endusal
New member
As I mentioned in my intro post, I have been working on coming to terms with my long-term partner forming an intimate attachment to another woman. I think I'm on a good way, though the process has been very messy.
Some history is probably in order. I'll be calling my partner Indaren, and his girlfriend Thelsa.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 15 years. He and Thelsa began seeing each other in early 2017. This is something I encouraged Indaren to go forward with, thinking it would be exciting and invigorating, without much thought about how things could progress. I met Thelsa in spring. We got on well with each other and by summer we were essentially a triad. Not always a smooth ride – there has been jealously, insecurity, dissociation – but we also had some very good, wholesome times.
I maintained an independent friendship with her, too, going out for drinks, talking, supporting each other when drama with Indaren would crop up. However, it was clear that she was much more interested in him. I started stepping back. By September I suggested they meet once a week on their own. Indaren soon pushed for this to become twice a week, and we would hang out all three together on other occasions on top. It was a little too much, too fast for me, and was becoming very unsettled by how things were progressing. I can now tell that they were in the height of NRE. Furthermore, nothing had ever prepared me for an emotional attachment of another person to my partner and it was very hard to deal with. Indaren told me of their amazing sexual compatibility; I felt de-sexualised, domesticized. I started going to therapy. Chronic problems in my relationship with him (codependency, communication troubles, power differential, past traumatic episodes that had never been properly processed) had fully caught up with us. I was buckling under stress. Reaching out to them always helped, but at some point it felt instensely like a sort of Stockholm syndrome.
In retrospect, I understand that both of them were trying take me into consideration but it was hard for Thelsa to contain her feelings on one hand, and Indaren had a large chunk of his attention diverted towards her, was troubled with guilt and worry about mistakes past and present, and was undergoing his own existential crisis. After a couple of breaches, renewed efforts, further breaches and much stress, I stated in very final terms that I could not go on. I was prepared to end things with Indaren and said as much, but perhaps they had more faith in my relationship with him, so it was received like an ultimatum of sending her away. I guess in a sense it was, but I was desperate. This was in end January.
Indaren did not end things up with her. I felt betrayed, dismissed, and sidelined. I was on the verge of breaking up with him, but decided I should not take life-changing decisions when in a turmoil of emotions. I dropped all communication with Thelsa and asked for an essentially very isolated parallel relationship, and very grudgingly so at that. No constant intrusions, no calls, a reliable schedule. This was neither agreed nor brought on smoothly, but with a lot of misunderstandings and drama. I spoke about the situation with two close friends, and received ample support. I kept going to therapy. It took me several weeks of intense journalling, councelling, reading, swinging violently between rage, despair, and hope, bucketfuls of tears, but I was eventually able to process my emotions, patch up the breach with Indaren, improve communication between us (together with his own serious efforts, too), work towards becoming more secure and independent, and very, very recently acknowledge and accept Indaren's relationship with Thelsa without this feeling like a humiliating concession.
I think it's time to patch up with her. It has been two and a half months since we last spoke. I feel she understands enough of my troubles and grievances and acknowledges them. It was only very recently that I became able to consider hers, too. She has suffered from being a captive to whether I was okay with things or not, me running hot and cold, and passive-aggressively trying to extract a hierarchical superiority over her. I want to address such things. She is going through hard times, too, independently of the situation between the three of us.
But I am still a little afraid and fear about bungling things, of possible triggers. I am unsure as to how much to reach out and how much to hold back. So in a sense what I'm asking for is some psyching up, advice, things to look out for, possible holes in how I see the whole situation, and general support.
Thanks!
Some history is probably in order. I'll be calling my partner Indaren, and his girlfriend Thelsa.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 15 years. He and Thelsa began seeing each other in early 2017. This is something I encouraged Indaren to go forward with, thinking it would be exciting and invigorating, without much thought about how things could progress. I met Thelsa in spring. We got on well with each other and by summer we were essentially a triad. Not always a smooth ride – there has been jealously, insecurity, dissociation – but we also had some very good, wholesome times.
I maintained an independent friendship with her, too, going out for drinks, talking, supporting each other when drama with Indaren would crop up. However, it was clear that she was much more interested in him. I started stepping back. By September I suggested they meet once a week on their own. Indaren soon pushed for this to become twice a week, and we would hang out all three together on other occasions on top. It was a little too much, too fast for me, and was becoming very unsettled by how things were progressing. I can now tell that they were in the height of NRE. Furthermore, nothing had ever prepared me for an emotional attachment of another person to my partner and it was very hard to deal with. Indaren told me of their amazing sexual compatibility; I felt de-sexualised, domesticized. I started going to therapy. Chronic problems in my relationship with him (codependency, communication troubles, power differential, past traumatic episodes that had never been properly processed) had fully caught up with us. I was buckling under stress. Reaching out to them always helped, but at some point it felt instensely like a sort of Stockholm syndrome.
In retrospect, I understand that both of them were trying take me into consideration but it was hard for Thelsa to contain her feelings on one hand, and Indaren had a large chunk of his attention diverted towards her, was troubled with guilt and worry about mistakes past and present, and was undergoing his own existential crisis. After a couple of breaches, renewed efforts, further breaches and much stress, I stated in very final terms that I could not go on. I was prepared to end things with Indaren and said as much, but perhaps they had more faith in my relationship with him, so it was received like an ultimatum of sending her away. I guess in a sense it was, but I was desperate. This was in end January.
Indaren did not end things up with her. I felt betrayed, dismissed, and sidelined. I was on the verge of breaking up with him, but decided I should not take life-changing decisions when in a turmoil of emotions. I dropped all communication with Thelsa and asked for an essentially very isolated parallel relationship, and very grudgingly so at that. No constant intrusions, no calls, a reliable schedule. This was neither agreed nor brought on smoothly, but with a lot of misunderstandings and drama. I spoke about the situation with two close friends, and received ample support. I kept going to therapy. It took me several weeks of intense journalling, councelling, reading, swinging violently between rage, despair, and hope, bucketfuls of tears, but I was eventually able to process my emotions, patch up the breach with Indaren, improve communication between us (together with his own serious efforts, too), work towards becoming more secure and independent, and very, very recently acknowledge and accept Indaren's relationship with Thelsa without this feeling like a humiliating concession.
I think it's time to patch up with her. It has been two and a half months since we last spoke. I feel she understands enough of my troubles and grievances and acknowledges them. It was only very recently that I became able to consider hers, too. She has suffered from being a captive to whether I was okay with things or not, me running hot and cold, and passive-aggressively trying to extract a hierarchical superiority over her. I want to address such things. She is going through hard times, too, independently of the situation between the three of us.
But I am still a little afraid and fear about bungling things, of possible triggers. I am unsure as to how much to reach out and how much to hold back. So in a sense what I'm asking for is some psyching up, advice, things to look out for, possible holes in how I see the whole situation, and general support.
Thanks!