Not sure what to do
- Thread starter steff
- Start date
It's a really long story. I don't even know where to start. Right now, I have a situation. We have had a poly relationship before, but she messed us up. She has fallen in love with my wife and my wife with her. This women suggested a poly relationship, because I could not give her the attention she needed, mostly sex. I don't know why, but my libido was very low for a very very long time.
My wife has been on TikTok for a few years, where she created a group to support the LGBTQ community. A few months ago, she made friends with a girl, but it quickly turned into flirting. She made it clear to this girl that she was married to me. She did respect that, but she still flirted.
I didn't know this at the time, but I could pick up that she was was talking to someone else. So my wife introduced me to this new girl. We became friends. She was having a hard time at home and on the verge of offing herself, so I jumped in and got her a bus ticket her to stay with us and start a new life.
When she got here, I could immediately feel the sexual attraction between the both of them. A week later, my wife asked if we could have a poly relationship again. I wasn't truly honest. I didn't want to, but I said yes because I wanted her to be happy.
She was happy. But again, they have fallen in love with each other. This girl only wants my wife and nothing with me. (My wife doesn't want intimacy with me because I've neglected her for so long.) So now we take turns sleeping in two rooms. She's with my wife one night, then I am with my wife the next night.
What is eating me alive is that my wife gives more attention to the new girl and not to me. I found out that they are both very in love with each other. I can hear how they have such deep conversations, how they laugh and giggle, even how they have sex.
I wanted to know if this had been going on for a while, but at the same time, I didn't want to know. So I took the new girl's phone, opened her WhatsApp, and exported their entire chat to my email. My biggest fear came true. I saw messages that hurt me. I feel so fucking broken. In one message, my wife told her that she is everything she has ever wanted in a women. They spoke about me.
Right now, as I'm typing this, I can hear them making out. I go to bed in tears every night.
My wife said she can't help who she falls in love with and that I knew what I was getting myself into.. However, I never agreed to her falling in love with someone else.
We have been together for 8 years, married for 3 years. I'm broken, confused and I don't know what to do.
My wife has been on TikTok for a few years, where she created a group to support the LGBTQ community. A few months ago, she made friends with a girl, but it quickly turned into flirting. She made it clear to this girl that she was married to me. She did respect that, but she still flirted.
I didn't know this at the time, but I could pick up that she was was talking to someone else. So my wife introduced me to this new girl. We became friends. She was having a hard time at home and on the verge of offing herself, so I jumped in and got her a bus ticket her to stay with us and start a new life.
When she got here, I could immediately feel the sexual attraction between the both of them. A week later, my wife asked if we could have a poly relationship again. I wasn't truly honest. I didn't want to, but I said yes because I wanted her to be happy.
She was happy. But again, they have fallen in love with each other. This girl only wants my wife and nothing with me. (My wife doesn't want intimacy with me because I've neglected her for so long.) So now we take turns sleeping in two rooms. She's with my wife one night, then I am with my wife the next night.
What is eating me alive is that my wife gives more attention to the new girl and not to me. I found out that they are both very in love with each other. I can hear how they have such deep conversations, how they laugh and giggle, even how they have sex.
I wanted to know if this had been going on for a while, but at the same time, I didn't want to know. So I took the new girl's phone, opened her WhatsApp, and exported their entire chat to my email. My biggest fear came true. I saw messages that hurt me. I feel so fucking broken. In one message, my wife told her that she is everything she has ever wanted in a women. They spoke about me.
Right now, as I'm typing this, I can hear them making out. I go to bed in tears every night.
My wife said she can't help who she falls in love with and that I knew what I was getting myself into.. However, I never agreed to her falling in love with someone else.
We have been together for 8 years, married for 3 years. I'm broken, confused and I don't know what to do.
Hello steff,
You certainly have a problem on your hands, what with your wife and this new girl falling in love with each other, and your wife not wanting to be intimate with you. Perhaps the worst part of this is, your wife is acting poly when you don't want poly. You don't consent to poly. You only said okay to please your wife.
Your wife is deep in NRE, and isn't going to let go of the new girl easily. However, your next step should probably be that you admit to your wife that you were dishonest about whether you consented to poly. Once she knows that, then she'll know it's unethical to keep seeing the new girl.
