Open Relationship ending our marriage

O

OhJoyItsJulie

New member
Hey guys. My husband and I are new to an open relationship, but it has literally gone to hell. I'm looking for some advice on what to do or how to handle this all. I'm sorry it's long!

My husband came out to me as bisexual, and he proposed the idea of an open relationship. At first, I was hesitant since this was new to me, but he kept reassuring me everything would be fine. I felt selfish wanting to keep him to myself, but I felt bad not letting him have the things he couldn't get from me. I had told him I was unhappy with some aspects of our relationship WELL before an open relationship was even a discussion. He had told me an open relationship would be a good way to get the things I felt our relationship was missing. I asked him if he thought he would experience jealousy, and he said no as he had faith in both of us. We both joined dating web-sites, and I ended up meeting someone. During this time, my husband wasn't having any luck meeting guys, so he asked if he could broaden his search to women, which I agreed too as well. I ended up meeting a guy, and we hit it off . . . 2 months later, we ended up having sex.

My husband literally lost it, and he admitted to me that the only reason he reassured me initially was because he didn't think I'd actually do anything with anyone and he wanted to be able to do stuff. He says doesn't mind doing things with others (he hasn't done anything yet), but he can't handle the thought of me being with someone else in a sexual capacity.

He now wants to call the whole thing off, but now I don't want too. Now that I've gotten to experience some of it, I really enjoy it and want to keep it up.

We've reached an impasse, and I have no clue what to do. I feel like a total jerk for not wanting to stop, but I'm also upset with how he's acting. Any words of wisdom or similar experiences would be GREATLY appreciated.
 
Julie thanks for the share. My situation is the same but on the other end. My Wife (J) who is bi came to me with the same proposal. I always knew she was bi and that one day she would want to date women. I was ok with that. Then, after much conversation we opened up to both of us dating and her dating men and women. As it is in most cases women have it WAY easier with dating than me do. Just how it is. I dealt with jealousy because she was getting what I wanted. I didnt see it as fair. But I had to find the root of my issues and address that. The most important thing is full communication. Talk about everything under the sun. Let him tell you how he feels and try to get to the root of the issue. Poly isnt for everyone. The last thing you want to do is put up heavy restrictions on anyone to "fix" the problem. It is a very difficult transition going from a closed monogomus relationship to an open poly one, especially if neither of you have practiced it before. The key is open, honest, fair and judgement free comunication. Sit down and talk about WHAT triggers the feelings he's having. Listen to his concerns and see if the both of you can work out a solution to the problem.

Ultimatley it comes down to that. Just talking. Set some boundries and rules to help deal with the situation just not too much. J and I have 2 days a week that we "check in" to discuss feelings, rules, boundaries or anything else that comes up. We also communicate about everything. Emails we get from people. When we start talking to them about sex. When we move from email to texting or IMing. When we discuss meeting new potential partners. We also have some rules about meeting new partners. We both want to meet each others new partners and try to have a friendship with them at the least. Its good to get to know your metamour. Include him in all aspects of your new realations and he should do the same for you. It will make you both feel included and you wont feel that either one is hiding something from you. I'm not sure how much research you have done on the subject but look up "poly math" it will help you to understand how complex even adding 1 person to your lives can be.

Poly takes a lot of work, but can be super rewarding. There are a ton of resources on this site to help deal with this stuff. I would recommend that he join the site as well and post his POV and maybe find help. Also check out morethantwo.com, polyweekly.com (great podcasts on EVERYTHING). J and I listen to them every week and find interesting new ones in the archives.

Sorry for rambling, but I hope this helps you in some way. There are many ways to "practice poly" none are more right than others. The key is communication and honesty. Keep those in mind and things should turn out ok.
 
OhJoyItsJulie said:
he admitted to me that the only reason he reassured me initially was because he didn't think I'd actually do anything with anyone and he wanted to be able to do stuff.
Click to expand...

Well, he's caused his own pain then hasn't he. Pain in this case, being the result of something not being the way he thinks it should be. He totally set himself up for this and wasn't truly honest with you, or really himself, up front. I suspect you want to help him deal with his pain, but really only he can process it. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. It's his pain. And he's currently wallowing in it and blaming your positive experience of poly dating for his pain. You stopping dating wouldn't actually be him dealing with the pain, it would be him running from it. That's not personal growth. And poly, as you'll see a lot around here, brings some pretty intense personal growth to the table. It is literally time for him to grow up.

Kia kaha
Evie
 
I am sorry you struggle.

PROBLEMS

Correct me if I get it wrong ok? In chronological order the problems seem to be...

You were unhappy with some aspects of the marriage before you guys Opened.

