Hello new friends,
My partner and I have lived together and had a very serious in theory open relationship for 6 years. In practice we have been monogamous until very recently. My partner slept with someone for three weeks last year while he was on an extended trip and didn't tell me until after the fact and we had reunited with sex. It was shocking, and I felt a bit violated, but he apologised extensively, we clarified our new boundaries, and we moved on. When this year we realised things weren't working in the relationship and especially sexually.. I thought obviously I should use this open relationship.
I met a new partner very quickly and we were meeting for dates and having sex. My partner was extremely triggered. Not sleeping for days, completely physically out of order. I insisted that I needed to do this for me and for the relationship to prosper. I did everything to our agreement we made before. Eventually this relationship ended bc the match anyway wasn't great. But sex with my partner improved tremendously, I think bc of new input and I had developed a lot sexually. My partner insisted that his trigger had everything to do with me sleeping with someone while the relationship was in conflict, not simply that I had slept with someone.
Now the relationship with my partner has totally rebonded. We were working on our things, but things FELT better. We spoke about the open relationship and it really seemed like a thing he and I both wanted. I met an old friend, I years before had a crush on, but my partner and I at that time had mostly been monogamous.. and.. well with my new "boyfriend" its fantastic.
With my parter is doing once again horribly. We are speaking for HOURS, he is triggered, and I can't calm him down. He needs to have sex with me in order to calm himself down and reestablish the bond. I can't possibly have sex after being so weighed down for so many hours. I am exhausted. He is further triggered. He also INSISTS that he wants me to do this with my new boyfriend. He has always had the fantasy to have this kind of relationship. But whenever I leave to see my new boyfriend he is in a horrific place. Honestly.. I feel relieved to go, and escape the heaviness.
I want to see my new boyfriend twice a week. My partner wants me to wait for himself to reestablish and ground before I go out again. But I feel resentful when I want to see my boyfriend and my partner says.. no.
.. I feel so horrible that I want something that hurts my partner so much. I feel like a complete slut for sleeping with all of these men. I don't want to wait until my partner is okay, I just want to do what I want! But I also love my partner and don't want to hurt him.
I wish my partner would just be more secure about our attachment, especially when he says he WANTS the open relationship so much. But I can't force someone to be more secure.
Tonight I have to text my boyfriend and say I can't see him tomorrow like we had wanted. I probably won't share the reason: my partner needs a few more days. I feel sad I can't see my boyfriend. I feel controlled by my partner. I feel guilty that I feel controlled by my partner.
... are any of these themes similar for you guys?
Best,
kale
My partner and I have lived together and had a very serious in theory open relationship for 6 years. In practice we have been monogamous until very recently. My partner slept with someone for three weeks last year while he was on an extended trip and didn't tell me until after the fact and we had reunited with sex. It was shocking, and I felt a bit violated, but he apologised extensively, we clarified our new boundaries, and we moved on. When this year we realised things weren't working in the relationship and especially sexually.. I thought obviously I should use this open relationship.
I met a new partner very quickly and we were meeting for dates and having sex. My partner was extremely triggered. Not sleeping for days, completely physically out of order. I insisted that I needed to do this for me and for the relationship to prosper. I did everything to our agreement we made before. Eventually this relationship ended bc the match anyway wasn't great. But sex with my partner improved tremendously, I think bc of new input and I had developed a lot sexually. My partner insisted that his trigger had everything to do with me sleeping with someone while the relationship was in conflict, not simply that I had slept with someone.
Now the relationship with my partner has totally rebonded. We were working on our things, but things FELT better. We spoke about the open relationship and it really seemed like a thing he and I both wanted. I met an old friend, I years before had a crush on, but my partner and I at that time had mostly been monogamous.. and.. well with my new "boyfriend" its fantastic.
With my parter is doing once again horribly. We are speaking for HOURS, he is triggered, and I can't calm him down. He needs to have sex with me in order to calm himself down and reestablish the bond. I can't possibly have sex after being so weighed down for so many hours. I am exhausted. He is further triggered. He also INSISTS that he wants me to do this with my new boyfriend. He has always had the fantasy to have this kind of relationship. But whenever I leave to see my new boyfriend he is in a horrific place. Honestly.. I feel relieved to go, and escape the heaviness.
I want to see my new boyfriend twice a week. My partner wants me to wait for himself to reestablish and ground before I go out again. But I feel resentful when I want to see my boyfriend and my partner says.. no.
.. I feel so horrible that I want something that hurts my partner so much. I feel like a complete slut for sleeping with all of these men. I don't want to wait until my partner is okay, I just want to do what I want! But I also love my partner and don't want to hurt him.
I wish my partner would just be more secure about our attachment, especially when he says he WANTS the open relationship so much. But I can't force someone to be more secure.
Tonight I have to text my boyfriend and say I can't see him tomorrow like we had wanted. I probably won't share the reason: my partner needs a few more days. I feel sad I can't see my boyfriend. I feel controlled by my partner. I feel guilty that I feel controlled by my partner.
... are any of these themes similar for you guys?
Best,
kale