One-Dick Fantasies

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poiyt

New member
I am loving reading this board. I'm so glad I found this place, and only wish I had found it sooner!

I was reading through the jealousy-envy thread, and someone posted about her husband not allowing her to have a boyfriend, but she could have a girlfriend... another poster called this a one-dick fantasy. I've realized this is my dh, and I think it bothers me more than I let on, so I was hoping to get your thoughts on it.

We are in a FFM triad. DH and I are legally married, but DW (if I had to name a primary or default) would be it. We are a newish triad (6 months-ish), and all live together. DW still maintains a relationship with her DH who does not live with us. Her DH has expressed deep feelings for me for months now, and I have only just begun to realize that I, too, have feelings for him.

Since opening my mind to poly fully, I have wanted to explore, for lack of a better term. I'm not saying, at all, that I would go out and date or sleep with everyone, but I'd like to be able to open my heart to the possibility. DH has forbidden me, and in fact told me it would be a relationship-ender for him, if I were to be with another man. In fact, he doesn't really like that DW is still with her husband (though they haven't had sex in months, partially because of my dh's negative opinions or reactions if they do).

I feel he is very confining, whereas I would like the option to explore.

Thoughts?
 
I have a lot of thoughts-none of which are very nice. Here is the issue for me... My understanding of polyamory is that it's about having (and accepting) multiple loves.

Okay, so what is love?

This has been argued to death on the board, and I already know that many people here don't agree with my definition. But I'm not in your relationship, so my definition isn't pertinent.

By your definition of loving someone, is it loving to have double standards? Really, that's the question, yes? For me the answer is no. For some the answer may be "maybe", others still may say "yes." Personally, I don't think that there is anything loving about a double standard. It's selfish, self-centered, self-serving. This is one of the primary reasons why people think that polyamory is just another word for "man with no respect for women who wants to fuck whoever he feels like with no consequences." Which makes a really shitty situation for those of us who really practice a fully loving, compersion-filled polyamory.
 
I see polyamory as simply the ability to love more than one, not that it is about having multiple loves.

It's a matter of criteria as far as the one-dick fantasy goes. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship that involves more than one dick, then that is his criteria to share himself in that way. It's not a double standard unless he gets to have more than one pussy.

If she requires more than one dick, and he can't accept this, than he doesn't meet her criteria to be in a relationship, and she does not meet his.

If people don't meet each others criteria, they move on. Simple and plain. I don't see what the huge struggle is sometimes. You either fit each other's criteria, or you don't.
 
Okay. I just reread the OP. He has a double standard. Boo double standard. YAY BEER!
 
It's great you're advocating for your needs. Good for you.

It seems to me that your man likes his harem and doesn't want any other man in on it. It's rather caveman-ish and disrespectful to women, I think. I know you love him and want him to be happy, but I would suggest that eventually this could wear very thin and you'll up feeling resentful. There is no sustainable balance, as far as I can tell, in demanding that you do what anyone says. If he wants his cake and to eat it too, so should you, and so should your female partner. Why shouldn't either of you pursue other men if you want to? It's your right to have your needs met as much as it's his.

I like what Mono said about "having multiple loves." No one owns the rights to you. Polyamory certainly isn't about ownership.

I also agree with what LR says about those of us who work our ass off on our stuff.

One-penis policies perpetuate a stereotype that polyamorous men are really polygynists. There is a difference. Please stand firm and don't let that happen, for your sake, and for polyamorous women everywhere.
 
redpepper said:
If he wants his cake and to eat it too, so should you, and so should your female partner. Why shouldn't either of you pursue other men if you want to? It's your right to have your needs met as much as it's his.
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Exactly. I would think that if someone were truly poly, there would be a greater understanding towards gender neutrality when accepting your partner's interests. Otherwise it does seem like harem building, to me, although I'm sure it is completely okay for some people, either male or female, as the roles could be reversed. This sounds like getting all the cake without having to do the baking; dessert without work, so to speak.
 
