Open relationship, NRE and breakup advice please 🙏

[Marmelade]

Hey,

I have been in a relationship with S (M) for almost 5 years. It's been a kinda bumpy road. He introduced me to poly and open relationships when I had no idea about it. It's been difficult to accept his way, at the start. We've been monogamous for most of the time, but are slowly starting an open relationship.

Us as a couple... it's been the most challenging relationship I've ever had. I've never been sure about it 100%. But the partner is very charming and good with words and always removed all the doubts.

He treats me seriously and even wanted to get married (because of love, and I think because of wanting it to be safe to open). It scared me totally and I thought we should not be together. But it somehow dissolved and we stayed. This relationship has many strong ups and downs, lots of emotions, from very happy to great anger (which makes me feel it might be a bit toxic...).

But to the point: If it comes to open relationship, I've been having romances on holidays and enjoying flirting. He's been meeting girls for dates etc. He told me the rules we should have are: not with friends or in front of them, and no emotions, just sex.

I disagree with this way. It seems like he wants to do things differently than me.

Well, recently on another holiday, my summer romance exploded to crazy NRE with a person who gave me all the things which I was missing: the easiness, calmness, playfulness, chill and positivity. He impresses me and inspires me, which doesn't happen often. I came back and was happy, and projected my happiness on my partner. But it didn't work the way I wanted, and I got really upset about our current state.

I also wanted to spend more time with the summer romance and go with him for another 2-week holiday (as he's far away). Current partner was very upset, gave me a new set of stressful rules, and I got a bit lost navigating all these things.

I came back from this holiday all happy and wanting even more. My current bf is not happy again. I feel I don't have the space and freedom I'd like, to do this in the way I want with the new guy. I feel I less care about my main partner. And he's trying so hard, bombarding me with love, stating that old things changed and he's finally working on his shit.

I'd like to host Summer Romance at my place now. My bf got really upset, not wanting all our friends to know and see him, as HE wants to be the social partner. I'd like to go away with Summer Romance again in summer for longer, but I'm afraid that the bf won't let me. He says I can talk to him about stuff, but then when I do, he gets angry. Says sorry after, but hey, its done.

I'm having doom thoughts and feelings, like this old relationship is not good for me and I should end it. I do get lots of nice things from it though, like stability, support, care. But I don't feel motivation to give all the care back, having my head around the other boy and the things which were bad in this relationship. I don't want to be a horrible person and use him. I want to follow my heart and do what I want, but also be smart in it. I'm not sure if this relationship is serving me anymore, but don't know if I have enough strength to end it, as bf convincing is very strong. The other boy is also far away, but it's so surprising how natural and balanced things feel with him.

I don't know how much of this is my old monogamous wiring, how much is NRE and how much is what I really want, separate of this all. How does it look for you? Should I make any actions? What should I do?

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

It sounds like you want more of a "full poly" relationship and he wants something more like an "open relationship". You just want different things and I have a feeling that this isn't just NRE. This is a philosophical choice about what type of relationships will work best for you.

 

[Marmelade]

It sounds like you want more of a "full poly" relationship and he wants something more like an "open relationship". You just want different things and I have a feeling that this isn't just NRE. This is a philosophical choice about what type of relationships will work best for you.

Oh, interesting. Yeah, that's possible. But I don't have enough experience beside monogamy to judge this clearly. Maybe it's going back to old safe, or maybe I just need different and the romance showed me this. If bf would agree for my freedom maybe I wouldn't have this thoughts. But I also want the most of a summer romance (which is long distance).

 

[Magdlyn]

If your "primary" bf only wants casual sexual relationships, and you want full-on poly, with emotions involved, you two are incompatible. If he can accept your way, and you can accept his way of going, then that's fine. But it sounds like he's trying to impose all of his "rules" for behavior onto you, and they don't suit you. You went along with it because he's had more experience with open relationships. But that doesn't mean his way is the only and right way to go about things.

You might arm yourself by reading a good book about polyamory/open relationships, such as the book Opening Up. It covers open r'ships in general, as well as swinging and polyamory. You can establish your own boundaries, what YOU will and will not agree to do. There is no need for "rules." There are needs for personal boundaries, and negotiated agreements. (Generally, using safer sex is the only non-negotiable agreement.) Your bf doesn't get to dictate how you relate to others, how you feel about others, how and when and what kind of sex you have with others.

