Now I have to choose between my life partner and polyamory

I think blaming your wife's "nervous system" for the problems in your first/second opening phases is...a very generous and overly kind interpretation.

To me it looks like she was happy having other partners herself, but became unreasonably jealous and controlling as soon as you had some success with dating other people yourself.

The fact that she had no sympathy for the woman she demanded you dump and cut off all contact with...that you had to beg your wife to let you break up with this woman in person...this does not make me think highly of your wife. One can want monogamy without being cruel.

You wrote:
Interestingly, her demanding to read my texts and me refusing is what led to our first closure. She threatened to close if I did not give her my phone. I asked, "Are you fucking serious?" Then she upped the ante and said she would tell my mom and kids that I was fucking other people unless I handed over my phone. So I did. She read my texts and closed anyway.

This is abusive behavior. Not okay at all.

I can understand feeling torn about whether to end your marriage with someone you love to pursue non-monogamy on your terms. But would you actually be happy with someone who has these controlling, cruel tendencies?

It may be true that attempting polyamory simply brought out the worst in your wife because she is more suited to a more monogamous structure. Maybe this type of behavior is out of character for her.

But since you describe yourself as a people-pleaser who has spent decades in unhappy situations (an unhappy marriage and a restrictive cult), I want you to reflect on whether you are actually happy with your wife. You are so generous to her in wanting her to be happy, to have the freedom to date others when she wants to. Does she treat you as well as you treat her?

It's up to you how you live the rest of your life.
 
I read your other posts on this thread and I have questions.

I've asked this question many times. Basically, she didn't like how upset I got when she closed it the second time and asked me to totally cut off my partner. She felt that I was putting the feelings of another woman above hers, and in order to feel secure she needed the power to pull the emergency break whenever she wanted. And I should be happy to return to monogamy on her whim. Any other response means I can't be trusted to put her first-- according to her.

So what matters most here are HER feelings? What about YOUR feelings? There are also your other partner's feelings. But if you oblige wife's request to dump them, and you go and dump them, they are gone. But you remain. So again... what about YOUR feelings?

And for the part in bold... why do YOU grant her this power? Vetoes are pretty much useless. It's YOU saying, "Okay, I promise that if you tell me to dump someone, I'll dump them." At any point in time you can say, "Actually, no. I've changed my mind. I won't be keeping that promise. "


As a recovering people-pleaser conditioned by 50 years of toxic monogamy, assuming that I will just comply with her ultimatum is reasonable, since that's what I've always done. But I've recently become more comfortable advocating for myself and making my needs known, setting boundaries, and not putting the burden of all of my needs onto one person - and being transparent and realistic about my capacity to meet the needs of others, rather than trying to be everything to everybody, which is what I've always done with my partners before learning about polyamory. This personal growth was only possible because of my polyamorous community, book club, and therapists who understand non-traditional relationship structures. It would be so hard to go backwards knowing what I now know.

I read how you are/were struggling with people pleasing and codependence. I wanted to lift this up in bold. See that? Interacting with other people helped you grow and possibly OUTGROW her. Maybe your struggle right now (even though unpleasant) is a sign of your improving wellness. You want to be a healthier you.

The thing is, some partners will LIKE the wonky messed-up you, and not WANT you to become healthier, because it benefits them for you to stay wonky, and/or because you getting healthier calls them to do their own growing/getting healthier work, and they don't want to do that.

The threat to her ability to control you is not the one person you developed feelings for. It's the whole "poly package" and learning that other people do NOT live like you have been living. There ARE other ways to live.


I don't think what she wants is fair to other people. When I tell her that, it only reinforces her belief that she's not my priority.

At this time, it sounds CLOSED, so why fuss extra rather than resting? Why bother telling her this? She doesn't value fairness. She values coming first in all things, no matter what.

Isn't the more important question to ask yourself, "Why am I with her if she wants unfair things from me?"

