Open Relationship and Sexual Performance

[bgow4634]

Hello All,

My boyfriend of three years and I have recently opened up our relationship sexually, so I believe we would be described as monogamish. In a lot of ways, it's been a positive step for us. We have very different sex drives, so it helps take some of the pressure off of him, and I can still get my needs met. However, since I've started having sex outside my primary relationship, I can't seem to perform well or stay aroused when my boyfriend and I have sex together. As a gay couple, we have quite a few options sexually, so he's still able to get what he needs, but I still wish that I was able to get more out of it.

It's not that I've lost interest in him or anything. I'm wondering if there's some underlying shame that's causing performance issues. For a long time, I was quite close-minded about relationships that weren't traditional monogamy, and it took me quite a while to be open to the idea of something different. But I've felt really good about this so far. Maybe my brain needs to "relearn" sex with my boyfriend now that were non-monogamous? I'm not really sure what's happening.

The goal of opening things up was to improve and deepen our relationship, and I certainly don't want this situation to stand in our way of that happening. Has anyone dealt with a similar experience? Any advice for me?

Thanks!

 

[MayDecember]

Well for me, the NRE is recyclable. I do better with both the wife and mistress, because my aerobic conditioning is better.

It adds to our sexual experience, everyone. But we could go back to monogamy, and marriage would still be fine.

I am guessing if you went back, things might not be.

 

[River]

As a gay couple, we have quite a few options sexually, so he's still able to get what he needs, but I still wish that I was able to get more out of it.

The word "get" stands out here for me. Sometimes, what we really need is to give more, not get more. And in giving more we're able to "get" experiences we were previously not even available for. Ask yourself what you're willing and able to give in this situation. Try even letting your giving intention to outweigh the getting. And see how that goes.

Eros involves giving and receiving. If one of these overwhelms the other, it ceases to be eros, and the lil willy might even shrink up.

It's not that I've lost interest in him or anything. I'm wondering if there's some underlying shame that's causing performance issues. For a long time, I was quite close-minded about relationships that weren't traditional monogamy, and it took me quite a while to be open to the idea of something different.

I suspect you're going to have to seriously investigate the question about shame which you mentioned. Only you will be able to determine what's going on in that department. If you are fortunate, your partner may be able to dive into that with you, supporting you in this inquiry. But then he'd be "giving," would he not?

In my estimation, in deeply loving relationships, giving and receiving are identical acts. As we deeply open to receiving we are deeply opening to giving, and vice versa. Allowing ourselves to be given to is also opening ourselves up to being giving. MOST of us have trouble with giving and receiving, because (in large part) we don't see the connection between these two. We have bank account minds and hearts, most of us do. And we think we're exchanging. But love is not about exchange. It's about love.

 

[vinsanity0]

Would this have anything to do with him dating someone else? Sometimes people get a little icked out because their partner is having sex with someone else.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Adding to the thought adjustments that River brings up, I'd encourage you to take "sexual performance" out of your vocabulary. This phrase sadly perpetuates the expectation that men must always be proving themselves to their partners: proving their virility, their attractiveness, their ability to satisfy - basically, basing their sexual value on their erections. Men are diminished when we equate visible sexual arousal with a performance, however common that turn of phrase may be. The notion that a man is sexually worthwhile only to the extent that his penis can be erect is damaging and tragically limiting. There are so very many ways that men can share, enjoy, give and receive sexual pleasure, most of which do not require an erection at all. If I were queen of the world, I'd strike "erectile dysfunction" from the dictionary. The very concept implies that there is something troubling and wrong about a soft penis, something in poor working order about the man. The very opposite is true. When a penis doesn't want to get erect, be it because of age, physical condition or circumstance, there is always good reason for it. Often, the most effective way for a couple to slow down and really tune into each other is to take the erect penis out of the arena and allow the energy take over and take the lead. The penis is much smarter than we jokingly give it credit for.

Male sexuality is not a performance, it's an experience.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello bgow4634,

I wonder if it would be helpful to you to meet with a sex therapist, that might be a comprehensive approach to your difficulty. Also, do you feel any guilt about having sex with other guys? even just guilt on a subconscious level? You mentioned that you are coming from a past in which you did not believe nonmonogamous relationships are a good thing. Could some of that past still be lurking in your subconscious?

Your difficulty could also be partly or completely a self-fulfilling prophecy, if you are afraid you won't be able to get/stay hard, that fear could be distracting you from your normally accustomed functioning. This part of the difficulty would be trickier to address. You might be able to get a start on it with Viagra or Cialis, but be careful, taking a pill could put you under more pressure to perform and thus have the opposite effect.

