I think blaming your wife's "nervous system" for the problems in your first/second opening phases is...a very generous and overly kind interpretation.
To me it looks like she was happy having other partners herself, but became unreasonably jealous and controlling as soon as you had some success with dating other people yourself.
The fact that she had no sympathy for the woman she demanded you dump and cut off all contact with...that you had to beg your wife to let you break up with this woman in person...this does not make me think highly of your wife. One can want monogamy without being cruel.
You wrote:
Interestingly, her demanding to read my texts and me refusing is what led to our first closure. She threatened to close if I did not give her my phone. I asked, "Are you fucking serious?" Then she upped the ante and said she would tell my mom and kids that I was fucking other people unless I handed over my phone. So I did. She read my texts and closed anyway.
This is abusive behavior. Not okay at all.
I can understand feeling torn about whether to end your marriage with someone you love to pursue non-monogamy on your terms. But would you actually be happy with someone who has these controlling, cruel tendencies?
It may be true that attempting polyamory simply brought out the worst in your wife because she is more suited to a more monogamous structure. Maybe this type of behavior is out of character for her.
But since you describe yourself as a people-pleaser who has spent decades in unhappy situations (an unhappy marriage and a restrictive cult), I want you to reflect on whether you are actually happy with your wife. You are so generous to her in wanting her to be happy, to have the freedom to date others when she wants to. Does she treat you as well as you treat her?
It's up to you how you live the rest of your life.
To me it looks like she was happy having other partners herself, but became unreasonably jealous and controlling as soon as you had some success with dating other people yourself.
The fact that she had no sympathy for the woman she demanded you dump and cut off all contact with...that you had to beg your wife to let you break up with this woman in person...this does not make me think highly of your wife. One can want monogamy without being cruel.
You wrote:
Interestingly, her demanding to read my texts and me refusing is what led to our first closure. She threatened to close if I did not give her my phone. I asked, "Are you fucking serious?" Then she upped the ante and said she would tell my mom and kids that I was fucking other people unless I handed over my phone. So I did. She read my texts and closed anyway.
This is abusive behavior. Not okay at all.
I can understand feeling torn about whether to end your marriage with someone you love to pursue non-monogamy on your terms. But would you actually be happy with someone who has these controlling, cruel tendencies?
It may be true that attempting polyamory simply brought out the worst in your wife because she is more suited to a more monogamous structure. Maybe this type of behavior is out of character for her.
But since you describe yourself as a people-pleaser who has spent decades in unhappy situations (an unhappy marriage and a restrictive cult), I want you to reflect on whether you are actually happy with your wife. You are so generous to her in wanting her to be happy, to have the freedom to date others when she wants to. Does she treat you as well as you treat her?
It's up to you how you live the rest of your life.