She is not and should not be your #1 priority. She can be #2, but your #1 spot you save for YOU. Even in a plane crash, you are supposed to put your own oxygen mask on first before trying to help other people. Putting yourself as your #1 is not like you being selfish. It is you doing your own self care first and not doing self neglect.

You have to be able to say "I love you a lot, but NO, not even for you am I going to do stuff I don't want, or stay in stuff that hurts me. That's asking too much of me. I need to watch out for my own well-being."

Are you more WILLING and ABLE to do that now?

Interestingly, her demanding to read my texts and me refusing is what led to our first closure. She threatened to close if I did not give her my phone. I asked, "Are you fucking serious?" Then she upped the ante and said she would tell my mom and kids that I was fucking other people unless I handed over my phone. So I did. She read my texts and closed anyway.

I've dealt in that kind of bullying. I said, "Go ahead and tell. You will learn I already told them. I ALSO told X, Y, Z in case I need character witnesses in a trial." It took the wind right out of their sails.

Since you are going to be damned if you do and damned if you don't, do whatever you please. There's a freedom in that.

There's also a freedom in being 50+ and having no fucks left to give, because life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

Galagirl
 
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It may be true that attempting polyamory simply brought out the worst in your wife because she is more suited to a more monogamous structure. Maybe this type of behavior is out of character for her.

You are very insightful. Yes, this type of behavior for her is highly out of character. She is a very kind partner. Very kind and generous to everybody. We don't have kids of our own, but she poured everything she had into my kids, even though they hated her at first because their mother (my ex) told them the divorce was her fault, etc. She's the type of person who will drop everything at any time to help somebody she hardly knows. She has dedicated her life to serving others as a human rights attorney.

The only other time I've seen her totally transform into a manipulative and cruel monster is when she used to get blackout drunk. But she quit drinking after I finally confronted her on that. That's how I know her nervous system can't handle ENM.

If she were a horrible person, I would end it just for that reason alone. But take ENM off the table and she's the person I fell in love with and married. There is part of me that is sympathetic. But there is also part of me that thinks this feels manipulative. Oh, and it gets worse...

I told her tonight that I wasn't sure if I even wanted to be married. I like to think of relationships as more fluid, as people change and circumstances change, and marriage is too final unless the couple is willing to change and adapt. She basically told me that if I leave her over this she will kill herself and that will be on me.

So now I'm the engineer holding the lever switching the tracks. The trolley is coming. On one track, my partner's life and the hundreds of people who will be negatively impacted by her death, all of whom will blame me for being a selfish bastard who drove my wife to suicide all because "I want to fuck around" (her words). On the other track is my desire to give and receive love in a way that best aligns with who I am as a person. It seems like pulling the lever and letting my needs die is the more ethical choice.


But since you describe yourself as a people-pleaser who has spent decades in unhappy situations (an unhappy marriage and a restrictive cult), I want you to reflect on whether you are actually happy with your wife. You are so generous to her in wanting her to be happy, to have the freedom to date others when she wants to.

*Recovering* people pleaser!

Does she treat you as well as you treat her?

As well or better in every area except this one. It's like she's a totally different person when it comes to ENM.
 
I told her tonight that I wasn't sure if I even wanted to be married. I like to think of relationships as more fluid as people change and circumstances change and marriage is too final unless the couple is willing to change and adapt. She basically told me that if I leave her over this she will kill herself and that will be on me.

Right now it sounds like she's tactic hopping and is trying emotional blackmail.

And no, it won't be on you. If she chooses to kill herself it would be by her hand. It is on her.

Does she need involuntary commitment? Does she have a plan? You can talk to a suicide hotline about it if you are next of kin, if that's faster than talking to your therapist. But talk to you therapist about what is going on, too.

On the other track, my desire to give and receive love in a way that best aligns with who I am as a person. It seems like pulling the lever and letting my needs die is the more ethical choice.

There's the option to walk away from the lever. You can let go of the rope.


