I hope you feel better for airing out some. I am sorry you struggle.
You are not a deviant for wanting something different. Be up front about wanting ethical non-mongamy and not wanting to cheat any more.
It's like you made her the "owner" of all the tasks, but then get upset she's "slow." What tasks were you responsible for in the shared undertaking of "opening up the marriage?"
I'm not sure I can wait for her. I might remove the E in ENM cause she's taking too long! I don't want to, but im seriously feeling depressed, anxious, plainly fucked up inside. I NEED TO RELEASE!!!
Have you told her that you are about to pop? You could print your original post and hand it to her to read.
2 years ago she told me she would rather us have a 3some than me cheat. I have not cheated since. At that point, she swore she was 100% straight, so I didn't feel comfortable making that request. I know I wouldn't have sex with a guy to satisfy her, so why should I subject her to that?
Threesomes are not "the answer." Glad you see that.
I have shown her tons of women, but our preferences are different and she's declined 99% of them.
Another reason for each of your to seek your own other partners then. Rather than trying to pick one to suit both. You have different tastes.
You tried her way for the last month -- this date together thing. It is not panning out. And it really isn't a good idea anyway for couples to unicorn hunt.
Could tell her you are moving on to the next logical step -- dating separate. And you want to have a conversation about it. When is a good appointment time? And shall you schedule with a poly friendly counselor to help guide the talks and keep your both accountable to your tasks in the "opening up"process?
Because maybe that's what been missing. If you can't move it along by yourselves, you need a counselor to help move it along and point out when people are not doing their tasks, not thinking things out well, etc.
Because sometimes a couple can make a PLAN to deal with one thing. But struggle to make a STRATEGY which is a collection of plans to address many moving parts. So professional help might be a worthwhile investment if you want to come through this still married.
How do I encourage her to move this process along without being too pushy and without causing her insecurities to flare?
I grey out the part that is not in your control. Whatever feelings bubble up for her? That's her emotional management to do.
You are trying to do a new thing here -- not cheat any more and be more up front.
So be polite and up front, but firm. You don't have to be pushy or asshole about it. It can be kind but FIRM.
However, she won't let me play alone and says it must be with her. And we are in this pickle.
She is not your boss or mommy. She doesn't "Let you."
What stops you from saying something like
"I need to make you aware. I tried your way for a month and it's not moving along. We also have different tastes and you shoot down what I suggest. I feel frustrated. So let's say we tried that dating together thing already and move on to the next logical step. Dating separate. You find and date your people on your side. I find and date people on my side.
I'd like to make new agreements to date separately. When can we talk about agreements around that? Can we set a time to talk?
And do you want me to schedule a poly counselor to help us talk? I am willing to own that part of the job."
None of that above is being mean or pushy or nasty to her. You can shape it how you like.
But take charge of your own life more.
Tell her you have waited as long as you can, and you'd like to move it forward. You already gave her way a fair shake and it's not panning out for the reasons you list above.
And while waiting for the appointment time with counselor to arrive? You could read together or on your own. There's lots of links but maybe start here.
Then move on to others in
Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com
New Book Review by Kathy Labriola: 177 Lovers and Counting: My Life as a Sex Researcher by Dr. Leanna Wolfe Click Here_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Consensual
www.kathylabriola.com
They are broken on the Opening Up website but available with wayback machine
In case they help you... all the sheets from the
Opening Up Book for your talking with spouse.
Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships
Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist
Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change
Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation
You know why? Because that's easy to see progress. You read the thing or did not read the thing to help prepare. Cross off list. Show the counselor.
She read the thing or did not read the thing to help prepare. Cross off list. Show the counselor.
You sound like you want to see some MOVEMENT on this. Not just her aimless seeming poking around on dating websites for both. Take back the responsibility of finding your own dates for yourself. Take back responsibility for doing your fair share of the work.
Cuz you sound like you are willing to go slow, so long as an actual "Open" date is set and you can see some
actual preparation steps being taken toward that date.
Like a 6 mos to a year out so you can both read and prepare, make separate accounts for dating money, safer sex agreements, and all the "setting up" stuff you have to do. Which might include some individual therapy or couple therapy depending on what you each need in your situation.
You might be willing to clock some more time doing preparation because now there is an actual STRATEGY to it.
And it is no longer like waiting "forever" kicking it down the road to "someday" and the "someday" never actually comes. That's a recipe for frustration and resentment. And you sound like you already sit at that place.
I could be wrong in my impression. Is that true? You are willing to wait a bit more if there's like ACTUAL preparation strategy, but are getting tired of the "someday never comes" thing?
Its a two way street. We should both be trying to please and if she said she wanted another man, I would work it out with her to make sure she's happy and fulfilled. We only have 1 life to live. I want her to live it to her fullest and I expect the same in return.
This belief of yours might bump into this other belief of yours.
I'm with my wife because I married her and I don't believe in divorce. I believe the grass isn't greener (though it actually could be), we need to water our own grass.
When you cannot have all the things? You may have to answer to the
highest value and let some drop then.
I'm not saying to leap right to divorce. I do gently suggest you think this collection of wants and beliefs over though. How have you been "watering?"
- You don't want to cheat any more.
- You want to practice ENM
- She is like a "gatekeeper" because she doesn't want you to play alone because of her insecurity or whatever(??)
- Or you made her the gatekeeper to assuage past cheating guilt but now regret that (??)
- But then she's also kind foot dragging on seeking other partners, shoots down the ones you suggest, and then you end up pent up and frustrated.
- Because YOU do some foot dragging too and don't tell her "No, thanks. Not doing that any more. I'm moving on to next logical step."
I suggest you keep speaking honestly.
You both may need to do
some detangling.
And if this truly is hitting brick walls over and over and over no matter what you try different even with a poly friendly counselor guiding steps?
Life is not a dress rehearsal. You can't keep yourself here in the squish forever. It doesn't sound great or healthy for you.
You will have to look at your highest values.
And she keeps throwing up walls no matter what logical, next steps you suggest?
Then you may have to accept she is NOT trying to please. You two are NOT compatible for doing ENM together.
And whether or not she wants to live her life to the fullest on her side? You want to be living your life to to fullest on your side. And that ability may have to be through a divorce then. Because there's no other way to get out of the squishy box if she's not wanting to work with you on anything.
I encourage you to do your soul searching and have honest talks with your wife about letting this idea of dating as couple go.
Work on dating separately.
And have the honest divorce talk too. Because while breaking up sucks? It sucks less than going the long way around trying a million wonky things only to end up back on square 1 again.
If she wants one kind of "open" and you want another kind that doesn't match? Part ways amicably so both can pursue open relationships in the styles you prefer with more compatible people rather than banging heads on walls.
Galagirl