  • How did you guys work on this at that point in time?

You husband came out to you as bi and proposed an Open relationship.

  • He presented it like it would help you get needs met that he could not. (Like fixing some of the problems above.)
  • Covert agenda:
    • He wanted to explore sexually with other people. (Open for him on his side of it).
    • He didn't think you actually would explore. (So it would be Closed for you on your side of it.)

Now that you have Lover, Husband admits the covert agenda. He also wants you to break up with Lover and Close the marriage up again. (???)

You prefer to leave it how it is.

You also don't like him acting out his upset at you. Especially when it is of his own making -- he was not honest that he wanted it Open on his side and Closed on yours.
​
Is that where this is right now?

SUGGESTIONS

If so...

I think you could ask him if he's willing to see a poly counselor to sort things out.

I think you could tell him you agree not to date any NEW people, but you are not going to break up with Lover at this time while in counseling.

  • In counseling you could ask him if he is willing to own that he was NOT honest with you about what he wanted from Open relationship from the start and apologize for that part of it. Deliberately misleading you is not cool. Flying a false flag is not holding up his end of the stick.
  • You could ask if he is willing to apologize for acting at out you when you WERE honest and let him know you had a new Lover. You sound like you were holding up your end of the stick.
  • You could ask him if he is willing to continue in the marriage in a "V" with you as a hinge or not. What kind of V? This time BE SPECIFIC and lay it out for real. Not like last time with a hidden agenda. Ex:
    • No new people, just the ones already here.
    • The people already here, and all can also date new people.
    • Something else?

    You could work with counselor on new agreements for HOW to poly once you know what model you want to practice together. This would include conflict resolution and how to break up amicably if it's just not working out.

You could ask yourself some things in counseling too. Do you want to continue with a spouse who lied to you? Are you able to work past that? If he apologizes can you do you side and both forgive and give opportunity to make amends? OR only forgive and part ways? Bow out now rather than trying some more?

Counseling will only help if you both are shooting for the same goal. Stay together, break up peacefully -- what is it to be? And radical honesty is best here. No more secrets. Work with the counselor to figure that out. Then you could work with the counselor to arrive at whatever choice you guys picked.

If you are going to poly ... maybe some of these help in that conversation with the poly counselor.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

If you are going to split at this point -- you may ask counselor for help in how to do that so it is as peaceful as possible in the circumstances.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Evie said:
You stopping dating wouldn't actually be him dealing with the pain, it would be him running from it. That's not personal growth. And poly, as you'll see a lot around here, brings some pretty intense personal growth to the table. It is literally time for him to grow up.
Click to expand...

Perfectly said - it's really this simple.

Don't ever try to spare someone else their experiences, for it's impossible to do and you don't want to do it anyway. He chooses, with full knowledge, every day to be in this situation with you and so the wiser part of him knows that there is great benefit to him here. Don't take the short view to alleviate him of his growing pains, for they are not caused by you, they are caused by the call of his wiser self, moving him forward. Keep him close in your heart, but let his struggles be his own separate adventure. His struggles are not yours to sort out.
 
Thanks everyone for the quick responses.

I still feel like this is my fault. While we were doing this, my husband started expressing jealousy, but he told me it was just something he had to work through. He gave me a specific list of things I could do to help reassure him and help him get over this, such as, reiterating that I love him, etc. I feel like maybe I should've backed off with the new guy then, but he kept telling me it was fine. After I met up with the new guy for the first time, we got into a big argument over my husbands jealousy, but at the end of the discussion, it was back to him just needing to work on himself. I expressed to him how confused I was, because he was giving me mixed signals. He just kept reassuring me that it was his jealousy and insecurities, and that he would get over them.

Galagirl - when I voiced my unhappiness, I told him specifically what I was unhappy with and what could be done to fix this. I was unhappy sexually and wanted to try new things and I was also unhappy we didn't do anything together - like go hiking, take our dogs for a walk, etc. The majority of our time together is spent watching TV and I just can't do that all the time. He told me he'd work on the issues, but 4+ years later, the same issues were still coming up in arguments.

Yes, at this point he said the only way he feels he MIGHT be able to get over me sleeping with this guy, is if he sleeps with a woman. He also wants to close the relationship off on my end (I can still be friends, just nothing else), and he can continue to find guys/girls if he so chose too.

I don't think counseling would be an option for us. For one, we're pretty tight on money at the moment, and second, we both want different outcomes. I really feel like a terrible person for wanting to continue this.
 
