latebloomer
New member
It feels like an impossible situation.
My partner and I have been together almost 10 years, married for 5. No children. We were non-monogamous for about 16 months and it was the most alive and happy I've ever felt. My wife also seemed to enjoy it. She hit the ground running, exploring BDSM and other kinks that she had always been curious about, and seemed to have no problem dating multiple people (men and women) and hitting sex parties, while I was still at home in the "scrolling and liking" phase. I was surprised how quickly she embraced it and how much she supported me trying keep up with her. Eventually I had a few partners too, and we were both in a groove. It was magical.
Despite all the sex we were having with new and interesting people, we somehow managed to have more sex with each other than we had been having previously. Being with other people also reminded us about the things we had lost in the routine of monogamy, like long make-out sessions. To be honest, I had totally forgotten how fun those were until I started having them again with new partners. We were learning new things about ourselves that were spicing up our life and we probably spent more time talking and checking in with each other than we ever have before. I really thought we had reached new levels in our relationship.
Then, about 8 months into our CNM journey, my wife got into a bit of seasonal depression, there was genocide happening which we were protesting regularly, and her work as a human rights attorney was starting to become emotionally draining. Her capacity to regulate her nervous system while I was on dates started to diminish, and I found myself having to text and call her more frequently when I was out. Given how enthusiastic she was at the beginning, I was probably too slow in recognizing her growing discomfort. I was just getting my footing and feeling good! Not being on the same page in terms of pace and enthusiasm led to some regular arguments, and she eventually asked for a break after searching through my phone and seeing how much I was texting my partners and how cute and flirty we were being. She knew I was doing it, and sometimes I would read her things I thought were cute or flattering, but seeing the volume of it for herself just triggered something in her and she needed to take a step back.
The break lasted about 3 months. We kept in touch with our partners during that time and we even hooked up with some couples that we had already been talking to before pausing our Feeld accounts - but no solo play during the break. She needed time to reset her nervous system. I was disappointed, but I knew this was a marathon, not a sprint. We had a whirlwind summer and probably got in a little over heads, which is easy to do in NYC because there is a such huge ENM community and so many beautiful and amazing people and events.
About 3 months after opening things back up, I matched with somebody who I really liked, who really liked me. We were sweethearts. Unlike my previous connections, which were fun FWB situations, this new connection had the potential to be more. After the first few weeks, when it became obvious how strong our chemistry was, my wife started putting limits on our texting and dating. She wanted to limit dates to every other week and limit texting to only what was necessary to plan dates, no daily checking in and and nothing cute, flirty or affectionate. It was clear that her nervous system was still triggered, so I tried my best to comply, even though her requests totally went against my nature and how I enjoy connecting with people.
After about 2 months of this, my wife asked me to cut this person off totally. No contact. Unfollow on Instagram. Block. Delete. She wanted me to do it without warning and I had to fight for "permission" to have an after-work "date" so I could break the news to her in person as gently as possible. My new partner cried and said she knew it was too good to be true. I felt terrible. It was a truly horrible thing to be forced to do. I've never enjoyed breaking up with people, but at least it was always my choice. This was not my choice, which made it even worse and made me resent my wife, if I'm being honest. She didn't mind me keeping my FWBs, as long as the benefits were not happening, so it was really only no-contact with this one partner - the one I had the most chemistry with (and also the only one she hadn't met yet).
That was 4 months ago, and through many discussions and lots of therapy, we've both come to the conclusion that we will never be able to have an open marriage again. My wife will only accept a monogamous relationship with occasional solo one-offs and group play. She likes monogamish. No dating. No poly. That's her boundary. If I insist on being open to dating and deeper connections, she will not be able to stay in the relationship. She couldn't be more clear about this.