If you still are next of kin as her spouse, you might look at involuntary commitment rules. Or you call 2nd batter up and say "I'm getting a divorce. I cannot serve as next of kin. I need to leave. So I am making you aware that you are up. Please attend to X." If there is nobody like her mom or whoever, the 2nd batter up is HER.

And you say, "Do you need a ride to the ER so you can check in?" And then you give her the lift and start divorce proceedings. You don't have to "discuss" all this stuff with her if she's all disregulated and behaving weirdly. Get her to care... then keep on with the divorce plans.

All four times I was faced with this, I told all the people trying to put their suicide on me the same thing: "No, I'm not responsible. I can't make you live. But I also am not the one killing you. You are responsible for your own self. I hope you choose to get help. I'm willing to help you get to the help -- make calls or give you a ride to hospital. But I am NOT willing to be responsible for you. If you put me in this spot again, you can expect me to contact your next of kin and report it. If you choose to do this, you can expect I will be sad, I'll go to your funeral, and then I'll keep going and keep living my life."

It's tough, but hang in there.

You were not put on this Earth to prop her up. And honestly, unmanaged mental health is a reason to break up with someone!

People can't help having things, but if they aren't going to take care of themselves and just want to suck you down with them, you don't have to keep them company in their misery!

In case you are dealing in PD... here's the list of traits.


Galagirl
 
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So what matters most here are HER feelings? What about YOUR feelings?

Is this my therapist??? lol She askes me that all the time, because any time she asked how I felt about a situation, I first talked about the feelings of everybody else involved. Again, recovering people-pleaser.

But yes, I was extremely hurt by the situation. This person was exactly the type of person I dreamed of meeting and having a relationship with, and she felt the same way about me. It was very sweet. It felt so cruel to end it like that. My wife got offended that I even brought that up. She told me that she can't trust me unless I put her first.

And for the part in bold... why do YOU grant her this power? Vetoes are pretty much useless. It's YOU saying "Okay, I promise that if you tell me to dump someone, I'll dump them." At any point in time you can say, "Actually, no. I changed my mind. I won't be keeping that promise. "

I'm pretty sure that if I had just said, "I'm sorry but I won't be doing that," she would probably end it with me and tell everyone that I'm a cheater, even though she's hooked up with more people during the marriage than I have. When I remind her of that, she says, "Yeah, but you didn't have a problem with anybody I hooked up with. But I have a problem with this person" She says stuff like this and doesn't even try to mask the unfairness of it. Oh, and the "problem" was just that she was too flirty with me and acted like we were a couple too soon for my wife's liking.

I read how you are/were struggling with people pleasing and codependence.

Maybe your struggle right now (even though unpleasant) is a sign of your improving wellness? You don't WANT to people please any more. You want to be a healthier you.

The thing is... some partners LIKE the wonky you, and don't WANT you to become healthier, because it benefits them for you to stay wonky, and/or because you getting healthier calls them to do their own growing/getting healthier work and they don't want to do it.

Wow, now you really sound like my therapist. lol Yes, I'm really trying to advocate for myself this time. I'm 51. It's time I chose me.

Are your more able to do that now?

Yes, I'd like to think so.
 
But yes, I was extremely hurt by the situation. This person was exactly the type of person I dreamed of meeting and having a relationship with and she felt the same way about me. It was very sweet. It felt so cruel to end it like that.

So why did you choose to be cruel to this person, rather than tell wife, "No, I won't be doing that," then?

Something to talk to therapist about if you haven't already about divorce, possible abuse things here, and even DARVO stuff (deny, attack, reverse victim order).


The leaving time can be a dangerous time if there's abuse. The whole revenge-y "If I can't have them, nobody can!" thing.

My wife got offended that I even brought that up. She told me that she can't trust me unless I put her first.

Your wife is losing control over you and doesn't like it.

I think the complete sentence might be "I can't trust you to do my bidding without questions any more unless you put met first like you used to. You are changing and I don't like it/it freaks me out!"

