mountaingirl
Active member
Hey gang
I am getting to a point in my life (and my newer relationship with P) where I've started investing and planning for the future (i.e. possibly having kids, building a community, etc). I was wondering if there were any polycules (hope that's not a stupid word to use) that have planned these types of things together? Me and P and Joe planned on sticking together (eventually starting a commune) when P and I were platonic, but now I want to have conversations about the future without potentially stepping on Joe's toes. Talked with him today and he seemed a little flustered that I am forming my life around my relationship with P in addition to my relationship with him. I reminded Joe that us all sticking together has always been the plan, but since P is at a different life stage (4 years younger than Joe, 2 years younger than me) it's not so simple to just say "we'll live together" since it's very possible we'll have differing amounts of resources in just a few years. Importantly, when I said something about me spending nights once in awhile at P's house (in the event they live separately but near each other, which is something they both want eventually), Joe seemed visibly upset. I said "how would you expect me to have a relationship with someone if I could never spend the night with him" and he didn't really have an answer but... there's obviously something to unpack there.
It seems like both of them are prideful men (not trying to be judgey, just an observation) and want the whole house-kids-yard-etc. Very monogamous-vibes. Excuse if I sound a tad cynical, I love them both, it's just... 3 houses for 2 people, in this economy? If we (oops, I mean mostly me ) have to do all the work of communicating and coordinating schedules for 3 people, it would be nice to enjoy the benefits of shared costs of living. If I had it my way, we would all live in the same house, and P would just have his own suite with bathroom/common area. A girl can dream.
It's very possible that I'm getting ahead of myself here, but the sustainability of my relationships with both Joe and P is really important to me. I.e. if it doesn't seem like this is going to work a few years from now, then I would rather know now and start distancing myself from P romantically (so I can save the friendship) then letting this go on until shit hits the fan. I suppose that's being in a relationship though, if you could predict things not working out, then there wouldn't be any bad breakups...
I know it would help to see my relationships with both Joe and P where they are and not comparing. For e.g., I am legally married to Joe, which means I can never be legally married to P if we stay in the US. Even though I don't treat Joe as my primary partner, for now he is the only person my family technically sees me with, so he gets invited to family events, asked about more in phone calls, that sort of thing. Plus, P is younger, so there is less he can do for me resource wise. I am an independent woman, so I don't need or want anything from anyone, but I know there are things P wishes he could do for me. I know this affects him! At least I know it would give me feelings if I was in his situation, but he can be very stoic about it. <<Full invite for anyone in P's situation to educate my ass on this "not hierarchical but still kinda hierarchical" situation.
I also am trying to take things one day at a time... when all of this started Joe was very reluctant. I still am not sure that he has really experienced compersion; he has said he is happy that I can experience this much love. He also has had some days where he gets jealous. He also has some days where he's joking around about my relationship with P, making fun of me being "thirsty for cuddles", "in love with two dumbasses", etc. Mostly he has days where he is indifferent. <<Also invitation for anyone to talk about their experiences with jealousy over the long term. I haven't experienced either Joe or P having another partner, so I am not sure how either of them deal with this.
This has devolved into a shitpost. Eager to hear from anyone in a situation similar to either Joe or P; gaining a different perspective on this would be great. GEE IT WOULD BE NICE IF THEY HAD THEIR OWN ACCOUNTS ON HERE !!1!!
I am getting to a point in my life (and my newer relationship with P) where I've started investing and planning for the future (i.e. possibly having kids, building a community, etc). I was wondering if there were any polycules (hope that's not a stupid word to use) that have planned these types of things together? Me and P and Joe planned on sticking together (eventually starting a commune) when P and I were platonic, but now I want to have conversations about the future without potentially stepping on Joe's toes. Talked with him today and he seemed a little flustered that I am forming my life around my relationship with P in addition to my relationship with him. I reminded Joe that us all sticking together has always been the plan, but since P is at a different life stage (4 years younger than Joe, 2 years younger than me) it's not so simple to just say "we'll live together" since it's very possible we'll have differing amounts of resources in just a few years. Importantly, when I said something about me spending nights once in awhile at P's house (in the event they live separately but near each other, which is something they both want eventually), Joe seemed visibly upset. I said "how would you expect me to have a relationship with someone if I could never spend the night with him" and he didn't really have an answer but... there's obviously something to unpack there.
It seems like both of them are prideful men (not trying to be judgey, just an observation) and want the whole house-kids-yard-etc. Very monogamous-vibes. Excuse if I sound a tad cynical, I love them both, it's just... 3 houses for 2 people, in this economy? If we (oops, I mean mostly me ) have to do all the work of communicating and coordinating schedules for 3 people, it would be nice to enjoy the benefits of shared costs of living. If I had it my way, we would all live in the same house, and P would just have his own suite with bathroom/common area. A girl can dream.
It's very possible that I'm getting ahead of myself here, but the sustainability of my relationships with both Joe and P is really important to me. I.e. if it doesn't seem like this is going to work a few years from now, then I would rather know now and start distancing myself from P romantically (so I can save the friendship) then letting this go on until shit hits the fan. I suppose that's being in a relationship though, if you could predict things not working out, then there wouldn't be any bad breakups...
I know it would help to see my relationships with both Joe and P where they are and not comparing. For e.g., I am legally married to Joe, which means I can never be legally married to P if we stay in the US. Even though I don't treat Joe as my primary partner, for now he is the only person my family technically sees me with, so he gets invited to family events, asked about more in phone calls, that sort of thing. Plus, P is younger, so there is less he can do for me resource wise. I am an independent woman, so I don't need or want anything from anyone, but I know there are things P wishes he could do for me. I know this affects him! At least I know it would give me feelings if I was in his situation, but he can be very stoic about it. <<Full invite for anyone in P's situation to educate my ass on this "not hierarchical but still kinda hierarchical" situation.
I also am trying to take things one day at a time... when all of this started Joe was very reluctant. I still am not sure that he has really experienced compersion; he has said he is happy that I can experience this much love. He also has had some days where he gets jealous. He also has some days where he's joking around about my relationship with P, making fun of me being "thirsty for cuddles", "in love with two dumbasses", etc. Mostly he has days where he is indifferent. <<Also invitation for anyone to talk about their experiences with jealousy over the long term. I haven't experienced either Joe or P having another partner, so I am not sure how either of them deal with this.
This has devolved into a shitpost. Eager to hear from anyone in a situation similar to either Joe or P; gaining a different perspective on this would be great. GEE IT WOULD BE NICE IF THEY HAD THEIR OWN ACCOUNTS ON HERE !!1!!