He might not be comfortable with you going off with brand new Summer Romance guy for several long holidays of 2 week's duration each. What kind of care would he want before, during and after your getaways, so that he can feel secure in your relationship? Taking vacations with a newer partner is generally something couples have to work out. They can be challenging.

 

[GalaGirl]

Sounds like BF wants "open for casual sex" where you want "full polyamory."

He treats me seriously and even wanted to get married (because of love, and I think because of wanting it to be safe to open).

Safe for him because harder for you to leave him if married?

It scared me totally and I thought we should not be together. But it somehow dissolved and we stayed. This relationship has many strong ups and downs, lots of emotions, from very happy to great anger (which makes me feel it might be a bit toxic...).

If you think this is toxic? Check if this is even a healthy relationship.

https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf

It doesn't sound great to me.

Well, recently on another holiday, my summer romance exploded to crazy NRE with a person who gave me all the things which I was missing: the easiness, calmness, playfulness, chill and positivity.

Sounds like you learned relationships could be BETTER than what you normally get from BF. You don't have to put up with meh or toxic stuff.

And now that your eyes have opened to this, maybe BF doesn't like it?

I feel I less care about my main partner. And he's trying so hard, bombarding me with love, stating that old things changed and he's finally working on his shit.

What? He's only NOW started doing basic relationship things, fixing old problems, and stepping up? After you met someone new who treats you well from the start? And you got a taste of what that would be like?

You don't find that odd? Like he's only doing this stuff to keep you here?

I'd like to host Summer Romance at my place now. My bf got really upset, not wanting all our friends to know and see him, as HE wants to be the social partner. I'd like to go away with Summer Romance again in summer for longer, but I'm afraid that the bf won't let me. He says I can talk to him about stuff, but then when I do, he gets angry. Says sorry after, but hey, its done.

This BF sure wants to boss you around a lot. And gets scary mad from the sound of it. Where is the pleasure in this relationship? BF sounds like a drag. Very controlling.

Why can't you say you are poly and have 2 BFs? Why can't you host whoever you want in your own place? Why can't you tell your friends about SummerRomance if you want to?

I'm having doom thoughts and feelings, like this old relationship is not good for me and I should end it.

I think you call it right. End it. Move on to practice poly how YOU want to be doing it.

That is my suggestion.

It may or may not pan out with SummerRomance. Remains to be seen.

But it doesn't sound healthy or great with this BF even before Summer Romance. It is ok to outgrow things.

Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. You get to decide what you will and will not put up with.

So if this BF is doing less than great behaviors? Becoming toxic or is already toxic? Bow out. You don't have to put up with it.

Galagirl

 

[Evie]

I'm having doom thoughts and feelings, like this old relationship is not good for me and I should end it.

These kind of thoughts should be listened to. It's not doom, it's you becoming aware that this relationship isn't working for you.

I do get lots of nice things from it though, like stability, support, care.

These can be found in other ways and other people.

But I don't feel motivation to give all the care back, having my head around the other boy and the things which were bad in this relationship.

You've been shown how a relationship could be, and you like that way of being better, one without the toxic fights and excessive rules.

I don't want to be a horrible person and use him. I want to follow my heart and do what I want, but also be smart in it. I'm not sure if this relationship is serving me anymore, but don't know if I have enough strength to end it, as bf convincing is very strong.

Do you need help leaving? Can you enlist family, friends, a support agency?

The other boy is also far away, but it's so surprising how natural and balanced things feel with him.

Again, you have glimpsed how a relationship could be. How a different person/personality meshes with your own. This isn't to say you should leave S for Summer Romance, but consider the possibilities beyond what life is with S. Be that full poly, or a relationship that simply isn't full of ups and downs, fights and apologies.

You've begun wishing for a different life, the next step is to make it happen.

 

[LoveBunny]

I'm seeing this differently than the others above. I'm unconvinced that your need here is to be more freely poly. It sounds as if you are NOT in love with 2 men.

Poly was your bf's thing, originally, and as you've said, "It's been difficult to accept his way." Perhaps your feelings with Summer Romance are shining light on all the things you're missing at home, or, as you said, "I don't feel motivation to give all the care back, having my head around the other boy and the things which were bad in this relationship."

