Partner dying with jealousy. Me dying with guilt.

[kaylee_]

Hello new friends,

My partner and I have lived together and had a very serious in theory open relationship for 6 years. In practice we have been monogamous until very recently. My partner slept with someone for three weeks last year while he was on an extended trip and didn't tell me until after the fact and we had reunited with sex. It was shocking, and I felt a bit violated, but he apologised extensively, we clarified our new boundaries, and we moved on. When this year we realised things weren't working in the relationship and especially sexually.. I thought obviously I should use this open relationship.

I met a new partner very quickly and we were meeting for dates and having sex. My partner was extremely triggered. Not sleeping for days, completely physically out of order. I insisted that I needed to do this for me and for the relationship to prosper. I did everything to our agreement we made before. Eventually this relationship ended bc the match anyway wasn't great. But sex with my partner improved tremendously, I think bc of new input and I had developed a lot sexually. My partner insisted that his trigger had everything to do with me sleeping with someone while the relationship was in conflict, not simply that I had slept with someone.

Now the relationship with my partner has totally rebonded. We were working on our things, but things FELT better. We spoke about the open relationship and it really seemed like a thing he and I both wanted. I met an old friend, I years before had a crush on, but my partner and I at that time had mostly been monogamous.. and.. well with my new "boyfriend" its fantastic.

With my parter is doing once again horribly. We are speaking for HOURS, he is triggered, and I can't calm him down. He needs to have sex with me in order to calm himself down and reestablish the bond. I can't possibly have sex after being so weighed down for so many hours. I am exhausted. He is further triggered. He also INSISTS that he wants me to do this with my new boyfriend. He has always had the fantasy to have this kind of relationship. But whenever I leave to see my new boyfriend he is in a horrific place. Honestly.. I feel relieved to go, and escape the heaviness.

I want to see my new boyfriend twice a week. My partner wants me to wait for himself to reestablish and ground before I go out again. But I feel resentful when I want to see my boyfriend and my partner says.. no.

.. I feel so horrible that I want something that hurts my partner so much. I feel like a complete slut for sleeping with all of these men. I don't want to wait until my partner is okay, I just want to do what I want! But I also love my partner and don't want to hurt him.

I wish my partner would just be more secure about our attachment, especially when he says he WANTS the open relationship so much. But I can't force someone to be more secure.

Tonight I have to text my boyfriend and say I can't see him tomorrow like we had wanted. I probably won't share the reason: my partner needs a few more days. I feel sad I can't see my boyfriend. I feel controlled by my partner. I feel guilty that I feel controlled by my partner.

... are any of these themes similar for you guys?

Best,
kale

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello new friends,

My partner and I have lived together and had a very serious, in theory open, relationship for 6 years.

Let's give your primary partner a nickname for clarity. I'll use the name Fred, but you can change it, of course.

In practice, we have been monogamous until very recently. Fred slept with someone for three weeks last year while he was on an extended trip, and didn't tell me until after the fact, and we had reunited with sex. It was shocking. I felt a bit violated.

That was very untransparent of him. Obviously he felt guilty and actually, doing this is cheating. Especially since he had sex with you before he told you. Ugh.

But he apologised extensively. We clarified our new boundaries and moved on. When this year we realised things weren't working in the relationship, especially sexually, I thought obviously I should use this open relationship.

Hmm, not so obvious. I guess you've learned by now that polyamory works best for a couple when their own relationship is solid. Opening up reveals all the cracks in the primary relationship. Sometimes you may even think you're solid, but opening up reveals you really aren't.

I met a new partner...

Let's call him Joe.

very quickly. We were meeting for dates and sex. Fred was extremely triggered, not sleeping for days, completely physically out of order. I insisted that I needed to do this for me and for the relationship to prosper. I did everything according to the agreement we'd made before.

Quite often, what you work out in theory doesn't work as well in reality, and adjustments need to be made. It is kind to enter into a new relationship in a newly open primary relationship slowly, to have time to renegotiate arrangements and expectations. You seem to get carried away with NRE for a new partner, and for poly in general, and just expect Fred to suck it up.

And when he did it, he kept it from you for weeks.