Don't let your wife and the new girl walk all over you. Right now they are breaking your heart. You deserve to be loved. You deserve attention and affection. Your wife isn't giving you those things. Tell her that isn't right. She is your wife. There are certain minimums when it comes to how one should treat one's spouse.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Kevin T.
You certainly have a problem on your hands, what with your wife and this new girl falling in love with each other, and your wife not wanting to be intimate with you. Perhaps the worst part of this is, your wife is acting poly when you don't want poly. You don't consent to poly. You only said okay to please your wife.
Your wife is deep in NRE, and isn't going to let go of the new girl easily. However, your next step should probably be that you admit to your wife that you were dishonest about whether you consented to poly. Once she knows that, then she'll know it's unethical to keep seeing the new girl.
Don't let your wife and the new girl walk all over you. Right now they are breaking your heart. You deserve to be loved. You deserve attention and affection. Your wife isn't giving you those things. Tell her that isn't right. She is your wife. There are certain minimums when it comes to how one should treat one's spouse.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Kevin T.
Thank you, Kevin. The thing is, when I tried to tell her, she said I was taking her happiness away.
I'm not innocent. I've put her through hell over the years with my drinking. But I've been sober and attending meetings for 3 years.
I feel like she plans these things behind my back and then I get blindsided. I helped this girl move away from home because I wanted to help. You can't just kick a person to the curb.
I have so much anger about this. My wife can see that, but she is telling me to get over myself.
Two nights ago, I was sleeping beside my wife and she was watching a series on her phone with her back to me. Last night, when it was the the new chick's turn, she was lying in her arms, making out, talking.
I feel like a ghost in my own house. I'm too scared to say anything, so I just pretend it's all OK.
I'm not innocent. I've put her through hell over the years with my drinking. But I've been sober and attending meetings for 3 years.
I feel like she plans these things behind my back and then I get blindsided. I helped this girl move away from home because I wanted to help. You can't just kick a person to the curb.
I have so much anger about this. My wife can see that, but she is telling me to get over myself.
Two nights ago, I was sleeping beside my wife and she was watching a series on her phone with her back to me. Last night, when it was the the new chick's turn, she was lying in her arms, making out, talking.
I feel like a ghost in my own house. I'm too scared to say anything, so I just pretend it's all OK.
New Relationship Energy. It's that phase where one is really smitten with their new partner.
kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?
COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com
This might resonate with you.
Did I cross boundaries when I downloaded their chat? I did it again.
My wife told her that because I haven't given her attention for so long, she doesn't want it. She literally said, "I hate it when she holds me. I feel violated." Then the girlfriend said, "Push her away and tell her you getting too hot." (We live in a place that gets fucking hot. )
G2G, chat later.
My wife told her that because I haven't given her attention for so long, she doesn't want it. She literally said, "I hate it when she holds me. I feel violated." Then the girlfriend said, "Push her away and tell her you getting too hot." (We live in a place that gets fucking hot. )
G2G, chat later.
Yes. It is unethical to steal into someone's phone. This should not be a question. You know it was wrong.
- You told your wife you were OK with her dating another person. You lied about this-- also unethical.
- You paid for the gf to come live with you when she told your wife she was going to "off" herself.
- You said you've dated polyamorously before, but you do not seem to be familiar with NRE (the infatuation phase).
You say you've put your wife through hell, by being an alcoholic for many years, and ignoring her sexual needs. You seem to feel you deserve a second chance with wife now, and you think she should want to have sex with you too, since you've been sober a few years, and presumably have your sex drive back.
It seems you were OK with your wife getting her sexual needs met elsewhere, but you drew the line at her "falling in love." However, many people fall in love when they enjoy someone's company and are having sex with them. I guess you weren't aware of this, either, despite claiming to have dated polyamorously in the past.
Are you even really okay with having an open marriage (casual sex only)? It sounds like you want to be mono, and to have your wife be mono, and devote time to healing your relationship and starting to have a fulfilling sexual relationship. Is that right? However, it sounds like wife has given up on ever having sex with you again, since she is not healed from the hard times when you were drinking and neglecting her (maybe outright abusing her). She feels "violated" when you touch her. That's pretty extreme.
But now, here you are, with wife having her gf in the house, and taking turns sleeping together. But wife is basically ignoring you on her nights with you.
What would you like to have happen now? There are red flags in your behavior. Wife went by your words and actions. You allowed her to flirt and be with gf. You even moved a suicidal person into your home. She seems happy now.
What are the options?
