Now I have to choose between my life partner and polyamory
- Thread starter latebloomer
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SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
I'm glad she isn't totally dependent on you. That's suffocating for everyone
Sorry I'm late to the thread. You state your case very clearly. (Any lawyer could see that. 
)
Unlike others, I don't have a problem with age-gap relationships. I don't think one has to be the exact same age as one's partner to be compatible in many ways. I don't think you'd be a monster for leaving a 30+ year old, educated, gainfully employed woman who wants kids and casual secondary relationships to pursue what you want now, multiple full loving adult relationships. You two are currently incompatible. Staying for her benefit would make you miserable. It would be soul-killing, and you're done sacrificing your soul for others.
She's being totally manipulative to threaten suicide when you say you need other things, and she wants something else, and you'd both be better off going for what you each want.
I was only 17 when my first serious bf (who was 24) threatened me with his suicide if I left him. I actually found that repulsive, that he'd be that dependent on me, not even a legal adult, for his happiness. A couple years later, I passed him on the street in the city where I was going to college. He was walking with a pretty woman on either side of him. He didn't notice me. He looked extremely happy, not dead. lol
Also, she's threatening to tell YOUR PARENTS that you've cheated on her? What? They're in their 70s or older? lol And your young adult children are launched, probably living their own lives, caught up in their own issues, and won't give much of a shit what Dad does. (Mine were 16, 19 and 21 when I divorced. I won't say there wasn't an adjustment period, as they weren't fully launched, but it was what it was.)
By the way, congrats on getting out of the cult when you did. Ugh, one of the things I hate most in the world is high-control religious groups. They have done as much damage as wars in our world.
As for starting over in your 50s, I did that. I left a 30-year relationship/marriage when we'd grown apart. I even stayed with him 10 years longer than I should have, for reasons (partly "for the kids"). I must say, my decision was much much better for us both. He has a mono wife now, and I have a poly life, with currently, two fantastic long-term life partners.
)Unlike others, I don't have a problem with age-gap relationships. I don't think one has to be the exact same age as one's partner to be compatible in many ways. I don't think you'd be a monster for leaving a 30+ year old, educated, gainfully employed woman who wants kids and casual secondary relationships to pursue what you want now, multiple full loving adult relationships. You two are currently incompatible. Staying for her benefit would make you miserable. It would be soul-killing, and you're done sacrificing your soul for others.
She's being totally manipulative to threaten suicide when you say you need other things, and she wants something else, and you'd both be better off going for what you each want.
I was only 17 when my first serious bf (who was 24) threatened me with his suicide if I left him. I actually found that repulsive, that he'd be that dependent on me, not even a legal adult, for his happiness. A couple years later, I passed him on the street in the city where I was going to college. He was walking with a pretty woman on either side of him. He didn't notice me. He looked extremely happy, not dead. lol
Also, she's threatening to tell YOUR PARENTS that you've cheated on her? What? They're in their 70s or older? lol And your young adult children are launched, probably living their own lives, caught up in their own issues, and won't give much of a shit what Dad does. (Mine were 16, 19 and 21 when I divorced. I won't say there wasn't an adjustment period, as they weren't fully launched, but it was what it was.)
By the way, congrats on getting out of the cult when you did. Ugh, one of the things I hate most in the world is high-control religious groups. They have done as much damage as wars in our world.
As for starting over in your 50s, I did that. I left a 30-year relationship/marriage when we'd grown apart. I even stayed with him 10 years longer than I should have, for reasons (partly "for the kids"). I must say, my decision was much much better for us both. He has a mono wife now, and I have a poly life, with currently, two fantastic long-term life partners.
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
Just to be clear, a relationship like this isn't just an age gap relationship. It's a relationship between a significantly older married man and a young adult who was just about half of his age.
It's these things that meant at the point of meeting, there was a substantial power imbalance between the OP and this young woman. However, it seems like she has managed to gain some power through a career and education since that point.