Yes. Money can be a block. But more so... wanting different outcomes. It hurts to break up, but... when all choices stink you could pick the least stinky one for you. Dragging it out sounds worse than ending it clean to me. It sounds like you guys have been growing apart for a while. So I'm not sure that Closing solves anything for you -- you just go back to being unhappy. He goes off to explore with you at home as his safety net. Does he love you or what you can DO for him?

You guys agreed to Open on both ends. That is how it currently stands.

  • He is suggesting a change in those agreements to skew in his favor. You dump Lover and go back in the box. No consideration for your feelings or Lover's feelings as people. Just what he is getting or not getting. Well... He can suggest things.
  • You prefer what you already have. You can have your preferences. I think you could tell him no politely. "No, thank you. I do not want to change the current agreements. I prefer to keep same. "
  • Then let him decide for himself if he can continue to abide by current agreements or if he prefers to bow out so he doesn't have to abide by current agreements. (You could tell him that.)

You could also decide to bow out yourself. For whatever reason.

  • Because he says one thing and means another and you can't trust like that.
  • Because he wants a double standard and you don't like that.
  • Because you have been unhappy with him for a while and vote no confidence on him following through on fixing old problems that were there before you Opened.
  • Because you have outgrown him/this relationship with him.

Hard to feel, but pretty straightforward for actions.

I think he's behaving badly here by acting out at you because he made an agreement he didn't really want. And you are taking that on board like it is your fault somehow. It isn't your fault he was not honest from the get go. It is not your fault he chose to make an agreement with no intention of following through.

Being honest NOW about really wanting a skewed thing doesn't gives him any points.

I wonder if you think it is your fault for outgrowing him? Or its hard to come to terms with seeing him a new light? Is that it? And it's hard to come to terms with that? :confused:


I really feel like a terrible person for wanting to continue this.
Click to expand...

Why? You had a game changing experience. Those things can happen in a Life. YOU are not a terrible person for having a game changing experience in your life. It's a rough situation because you guys want different things now. But you are not terrible.

I think the way out is to be decisive and make the hard calls you need to be making. Part ways. That hurts, but then you are each free to seek what you want with more compatible partners.

Right now he's suggesting you shrink yourself back into the picture he has of you in his head so he doesn't feel yucky, he doesn't have to update the picture he has of you, and he doesn't have to deal with acknowledging his acting out behavior has been out of line, or acknowledge that what he most wants is a skewed, unfair arrangement. A double standard.

If he's not willing to see or own that, and money is tight? Don't spend money on go nowhere counseling. Think about a split and spend it on the costs of a split.

It is one thing if you are both free to date and you just don't feel like it. That's YOU picking that for yourself. It's another if he's trying to dictate what you get to do in a double standard thing. That's not right.

I think it is not your behavior that is causing his yucky feelings. It is his competitive thinking / unwilling to update his picture of you that is causing his yucky feelings.

  • He's the one who wanted to Open. His dating life is not taking off.
  • You are the one who did not want to Open. Your dating life is doing fine.

It's NOT a race or a competition. And when a married couple practices Open relationship, they have to deal with that fact that relationships happen as they do. There's other people in the mix, and they all have free will. It's not like both of you ordering ice cream at the store and both can have ice cream at the same time. Sometimes you will both have dating partners, sometimes one will and the other not, sometimes neither will. It just is.

If he cannot handle that... he wants you to have no dating partners at all while he has however many? That's not something you like the sound of?

Then it goes back to square one. No longer compatible. Best to disband. Be careful of him trying to blame shift things on you that are NOT you.

I am so sorry. :(

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
OhJoyItsJulie said:
Yes, at this point he said the only way he feels he MIGHT be able to get over me sleeping with this guy, is if he sleeps with a woman. He also wants to close the relationship off on my end (I can still be friends, just nothing else), and he can continue to find guys/girls if he so chose too.
Click to expand...
If a partner said that to me I'd invite him to take the idea, roll it tightly, and insert it into the orifice of his choice.
 
OhJoyItsJulie said:
Yes, at this point he said the only way he feels he MIGHT be able to get over me sleeping with this guy, is if he sleeps with a woman. He also wants to close the relationship off on my end (I can still be friends, just nothing else), and he can continue to find guys/girls if he so chose too.

I don't think counseling would be an option for us. For one, we're pretty tight on money at the moment, and second, we both want different outcomes. I really feel like a terrible person for wanting to continue this.
Click to expand...

Change your thinking. You're entitled to feel what you feel, but he's being entirely unfair.

I understand about money being tight, but I think you do need some professional guidance. there are counselling organisations that work on a sliding fee scale, and you pay what you can afford. You both want different outcomes, yes...maybe a counsellor might help you part amicably? Or, you could do what he asks you to do, then you'll be unhappy, and resentment will start to build up, and your relationship will still be unhappy.