- Tell gf to move out. (I assume she's not working or paying rent.)
- Allow gf and wife to continue building their relationship, while your marriage gets worse and worse.
- You move out and let the other two women carry on, on your dime.
If wife dismisses your complaints by just telling you to get over yourself, what do you do? Ask her to do marriage counseling? Start divorce proceedings?
Sounds to me like your marriage has been functionally dead for quite some time. Sometimes people suggest poly when they're not quite ready yet to leave a bad relationship, hoping somehow introducing extra partners will patch up the holes. What's really happening is one partner is "monkey-branching" to her next monogamous relationship, or building up her confidence to leave, rather than truly trying to build multiple partnerships. I'm sorry you're going through this, it is painful. You should probably get out now before this eats away further at your self-esteem. Let your wife and her gf be happy, you go work on your issues and seek your happiness. Best wishes.
This was very hard to hear, because its true, you learn to face your mistakes and take ownership in AA. Yes, I did abuse her, I admit that, I would verbally abuse her, manipulate her, I would apologise and when I said I wouldn't do it again, I did....she does deserve much better. She has stood by my side even in my darkest days. She a kind person with a big heart, always helping others. I make thing worse. I feel horrible. When your in AA you have to wright down all the people you have hurt in your life. I stopped at page 12 with my wife....it kills me, I was a monster. I think iv lost her for good now...I lost her a long time ago infact.
Thank you Kevin, you were straight up and brutally honest with me. I needed to hear it even if it hurts...
I don't know what I want, I don't understand being in a poly relationship. I don't know what to do...thank you for letting me express myself, I don't have any one to talk to ...you guys are amazing
I'm glad it helped to vent. Why don't you have anyone to talk to? I assume you're still regularly going to AA meetings. There must be some people there who can relate to what you've been through and what you're going through. Marriages often (usually) end when one partner is an alcoholic. Congrats on your sobriety. It seems you're still facing the consequences.
Bobbi
Well-known member
Unfortunately, recovery needs to be worked on by both partners, your side from addiction, her side from codependency. Even then it’s hard for relationships to survive.
I was the non using partner in addiction. I too stuck by him and supported him trying to get clean and recover. By the time he did, the damage was done and cannot be undone. We are still close friends and he’s decades clean but I cannot ever be more than friends with him. I’ve tried. The damage was too deep and the scars won’t let me go there No matter how good of a man he now is. Thankfully, I did do the work to recognize and break that codependent behavior. It took a lot of work after decades of practicing it with alcoholic parents followed by addicted partners.
She has also found herself a new codependent partner in someone who has mental health issues. As you've gotten healthier, she has probably felt a bit disconnected from you as the codependent needs are reduced. It’s a really unhealthy dynamic you are in. It might be best for the marriage to end, for both of you.
Well, when you you're the life if the party and drinks are on you. then you have friends... sober up and they all disappear. Since I've been sober I am socially awkward. I can't talk to people and when I do I come across as aggressive. I apparently have a very serious face. I don't know how to interact with people anymore. I also have severe trust issues. I'm very broken hahaha. Yes I do still attend AA when I can. My work shifts are uneven. If I can't go, then I just read chapter 5 and go through my steps.
I don't want a divorce. But I have caused so much damage to her. I feel like a roommate. I'm the bread winner of the house, so I can't kick her to the curb, she also told me if she divorces me, she will take me for every thing I got, and she can, I will have to pay up to R10,000 for maintenance, she will have to stay on my medical aid for at least 5 years, she will take the car, and I must pay rent for her new place. I feel defeated and I am to blame. I hate myself for my actions. It beginning to get to a point where I don't want to anymore.
All I do is cry myself to sleep. I know I should not have gone through their messages. My anger got in the way. When I read it, I was broken... some of the things she said... I couldn't believe it...
If this is how she truly feels, then why is she still with me? I asked her that and her response was, "I love you. You do so much for me "
I'm a third wheel in this poly relationship. It's killing me.
If this is how she truly feels, then why is she still with me? I asked her that and her response was, "I love you. You do so much for me "
I'm a third wheel in this poly relationship. It's killing me.
Hi steff,
It sounds like your wife is forcing you to pretend like you consent to her poly. She is holding over your head that if you do not pretend, she will then again tell you that you are taking her happiness away.
I'm not sure how you can work around that.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
It sounds like your wife is forcing you to pretend like you consent to her poly. She is holding over your head that if you do not pretend, she will then again tell you that you are taking her happiness away.
