Planning a first time metamour weekend visit/sleepover

[Magdlyn]

Is this a turn of phrase or did you actually have anxiety and panic? How did you change this?

Karen, you could read his previous thread, which I referred to, and linked to. It was a panic that would freeze him for days.

And here he seems to be saying he just gradually got used to the idea, and that the whole problem is based around his greysexuality, if I may use that term.

 

[Geekymountainman]

Well the big weekend has come and gone, thought I’d give everyone an update.

Everything’s still standing, nothing burned down, world still spinning, etc.
I definitely feel a little winded and things are definitely complicated, just not for the reasons I was anticipating.
“Bree” came up late Friday, we said our hellos and helped her get her things settled into the guest room. We all went out for a late diner at a little dive nearby, came home, watched some goofy YouTube and drank some wine while they cuddled a bit on the couch, and then we were all off to bed.
Being the resident early riser, I was up first and made everyone breakfast. Bree was up next (my girlfriend is a enthusiastic late sleeper). So we kind of casually hung out for an hour or so making small talk. It wasn’t at all bad beyond us really not knowing each other too too well so we occasionally stumbled in terms of what to talk about. Eventually, feeling a little awkward, I asked if she wanted to go try and wake my girlfriend up. Bree asked me if I was sure that was okay and I said yes. Not much happened there, she just went in to the bedroom and kinda cuddled her awake.
Here’s where things took an odd turn. They had planned to spend the better part of the early Saturday afternoon out on a walking tour of the local college campus. This was supposed to be my ‘bowing out’ moment. As in, they would go on their date, and a little before they got home, I would leave the apartment for a few hours to give them some additional time alone. However, my girlfriend insisted I come with them, and Bree agreed with her. I knew this wasn’t what we had discussed but we had also talked about ‘going with the flow’ so I figured if they both wanted me there, I’d come with them.
So I ended up tagging along for the excursion. And it was fine, we all had good chemistry and were happily occupying ourselves walking around and talking for a few hours. We got back home and quickly showered and changed to go out for the night. We met up with some of my girlfriend’s classmates to have some dinner and then a few drinks and some dancing at a local bar. Again, things were largely fine. Bree did have a moment where she had to step out of the bar when it started to get really crowded. She, like me, is not the biggest fan of overly crowded and cramped spaces. We all transferred to another location soon after and settled down with some Harry Potter trivia and had a generally great time before heading home.

This is when I definitely confirmed that something was off.

If my past postings haven’t given it away, I can at times be a bit anxious about situations involving sex. And that was the aspect of this trip I was easily most anxious about. Would I be involved? They had discussed watching, would that happen? Would it be too much for me to be out of the house knowing what they were doing?
But... nothing happened.
We just got home, watched some TV on the couch for a bit, lamented how tired we were, and it was off to bed. I didn’t comment on anything at the time, obviously I felt like it wasn’t exactly my place to ask explicit questions about the timing of their sex life. But it definitely stood out to me that first was one of the few times in the span of several months that the two of them had seen each other in person, and their past history has been highly sexually active. But I figured if it was something my girlfriend wanted to discuss with me, she would. After all, it wasn’t exactly necessary that they have sex, I was just expecting it given the situation.
Sunday morning was similar, breakfast, some television, a brief walk around with our dog, and then putting together some light planning for when they might see each other next. Some goodbyes, and she was off. For how anxious I’ve been about this whole thing it seemed to go by awfully fast!