It isn't about staying in a failing relationship. It's about prioritising their independent stability over forming new relationships. These things aren't as ethically relevant when you start a relationship with someone who isn't significantly less advantaged than you are.
latebloomer
New member
I appreciate this different perspective. Can you expand on this a little bit? I feel like you have more to say and are only scratching the surface.
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SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
It's barely relevant to you as you lay out some facts like her career, etc. It would be somewhat different if she'd spent these 10+ years as your stay-at-home wife and had little means of independent income.
Anecdotally, people who threaten their partners with suicide if a breakup occurs, in what I've seen, usually aren't really serious about attempting suicide. It's a manipulation tactic.
(And sadly, people who do die by suicide often do not give any such clear indications of their intent).
Your wife is a working lawyer, which you had mentioned in your earlier posts. You don't need to worry that you are abandoning someone who sacrificed her career for your marriage. It sounds like your marriage helped her complete her education and develop a career.
I actually think your backstory as a sheltered victim of religious brainwashing balances out the age gap between you and your wife (at least at the time when you first met). Clearly you had both been through some trauma and helped each other with the next phases in your lives.
It is okay to leave to pursue the life you want. Your wife will be okay. If she truly wants children, now is her chance to find a partner to have children with.
(And sadly, people who do die by suicide often do not give any such clear indications of their intent).
Your wife is a working lawyer, which you had mentioned in your earlier posts. You don't need to worry that you are abandoning someone who sacrificed her career for your marriage. It sounds like your marriage helped her complete her education and develop a career.
I actually think your backstory as a sheltered victim of religious brainwashing balances out the age gap between you and your wife (at least at the time when you first met). Clearly you had both been through some trauma and helped each other with the next phases in your lives.
It is okay to leave to pursue the life you want. Your wife will be okay. If she truly wants children, now is her chance to find a partner to have children with.
I was gonna say that too but I decided to wait for someone else to do it.
Or to find a sperm donor and have children on her own.
Hello latebloomer,
There isn't much for me to say here, that hasn't already been said. However I thought I'd cast my vote for you to get a divorce, which I believe would be the most beneficial thing for both you and your wife. The most glaring complication is her suicide threat, but as the others have said there are things you can do about that. You should also get your therapist's advice about how to handle that. And before filing for divorce, you should get a divorce attorney. Explain to them all of what has gone down so far, and get their input on how you can/should proceed. As for your wife's threat to subject you to a smear campaign, I say let her do it. You said you have a small friends/family group, so you don't have a lot to lose there. And anyone who was a true friend would come to you and get your side of the story, not just take your wife at her word.
Just my take on the matter,
Kevin T.
There isn't much for me to say here, that hasn't already been said. However I thought I'd cast my vote for you to get a divorce, which I believe would be the most beneficial thing for both you and your wife. The most glaring complication is her suicide threat, but as the others have said there are things you can do about that. You should also get your therapist's advice about how to handle that. And before filing for divorce, you should get a divorce attorney. Explain to them all of what has gone down so far, and get their input on how you can/should proceed. As for your wife's threat to subject you to a smear campaign, I say let her do it. You said you have a small friends/family group, so you don't have a lot to lose there. And anyone who was a true friend would come to you and get your side of the story, not just take your wife at her word.
Just my take on the matter,
Kevin T.
bradmagicspace
New member
Interesting, yes if you are in an open relationship, both parties should be experiencing a wonderful time, I don't see how, the mismanagement of making sure both parties was getting what they want came about, 
I have been in the same situation as your wife. It's hard for both sides. I insisted that my husband break up with his long-term girlfriend because, over time, it became too much for me to handle. We realised we had different expectations regarding open marriage, even though we thought we had been on the same page for a long time. They broke up, and it deeply hurt all three of us. I never want to be in the same situation again. After a few years, he developed another long-term relationship (this guy just can't have casual sex). It developed more slowly and with more wisdom and experience on both sides. I'm a good friend with his new partner, even though it took us a few years. It took work on all sides, but I love where the three of us are right now.