Eventually this relationship with Joe ended bc the match wasn't great anyway. But sex with Fred improved tremendously, I think bc of new input and I had developed a lot sexually. Fred insisted that his trigger had everything to do with me sleeping with someone while the relationship was in conflict, not simply that I had slept with someone.

That's going to make it harder, for sure. It's not fair to anyone to use a new partner as a band-aid on a struggling primary r'ship.

Now the relationship with Fred has totally rebonded. We were working on our things, but things FELT better. We spoke about the open relationship and it really seemed like a thing he and I both wanted. I met an old friend, [Matt], who I'd had a crush on years before, but Fred and I at that time had mostly been monogamous. With my new "boyfriend" Matt, it's fantastic.

With Fred, we are once again doing horribly. We are speaking for HOURS, he is triggered, and I can't calm him down.

Make a note: it's best to keep difficult talks to one hour, tops. Don't try to talk when you're tired, or hungry, or overwhelmed with emotions. Take a break. Try to keep the talks to once a day, tops. Take some days off from talking about hard issues and just do things that are more relaxed, like a date outside the house of some kind.

He needs to have sex with me in order to calm himself down and reestablish the bond. I can't possibly have sex after being so weighed down for so many hours.

If he doesn't feel bonded until he has sex, that's OK. You're not required to have sex with him just to make HIM feel better.

I am exhausted. He is further triggered. He also INSISTS that he wants me to do this with Matt [keep dating Matt]. He has always had the fantasy to have this kind of relationship. But whenever I leave to see Matt, Fred is in a horrific place.

Fantasy does not equal reality. It seems like Fred may have abandonment issues that are battling with his sexual fantasies.

Honestly, I feel relieved to go, and escape the heaviness.

You could go out with platonic friends, or alone, and not run to the new and shiny bf Matt when Fred is literally going crazy.

I want to see Matt twice a week.

But is that kind to Fred? Maybe keep it to once a week for a couple of months. And set up limits for phone calls, texts, etc. Don't be talking to Matt 24/7 and neglecting Fred. But again, try to do non-stressful more fun things with Fred too, so he doesn't feel displaced. No one wants to feel like a villain or the wet blanket. If you want to keep Fred, be respectful of his needs too.

If you're tired of Fred, well, that's a different kettle of fish.

Fred wants me to wait for him to reestablish and ground before I go out again. But I feel resentful when I want to see my boyfriend and Fred says no.

Fred is not your dad, teacher, doctor, authority. But do you want to show respect and caring for him, or are you just done with considering his needs and rather be single? Good polyamory practice includes the joyful consent of all. Being poly in theory for six years did not prepare either of you for really doing it. You both did it/are doing it badly, frankly.

I feel so horrible that I want something that hurts Fred so much. I feel like a complete slut for sleeping with all of these men.

It's only been two men. That doesn't make you a slut. Or it does make you a slut, if you insist. But you can be an Ethical Slut (that's the name of an old polyamory book, in fact.) We can reclaim the word slut to mean an empowered woman (or man) who has made arrangements to have multiple ethical r'ships.

I don't want to wait until Fred is okay. I just want to do what I want! But I also love Fred and don't want to hurt him.

This is why you must learn to control your NRE. It can make us insane and obsessed with our idealized newer partner. But that's just hormones and rose-colored glasses.

I wish Fred would just be more secure about our attachment, especially when he says he WANTS the open relationship so much. But I can't force someone to be more secure.

It's OK to wish for something. I hear you.

Tonight I have to text Joe and say I can't see him tomorrow like we had wanted. I probably won't share the reason: Fred needs a few more days.

In a poly relationship, you shouldn't blame your primary for not going to see your new one. This is a shared agreement you made with Fred. You're making the choice to remain with Fred, so do it. Be a good friend.

I feel sad I can't see Joe. I feel controlled by Fred. I feel guilty that I feel controlled by Fred.

Are any of these themes similar for you guys?

Sure, very common. Try reading the book Opening Up, to get more insight into how to deal with your conflicting emotions and move ahead with less conflict. Also, Fred is in "poly hell" right now. Read this:

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I have to say no.

It's pretty obvious that even if he does want an open relationship, he doesn't want the same type that you do.