Just that there are unspoken parts. You are there. You KNOW her. Are there "unspoken things in the air?"

I'm pretty sure that if I had just said, I'm sorry but I won't be doing that - she would probably end it with me and tell everyone that I'm a cheater, even though she's hooked up with more people during the marriage than I have.

And what would happen NEXT, after the smear campaign attempt? You'd be divorced and would get to rebuild and live the second half of your life as you please. Isn't that a GOOD thing?

I know it is scary, but really, what happens in a divorce? People usually pick sides, and you get to see which ones picked you. One group was her friends and this group was yours. Her approach is DRAMATIC and LOUD-sounding, with the threats and fusspot, but in the end... how's it any different than "calmer" divorces?

In the end... you'd be FREE, and you'd know who really are your friends and who are not.


When I remind her of that, she says, "Yeah, but you didn't have a problem with anybody I hooked up with, but I have a problem with this person." She says stuff like this and doesn't even try to mask the unfairness of it.

Because in her world it ISN'T unfair, it's just how "her world" runs. You ARE the one who is "cheating" and not playing by "her world rules," when you used to! Why aren't you "playing right" any more?

You sound like you are trying to talk logic with someone who has none right now, because it's all discombobulated. Maybe she's one of the "feelings are facts" people.

Are you able to detach, step back away from her emotional storm, and not get all caught up in your own feelings cloud?

I know it's easier for me, because I'm a reader and not actually in it. It can be hard when you're in the maelstrom. But when all is said and done... isn't divorce a NORMAL thing that sometimes happens, for different reasons for each couple? But it's not unheard of, right?

And isn't feeling sad/grief/upset NORMAL in a divorce process? They are not FUN feelings, but they're NORMAL things to feel, right?

Oh, and the "problem" was just that she was too flirty with me and acted like we were a couple too soon for my wife's liking.

Okay, and WHOSE problem is that? Wife's. Explain to me how it is a problem for YOU?

YOUR problem is that you and wife have become incompatible, are probably best broken up, and she doesn't like that. So she's kicking up a great big noisy fuss to regain control over you/preserve the old dynamic you are outgrowing. That's a separate problem.


Wow, now you really sound like my therapist. lol Yes, I'm really trying to advocate for myself this time. I'm 51. It's time I chose me.

Hopefully it validates some things for you, then.

  • Could plan to drop the rope.
    • Could expect the great big noisy hurricane fuss.
    • Could take steps to protect self from "hurricane damage."
      • Could talk to your therapist first about your plan.
      • Then could talk to your lawyer and tell them you want a divorce and your spouse is likely to go vindictive. Could ask questions. They've seen it all before.
        • How can your protect yourself from her making a big money mess?
        • What are the typical revenge things spouses do? How can you protect yourself from that?
        • How can you be firm but fair and have this be done fast? Is filing in this county best or the next county over?

Then when you are done planning and ready to drop? Drop the freakin' rope. File the papers and let them be served, with you ALREADY having closed credit cards in your joint account, so she can't run up bills, and already having opened a separate banking account, and left half in joint, because it takes two people to close a joint bank account, but only takes one to take out ALL the money and leave the other with $0.

You could let the chips land where they fall.

Galagirl
 
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Why did you choose to be cruel to this person, rather than telling wife, "No, I won't be doing that," then?

I regret doing this. One important fact I unintentionally left out: initially it was only supposed to be two weeks. I thought, I can take a break from this person for two weeks if it calms my wife's nervous system down so we can get back on track. I was still thinking there was hope for us. I thought I was taking one step back so I could later take two steps forward. I should have put my foot down.

Your wife is losing control over you and doesn't like it.

I think the complete sentence is "I can't trust you to do my bidding without questions any more unless you put met first like you used to. You are changing and it freaks me out!"

Another thing unrelated to ENM happened to us during the 2nd opening. Some background...