latebloomer
New member
Wow thanks for sharing that. What types of connections do you enjoy from an open marriage? The only time I really had full autonomy in my own dating was when my wife was seeing somebody consistently and enjoying it, but that ended when the other person wanted more than casual amd wouldn't settle for less.
latebloomer
New member
I'm also curious if it was agreed to ahead of time that outside relationships would only be casual? I can understand you feeling the way you did if that was the agreement and your husband took it too far. What was the agreement the second time? Was is still casual only but due to how slow and intentional things were you warmed up to the idea of something more?
MoPoly
Active member
I empathise with the suicide threats. The day I finally decided to leave my first husband was when my then 6-year old said, “Mum, Mum you’ve got to do something. Dad is going to kill himself again.” It was the ‘again’ that pierced my heart and brought me to my senses. I got the hell out of there. Needless to say, 30 years later, he is still very much alive and happy with another wife.
I remember how scary it was to be constantly made ‘responsible’ for whether he lived or died. But I was very young then-- a lot younger than your wife-- and knew nothing about healthy relationships. Eventually he was diagnosed with a severe personality disorder with psychotic episodes. I'd thought he was ‘creative.' Fast forward a lifetime, I know better and would never ever be held hostage in that way again, nor entertain any sort of manipulative behaviour.
I feel for your wife, in that she’s obviously not coping, although that never excuses coercive abusive behaviour. But you have grown and are on a different page, much more mature now, and you have to be true to who you are and your authentic self. The two of you are just too far apart on how you want your relationships to be, both within and outside the marriage.
It does sound like the best option is to take action with a quick, clear-cut and clean divorce. Prevaricating and dragging it out is going to inflame things even more and make it hard not to be messy. For both your sakes. Best of luck.
I remember how scary it was to be constantly made ‘responsible’ for whether he lived or died. But I was very young then-- a lot younger than your wife-- and knew nothing about healthy relationships. Eventually he was diagnosed with a severe personality disorder with psychotic episodes. I'd thought he was ‘creative.' Fast forward a lifetime, I know better and would never ever be held hostage in that way again, nor entertain any sort of manipulative behaviour.
I feel for your wife, in that she’s obviously not coping, although that never excuses coercive abusive behaviour. But you have grown and are on a different page, much more mature now, and you have to be true to who you are and your authentic self. The two of you are just too far apart on how you want your relationships to be, both within and outside the marriage.
It does sound like the best option is to take action with a quick, clear-cut and clean divorce. Prevaricating and dragging it out is going to inflame things even more and make it hard not to be messy. For both your sakes. Best of luck.
latebloomer
New member
I agree in principle with everything you said. It's just so hard to go through with it, especially when she seems to be taking steps to deal with her behavior (i.e., therapy, antidepressants, making efforts to not get triggered when I'm out with friends, or with other women who are only platonic friends).
I raised the issue with our couples' therapist and he is going to start making this the focus of our biweekly therapy sessions. (This Friday is our next session.)
My wife is now saying she wants me to be happy, and is willing to re-open the marriage if I can promise to keep my relationships casual, which is an impossible thing to achieve unless you throw away all your best connections and only focus on the people you feel ambivalent towards. So, as much as I want to compromise and keep the marriage together, I fear we will repeat the same cycle and be right back where we are now. Part of me wants to take a chance on that, but part of me wants to just end it now and avoid the inevitable.
It might be "too little too late" for you. It could be a last ditch effort to keep you here and avoid divorce, because what stopped her from doing this work BEFORE?
You've done this cycle before. It's up to you how to handle it and decide if you want to do it again.
It's also ok to vote "no confidence" and decide to divorce as peacefully as possible, under the circumstances, and NOT try it again.
GG
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