Ooof

[why me]

I'm struggling a bit. My fiancé of 4 years decided to bring his male friend into our relationship, as a MFM V, with me as the hinge. We had the discussion when we got together about my sexuality and he said if and when he was ready, we would tackle it. I was more than willing to stay as we were because I love him. Recently we took that leap.

He has been struggling with jealousy, but says he truly wants this. Last night he got stupid drunk and was aggressive with us both. He revealed that he was with men in the past and tried to cross some boundaries with our 3rd. Our 3rd declined his advances and said he was straight and only loved him like a brother. I told him today it's the bottle or me.

He's never done anything like this before, but I can't have a grown-ass man flopping naked in my living room screaming because he was rejected after he attempted to drag another man around by his beard. We had toddlers in the next room that didn't need to be traumatized by this.

Our 3rd was a lifesaver last night, keeping fiancé's head out of the trash can while I cleaned up the vomit in the bathroom. He held me while I cried.
I'm terrified. I like stability and this doesn't make me feel stable. We all had clearly defined boundaries that were ignored.

I do want to get past this, I just don't know how. Heck, I'm not even sure what's wrong. I just know I'm hurt and scared.

 

[Bobbi]

Sounds like a horrible experience. I would never want to relive that either. Good for you for putting up the drinking boundary. You may want to push the wedding back significantly to make sure you are indeed marrying the right person. That night was a GLARING red flag for marriage.

 

[ref2018]

Well this sounds like a big steaming shitshow if ever there was one.

Welcome to the forum. Feel free to start a thread in the Life Stories and Blogs section to keep a journal that everyone can read or post a thread to ask for advice in the Poly Relationships Corner.

As a moderator I need to remind you that you have 12 hours to edit/delete any of your posts, so please make sure any names or details that will make it possible for people you know in real life to identify you are sufficiently vague, because we will not edit your posts for you after that window expires.

 

[GalaGirl]

WTF?

Did I read that right? Your fiancé tried to orchestrate a group sex encounter between you, him, and a friend, WITHOUT obtaining consent from all parties first? He just wanted this for himself, got drunk to buoy up his courage, then foisted his naked self on people/got aggressive/rapey-sounding with both of you? Then wigged out when turned down?

Plus the friend held his head out of trash while YOU cleaned up the vomit? I doubt either of you wanted this experience or the subsequent chores. I'm sorry you had to experience it. None of this is consenting polyamory. It's really scary and gross behavior. And with kids in the house? Jeez! Are these his kids too? Or just yours?

He's never done anything like this before, but I can't have a grown-ass man flopping naked in my living room screaming because he was rejected after he attempted to drag another man around by his beard. We had toddlers in the next room that didn't need to be traumatized by this. Our 3rd was a lifesaver last night, keeping fiancé's head out of the trash can while I cleaned up the vomit in the bathroom. He held me while I cried.

Well, he did it now. It sounds scary as hell! The kids don't need to be traumatized, and neither do you or the friend.

I'm terrified. I like stability and this doesn't make me feel stable. We all had clearly defined boundaries that were ignored. I do want to get pass this. I just don't know how. Heck, I'm not even sure what's wrong. I just know I'm hurt and scared

You consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. If you don't feel safe and stable here, don't date him anymore and don't marry him. I think you could call this a dealbreaker and end it with him. You do not have to live in terror/with terror.

You could decide to get past this WITHOUT him. It doesn't have to be together. You don't have to figure out what's wrong with him. You don't have to help "fix" him or enable him. Your job is to get away and make it so you and the toddlers never have to experience that level of WTF from him again. Just don't be with him any more. Unmanaged mental health is a reason to break up.

Something is wrong with him, but it's not your job to fix whatever inner stuff he has going on that leads to him behave so inappropriately. He could take personal responsibility for himself and his health. He could seek a counselor and whatever other help he needs on his own. Or he can keep sinking. You don't have to keep him company in that, or put the babies through that. You are allowed to have your limit of tolerance. You are allowed to have your dealbreakers. You can break the deal.

I told him today it's the bottle or me.

If he's an alcoholic, that's not something he can just turn off with the flick of a switch. If you don't want to date someone with that kind of problem, you do not have to. You definitely do not have to marry him.

I'm glad the friend was there to help, but next time it might be you alone with the babies. Then what?

Rather than asking him to make choices, YOU could make a choice yourself. Break the engagement and bow out.

I don't know if there's more going on, like other abuse or domestic violence. I encourage you to reach out to talk to people. This goes beyond internet people's help. It sounds like you need professionals to help you.

List of domestic violence hotlines - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

You do not feel safe here with him, so save yourself and the kids. Get everyone to safety.

If you don't live together, but gave him a key, call a locksmith and change all the locks. Don't bother getting the key back. He may have made copies you don't know about.

If you live together, do you have friends or family you and the kids could live with instead?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings why me,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm not sure if your fiancé is a good fit for you. He says he wants poly, but then he has all kinds of bad reactions to it. I suppose you could try again with him, as long as he is making efforts to do better. He needs a therapist, and possibly prescription meds. Things can't go on business as usual, something has to change.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[Evie]

My fiancé of 4 years decided to bring his male friend into our relationship, as a MFM V, with me as the hinge.

*He* did this? Did you ever really want to be a hinge?

I suspect your fiance has been trying to live vicariously through you.

He has been struggling with jealousy, but says he truly wants this.

Yeah...so my money is on him having a major thing for the other guy (your "3rd"). He's not jealous of *him*, he's jealous of *you* for being able to be with this other man.

 

[GalaGirl]

Even if Dude is struggling to come to terms with his own bisexuality...

I can't have a grown-ass man flopping naked in my living room screaming because he was rejected after he attempted to drag another man around by his beard. We had toddlers in the next room that didn't need to be traumatized by this.

... this is just too over the top for me. WAY inappropriate. I'd bounce. With kids in the mix, I'd bounce even faster. Ugh. I'm sorry you had to experience that and ended up feeling terrorized, scared and destabilized. This is NOT okay. You and the kids deserve much better treatment than this. You and the kids deserve to live and grow in a calm, stable environment.

GG