Please help me understand monogamy

Mono,

You know, I felt that way originally. Here's what my SO said that convinced me. First, because it's about being happy, if I find someone that I'm happier with, more power to me. She loves me a lot, but she also could see that a relationship with her was going to be challenging. Second, if you go out and date people and still come back to me, I'll know it's because you chose me and it was an informed choice, not one of desperation. (My wife had died not that long before we met.) Third, if you come back and decide that you are polyamorous, it's a win-win for all of us.

So for her, there was a chance of losing me, but she felt that ultimately everyone would be happier. And she was right. But I'll save the rest of the story for my introduction entry, not here.

D-
 
I know, with my first attempt at dating, I fell right into the either/or mentality of being monogamous. Of course, there was no question who I 'chose,' but it didn't seem fair to the other woman, because in other circumstances I very well could have continued dating her. (Disclaimer: she knew my situation going in.)
 
Thanks for saying that, sd, about monogamous people trying out polyamory, that is. There have been a few guys on here, interestingly no women, that have gone on dates with women, outside their primary relationship, to try out their poly legs, who firmly believed afterwards it wasn't for them. On the other hand, someone discovered they were, but I believe they ditched the polyamory idea because the work wasn't worth it in the end.

Good point, however, although very risky. I guess it would depend on quite a few factors for that to work. As you say, the end result would mean more contentment and happiness.
 
sdguitarguy said:
Mono, you know, I felt that way originally.
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I just spoke to Redpepper about this. I often forget that some people are not on the same end of the mono-poly scale as I am. I am so far to the mono side it's hard for me to put myself into any other mindset, or one that has any room to even explore something other than what I know and want. I am happy in this and feel completely certain about myself. I just have to realize that there is a scale and others are not where I am, nor do they want to be.
 
Hey Mono,

Although clearly we are in "opposite" camps (and please no one actually think that I see it as us vs them), I always value your input. I like that you raised that concern and I'm glad you feel comfortable to do so.

Warmly,
Christie
 
I think I have to agree with Mono. I am very monogamous. Perhaps not as far on the scale as he is, but pretty far along. I am still having a hard time coping with the emotions and fears of having my wife love another. She still hasn't admitted it, but I haven't pushed the issue either. I have a difficult time understanding how a person can love more than one. I have tried to compare it to loving my children, but I think that it is entirely different. We, the kids and I, bond and love on a different level than K and I. I love K with everything, heart, soul, body, mind. But we are also intimate, and for me that takes it to another level. I think that's were I have the personal problem with K having a bf and bonding on that intimate level. Just my 2 cents.
 
I agree there is a mono/poly scale and I also think players and timing contribute to whether a person is monogamous or polyamorous.

When I was married, both my husband and I had affairs. I know it was dishonest, and you probably wouldn't consider it polyamory, but I did get to experience how loving another enabled me to love my husband more. It was as if my lover opened up something, or gave me something that I could then share with my husband. It wasn't me being more attentive out of guilt, it was simply that there was more love in our life to go around.

My newish partner Z is polyamorous, but with him I feel no need to have anyone else. We have so much love between us and I see his pain at not being able to be as close to his OSO as he would like. Any problems I have in our relationship I can fix. He doesn't have that option with her because she has set the boundaries.

At the moment, I value the peace of feeling completely content with what I have. I am, however, open to someone amazing wandering into my life and I like knowing that if I wanted it, I would have the freedom to experience that relationship to its fullest, with few boundaries, from my side, anyway.
 
I hope I don't misstate something, but keep in mind I might and Erato will come in and fix it.

I'm in a long-distance relationship with her, and her ex, who was also long distance, is interested in being "BFFs with benefits" with her. I think what this is, is being very close friends who have sex, but not an actual relationship. So it's casual, but the sex is meaningful because they have a close friendship? He doesn't want commitment at all, but he wants to be close friends and have sex with Erato.

I'm a bit uneasy, because I don't like the sound of him, and there was an incident where he was drunk and started getting... um, insistent about doing something, but Erato's said that can't be entirely on him, because she wasn't firm enough about boundaries when it happened, and she has difficulty in setting them up.

I'm very conflicted. On the one hand, because of that incident I have difficulty trusting the relationship... or that BFFs with benefits(?) would go smoothly. Whether my needs/wishes as Erato's partner would be respected by this other man, etc. We do, effectively, relate sexually over our distance. I won't go into detail of that, but Erato can if she wants to. This other guy wants to, as well, and possibly have sex in person too, if possible.

On the other, I don't want to get in Erato's way, or to make her give up what she wants. I feel an urgent, pressing need to just drop everything and let her rip the Band-Aid off, rather than watch it be peeled off slowly over time. I don't want to be controlling.