I'm not sure how you can work around that.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
That's exactly how I feel. And that's exactly what she told me....
I'm sorry you struggle.
I mean this kindly, okay? You cannot keep going like this, so far off course and going against your own grain.
You are doing self-damage, and risking your sobriety. Please keep up your AA, talk to your sponsor, and consider a counselor to help your sort out what's going on. Internet people might help you with 1 or 2 things, but this is A LOT.
YMMV, but you could try:
for a counselor who has experience with alcoholism, divorce, and polyamory gone wrong.
It's not appropriate to just move strangers into your home, much less suicidal ones. Even if you have training to deal with suicidal patients, you don't bring them home. What you could have done, for example, is given her some bus ticket money and encouraged her to talk to someone local and get herself help, assisting in smaller, more appropriate ways that don't bring YOU problems.
But she is here now. You do not sound like you want to be involved in a cohabitating poly V. I think you could ask your metamour to move out. Or you move out. Start there. Wife is the hinge. She can visit each of you in separate homes if she wants.
Why were you not honest with your wife?
I get you did some terrible things when you were not sober. I don't know what counseling you and wife have been doing to heal all that. But having behaved poorly in the past is not a reason to keep on doing it now. It's like you're putting your wife on a pedestal, trying to "make it up to her," to your own detriment, dinging your own health and wellbeing forever. Why do that?
She's not obligated to get involved/date you just to gain access to dating your wife.
That is something you and wife have to work out, in couples counseling, perhaps.
Right now it sounds like wife is caught up in New Relationship Energy and you are in poly hell.
www.kathylabriola.com
I think you know taking other people's things and spying inside them is not ok to do. If you were scared, you could have talked to wife and just asked her if she is falling out of love with you, addressing it with the right person and addressing it directly, not sneaking into your guest's phone. You might regret inviting this homeless woman to live here, but that doesn't make it okay to snoop in all her things.
I think you could own it. Apologize for the intrusion. Promise to stay out of their personal belongings in future. And to help you stay on that track, ask them to put their devices on passcodes.
Then start having the conversations you need to have with wife. Stop putting it off. I can imagine it might be overwhelming, hard, or scary. But putting it off does what? Drags out the suffering. You can talk with a counselor's help, if that helps you get through it.
You did yourself a big disservice by agreeing to practice polyamory without knowing what it meant. It means sharing love and sex with more than one partner. You did yourself a big disservice by not being honest about not really wanting any of this.
There's no point in splitting hairs on that though, that you didn't actually want this situation. The situation is HERE. You are in a cohabitating poly V that you don't want to be in.
When all the things are hard, pick your hard, and REDUCE your stressors if you can't solve them all right away.
Have a separation if you cannot afford to go right to divorce. It takes time to organize a divorce. Seek a counselor and a lawyer.
HOW do you separate? Move out, if you can afford it. Get yourself out of this home where you cry to sleep every night, taking turns sharing your wife's bed. Make your own new home in a flat where things are peaceful. You can fall asleep in your own space and no longer have to hear them sharing sex through the wall. And you will no longer be near your meta's phone and tempted to peek.
If you cannot afford to move out yet, take the other bedroom. They can share one. You are in the other one. No swapping nights any more. Get the best noise-canceling head phones you can afford.
Do an "in-house separation" as well as you can. Depending on the laws where you live, you may want to talk to a lawyer to draw up separation agreements.
If they are not working, expect them both to get jobs.
You are not "taking wife's happiness" away. You are reducing your sadness and stress and trying to return to your core values, and to your authentic self. Wife can create her own future happiness WITHOUT it coming out of your hide. You have to be able to say, "I love you a lot. But not even for you will I do stuff I don't really want to do or stay in stuff that hurts me. That is asking too much."
Don't want to what? Are you suicidal?
Galagirl
I mean this kindly, okay? You cannot keep going like this, so far off course and going against your own grain.
You are doing self-damage, and risking your sobriety. Please keep up your AA, talk to your sponsor, and consider a counselor to help your sort out what's going on. Internet people might help you with 1 or 2 things, but this is A LOT.
YMMV, but you could try:
Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org
for a counselor who has experience with alcoholism, divorce, and polyamory gone wrong.
