So I have posted a couple times here and read allot of the other post to get advice, but I’m at a lost. For those new here I’ll give a back story and catch you all up to date.
3 years ago my wife was an alcoholic and meet a guy from our church who was also a recovering alcoholic 18 years sober while on a church retreat. He convinced her that she was also and to seek help. She was hiding her drinking from me and I had no clue how much she was drinking. Well this lead to a friendship between church guy and her. In my gut I didn’t like the way this was going, She was always saying that they are friends and not to worry. So I put my jealousy aside and let them go to AA meetings together. This all started in the May/June timeframe. I was thankful for church guy for helping my wife with her issues and even invited him to a Major league Baseball game. So around august I decided that I also needed a group to talk about what was happening with my life and alcohol. I knew my wife went to this one AA chat group online. She had meet her sponsor there, Dave. He was in England and had just finished the 12 steps and was one year sober. She was making good progress with her steps and she was staying sober. Once again she told me not to worry. I was hoping they had an AL-Anon group where I could get help. So I made an account and logged in, Well they didn’t have anything for me, but out of curiosity I did a search for my wife’s name. (I know ethically wrong but I had a gut feeling). In my search I found a post from my wife where she stated she had to leave the chat cause she had a date with her boyfriend. And that she was also in love with one guy while still married and in love with me. At the time I thought it was church guy. So that evening I confronted her about it and found out that she was not in love with church guy but heavily flirting, but in love with Dave her sponsor and loved me didn’t know if she was in love with me.
So I had a lot to think about. I knew her sobriety journey had to come first. I also for some reason was angry with church guy, but not with Dave. I couldn’t explain why I felt this way. I just did. That is when I did a search for what to do when your wife is in love with two people. I came across the site morethentwo which explained Polyamory to me. I did a lot of reading about it and after a week I brought it up to my wife. I told her that she could have Dave in her life. In a Polyamory relationship. They were making great progress in her sobriety and I didn’t feel jealous of him. We dealt with church guy, who I later found out had whispered in my wife’s ear on the way back from the retreat that he loved her and then denied it. So after getting Church guy out of our life and my wife and me talking allot more we were doing good. She had asked to go visit Dave in England. I said yes. This turned into going to see Dave a 3 more time. Everything still seemed ok with our relationship. We were still communicating, still being intimate. Then Dave came right before Covid hit and was stuck here for 3 months. During that time it gave a look at to what it would be like if Dave moved in full time. We got along, did projects together. The only complaint I told my wife was that I felt left out a lot of the time. But I knew this was still NRE. That after a while this would settle down. She said she was sorry about that. Over the next year and a half there were several more trips to see him and my wife was trying to figure out how to get him here. Each time her coming back in tears wondering when she was going to be able to see him again. Not I’m glad to see you. In August of 2021 he came here on a student visa. I tried to give them space to get accustom to the big change. By December things were not going well, I was being left out of things and not being part of things unless it was all three of us. At one point my wife yelled at me cause I tried to hold her hand while watching a tv show. Saying I was being needy. I went to her and told her I was unhappy that I didn’t know if I could do this anymore. She interpreted as I wanted a divorce. When I reality I was referring to Polyamory. We continued to talk and we both need to work on seeing the others needs. That I had no problem with Dave, even though she said I had blown him off or grunted at him when he had talked to me. By the end of the talk I though we ended good.
This good vibe lasted for about till Feb and then another argument over not wanting to do anything with me. This lead to her slowly distancing her self from me. I stayed friendly and did not keep track of what she did with Dave. But it was easy to see that she would go to the store and kids practices with Dave, but when I went to the store or practices I was always by myself. So we went away in July to a concert that I had purchased tickets for back for March. Just the two of us and I hoped this would be a re-connection. The trip was ok, but she was still distant from me. We had another argument of the way back about how our relationship was going. I thought we had resolved stuff, she thought we hadn’t.
So last night I told her I was unhappy with our relationship. That she didn’t want to hold my hand, didn’t want to be intimate, didn’t want to do anything with just me. She said the only thing she could give me was friendship. That things had not been the same with us since I said I wanted a divorce back in December. I told her I never said those words. I said I didn’t know if I could do this anymore. Referring to Polyamory. I said things have not been the same since Dave moved in full time. She then tried to say that do to her surgery that happened a month before Dave moved here her hormones were now different. She said I had a choice that I could be her friend and help take care of the kids and see where things went or we could separate and I could see other people. I told her that I didn’t want a divorce and that was harsh to see you and Dave fight all the time, but you still have desire to be with him. She just came back with the same answer. I left with telling her we could be friends.
I can’t help but feel that I have been used. That I opened my heart to something new and was taken advantage of. I have been married to my wife for 22 years and she is everything to me. But hearing that she can only offer me friendship is hard. I have no clue what will happen when Dave finished this year of School and can’t get a work Visa and has to move back to England. I do know I can’t go back to the back and forth. I also don’t know if living together as friends for the kids how that will pan out.