You're also not compatible as a monogamous couple.

I fail to see the benefit to either of you staying in this. Sounds pretty toxic.

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome.

I don't know if this helps you any. FWIW? I think this.

With my parter is doing once again horribly. We are speaking for HOURS, he is triggered, and I can't calm him down. He needs to have sex with me in order to calm himself down and reestablish the bond. I can't possibly have sex after being so weighed down for so many hours. I am exhausted. He is further triggered.

He expects you to be what? A sex dispensing machine or sex pacifier or something? I think he's got to figure out ways to cope on his own.

He also INSISTS that he wants me to do this with my new boyfriend. He has always had the fantasy to have this kind of relationship.

A mere WILLING to go there doesn't automatically mean ABLE to do it. He might have skills he needs to grow work on.

But whenever I leave to see my new boyfriend he is in a horrific place. Honestly.. I feel relieved to go, and escape the heaviness.

Well, do you even want to be with this partner still? What work did you all do on the cheating? Is he kind of a drag with opening up the relationship? Like you expected SOME challenge, but this is just too much? And like you have to do all the heavy lifting? Do all the emotional labor for him?

I want to see my new boyfriend twice a week. My partner wants me to wait for himself to reestablish and ground before I go out again. But I feel resentful when I want to see my boyfriend and my partner says.. no.

So who is in charge of your calendar? You or your established partner "Fred?"

.. I feel so horrible that I want something that hurts my partner so much. I feel like a complete slut for sleeping with all of these men. I don't want to wait until my partner is okay, I just want to do what I want! But I also love my partner and don't want to hurt him.

Your partner seems to want to do open/poly without actually having done the work so he's hurting himself.

You aren't a slut for sharing sex when you want to.

If you two are going to continue with open/poly, I think you need to tell your partner that you aren't gonna hurt him on purpose, but you also aren't gonna coddle him every time. He needs to find ways to cope on his own. You cannot be his crutch. And you plan to date your new potentials as you see fit. And would like a regular date time with Fred as well. He has to learn to share your time and attention. He doesn't get a monopoly on it.

I wish my partner would just be more secure about our attachment, especially when he says he WANTS the open relationship so much. But I can't force someone to be more secure.

Well, what work is he gonna do on that? Read books? Seek counseling? Something else? In the 6 years... what WAS he doing to prepare?

Otherwise, you might have to call it. You are ready to move on to practicing open/poly and he is not.

He says he is, he wants to think he is, but he is actually NOT.

And then you decide if you want to move on without him and part ways. Or if you want to close back up and wait for him to do more of the work.

Either way? It can stop being this "stop and go" or "fits and starts" thing for you.

Tonight I have to text my boyfriend and say I can't see him tomorrow like we had wanted. I probably won't share the reason: my partner needs a few more days. I feel sad I can't see my boyfriend. I feel controlled by my partner. I feel guilty that I feel controlled by my partner.

I'd just keep the date. Then I would evaluate if I'll be slowing down making new ones. Like once a week in person rather than twice a week. Or one in person and one online date.

But that's me.

Unless an emergency? I prefer to keep dates in the order made.

I get Fred is uncomfortable, but it doesn't sound like emergency level to me. Is it?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings kaylee_,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
In case it would help, here are some links on jealousy:

• What If I Get Jealous?
• Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Perhaps at least one of those might help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[Magdlyn]

You say you want to be poly, which would mean every partner has joyfully and with informed consent, agreed to seeing multiple partners. You're happy to be free to date Joe, to date Matt, and whoever else strikes your fancy.

But Fred is struggling with being left home when you go out with Matt. I agree he has to do some work. I don't necessarily agree a breakup is imminent or the best advice (as GG seems to be recommending), but we'll see.

What come to my mind is that you might feel the shoe on the other foot were Fred to start dating someone. You have not shown you are ready for that challenge. Sure, he had a 3 week vacation romance that he hid from you until after he got back. But kale, you don't know how you'd feel if Fred started dating someone locally and regularly. Generally, it's a lot more fun to be the partner with 2 partners. But once your primary starts dating, you might have some of the same issues Fred currently is having.