Unfortunately, I learned something about myself during this last year that will be very difficult to walk away from. Everything about CNM resonates with me. I feel like this is how I should have been living my life all along, but never had the opportunity to do so. My development as a fully-functioning sex-positive adult was already stunted from being raised in a struct religious cult, getting married at 21 as a virgin, and staying in that toxic situation for 20 years before walking away from the church and all of my friends and family. I felt cheated for staying in that cult until I was 40, and now I feel cheated for only discovering polyamory shortly after I turned 50. Now I feel like time is running out for me to freely embrace this new way of building and sustaining connections with people. As amazing as my wife is, I just don't think I can be happy returning to monogamy. And I say that knowing that I might not ever find a partner as amazing her.
So now I have a choice that I have to make. I can't avoid it. I either walk away from non-monogamy, and forget about all the work I've done over the last year to unlearn toxic monogamy conditioning - OR - I continue this journey without my partner of 10 years.
The fact that I'm even taking a few months to consider this is very hurtful to my wife. She thinks non-monogamy has ruined our marriage, but I keep reminding her how beautiful it was and that the problems only started when she insisted that we abruptly return to monogamy and cut off the partners who had invested time and energy into us. She thinks choosing the pre-existing marriage should be the clear and obvious choice (which is ironic, since I was still married to my first wife when I met her). As a recovering people-pleaser conditioned by 50 years of toxic monogamy, assuming that I will just comply with her ultimatum is reasonable, since that's what I've always done. But I've recently become more comfortable advocating for myself and making my needs known, setting boundaries, and not putting the burden of all of my needs onto one person - and being transparent and realistic about my capacity to meet the needs of others, rather than trying to be everything to everybody, which is what I've always done with my partners before learning about polyamory. This personal growth was only possible because of my polyamorous community, book club, and therapists who understand non-traditional relationship structures. It would be so hard to go backwards knowing what I now know.
I'm not asking for advice on what to do. I know this is something I need to figure out. But I would like to hear from anybody who is or has been in a similar situation and what sort of things they had to consider when making this choice - and how it turned out! I'm looking forward to hearing from folks. Thanks for listening!
My partner and I have been together almost 10 years, married for 5. No children. We were non-monogamous for about 16 months and it was the most alive and happy I've ever felt. My wife also seemed to enjoy it. She hit the ground running, exploring BDSM and other kinks that she had always been curious about, and seemed to have no problem dating multiple people (men and women) and hitting sex parties, while I was still at home in the "scrolling and liking" phase. I was surprised how quickly she embraced it and how much she supported me trying keep up with her. Eventually I had a few partners too, and we were both in a groove. It was magical.
Despite all the sex we were having with new and interesting people, we somehow managed to have more sex with each other than we had been having previously. Being with other people also reminded us about the things we had lost in the routine of monogamy, like long make-out sessions. To be honest, I had totally forgotten how fun those were until I started having them again with new partners. We were learning new things about ourselves that were spicing up our life and we probably spent more time talking and checking in with each other than we ever have before. I really thought we had reached new levels in our relationship.
Then, about 8 months into our CNM journey, my wife got into a bit of seasonal depression, there was genocide happening which we were protesting regularly, and her work as a human rights attorney was starting to become emotionally draining. Her capacity to regulate her nervous system while I was on dates started to diminish, and I found myself having to text and call her more frequently when I was out. Given how enthusiastic she was at the beginning, I was probably too slow in recognizing her growing discomfort. I was just getting my footing and feeling good! Not being on the same page in terms of pace and enthusiasm led to some regular arguments, and she eventually asked for a break after searching through my phone and seeing how much I was texting my partners and how cute and flirty we were being. She knew I was doing it, and sometimes I would read her things I thought were cute or flattering, but seeing the volume of it for herself just triggered something in her and she needed to take a step back.
The break lasted about 3 months. We kept in touch with our partners during that time and we even hooked up with some couples that we had already been talking to before pausing our Feeld accounts - but no solo play during the break. She needed time to reset her nervous system. I was disappointed, but I knew this was a marathon, not a sprint. We had a whirlwind summer and probably got in a little over heads, which is easy to do in NYC because there is a such huge ENM community and so many beautiful and amazing people and events.