Just so you know, if either of you women are into the one-dick thing, then there's no problem. You are happy, he is happy, it's all good. But it sounds like you aren't, and she probably isn't, either. Therefore, there is some work to do. He has to realize that if he gets to have what he wants, then he has to be willing to let go of what he thinks is his right and privilege, and deal with his feelings on this one.
 
I agree with these guys.

There is absolutely no reason, other than selfish insecurity, for your husband to get two pussies when you only get one cock. You and the girlfriend are not a harem, and he is not a sultan. So why should you be treated that way?

My thoughts on this are to confront him and lay it down. If he gets to have two girlfriends, then you get to have two boyfriends. If you're only allowed one cock, then he's only allowed one pussy, because, as you said, the double standard bothers you. You have every right to be bothered by that. Women have fought really hard over the past 100+ years to gain equality, and we don't need pigs like him screwing that up. :)
 
All I can do is agree with what is said above. It's unfair to enforce a one-penis policy. If you all choose to be involved in OPP, that's different.
 
This is the same thing as when a woman requires an "equal triad" in order feel in control over her partner's relationship with the "third" or other woman. In this case, the man feels as though he is still in control because presumably, women can give other women things that a man can't, but only a man can provide a woman with a Genuine Penile Experience™. Therefore, if there is only one Provider of teh Penis™, his position seems less vulnerable to hostile takeover.
 
YGirl said:
This is the same thing as when a woman requires an "equal triad" in order feel in control over her partner's relationship with the "third" or other woman. In this case, the man feels as though he is still in control because presumably, women can give other women things that a man can't, but only a man can provide a woman with a Genuine Penile Experience™. Therefore, if there is only one Provider of teh Penis™, his position seems less vulnerable to hostile takeover.
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Hey, I resemble that remark...!

Although I would like to say that I don't feel in control. In fact, I was the third person in line with any say. I can plainly see the what and why and how of the relationship structure, but can neither control it or change it on my own. I am slowly working on breaking down those walls.

And as a funny aside, you should totes market a strap-on called "Genuine Penile Experience" haha :ROFLMAO: I was going to say my wife can provide that fun too, but it isn't labelled Genuine.
 
Poiyt's husband story used to be me right down to the bone-- jealous as all hell. Stubborn too. But if I could come to the understanding that my wants were selfish, he can too. I'm probably the last person to be giving advice, but I'ma do it anyway. ;) Sit down, talk with him, and let him know that this isn't acceptable, and that you want your fair share of freedom too. It's not an unreasonable request at all, and if your husband loves you, he'll come to see that, surely.
 
Yeah, I'm kind of with most of the rest of the replies here. This really has little to do with love, and more to do with sex, it would seem. You have to keep that distinction in mind. There are obvious power struggles here, insecurities, fears, etc., and those are all things we strive to banish from our lives. But like with any habit, the first step to forward movement is acknowledgment, the "calling a spade a spade" part.
 
There are obvious power struggles here, insecurities, fears etc., and those are all things we strive to banish from our lives.
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I completely agree. I like to think I know about this type of thing, and it happens so much, guys who don't really "get" the whole polyamory thing. They just think it's awesome they get to fuck two chicks. It pisses me off because it has been my fantasy since I was like 10, to be in love with two woman and one guy.

Your DH has no right to "impose his might" on you and "forbid" you. That's ridiculous. Conflicting wants and needs should be be extensively talked about and managed carefully, with a slow-fast progressive solution, or balance. None of this "No, I will not allow that!" bull. I'm really anti-double standard. I get enough small ones from my girlfriend to hear about more horrible ones on here. Some major overhaul of your needs and wants needs to be had in your overall relationships.
 
I agree with everything that has been posted here, but I wanted to add that once you do have that conversation and he (hopefully) agrees, be prepared to be patient. People who have those fears can't just let go of them overnight. He will probably need baby steps with lots of reassurance and long conversations. You can give him an ultimatum and tell him that if he doesn't give you exactly the same privileges all at once you're leaving, and he might listen, but that would be very hard on him and wouldn't help his insecurities. But hopefully he will understand that you deserve this too and both of you can work on this together.
 