It sounds to me like your feelings for Summer Romance have eclipsed your feelings for boyfriend. It's ok to be monogamous by orientation, to have room for only one man at a time, if that's your inclination. Perhaps Summer Romance is your catalyst to leave the bf and pursue whatever you decide is your relationship style.

I'm not suggesting that you should necessarily pursue monogamy with Summer guy. It's easy to get caught up in the new lover who you don't live with or share bills with, when it's all lust and vacation and fun. And I'm guessing being with him full-time isn't an option, given the long distance? But whatever is missing in your relationship with boyfriend, be it freedom to be poly, or freedom to just relax into a relationship with one sweetie, it has become pressing enough that it sounds like you're going to have difficulty staying with bf.

I wish you luck whatever you decide!

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Marmelade,

You certainly have strong NRE for your Summer Romance. NRE can sometimes convince us to neglect our original partner, and you already had problems in your relationship with your Current Boyfriend. This does not mean you have to stop dating Summer Romance; if anything, that relationship might be shining a light on the cracks in your relationship with your Current Boyfriend. Maybe it even tells you what you've been missing out on, and gives you the strength to break up with your Current Boyfriend, if that's what things come to. And they may not come to that, maybe your Current Boyfriend will come to accept you just as you really are.

You don't have to leave your Current Boyfriend right this minute, but you do need to start evaluating your relationship with him, and getting a clear idea that it's a bad relationship for you, and even a bad relationship for him. He does not like your relationship with Summer Romance. Is it even good for him (Current Boyfriend) to be in a relationship with you? Ending a relationship is always hard, and in this case it may be up to you to do it.

Sorry you're experiencing these difficulties.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Marmelade]

Oh wow. Thank you, everyone, for this! I think there are some really good points in what everyone is saying. Thank you for the different perspectives and showing what I might've missed and that my thoughts about all this are valid. Thank you for the support. ❤ Very helpful. ❤
Lots of love ❤

 

[Bobbi]

partner is very charming and good with words

Actions speak louder than words. When actions don’t match words, then the relationship might have become manipulative or even abusive. Many people stay in abusive relationships because of smooth talkers that say the right thing.

It scared me totally and I thought we should not be together

You should listen to your instincts.

He told me the rules we should have are:

Why is HE instituting rules? It's clear he did not have your consent, as you don’t agree with his rules. Controlling.

NRE with a person who gave me all the things which I was missing: the easiness, calmness, playfulness, chill and positivity

Yeah, NRE can do that. You’ve got a taste of what it feels like to have a happy relationship. It is NRE though and you won’t know the true nature of Summer Romance until that goes away and things get real.

Is Summer Romance poly? This could be a good poly partner for you if you are enjoying him. You could date more locally to have connections when you two are apart. Just a thought.

Current partner was very upset, gave me a new set of stressful rules

He can be upset. But giving you new rules is trying to control you. No consent.

bombarding me with love, stating that old things changed and he's finally working on his shit

Sounds like he’s switching his controlling behavior to love bombing.

I'd like to go away with Summer Romance again in summer for longer, but I'm afraid that the bf won't let me.

Won’t let you? Why does he need to let you? You are an adult and can choose what you do with your time and whom you spend it with. Again, controlling.

I'm having doom thoughts and feelings, like this old relationship is not good for me and I should end it. I do get lots of nice things from it though, like stability, support, care.

Its' not good for you, and you know it. The good things don't matter because the unhappiness caused by the bad will destroy you, if you let it continue.

Regardless of behavior, you want different things and just aren’t compatible. Love is NOT all you need and love does NOT conquer all.

The nice thing is, you don’t need to tell him all the things about him that make you unhappy. You two are not compatible in what you want. If he disagrees, then tell him you don’t agree with the rules he forced on you without your consent. See if you can discuss and come to a consensus on new agreements. You can discuss that he wants sex only, and you want loving relationships, that he doesn’t want friends to know and you want to share partners with your friends. He doesn’t want you hosting guests at your home, you want to host anyone you want in your home. (This assumes you aren’t living together. If you are, then there needs to be some compromise.)

It doesn’t need to be a fight about who is right, just an eye-opening conversation that you both want very different things and are not compatible.