About 3 months after opening things back up, I matched with somebody who I really liked, who really liked me. We were sweethearts. Unlike my previous connections, which were fun FWB situations, this new connection had the potential to be more. After the first few weeks, when it became obvious how strong our chemistry was, my wife started putting limits on our texting and dating. She wanted to limit dates to every other week and limit texting to only what was necessary to plan dates, no daily checking in and and nothing cute, flirty or affectionate. It was clear that her nervous system was still triggered, so I tried my best to comply, even though her requests totally went against my nature and how I enjoy connecting with people.
After about 2 months of this, my wife asked me to cut this person off totally. No contact. Unfollow on Instagram. Block. Delete. She wanted me to do it without warning and I had to fight for "permission" to have an after-work "date" so I could break the news to her in person as gently as possible. My new partner cried and said she knew it was too good to be true. I felt terrible. It was a truly horrible thing to be forced to do. I've never enjoyed breaking up with people, but at least it was always my choice. This was not my choice, which made it even worse and made me resent my wife, if I'm being honest. She didn't mind me keeping my FWBs, as long as the benefits were not happening, so it was really only no-contact with this one partner - the one I had the most chemistry with (and also the only one she hadn't met yet).
That was 4 months ago, and through many discussions and lots of therapy, we've both come to the conclusion that we will never be able to have an open marriage again. My wife will only accept a monogamous relationship with occasional solo one-offs and group play. She likes monogamish. No dating. No poly. That's her boundary. If I insist on being open to dating and deeper connections, she will not be able to stay in the relationship. She couldn't be more clear about this.
Unfortunately, I learned something about myself during this last year that will be very difficult to walk away from. Everything about CNM resonates with me. I feel like this is how I should have been living my life all along, but never had the opportunity to do so. My development as a fully-functioning sex-positive adult was already stunted from being raised in a struct religious cult, getting married at 21 as a virgin, and staying in that toxic situation for 20 years before walking away from the church and all of my friends and family. I felt cheated for staying in that cult until I was 40, and now I feel cheated for only discovering polyamory shortly after I turned 50. Now I feel like time is running out for me to freely embrace this new way of building and sustaining connections with people. As amazing as my wife is, I just don't think I can be happy returning to monogamy. And I say that knowing that I might not ever find a partner as amazing her.
So now I have a choice that I have to make. I can't avoid it. I either walk away from non-monogamy, and forget about all the work I've done over the last year to unlearn toxic monogamy conditioning - OR - I continue this journey without my partner of 10 years.
The fact that I'm even taking a few months to consider this is very hurtful to my wife. She thinks non-monogamy has ruined our marriage, but I keep reminding her how beautiful it was and that the problems only started when she insisted that we abruptly return to monogamy and cut off the partners who had invested time and energy into us. She thinks choosing the pre-existing marriage should be the clear and obvious choice (which is ironic, since I was still married to my first wife when I met her). As a recovering people-pleaser conditioned by 50 years of toxic monogamy, assuming that I will just comply with her ultimatum is reasonable, since that's what I've always done. But I've recently become more comfortable advocating for myself and making my needs known, setting boundaries, and not putting the burden of all of my needs onto one person - and being transparent and realistic about my capacity to meet the needs of others, rather than trying to be everything to everybody, which is what I've always done with my partners before learning about polyamory. This personal growth was only possible because of my polyamorous community, book club, and therapists who understand non-traditional relationship structures. It would be so hard to go backwards knowing what I now know.
I'm not asking for advice on what to do. I know this is something I need to figure out. But I would like to hear from anybody who is or has been in a similar situation and what sort of things they had to consider when making this choice - and how it turned out! I'm looking forward to hearing from folks. Thanks for listening!
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