Planning/scheduling

[Iamher]

I have read (mainly on Reddit) about how much planning and scheduling are a key part of polyamory. But how normal is it? Do you all plan and schedule, or are you more spontaneous?

Hubby is a very spontaneous person. Since having kids I have found I really enjoy scheduling and planning, knowing what we are doing, when, and maybe even timeframe depending on the situation. I even check the weather a lot. We live in a place where we are cold, snowy and rainy a lot of the year.

Many of hubbys past and present partners also seem to be spontaneous, willing to change and adapt and not really care. These are women with and without children. But now I’m feeling like the “weird” one because I say no to having last minute guests or sleepovers or outings. Or I will let hubby know that a night he is trying to plan for has a possible blizzard. Some times the weather part pisses me off because I seem to be the only adult in his circle who looks at the weather.

But the point of this post is just to get outside perspective. Do you plan and schedule or are you just spontaneous? Do you look at the weather when planning dates? Or am I really the minority on this?

 

[Magdlyn]

Plan and schedule about 80% of the time. And even then, communicate a lot so no lines get crossed.

 

[Evie]

I definitely schedule who I'm spending time with, but then I don't really plan what we are doing on those dates and will be spontaneous about that.

 

[Kynde]

Honestly, I think with kids and family it's difficult to be spontaneous, and I wonder how his other partners with kids are able to do that. Even the kids need some structure and the security of knowing what to expect-- and they must have a generous support system. Anyway, I'm with you on this one. I'm also just someone who is wired to need more structure to function and feel safe. I think it's reasonable for you to expect this of your partner.

Maybe a good compromise is that he has certain days of the week that he can be with a partner, nor not be with one, but there are certain other nights when it's been designated as him being with you and the kids always-- unless it's planned ahead of time such as a special occasion for the partner (her birthday for example).

An example from my own life is I usually see my partner Sid on Weds night (but sometimes it doesn't work out), and occasionally Saturday night, but never any other nights. My anchor partner Jay knows this and generally doesn't expect to see me on Weds, and I let him know about the occasional Saturday nights at least a week ahead of time. And I usually see Traveler on a Monday or Tuesday night, depending on his schedule, so Jay knows to be mentally prepared that one of those days I may see Traveler-- if he's in town. Jay has the security to know that every single Thursday, Friday, most Saturdays, and Sundays are time for the two of us.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Lauren,

My V does a lot of planning, we have a group calendar that we can all three see and edit. Although it's mostly our hinge that does the editing. In general I do better when I know what to expect (and when to expect it). We do look at the weather forecast, and plan accordingly.

Not everyone plans so fastidiously, every polycule is unique and what works for one polycule, doesn't necessarily work for another. You have to figure out what works for you. It sounds like your husband wants to be spontaneous, whereas you want to plan and schedule. The two of you will have to work out a compromise, like say take turns, two weeks spontaneous, then two weeks planned and scheduled.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Iamher]

I definitely schedule who I'm spending time with, but then I don't really plan what we are doing on those dates and will be spontaneous about that.

Yes I’m fine with him being spontaneous about what they do, I honestly have no idea what they do, that’s their relationship. I don’t even ask where he will be. I just want to know a time frame of when he will be gone so that I know how long I am solo parenting.

 

[Iamher]

Honestly, I think with kids and family it's difficult to be spontaneous, and I wonder how his other partners with kids are able to do that. Even the kids need some structure and the security of knowing what to expect-- and they must have a generous support system. Anyway, I'm with you on this one. I'm also just someone who is wired to need more structure to function and feel safe. I think it's reasonable for you to expect this of your partner.

Maybe a good compromise is that he has certain days of the week that he can be with a partner, nor not be with one, but there are certain other nights when it's been designated as him being with you and the kids always-- unless it's planned ahead of time such as a special occasion for the partner (her birthday for example).

An example from my own life is I usually see my partner Sid on Weds night (but sometimes it doesn't work out), and occasionally Saturday night, but never any other nights. My anchor partner Jay knows this and generally doesn't expect to see me on Weds, and I let him know about the occasional Saturday nights at least a week ahead of time. And I usually see Traveler on a Monday or Tuesday night, depending on his schedule, so Jay knows to be mentally prepared that one of those days I may see Traveler-- if he's in town. Jay has the security to know that every single Thursday, Friday, most Saturdays, and Sundays are time for the two of us.

I guess the problem is he works from home and can make his own schedule, but I don’t know what she does but I assume that her work schedule changes enough that they are seeing each other different times every time. I will try bringing it up at our next check in, at least to give one day for me a week. Maybe that would actually make me feel more secure in my relationship. We have lots of family time. I just don’t get a lot of time with him without our kids.

 

[Iamher]

Hi Lauren,

My V does a lot of planning, we have a group calendar that we can all three see and edit. Although it's mostly our hinge that does the editing. In general I do better when I know what to expect (and when to expect it). We do look at the weather forecast, and plan accordingly.

Not everyone plans so fastidiously, every polycule is unique and what works for one polycule, doesn't necessarily work for another. You have to figure out what works for you. It sounds like your husband wants to be spontaneous, whereas you want to plan and schedule. The two of you will have to work out a compromise, like say take turns, two weeks spontaneous, then two weeks planned and scheduled.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

I literally got that expensive skylight calendar for Christmas lol. I love it, I put all appointments and outtings on there and hubbys adhd has slowly been remembering we have it lol. With our kids so small it’s hard to just be spontaneous, and I’m not against him being spontaneous. But his spontaneity makes it so I’m solo parenting and I just want to know a time frame of how long I’ll be solo. And asking for a time frame can be challenging (?) for him and sometimes he isn’t good at staying in his timeframe.

 

[LaminarFlow]

It's a mixed bag, as my partners and I are also spontanous and jobs take us elsewhere at a moments notice, but there is some consistency in our spontaneity. I come from a country where there is 15-20% sun of the year with all the seasons in a day, so it's hard to plan something concrete sometimes, and when the sun is out we usually toss the plans we already had and just go out plan something last-minute. Flexibility is kind of a must here, like organized chaos with constant communication. If babysitter isn't available, we have 3 days rule for setting things in stone and no-take backsies. Special occasions are non-negiotable and planned far in advance (and even then, they can be last-minute too sometimes).

So yes, weather is a huge factor for our schedule and activities.

 

[Evie]

I just want to know a time frame of when he will be gone so that I know how long I am solo parenting.

Are you two communicating about this? As an issue that needs addressing.