all of you. I thought I was alone in this. It felt like I was in a room full of people, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one was listening. But you guys are so amazing and supportive.
My current therapist has no idea what's going on. My wife said we should not talk about it to her. The therapist would tell me to get divorced immediately. She is good at her job, but I don't think she knows anything about polyamorous relationships. She would have to go see a therapist when I'm done with her lol.
Wife can see when I'm not happy. She tells me to get over my "jealousy," "We are all in this together." But we're not. They are, not me.
nee vok ek weet nie.
I do feel better thank you
If your wife wants to hide things in therapy, that's her issue to sort out. You do not have to go along with that And most counselors know their clients are sometimes not honest with them. Some will "fire" a client if it's just a waste of time to them because the client will not do the work.
Therapists don't tell you what to do. They ask you hard questions so you can figure out what is best for your situation.
What's wrong with a divorce, if that is the healthiest choice here?
You are not doing polyamory here, imo. It sounds like your wife started an online cheating affair and then you agreed to move in her cheating affair partner.
Most therapists do have therapists of their own, at one point or another. Dealing with clients is a stressful job and they have to keep their own heads above water.
If your issues are too much for this therapist or are outside their scope, they can hopefully help give you a referral.
On your side of things, you can make an individual appointment with this counselor, tell them what is going on, and say that wife wanted you to hide it from them. And/or you could seek a separate individual counselor you can actually tell everything to and get the help you actually need.
Therapy is expensive. I don't know why you listen to wife and keep things secret. That just means the counselor doesn't have all the pieces and cannot help you as effectively. Everything takes longer, and there go the bills.
That sounds mean, like you having real feelings as a result of her behaviors is an inconvenience to her, so she just wants you to put on a "happy face" around her so she can go,"Tralalala," and do whatever she wants.
Galagirl
Honestly, yes. I agreed to it when I should have been honest from the beginning. I pray to GOD she doesn't find out about all of this. She tends to go through my phone and check my searches. Yet she has a password on her GB WhatsApp. I don't know why, but it just says another that she is hiding so much from me. I'd rather not know.
Galagirl, I went into that link, copied all of it, and put in a Word document so I can read it when I'm alone. I'm on night shift now.
Galagirl, I went into that link, copied all of it, and put in a Word document so I can read it when I'm alone. I'm on night shift now.
I wonder if you were not honest in the first place because you are scared of your wife/are being abused by your wife? Do you often try to placate or walk on eggshells? So she won't rain hell on you? Is that true?
I wonder if she can have privacy and demands it. But then doesn't want you to have passcodes or privacy yourself and expects access to all your things any time. Is that true?
GG
Get your phone password protected now, on your next work break. You deserve privacy during this difficult time.
This is not polyamory. This is two people with lots of issues, and one of them is cheating.
I divorced my husband when he'd been the main breadwinner in our r'ship for 30 years. Yes, he had to pay me alimony for a while, but I had to live a much less opulent lifestyle after we divorced. It was well worth it.
I think in your case it would be better to pay some alimony than live like this. Hell, right now you're paying for both Wife and Lady to have room and board and probably fun dates. It will probably cost less to divorce. Depending on your country's laws, you might not have to pay that much alimony. Your lawyer will help you get a fair settlement.
I was afraid yes , but then again I never gave her the attention she needed so I feel I have to accept the new life style because it makes her happy. I would not say it abuse . Don't get me wrong she is a really good person
I did but they all unchecked