It's not appropriate to just move strangers into your home, much less suicidal ones. Even if you have training to deal with suicidal patients, you don't bring them home. What you could have done, for example, is given her some bus ticket money and encouraged her to talk to someone local and get herself help, assisting in smaller, more appropriate ways that don't bring YOU problems.
But she is here now. You do not sound like you want to be involved in a cohabitating poly V. I think you could ask your metamour to move out. Or you move out. Start there. Wife is the hinge. She can visit each of you in separate homes if she wants.
Why were you not honest with your wife?
I get you did some terrible things when you were not sober. I don't know what counseling you and wife have been doing to heal all that. But having behaved poorly in the past is not a reason to keep on doing it now. It's like you're putting your wife on a pedestal, trying to "make it up to her," to your own detriment, dinging your own health and wellbeing forever. Why do that?
She's not obligated to get involved/date you just to gain access to dating your wife.
That is something you and wife have to work out, in couples counseling, perhaps.
Right now it sounds like wife is caught up in New Relationship Energy and you are in poly hell.
kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?
COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com
I think you know taking other people's things and spying inside them is not ok to do. If you were scared, you could have talked to wife and just asked her if she is falling out of love with you, addressing it with the right person and addressing it directly, not sneaking into your guest's phone. You might regret inviting this homeless woman to live here, but that doesn't make it okay to snoop in all her things.
I think you could own it. Apologize for the intrusion. Promise to stay out of their personal belongings in future. And to help you stay on that track, ask them to put their devices on passcodes.
Then start having the conversations you need to have with wife. Stop putting it off. I can imagine it might be overwhelming, hard, or scary. But putting it off does what? Drags out the suffering. You can talk with a counselor's help, if that helps you get through it.
You did yourself a big disservice by agreeing to practice polyamory without knowing what it meant. It means sharing love and sex with more than one partner. You did yourself a big disservice by not being honest about not really wanting any of this.
There's no point in splitting hairs on that though, that you didn't actually want this situation. The situation is HERE. You are in a cohabitating poly V that you don't want to be in.
When all the things are hard, pick your hard, and REDUCE your stressors if you can't solve them all right away.
Have a separation if you cannot afford to go right to divorce. It takes time to organize a divorce. Seek a counselor and a lawyer.
HOW do you separate? Move out, if you can afford it. Get yourself out of this home where you cry to sleep every night, taking turns sharing your wife's bed. Make your own new home in a flat where things are peaceful. You can fall asleep in your own space and no longer have to hear them sharing sex through the wall. And you will no longer be near your meta's phone and tempted to peek.
If you cannot afford to move out yet, take the other bedroom. They can share one. You are in the other one. No swapping nights any more. Get the best noise-canceling head phones you can afford.
Do an "in-house separation" as well as you can. Depending on the laws where you live, you may want to talk to a lawyer to draw up separation agreements.
If they are not working, expect them both to get jobs.
You are not "taking wife's happiness" away. You are reducing your sadness and stress and trying to return to your core values, and to your authentic self. Wife can create her own future happiness WITHOUT it coming out of your hide. You have to be able to say, "I love you a lot. But not even for you will I do stuff I don't really want to do or stay in stuff that hurts me. That is asking too much."
Don't want to what? Are you suicidal?
Galagirl
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Guys,
How's this then? The new girl won't touch me, won't cuddle or try to get to know me. She's only happy and loveable when wife is home.
One night when the wife was sleeping, girlfriend came and asked, "If we start having sex, will she join?" I said, no she's tired. She started with me, but looking at the wife the whole time, waiting for her to wake up. She didn't wake up, so girlfriend started kissing her till she woke up and went to town with her.
When I told my wife this the next morning, she said, "I'm jealous and if she did do this, it's sick and weird." So a few days later I brought it up inform the girlfriend and wife. Girlfriend was speechless and my wife just laughed it off.
She's not into me at all.
How's this then? The new girl won't touch me, won't cuddle or try to get to know me. She's only happy and loveable when wife is home.
One night when the wife was sleeping, girlfriend came and asked, "If we start having sex, will she join?" I said, no she's tired. She started with me, but looking at the wife the whole time, waiting for her to wake up. She didn't wake up, so girlfriend started kissing her till she woke up and went to town with her.
When I told my wife this the next morning, she said, "I'm jealous and if she did do this, it's sick and weird." So a few days later I brought it up inform the girlfriend and wife. Girlfriend was speechless and my wife just laughed it off.
She's not into me at all.