I have 3 adult children from my first marriage and had a vasectomy immediately after #3 was born. She's 22 now (queer and poly, yay!). I was very clear with my current wife, who is 17 years younger than me, that I would not be giving her children. She was okay with that-- INITIALLY. You know where this is going. Fast forward several years, I had provided her a level of safety, security and stability that she'd always wanted. I was a loving father to my children.

Something flipped in her, and she wanted kids. I told her it wasn't happening and she cried for days. This activated my people-pleasing tendencies, and I agreed to try a reversal even though deep down I didn't want that! I went through with the procedure despite it only having a 5% chance of success. Every 3 months I would provide a semen sample and the answer was always the same: no sperm. After about 18 months the urologist told us we'd reached the end of the road.

My wife immediately wanted to start looking at alternatives, but I told her the hard truth: "I don't want (more) kids and I never did." I tried to convince myself that I did because I wanted her to be happy, but the relief I felt when the urologist said it wasn't going to happen was my body telling me the truth. That's not what I want!

So, I was very clear this time. This is the end of the road for me. I tried to be as kind and apologetic as I could about it, but she was angry and said I lied to her. Maybe I did, but I certainly didn't think I was intentionally misleading. I wanted her be happy and fulfilled, and I even underwent a painful and expensive surgery of my own volition. It was only after getting the news and feeling surprised by the degree of relief (as opposed to my wife's sadness) that I realized I was masking my true feelings to make my wife happy.

Telling her "no" was me standing up for me, and my wife hated it. She wanted to know where her "sweet husband" was. I think her closing shortly after that might have been a revenge move. "If you can't give me what I want, then I'm not giving you what you want." She denies that, but does acknowledge the connection. "You lied to me about wanting children, so how can I trust you with ENM?" even though I've always been aboveboard with it.

Then when you are done planning and ready to drop? Drop the freakin' rope. File the papers and let them be served, with you ALREADY having closed credit cards in joint so she can't run up bills, and already having made separate banking and left half in joint, because it takes two people to close a joint, but only one to take out ALL the money and leave the other one high and dry.

It might only be a matter of time. Unfortunately, we just renewed our lease for one year on an apartment that neither of us can afford by ourselves. All accounts, credit cards, insurance, etc. are already separate. We never mingles finances. We own no joint property. (I owned everything before getting married.) She is starting a new job this month and I've been trying to give her some space to get focused and hit the ground running. I'm a little unsure of the timing, but I don't see how we stay together in the long run.
 
I hope you feel a bit better telling your story. But in the end... does fussing with her actually move things along, or not?

I was very clear with my current wife, who is 17 years younger than me, that I would not be giving her children.

You were honest.

This activated my people-pleasing tendencies and I agreed to try a reversal, even though deep down I didn't want that!

Then you did people-pleaser wobble stuff.

My wife immediately wanted to start looking at alternatives, but I told the hard truth: I don't want kids and I never did. I tried to convince myself that I did because I wanted her to be happy, but the relief I felt when the urologist said it wasn't going to happen was my body telling me the truth.

Then you went back to being honest. Not as good as being honest the whole time through, but you are/were working on getting past the people pleasing. You are more willing/able to stand up for yourself at THIS point in time. So now it is more about HOW you choose to stand up for yourself, what is effective and what is not. You can pick and choose your battles.

"You lied to me about wanting children, so how can I trust you with ENM?" even though I've always been aboveboard with it.

Go with it, Dude. Do the unexpected. AGREE with her. Just to push the fast forward button and skip some stuff.

There's going to be a temptation for "the real truth" and "defending myself," but if that just keeps you stuck here and keeps things going in circles, cut your losses and just "agree" to turn down the "noise" and skip some of the weird.

"Yes, my ears are operational. I heard you say you can't trust me with ENM." Think whatever in orange and keep it to yourself. Say the black parts out loud. She can take it how she likes it.

Grey rock. Do whatever tools.