So, the complicated stuff now.
About as soon as Bree was off on her way, my girlfriend wanted to talk. Firstly she thanked me profusely for doing this; reiterating that she knew how stressful this kind of thing could be for me, telling me that she felt I was super supportive and present for her throughout all of this, which I of course appreciated very much.
Then, she dived into how she was feeling about the current state of her relationship with Bree.
In short, not good.
Hence the lack of sexual affection over the duration of her visit.
This is probably going to have to become a whole other thread for advice and discourse of the situation and how best to support my girlfriend through it, but it’ll try to summarize the key points here.
Bree is going through a lot; a big move, a potential change in careers, a lack of immediate good friends, still wrestling with unpleasant mental stuff after a bad divorce, body issues, self harm issues, etc.
Now none of this is new information. What’s new is the toll it’s taking on Bree and the effect it’s having on her personally and her relationship with my girlfriend. She has (by account of my girlfriend) over the past two or three months become increasingly clingy, moody, sensitive, critical of my girlfriend (accusing her of being too distant, too nosey, too passive, too self absorbed, etc), dismissive of my girlfriends schoolwork and career goals(rarely asking how her work is going, being angry with her when she has to make time to get a paper done etc), and apparently, increasingly frustrated with her role as my girlfriend’s “secondary” partner.
She has apparently been suggesting things like my girlfriend moving in with her; a frankly absurd idea for several reasons not the least of which that my girlfriend is two semesters deep in grad school and eyeballing a Doctorate. And has regularly not-super-subtly suggesting her and my girlfriend just ignore the boundaries we’ve all agreed upon. The example my girlfriend offered was condoms, we agreed early on that they’d use them for intercourse and Bree has lately really been pushing my girlfriend to just kinda ignore that particular rule.

All this has slowly but steadily draining my girlfriend of any emotional energy to invest in Bree.
She said this weekend she just felt uncomfortable the whole time. My girlfriend still very much admires Bree, but is very very certain she is struggling with severe depression and related issues. My girlfriend told me she has been trying for months now to convince Bree to seek self help in the form of therapy, support groups, or anything really, only for Bree to insist that she is fine and that there is nothing at all wrong at best, and at what attack my girlfriend for these suggestions. This, naturally has just made things worse and the tension has been racking up over successive weeks.
It’s reached a point now where my girlfriend is simply unhappy and stressed out in Bree’s company.
She’s miserable because she doesn’t know what to do or say. She feels it’s gotten to a point where she’s paralyzed trying to even answer a text from Bree for fear of it being taken the wrong way. She doesn’t think she can keep the relationship going with her in this state. So, yeah, probably going to be making another thread asking for input on this new situation. But it seems like I probably won’t have to worry about angst over any weekend stayovers anytime soon.

I’d like to again thank everyone who offered input and advice, I cannot tell you how much it helps!

 

[PinkPig]

Honestly, there's really nothing for you to do aside from support your gf. Its her place to ask for advice if she needs it.

That said, it kind of sounds like Bree is tired of the couple's privilege you and your gf have. Which is totally understandable. I know she agreed to a secondary role, but it can be a difficult, lonely place. My very first poly experience was as a secondary. It can be a lonely place to be when you don't understand what you're signing up for and there primary partner calls the shots.

 

[Magdlyn]

Everything’s still standing [but] things are definitely complicated, just not for the reasons I was anticipating.

“Bree” came up late Friday... We all went out for a late dinner... watched YouTube... drank wine... they cuddled a bit... then we were all off to bed.

You and Amy in your room, Bree in the guest room! And no privacy for either of them up til then! You must have been thinking, wth?

I was up first and made everyone breakfast. Bree [got up, we hung out] for an hour or so... I asked if she wanted to go try and wake Amy up... she just went in to the bedroom and kinda cuddled her awake.

Here’s where things took an odd turn. They had planned to spend Saturday afternoon out on a walking tour of the local college campus... my ‘bowing out’ moment... However, Amy insisted I come with them, and Bree agreed with her... And it was fine, we all had good chemistry...

Or it was all an avoidance tactic on one or both of their parts, and they used your presence as a "beard," so to speak.

...walking around and talking for a few hours. We got back home and quickly showered and changed to go out for the night. [Dinner with friends, dancing, drinks, trivia...]

[But] something was off. [They didn't have sex.]

You came home, watched TV, and then Amy said she was tired and you and she went to bed together, and Bree went to the guest room.


The next day, no sex, and Bree left, and Amy...

wanted to talk...