It sounds like you know what you need and want, but the idea of causing your husband pain is upsetting to you, and you're asking permission to do what you need to do to be happy. Give yourself permission. You can't be responsible for another person's happiness.
 
I'm sorry that you're in such a crappy situation. It doesn't sound like he's been approaching poly from an honest and ethical place. He started with the premise that he wanted to date someone else but didn't want you to, but didn't tell you that. He got upset when you did the thing he said you could do. And now he wants to end something that is working for you because he isn't getting what he wants (enjoyment for him but not you)?

It doesn't matter whose fault this is. Are you sure you want to stay in this relationship? If so, you are probably going to need to ask for a level of honesty and consideration that hasn't been previously present. Several of his actions appear manipulative and controlling to me, keeping in mind that I don't have the full picture.

I think you should decide what you want, set boundaries with him, enforce them, and pursue what will make you the happiest.

In the end, the open relationship wouldn't be ending your marriage, it would be miscommunication and dishonesty. It would suck any which way. But it isn't your fault for taking what he said at face value and making the decisions that are healthiest for you.
 
Alright, so here are my two cents. Generally, I don't have the most popular opinions here, so you can choose to do with it whatever you wish... But coming from someone whose marriage was nearly destroyed by polyamory, I'd be remiss if I didn't offer my perspective.

What it sounds like to me, is that he was more or less just looking to experience something that he had previously had, and could never have with you, by wanting to be involved with another man. And therefore, didn't see the need for you to participate in the "open marriage" agreement. I'm not siding with him, it's just an observation.

One thing that I've learned on this topic, is that communication is crucial. But I think that the mistake that most couples seem to make, is that they don't communicate enough after the decision is made, nearly as much as they do in leading up to it. Remember, that we are all entitled to feel the way we feel, and that just because we may agree to something, does not mean that we should be required to continue with that decision if we don't like the outcome.

Now, it sounds like he wasn't open & honest enough from the beginning. And that is his cross to bear as it relates to him having to deal with what you've participated with on your end. He has no one to blame but himself for that. However, if you truly do care about his feelings, then it's important to hear him out as far as what's to take place moving forward. Don't take this the wrong way, but he has every right be upset about your continuing a relationship with another person. That doesn't mean that you have to stop, but if he cannot ever be comfortable with it, then a decision has to be made. If he's more important than the new one, then it really does need to stop. It may not sound fair, but there's no such thing as a healthy relationship where one partner is engaging in activities that is causing the other such agony.

Sometimes (speaking from experience) we start off wanting to be open to new ideas, and new arrangements. But try as we might, we cannot always except them. My wife came out as poly to me a few months ago, and while I was adamant that there was NEVER to be any sex (which she agreed to), I was willing to at least be open to her loving other people until I was able to wrap my head around it all. In the end, the whole thing just made me so uncomfortable, that I had to offer the ultimatum that the others involved had to permanently disappear from her life, with all ties 100% severed, or I was going to leave. Yes, I know it sounds harsh, and the last thing I want to do is hold her back from who she says she is, but that door swings both ways. She could explore that if she wants to. She could even sleep with others if she wants, but it would have to be with me out of the picture.

In the end... Tough choices must be made.
 
Just remember that being your husband does not make him the boss of you.

You get to choose how you live your life. He can either accept it and deal with any difficult feelings that arise (which are his responsibility and no one else's), or leave and stick his head in the sand. No amount of kowtowing and compromising you could do would possibly accomplish his inner work for him. And now there is another person's feelings to take into account, which are important too.
 
OhJoyItsJulie said:
He just kept reassuring me that it was his jealousy and insecurities, and that he would get over them.
Click to expand...

OK, so I'm seeing that earlier on he understood that this journey would be one of personal growth. But now, he's so freaked out/fucked off that he's giving up on personal growth and really just out to even the score...


at this point he said the only way he feels he MIGHT be able to get over me sleeping with this guy, is if he sleeps with a woman.
Click to expand...

ugh. First, as a bisexual man, why wouldn't having sex with a man 'even the score' (as this is what it's reading like). And now it's all about sex. But then maybe it always was. But that's actually really dehumanizing for this hypothetical woman. Or man. But he seems to have ruled that out.

He also wants to close the relationship off on my end (I can still be friends, just nothing else), and he can continue to find guys/girls if he so chose too.
Click to expand...

oh ffs. dtmfa.
 
I'm a little late to this but...

I admit I have been there. It had to do with insecurity. It had to do with her getting laid way more easily than I could...though I have a hard time seeing how a bi guy can't hook up. You must live out in the middle of nowhere.