I don't know what to do. She's visiting in about 33 days. She said we can wait until after the visit to talk about it more. But she does have interest in doing it before the visit. I'm a bit distressed right now. I feel insecure, afraid, and indecisive. The relationship is casual, yet not casual at all. He wants to call it best friends forever with benefits, and I don't know if that's even considered poly, or if poly relationships involve being together with someone, and sleeping with other close friends (not lovers) without starting relationships. Or is that an open relationship?

Please help. I'm very tense and on edge right now about it.
 
Poly is whatever you make it. Does it really matter if what they have is "polyamory" or not? It is exclusive to them and they have decided. There is no claim staked on what the definition of polyamory is, precisely. They can call it what they want and describe it as they see fit.

How that leaves you, I don't know.
 
Okay. Erato said she wasn't asking me if I'd be comfortable with it. She was mentioning he would be willing to work on it. But she still wants to, I think.

I don't know what to do or think.

Edit later: Sorry. She clarified a lil more. She's perfectly fine with using the energy spent toward building/maintaining a second relationship toward becoming local with me. And she'll give me time to work on things, going at my pace. I guess with the way our discussions had been around this subject for a little while I got jumpy. hehe

But opinions are always welcome, and it felt good to get it off my chest.
 
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Hi,

I'd just like to clarify a couple points:

BBFs with benefits was my term, not D's (my ex), but he said he would most prefer something between a distance friendship, with the freedom for us to connect sexually both in person and otherwise, if he could possibly choose. I asked him what he wanted because I wanted to know where I stood with him emotionally, and I feel much better now that it's more clear. We are very close friends and care a lot about each other.

The point about his drinking and hitting on me I'd like to make is that when it happened he had drank so much that he was in a blackout (alcohol related-amnesia). He read the chat logs the next day and apologised profusely to me for his behaviour. He still apologises if I mention it at all (not in a grovelling way, mind). I've talked to him about his drinking because it was starting to worry me, but he assures me he has a handle on it. I've let him know that I'm available to talk to about it if he feels the need.

D's a good dude. Bold mentioned about the boundaries: D and I have always been sexual/flirty so it's been an adjustment to relate to each other without a trace of that (which we honestly would likely never be able to manage) but we're working on it. I don't think D saw it as disrespecting Bold because it's the way it's always been and my objections in the past have been weak, at best.

I'm comfortable with where things are at the moment. I brought this up with Bold so that he would know that I had spoken to D about it and keep the lines of communication open. We both left the conversation feeling happy and loved, which is a major first for us, so I know that we must be growing. Unfortunately, I had to rush off to work afterward with a "let's talk more later" tag, and I think Bold started to maybe let the seed sprout in his mind into all sorts of ideas. A few texts during my break did the trick with pruning it back, I gather. But Bold can speak for himself about that, of course.

Thanks for reading, sharing on these forums and in this thread.
 
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I caught the fact that you two were having a long-distance relationship early on in the discussion, and it was the most worrying fact for me in this whole scenario.

I've been in several LDRs that have been extremely emotionally and sexually fulfilling that I would not trade for the world. The forms they took have been across the board in terms of contact. Some of the most important were with people I never met. One of them was a guy I dated for nearly a year, then left Maryland to go to England. I visited him for a few weeks every few months for two years, until we decided we didn't have a future. At one point I also moved halfway around the world for a guy I'd never even met outside of the computer. And I guess my husband and I had a tiny LDR of an hour's drive until we moved in together. :)

LDRs are difficult when you want to be close to someone and there isn't anyone... until there *is* someone, and it isn't the person you're in the LDR with. Sometimes people just have a need for touch, for interaction that has to be filled, and it's very difficult to decide whether or not you are just missing something in your existing relationship, or are actually interested in another person.

All I want to say is that if the upcoming goal of the LDR is to simply meet, and/or become local, or hell, to move in together from never having met before, the adjustment period in any of these cases takes a lot of time, effort, and focus. I advocate for holding off on anything outside of the relationship until that visit happens and you can discuss things in person. It might be an unpopular viewpoint, but I feel Bold is in a very vulnerable position, and complicating something fairly serious with a casual relationship could be a bad idea until the foundations between him and Erato have been reinforced.

Sigh. I hate when I feel like I haven't expressed myself well. :(
 
The potential other is long distance too, in the same country as Bold.

I know that it's not just me missing the sensual elements of a relationship, because the idea of physically having sex with someone other than Bold, at this time, makes me sad, because I'd just be wanting him or missing the fact that he can't do that with me at this very moment in time.

And "casual" is such a four letter word to me. It implies, I feel, that it's flippant and fun and just for kicks and sometimes even meaningless/future-less. The meaningful friendship and sexual relationship that I want to form with D would not be casual in the sense implied above. Sorry if you didn't mean any of those implications, as I know words mean different things to different people. That's just what that word means to me.