3 years ago my wife was an alcoholic and meet a guy from our church who was also a recovering alcoholic 18 years sober while on a church retreat. He convinced her that she was also and to seek help. She was hiding her drinking from me and I had no clue how much she was drinking. Well this lead to a friendship between church guy and her. In my gut I didn’t like the way this was going, She was always saying that they are friends and not to worry. So I put my jealousy aside and let them go to AA meetings together. This all started in the May/June timeframe. I was thankful for church guy for helping my wife with her issues and even invited him to a Major league Baseball game. So around august I decided that I also needed a group to talk about what was happening with my life and alcohol. I knew my wife went to this one AA chat group online. She had meet her sponsor there, Dave. He was in England and had just finished the 12 steps and was one year sober. She was making good progress with her steps and she was staying sober. Once again she told me not to worry. I was hoping they had an AL-Anon group where I could get help. So I made an account and logged in, Well they didn’t have anything for me, but out of curiosity I did a search for my wife’s name. (I know ethically wrong but I had a gut feeling). In my search I found a post from my wife where she stated she had to leave the chat cause she had a date with her boyfriend. And that she was also in love with one guy while still married and in love with me. At the time I thought it was church guy. So that evening I confronted her about it and found out that she was not in love with church guy but heavily flirting, but in love with Dave her sponsor and loved me didn’t know if she was in love with me.
So I had a lot to think about. I knew her sobriety journey had to come first. I also for some reason was angry with church guy, but not with Dave. I couldn’t explain why I felt this way. I just did. That is when I did a search for what to do when your wife is in love with two people. I came across the site morethentwo which explained Polyamory to me. I did a lot of reading about it and after a week I brought it up to my wife. I told her that she could have Dave in her life. In a Polyamory relationship. They were making great progress in her sobriety and I didn’t feel jealous of him. We dealt with church guy, who I later found out had whispered in my wife’s ear on the way back from the retreat that he loved her and then denied it. So after getting Church guy out of our life and my wife and me talking allot more we were doing good. She had asked to go visit Dave in England. I said yes. This turned into going to see Dave a 3 more time. Everything still seemed ok with our relationship. We were still communicating, still being intimate. Then Dave came right before Covid hit and was stuck here for 3 months. During that time it gave a look at to what it would be like if Dave moved in full time. We got along, did projects together. The only complaint I told my wife was that I felt left out a lot of the time. But I knew this was still NRE. That after a while this would settle down. She said she was sorry about that. Over the next year and a half there were several more trips to see him and my wife was trying to figure out how to get him here. Each time her coming back in tears wondering when she was going to be able to see him again. Not I’m glad to see you. In August of 2021 he came here on a student visa. I tried to give them space to get accustom to the big change. By December things were not going well, I was being left out of things and not being part of things unless it was all three of us. At one point my wife yelled at me cause I tried to hold her hand while watching a tv show. Saying I was being needy. I went to her and told her I was unhappy that I didn’t know if I could do this anymore. She interpreted as I wanted a divorce. When I reality I was referring to Polyamory. We continued to talk and we both need to work on seeing the others needs. That I had no problem with Dave, even though she said I had blown him off or grunted at him when he had talked to me. By the end of the talk I though we ended good.
This good vibe lasted for about till Feb and then another argument over not wanting to do anything with me. This lead to her slowly distancing her self from me. I stayed friendly and did not keep track of what she did with Dave. But it was easy to see that she would go to the store and kids practices with Dave, but when I went to the store or practices I was always by myself. So we went away in July to a concert that I had purchased tickets for back for March. Just the two of us and I hoped this would be a re-connection. The trip was ok, but she was still distant from me. We had another argument of the way back about how our relationship was going. I thought we had resolved stuff, she thought we hadn’t.
So last night I told her I was unhappy with our relationship. That she didn’t want to hold my hand, didn’t want to be intimate, didn’t want to do anything with just me. She said the only thing she could give me was friendship. That things had not been the same with us since I said I wanted a divorce back in December. I told her I never said those words. I said I didn’t know if I could do this anymore. Referring to Polyamory. I said things have not been the same since Dave moved in full time. She then tried to say that do to her surgery that happened a month before Dave moved here her hormones were now different. She said I had a choice that I could be her friend and help take care of the kids and see where things went or we could separate and I could see other people. I told her that I didn’t want a divorce and that was harsh to see you and Dave fight all the time, but you still have desire to be with him. She just came back with the same answer. I left with telling her we could be friends.
I can’t help but feel that I have been used. That I opened my heart to something new and was taken advantage of. I have been married to my wife for 22 years and she is everything to me. But hearing that she can only offer me friendship is hard. I have no clue what will happen when Dave finished this year of School and can’t get a work Visa and has to move back to England. I do know I can’t go back to the back and forth. I also don’t know if living together as friends for the kids how that will pan out.