Perspective change needed

Ygritte

New member
Hello all. I am pretty new in poly relationships and a bit confused about it.
I am 40 yrs old woman married. I love my husband.
The fact is that last January I met online a man due to professional reasons. We had a very nice connection and I totally fell in love with him. We are into a Daddy/lg long distance relationship, as I live in Europe and he lives in the US. We would like to meet but during this pandemic it is something impossible right now.
K., let's call him so, is not married, in his 50. I know he has a relationship with another married woman there in the US and this is ok to me. We have a good communication, we text each other every day. But... but sometimes this communication breaks down, when he has other women around. I know that he has other connections because I see them in one of the platforms we use. Once I asked him about the others and he told me a half-truth, like "you are the only full time relationship I am into", meaning that he has other non full time relationships ongoing. Which should be totally fine to me. I don't want a life with him, I don't want to leave my family for him and I cannot expect that he just stay there waiting for me or that I am the only one in his life.
If on one hand I accept his other woman, it seems to me that I am not able to accepts the other ones. I get jealous. I get jealous when I see he replies to the others maybe ignoring me for some hours. But am I not doing the same when I focus on my husband instead of reply to him?
I need to change my perspective and stop to see him like I used to see the other men with whom I had in the past a relationship. I know it. But it seems like something that I am not able to do. I should stop to look at which time he has been online, trying to understand with who he was speaking, if she is better or more interesting than me. I should only take the beautiful part of this story. I should think that if I am able to love more than one man at a time, he can do it as well. I should stop to put myself in a competition with the others. But I feel bad. I felt bad for example when he sent to me a song that it was not supposed to be for me, because I think he send the wrong message to me. He sent to me (but was for one of the others) a song that was like "waiting patiently for a sign" and he added "not always patient". I asked him which kind of sign he was waiting for (pretending that the message was for me) and he didn't reply. I felt jealous that he was impatient to have a sign from another woman.
How can I change my point of view to stop suffering?
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
This was not your question, but does your husband know you are in a long distance DD/lg relationship? This is important because, if he does not know and consent, you are not doing polyamory, you are cheating, and this is not a board for that.

One to your question. No one can really help you "change your point of view to stop suffering." You could change your behavior. It sounds like you are stalking K's behavior on an online forum, and seeing him talking to other women when you think he should be talking to you.

Maybe you could stop stalking him. Maybe you could decide that it's up to K how much time he spends with others, as long as he gives you X amount of time. Not all men will respond to texts or private messages right away. Some men do, some don't.

What, specifically, would you like to ask him to do for you?

And what will you feel and do if he refuses your requests, as is his right?

Maybe this relationship was fun at first, but now K is just seeming like a "player" to you, spreading himself too thin with too many women. I can imagine getting a message meant for someone else hurt your feelings.
 

Tophatcat

New member
It sounds like you are struggling with jealousy more than anything. Which is a normal response to these things especially when new to poly. There is nothing wrong with jealousy as long as you recognize it and handle it. And be honest about it. It may help to talk with K about it since he has been poly longer. I know the forums also have some reading on jealousy.

The other thing is that it sounds like you want to compare yourself to those other women. A lot of times jealousy comes from a person struggling with their own self worth. You don't have to compete with other women. You already have him.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you are suffering.

FWIW, here is what sticks out to me. I don't know if it helps you any.

I will assume all parties here consent -- your husband and you have an open marriage and he knows you have this Dude as a Dom.

Some of the suffering just IS. If you were all in NRE mode, and now coming off it after a year of dating? You may be scrambling for another "high" so doing things like texting lots or stalking his pages. NRE does brain things to people -- and when the brain chemistry ends you get to see if this is really a runner or if you were lovesick star-eyed and not really seeing clear.

So... while it can feel ugh, it's not necessarily horrible the NRE is fading down.

I know he has a relationship with another married woman there in the US and this is ok to me.

You are ok with him seeing the married woman. Is it because neither of you can legally married so it seems "equal?" Or because he did "full truth" to you about her?

Once I asked him about the others and he told me a half-truth, like "you are the only full time relationship I am into", meaning that he has other non full time relationships ongoing. Which should be totally fine to me. I don't want a life with him, I don't want to leave my family for him and I cannot expect that he just stay there waiting for me or that I am the only one in his life.

So basically you are not ok with him telling you half truths. Not because he sees other people, but because he's not full truthing you about it. Is that it?

You don't have to expect him to sit around waiting on you and not have a life. But you CAN expect to be treated well and be told the truth so you can have full info when consenting to be in his poly network or be his sub. Not do "Mr. Slippery Fish" sounding things like some smoothie fast talker. Right?

You do these behaviors:
  • During the NRE it is/was daily texting.

  • So if he's doesn't responded to a text within a few hours, you go look at which times he has been online on the platforms you both use, trying to figure out with who he was speaking instead.

  • You compare yourself to the imagined woman. If she is better or more interesting.

Doing these behaviors lead to feeling jealous -- like you have something they are gonna take away from you -- his time, his attention.

To me? Sometimes people are at work, driving, busy, sleeping, etc. You have a phone in your hand. If it is an emergency, that needs a fast response actually CALL. If it's "just a text" let it be "just a text" and don't expect such a fast turn around. They will get to it when they do. Could talk to him what is reasonable expectation for him to respond to a text. 48 hours? Something else?

Bottom line? In poly relationships you are going to have to learn to share his time and attention. You are not the only partner.

If you cannot be on the same boards or platforms without stalking him and his profiles? Could delete your account. Could talk and agree which websites are "his areas" and which ones are "your areas."

If this is the start of NRE withdrawal -- like you want another "high" from interacting with your honey and that's why you keep texting him so much and trying to find out where he is... well, over time the pink fluffy lalas fade. It's normal. Take better care of yourself as this wears off. This is when you REALLY see if you are compatible. When the pink fluffy lalas are not clouding the view.

Assess if you like what you see NOW in this partner.

Maybe the "coming off the NRE clouds" phase would go easier on you if you found him trustworthy like he told you "full truths" all the time and not "half truths." And when he accidentally sends you things meant for other people? He apologized for that rather than ignore it altogether pretending it didn't happen and didn't accidentally hurt your feelings.

I can share someone's time and attention, and accidental texts will happen. But I want to be treated with respect and dignity. For me "half truths" and glossing over accidental texts rather than taking personal responsibility for mistakes, owning it, and apologizing? That's not dignified behavor nor respectful.

Makes me wonder if he's actually poly dating these people ethically or just a player doing whatever. Or even an NRE junkie hopping from one NRE thing to another.

So no, it's not gonna feel great if you don't know where you stand here with him. You could ask to talk and clear some of these things up.

As you continue to get to know him, keep your BS radar on and proceed with caution. Don't be so drunk on NRE lalas that you turn a blind eye to poor behavior.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
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