Pressure to perform is kind of an extension of the fear that you can't perform. The two tend to work together in a vicious circle. It would help if you could develop a new mindset, one in which it is okay if you are not physically aroused. Now how to develop that mindset, I don't know for sure. Perhaps FallenAngelina's post will help. I just wonder if sex therapy might also be helpful. Do your circumstances allow you to get that?

Hopefully all of the posts on this thread have been helpful so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

You don't mention your age, but here's another thought I have not seen mentioned yet.

I'm dealing in perimenopause hormone weird. My spouse deals in his andropause hormone weird. Still totally into each other, still interested in sharing sex, but sometimes BRAIN wants to do X, but BODIES want to do Y. I did a year of HRT which helped a LOT with the crazy hot flashes and whatnot. It was hard for me to be aroused and stay aroused when WHOOOOSH! I'm on FIRE!!!! would come interrupt as if from nowhere.

Way better now.

I can't seem to perform well or stay aroused when my boyfriend and I have sex together.

Is this about anxiety? Penis erections?

My father doesn't think it "counts" as sex unless there's a hard penis and PIV happening. My mom once called me to ask me about erectile disfunction and I said to get him to his doc to check his prostrate and whatever else. And that I find Dad had a very limiting view of sex, and it was kinda sad. She asked me to ask my spouse how he felt and he looked surprised and said "Well, what happened to my tongue or fingers or toys?" Like me, sex for him isn't only about erections.

So... could any of that be at play for you? Age/hormone stuff? Anxiety? Or being too close minded about what "sex that counts" is?

You could also google "erectile disfunction swinging" -- I've seen articles about it there.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

I also think "performance" is, or should be, an outmoded concept. A man can be very aroused and into the sex, but not be hard.

You say you and your bf only recently opened your relationship. You maybe feel shame for going outside of a mono relationship for sex. Your bf's libido is lower than yours. You're a horndog... you get crushes, get aroused by other men. This makes you a bad person, coming from an Abrahamic/Christian monogamous viewpoint. In Christianity, (or a Christian based culture, like in the US) being gay is bad enough. Being a polysexual or polyamorous gay is worse. Right?

I'm a pansexual non-binary woman. I'm attracted to cis men, cis women, transfolk of either gender, and also gender non-conforming people. Just so you know, I'm coming from a queer viewpoint too. Just thought I better mention that, so you don't think I'm gay bashing!

So, now you're dating, or at least shagging, men who aren't your long term partner. Sex with a new partner is (or can be) extremely hot. The variety stimulates us. New bodies, new shapes, new smells, voices, expressions of arousal, all that.

Then you come home to your bf of 3 years. The older partner can seem a bit boring, by contrast. Some, but not all poly people might struggle with this, especially if you're new to poly.

On the other hand, sex with a new partner can seem attractive, but the lack of trust and knowledge of the new person can make sex a little scary. Some men I've been with have had their erections come and go, and have had difficulty cumming, the first time or 2 times or 3 times we've had sex.

And on the other other hand, sometimes your NRE for someone new can leak over into your established relationship, and things can actually heat up with the established partner.

So, a range of things can happen. If you're using up a lot of your sexual energy on new people, you could ease off on seeing others a bit. Or fucking less, masturbating less, or cumming less. Maybe then you'd be hotter for your bf.

Or like others have said, don't worry if you can't penetrate your bf. Don't worry if you don't stay hard while getting oral. Focus more on being penetrated (if you like that), or on giving oral, hand jobs, frotting, or kissing other body parts.

I once had a straight bf who had various emotional issues. He had trouble getting hard or staying hard, even though he desired "sex." So before he met me, he'd learned that his best bet for sexy fun times was giving oral and really good fingering, or using a dildo on a woman. Making out, breast play. And doing kink things like doling out good spankings, using clamps, etc.

Well, I was such an enthusiastic receiver of these activities, and not making the state of his cock an issue, after 3 dates he started getting hard easily and staying hard and being able to fuck me very well. (As well as still doing the other things.) (He still couldn't cum, but oh well. He'd learned to live without that. He couldn't even cum when he masturbated. So I learned to accept the lack of boy joy juice too.) He used to call me Magic Mags because of his unaccustomed erections.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know, you're not alone with this problem. It's probably just an emotional or psychological speed bump, not a road block, and can be overcome by a shift in perspective, over time.