Keep YOUR focus on leaving, even if she's all over the place with her emotions and not being logical. She's still back there on ENM, while you are over here on not wanting to be married anymore. Well... it's moot, right? In a divorce she doesn't have to ENM with you, so it doesn't matter if she trusts you or not!

You do not have to JADE-- justify, argue, defend, or explain. Or rehash old stuff. It sucks up time and energy, and for what? More damned if you do/damned if you don't stuff?

Save your time and energy, since you are "damned" anyway. Rest more. And spend your time/energy in moving divorce proceedings along.

It's YOUR time. YOUR energy. YOU pick how you want to spend it.

Doing circle conversations is blah.


Don't try to "process" with her. If you want to process stuff, do it with your therapist instead.

Galagirl
 
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It might only be a matter of time. Unfortunately we just renewed our lease for on year on an apartment that neither of us can afford by ourselves. All accounts, credit cards, insurance, etc. are already separate. We never mingle finances. We own no joint property. (I owned everything before getting married.) She is starting a new job this month, and I've been trying to give her some space to get focused and hit the ground running. I'm a little unsure of the timing, but I don't see how we stay together in the long run.

Since little was ever mixed, it's simpler to split. There's just the flat.

You could look into sublet/roommate-finding services, and pay the fee to break the lease early, or the fee to let one of you out and put a new roomie on the remainder.

And even doing nothing still moves it along -- because the lease will run out. You keep doing nothing about it and you just don't sign a new lease renewal.

That's actually pretty good, all things considered. You have a year to plan where to live next year.

Galagirl
 
When OP said he "likes" the energy of new relationships, I read it as "I *like* the energy," as opposed to "I dislike the energy or don't want it," not "I find NRE thrilling," like an adrenaline junky. It didn't sound to me like it was about "the chase." For the wife it is about "the chase," though.

Personally, I think they should be totally open, with no rules or restrictions except for the usual safer-sex ones, etc., or be totally closed and not even play with other people at sex parties. (They can still go to them if they want and play only with each other.)

But this won't solve the problem of the wife threatening to tell people that OP is fucking other people as if he's cheating and she isn't doing the same thing. That's just manipulative and evil, and it proves that she cannot be trusted.
If you say "I like the energy of new relationships," that can pretty much only be read as saying that you enjoy when relationships are new. I'm not saying that OP does feel that way, but that's what he is/was communicating to his wife, which would seem disingenuous when he's obviously trying to build whole long-term relationships with other people.

There's nothing wrong with enjoying meeting new people and the "chase," at all. It's just that the OP doesn't want that, so the "new relationships" thing is moot. It's the kind of thing people say when they don't want to freak out their long-term partner with the reality that they want another spouse.
 
Can I ask some questions about your wife. You say she's 17 years younger than you. How old was she when you got together?

Is she educated? Does she work? Is she financially dependent on you?

Does she have a good support network of friends and family? Did she have one when you met?

You see, if, IF, this were someone who was really quite young when she met an older divorced guy with 3 kids, made a decision to nest with said guy and a huge decision to sacrifice kids, she is financially dependent and uneducated, with little support network, then it's not surprising she would be in a crisis if this piece of stability were ripped away.

It's never okay to threaten suicide. It's abusive. But things aren't always as simple as they seem.
 
He was 40/41ish making her 23/24ish.

She thinks choosing the pre-existing marriage should be the clear and obvious choice (which is ironic, since I was still married to my first wife when I met her).
And he wasn't divorced.

So she's about 33 now and if he calls it quits with her she can go find a mono guy to have babies with, and occasionally do a stag/vixen thing.
 
33 isn't young anymore.

I left my significant ex at that age. Realised I'd wasted a few years and should have left sooner.

Now I actively design the life I want.

I understand in a country with no real social welfare, leaving has extra challenges if she isn't working, but I believe there's alimony instead of government support?

New social networks can be formed if necessary.
 
33 isn't young anymore.