This is probably going to have to become a whole other thread for advice [on] how best to support Amy through it, but it’ll try to summarize:

Bree is going through a lot; a big move, a potential change in careers, a lack of immediate good friends, still wrestling with unpleasant mental stuff after a bad divorce, body issues, self harm issues, etc.

It’s taking a toll on Bree and the effect it’s having on her personally and her relationship with Amy [who says Bree] has, over the past two or three months become increasingly clingy, moody, sensitive, critical of Amy (accusing her of being too distant, too nosy, too passive, too self absorbed, etc), dismissive of Amy's schoolwork and career goals... [seeming] increasingly frustrated with her role as Amy's “secondary” partner.

She has apparently been suggesting things like Amy moving in with her, [but] Amy is two semesters deep in grad school and eyeballing a doctorate. Bree has regularly not-super-subtly suggested that she and Amy just ignore the boundaries we’ve all agreed upon. [Ie:] condoms [!] we agreed early on that they’d use them for intercourse. Bree has lately really been pushing Amy to just ignore that particular rule.[!]

All this has drained Amy of any emotional energy to invest in Bree.

Amy... is certain that Bree is struggling with severe depression... Amy told me she has been trying for months now to convince Bree to seek self help in the form of therapy, support groups, or anything really, only for Bree to insist that she is fine and that there is nothing wrong [and attacks] Amy for these suggestions... tension has been racking up... Amy is simply unhappy and stressed out in Bree’s company.

She’s miserable because she doesn’t know what to do... it’s gotten to a point where she’s paralyzed trying to even answer a text from Bree... She doesn’t think she can keep the relationship going with her... So, yeah, probably going to be making another thread asking for input on this new situation.

I wondered if Bree was upset that you two got engaged. Not only are you engaged, you two are very entangled. And Amy is using you as her only sounding board about Bree? (You know an awful lot of extremely personal details.) You have no friends to confide in either, except us here.

So, you two aren't really independent enough to do poly properly. Amy is being a leaky hinge. Bree didn't tell you she was self-harming, I don't think. I'm not sure she'd be fine with you knowing something so personal.

Also, we suggested the name Amy for "my girlfriend, my fiancee", but I edited your post a dozen or more times because you called her "my girlfriend" in every sentence referring to her. It's subtle, but this smacks of ownership, entanglement, and possessiveness, as does your slip up in saying you needed to be in "constant contact" with Amy while she was on her proposed Bree dates.

It sounds like Bree has too many problems to be dating right now also. If she's still recovering from bad feelings around her divorce, she's using Amy as a band-aid, to boost her esteem as she's on the rebound.

Also, self harm and not seeking help is some serious shit. Most of us don't like to date a person who has untreated mental issues.

Also, you mentioned condoms, which makes me think Bree is a transwoman (?). So she's dealing with post divorce issues as well as gender transition issues, perhaps.

And finally, the relationship is long distance now. Those are hard to deal with, even when everyone is stable. You're not stable, Bree isn't stable, Amy is neck deep in post-grad work.

All I can say is, from my end it looks like it's time for Amy to let Bree go. Bree can get some help, or not, as she sees fit. Amy shouldn't be acting as her white knight, therapist or life raft.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Geeky,

Wow, what a twist in the situation! I was mainly concerned about how you were going to be doing during the visit, it never occurred to me that Amy and Bree might be on the rocks. I'm not sure what to suggest, it does not sound like Amy is happy with Bree anymore. Honestly, I'm not sure Bree is happy with Amy either. It wouldn't surprise me if they broke up, but I guess we'll see what happens. I'll try to think of some advice for you, in anticipation of your next thread.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[fuchka]

Amy and Bree's relationship is not your circus. Unless something that's happening between them directly affects you somehow, I'd say just step back and not think about it too much. Be there for Amy if she wants to debrief or needs support, but don't feel you have to be the sounding board either. If it's getting too much, you can politely bow out of discussing this with Amy.

Hopefully Amy has other people she can talk with, too.

Wishing you all well.