If he won't change, you should probably step aside.

Darknyss said:
That used to be me, right down to the bone-- jealous as all hell. Stubborn too. But if I could come to the understanding that my wants were selfish, he can too. Let him know that this isn't acceptable, and that you want your fair share of freedom too. It's not an unreasonable request at all, and if your husband loves you, he'll come to see that, surely.
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Yes, it can be overcome. It's very good to read every story about that. If this is about love, his reservations are because of his own insecurity and lack of self-confidence etc., If they are not, it's not real love, simply put.

It has been mentioned here that if you are all comfortable with the one-dick setting, it's okay. I disagree, on principal. You can choose to run a one-dick policy for some time, and that will be just fine. But if you are not free to change that "default setting", it's polygamy (here, polygyny) and has nothing to do with polyamory whatsoever. Symmetry is basic to polyamory. You can't give it up, and still think you have the real thing. But it cannot simply be enforced; human beings must be given the time to adapt to new situations, and polyamory settings tend to be somewhat new all the time.

In this case, I think it is real simple: a one-dick rule also implies one pussy for him. And you are probably the one who should step aside. I think it will be for your own good. Building relationships on elements of self-deception can get real nasty, if it is allowed to continue. And, sadly, it looks like a considerable percentage of men turning to polyamory have got double or triple standards.
 
capricorny said:
It has been mentioned here that if you are all comfortable with the one-dick setting, it's okay. I disagree, on principal. You can choose to run a one-dick policy for some time, and that will be just fine. But if you are not free to change that "default setting", it's polygamy (here, polygyny) and has nothing to do with polyamory whatsoever. Symmetry is basic to polyamory. You can't give it up, and still think you have the real thing. But it cannot simply be enforced; human beings must be given the time to adapt to new situations, and polyamory settings tend to be somewhat new all the time.
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Would you elaborate on what you mean here? I'm interested, but not sure I understand what you are saying.

For example, we have a MMF relationship dynamic, not because of a rule, but because my husband Maca doesn't feel like he's ready to bring another woman into the dynamic yet. He's interested, but feels he has some personal issues to resolve before looking for another relationship. My partner GG just isn't interested. So in theory, it could be this way forever, not out of a double standard though, but from choice.
 
Your situation: Illustrates exactly what I mean

LovingRadiance said:
Would you elaborate on what you mean here? I'm interested, but not sure I understand what you are saying. For example, we have a MMF relationship dynamic. Not because of a rule, but because Maca doesn't feel like he's ready to bring another woman into the dynamic yet. He's interested, but feels he has some personal issues to resolve before looking for another relationship. GG just isn't interested. So in theory, it could be this way forever. Not out of a double standard, but from choice.
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I think your situation illustrates exactly what I mean! You choose freely to keep it within the MMF dynamic. for now, and maybe forever. Kind of a one-pussy setting, and that's just fine. because you can change this without anyone being able to veto it on principle grounds. It's symmetrical in principle, and that's what matters. When the dick in a one-dick setting asserts rights to monopoly, as happened to the OP here, it is something entirely different. That is violation of the symmetry principle. And often asymmetry is built into the rules: If a woman in a polygamous realtionship, where she is supposed to be faithful (biblical examples come to mind) takes a lover without permission, she is untrue. In my view, that kind of polygamy is completely contrary to polyamory. (But it can be a kind of "responsible non-monogamy", so we must be careful with our terminology.)

But rights to symmetry, and symmetry as an ideal, does not imply mandatory symmetry. Speaking for myself, because of other relationships ending, I have been in a one-dick-setting for quite some time now, but that is not at all something I want, rather the contrary. But I really can't force my female partners into other relationships when they lack the drive themselves at present. It's all about the situation, resolving personal issues, etc., like it is with you, LR.
 
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