I left my significant ex at that age. Realised I'd wasted a few years and should have left sooner.

Now I actively design the life I want.

I understand in a country with no real social welfare, leaving has extra challenges if she isn't working, but I believe there's alimony instead of government support?

New social networks can be formed if necessary.
It depends. Worst case scenario was that they met when she was early 20s, no support network, and hasn't developed educational or career opportunities along the way. So she was encouraged as a young, vulnerable woman to become dependent on a significantly older man who is now wanting to leave her to be polyamorous.

Yes she is "young enough" to recover from that, but in that worst case scenario, one has to ask oneself if she should have ever been put in that position in the first place. And that kind of experience makes it much harder to form new networks and trust new people. It's hard enough for adults to make new friends without that baggage.


Again, we don't know it is that bad for the woman in question here, but we do know that she was in her early 20s when she met a man quite a bit older and in a very different stage of life. That alone creates a power difference that provides a specific context for this relationship.
 
@SEASONEDpolyAgain
@Evie

Here are some facts that might provide context:

When we met, I was already in divorce proceedings with my first wife, but it wasn't final.

I was 42 and she was 24. I already had my own apartment.

She had a college degree, but also some criminal history.

She has a large network of friends and a very large and extensive family. I lost all of my friends during my divorce because I was also married to a religious cult and walked away from the church.

She was working as stripper on the side because she had some legal bills to pay off. Fun fact: the first time I ever went to a strip club was to see her last performance. I never told her she had to quit for me, but once we moved in together she didn't really need the money anymore.

She was only the second person I had slept with and there was no overlap with my first wife.

We met at work. No, I was not her boss, totally different departments.

She wanted to become a lawyer and I supported her during law school so she could take unpaid internships. Now she is a successful human rights attorney in NYC.

I am white and straight, with all the typical privileges. She is queer, not white, with history of family trauma, poverty and abusive relationships.

We were two totally different people in two totally different stages of life. She needed my stability, security and safety. I needed her carefree attitude, sex positivity and energy.

I believe our needs overlapped very well and the last 9 years were magical. But we never stopped growing. Our trajectories continued. Now she wants traditional family values, white picket fence in the suburbs, kids, pets, the whole American family dream. I've already lived that life and I want less structure and less certainty, more excitement and possibilities. We were two ships passing in the night.

I'm now 51, she's 34. She has plenty of time for the life she wants. I'm running out of time.

She is the one with a huge friend network. If we divorce, she will still have that. I will be the one starting from scratch. Moreover, my small network of friends and family will most likely not accept polyamory as a valid reason to end a marriage that everyone thinks is great. My partner will tell everyone I left to fuck other women, which is disingenuous, because if it were just fucking she would be OK with it. And she has slept with more people during the marriage then I have, even one person she shouldn't have slept with because they were not open and were cheating on their long-term partner with her.

Even though I want out, it's a very difficult decision with very real and irreversible consequences.

I hope that helps with the context.
 
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Also, when we met, I had only been in one monogamous relationship, was getting divorced and ready to have some fun.

She had slept with 60-70 people and was ready to settle down. I didn't intend to fall in love with and settle down with the first person I slept with after separating from my wife of 20 years, but that's what happened.

Then I started to regret doing that. Sitting at home alone while she was out dating women and coming home all giddy and full of NRE excitement really made me regret settling down, especially when it seemed like she wasn't settling down. That's when I asked to open up and she agreed.

During the time we spent in an open relationship, I felt like I'd finally gotten some freedom to make and nurture connections of all types, even sexual connections, if I wanted. I finally felt free to explore a side of me that I'd had to suppress my whole life. When my partner was supporting me, it was probably the most satisfied I've ever been. I finally felt like I was living the dream. Then she started vetoing everything, and melting down as I was leaving for dates. It got to the point where I could only plan dates on nights she was on a date, so she would be distracted and not freak out. Then she stopped dating and it was just me going out maybe once a week. That was too much. I get it.
 
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