The first thing you want to do is relax. It is not your fault at all. He was all hyped up about getting some strange. You got there first and it made him realize you had options. You had some problems before all this and he realizes he could be easily replaced.

Once he finds someone he will probably change his tune. At that time he should realize he is being an idiot. It will take time though.
 
vinsanity0 said:
I'm a little late to this but...

I admit I have been there. It had to do with insecurity. It had to do with her getting laid way more easily than I could...though I have a hard time seeing how a bi guy can't hook up. You must live out in the middle of nowhere.
Click to expand...

Or maybe the husband isnt actually all that attractive or appealing? Or he has ridiculously high standards, or or or.

The first thing you want to do is relax. It is not your fault at all. He was all hyped up about getting some strange. You got there first and it made him realize you had options. You had some problems before all this and he realizes he could be easily replaced.

Once he finds someone he will probably change his tune. At that time he should realize he is being an idiot. It will take time though.
Click to expand...

I think this marriage had problems that the h getting some MM sex won't fix. He just wants to sit on his ass watching TV, when wife has been asking for active hiking type dates, and he promised to do that, and yet hasn't, for FOUR YEARS? He wants everything his way, and handed to him on a silver platter. His way or the highway? I'd choose highway.

I'd say this relationship has run its course. Not all marriages are meant to last forever.
 
Thanks again to all of you for the opinions/advice.

We had a long talk last night and we currently stand with me still being friends with the other guy, just no sexual relations at this point in time. Hubs is going to try to work on his insecurities and see if he can get past them to the point where he's OK with me being with someone else as well. I'm not entirely happy with this outcome, but at least he's willing to try. I'll view this as a win.

He still seems to think that sleeping with a woman will help him overcome his issues, and since I didn't mind if he did this anyway, I said go for it. I don't think it will help, but he said it might. We agreed to give it some time, and then see how it goes from there.
 
I am glad you guys talked.

We agreed to give it some time, and then see how it goes from there.
Click to expand...

What is "some time?"
  • X weeks?
  • Y months?

Hubs is going to try to work on his insecurities and see if he can get past them to the point where he's OK with me being with someone else as well.
Click to expand...

In that time...what specific, measurable things will he be doing to achieve this goal that you can see so you know he IS trying something new?

  • Read a book?
  • See a counselor x times?
  • Attend a class?
  • Something else?

I am concerned that since your husband has not been great with follow through in the past, the lack of a time frame and specific, measurable things he's supposed to be doing in that time frame will lead to foot dragging or the infinite snooze tag button. Because he's basically achieved his covert agenda -- open on his side, closed on yours. His motivation for following through on trying X to help him let go of his insecurities so he becomes willing to change the agreement again is....what? :confused:

You don't seem entirely happy but willing to try on your end. Have you defined how long to yourself you are willing to wait? And how much effort is enough to continue trying with him and how much is too little?

Have you informed your Lover what is going on? Is he ok with all this? Does it hinder any agreements you have with him?

I hope that this can work and goes the way you hope. It's just hard to visualize with no time frame and no measurable check points right now. Maybe you guys could talk again to clarify those? Then even if you are not thrilled with coming to compromise, you know for how long and what's expected to happen.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
OhJoyItsJulie said:
Thanks again to all of you for the opinions/advice.

We had a long talk last night and we currently stand with me still being friends with the other guy, just no sexual relations at this point in time. Hubs is going to try to work on his insecurities and see if he can get past them to the point where he's OK with me being with someone else as well. I'm not entirely happy with this outcome, but at least he's willing to try. I'll view this as a win.

He still seems to think that sleeping with a woman will help him overcome his issues, and since I didn't mind if he did this anyway, I said go for it. I don't think it will help, but he said it might. We agreed to give it some time, and then see how it goes from there.
Click to expand...

I am glad to see you guys are trying to work it out. Too often I see advice given on here to just leave a partner if things aren't working perfectly. The problem with that is that relationships are always a bit of a compromise. If we really love someone we need to bend a little, provided they bend a little too.

His finding someone else could very well be key. When Cat and I first opened our marriage, I was on the road a lot. She easily found people to date. It was harder for me because I was in a different town every night. This led to a little jealousy on my part. It was like she was having all the fun and I was just miserable. Then I met someone and all was suddenly right with the world. Was I being reasonable? No, but it did work out in the end...sort of. Now she is the one keeping tabs and has expressed some feelings about me dating more women than she has dated guys (and girls).

That is just another thing we have to work through. All relationships have their ups and downs. I seriously doubt that most couples don't go through some problems when they first venture out into polyworld. I'm not saying that your husband is just like me. I'm saying that it is possible though.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top