I'm sorry if that comes off as defensive but, honestly, my defences came up in the first line where you coupled "LDR" with "worried."
 
My intent was not to make you feel defensive. I've been on the receiving end of negativity about LDRs and it's a frustrating place to be. I tried to explain the value I saw in long distance relationships of many varieties, value that I've gained from personal experiences.

The reason that I'm worried is because LDRs can often be characterized by an increased emotional vulnerability. I've just been filtering the discussion through that lens, and I feel acutely for both you and Bold. Especially since you are having these discussions without the physical reassurance. It's a big task under normal circumstances. But what is normal, right? :D

My main point was that because so much of that type of relationship must happen in bursts, the visit with Bold will most likely change things between you. You will grow, adapt, and it will leave you with a lot to think about.

I apologize if the word "casual" offended you. I didn't mean that it wasn't going to be meaningful, simply that by your definition of close friends with a sexual component, it's not on the same level as what you say you have and want with Bold.

Bold said:
She's perfectly fine with using the energy spent toward building/maintaining a second relationship toward becoming local with me. And she'll give me time to work on things, going at my pace.
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I hope things continue to move in this direction. I wish you both a lot of luck on your path, and I am hoping that the visit will be awesome!
 
Thanks for clarifying.

I still think we see things very differently. My main objection, I think, to your first post was that this line:

...it's very difficult to decide whether or not you are just missing something in your existing relationship, or are actually interested in another person.
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...implied, to me, that you were bringing into question if I am just a mono missing her partner or actually poly-amorous. From past experience and self knowledge I know, without a doubt, that the latter is the case.

I also mention that we see things differently because I don't agree with this statement:

My main point was that because so much of that type of relationship must happen in bursts, the visit with Bold will most likely change things between you.
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Our relationship is happening all the time, it's not on hold because we're not physically together, and so it's entirely happening right now. I've no doubt that the visit will affect how we relate to each other but my distance relationship with him isn't me holding my breath for locality it's enjoying being with him no matter the circumstances.

This is my goal over all, now, concerning not only the long distance nature of our relationship but also the (currently) exclusive aspect of it. I am very happy being with him, despite distance, so I want to work on being as contented despite exclusivity. I didn't think it was possible before but I certainly want to give it a shot now.

It may (and this is not my secret agenda, just something I've noticed about how we feel when the other is making an effort to work toward the middle ground) reassure him to the point where he might feel secure enough to test the poly waters in terms of me taking a secondary partner. But I have no expectations about that. We'll see what happens.
 
Erato said:
Thanks for clarifying.

I still think we see things very differently. My main objection, I think, to your first post was that this line...implied, to me, that you were bringing into question if I am just a mono missing her partner or actually poly-amorous.
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I did not mean to give that impression. I was not calling your poly nature into question at all. In fact, I was talking with the assumption that seeing others was acceptable, and that it was a question of the motivation behind any particular decision to get involved with someone else.

Our relationship is happening all the time, it's not on hold because we're not physically together, and so it's entirely happening right now. I've no doubt that the visit will affect how we relate to each other but my distance relationship with him isn't me holding my breath for locality it's enjoying being with him no matter the circumstances.
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I think this is eloquently put. I simply meant that visiting will open up new avenues for growth and discussion. I really am looking forward to what you will want to share with the forum about the upcoming trip.
 
immaterial said:
My recent SO who felt monogamously toward me (although she has been poly in the past) wanted to be involved in all of my sexual activity. If I masturbated to porn, she wanted to be there.
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I think this brings up a really good issue, masturbating. Some people feel threatened when their partner masturbates or has any kind of sexual behavior that does not involve them. I personally think that attitude is unhealthy, as it seems to be an attempt at owning your partner's sexuality. A person's sexuality is entirely their own and no one else's. You can share your sexuality with someone, but that person can not own it.

For all the monogamous people out there who feel threatened by their partner's sexuality with another person, do you feel the same way about your partner's sexuality with their own self? What is it that makes you feel you have the right to own your partner's sexuality?
 
I don't know why anyone would stay in a relationship where they felt a part of them was literally "owned." That would be terribly sad. I tell people that Redpepper owns me, but I am the one who willingly gives myself to her. She doesn't take me against my will. All partners should be giving themselves to each other in the ways that fulfill them. If that exchange is mutually healthy, than the relationship should flourish and be sustainable. If that exchange is forced, or based on repression, then the relationship will erode the individuals involved.

I would think this would be a part of the foundation to any relationship, regardless of the way people love.

The only thing that should be owned in a relationship is the responsibility to treat your partner with respect and honesty, and to be true to yourself.
 
Can we make the last two threads by SchrodingersCat and Mono a new thread? I think they warrant further discussion but perhaps not on this thread. Would it be okay to move them, Schrodinger?
 
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