Poly Advice- Met the Metamour

[Polar101]

On Tuesday, I went to my partners house to have dinner and meet their other partner. The meta has been experiencing a variety of insecurity and jealousy throughout my relationship with the partner we share.

Me and my partner discussed expectations, how we would interact during the evening, and agreed on a more platonic vibe i.e. less touching, not discussing intimacy and aspects of our dynamic. However, during the evening, my metamour was all over my partner- holding their hand randomly, calling them babe, sending them kissy faces/sounds, even trying to sit on their lap, and discussing future plans in front me.

I offered the meta a ride home, and they started discussing issues within their relationship with my partner.

The next day I had a call with my partner and a few things came to light. First of all, my partner hadn't had a clear discussion of expectations with them (I was the one driving the one they had with me). Secondly, the meta had been doing things they don't normally do even when them and the partner are alone. And lastly, that I came across as defensive and/or kept shutting down in the opinion of the meta.

I have now come to the determination that so long as the meta is insecure/jealous/unable to control their emotions, they are not a safe space for me to intentionally share space with. And even when I view the whole thing with grace for trauma responses and insecurities, I still leave with this sense the meta was definitely trying to send me a message and its so fucking messy.

Any advice on how to manage this and what to say to my partner?

 

[Evie]

First, what do you want? Parallel poly perhaps, so you don't have to deal with meta (outside of an emergency) at all? Or for hinge to do their job better and continue working towards a functional garden party or kitchen table polycule?

Once you make that decision, then the brainstorming of what to say to hinge partner will be a lot easier.

 

[Magdlyn]

This is why I recommend a first meeting with a meta to be a quick coffee break at a neutral location, a cafe. I can see a metamour being nervous hosting their partner's new partner, especially if they are new to polyamory. A one-hour coffee date is plenty of time to just put a face to a name and remove the mystery.

And then you driving her home, alone in the car! There was really no need for hours and hours of awkward social interaction for a first meeting with a meta. Lesson learned. Keep it short and sweet.

No need to overanalyze her behavior. She was nervous. She was awkward. Let it go.

Maybe keep this parallel, or at most, garden-party poly, for a good long time, a year or two, even.

My bf Aries has been dating a woman for a year and I haven't met her yet. She lives over an hour away. I see no need.

I didn't meet my gf's partner Malachi for seven years, except for a brief meeting at my front door twice when he stopped by to pick something up for her. He is introverted, and was dating her, not me. I was respectful of his need for space. After we finally met for real, we have developed a nice "garden-party" acquaintanceship, he's met my son, he's met other friends and family members of Pixi. She also didn't meet his family for those first seven years!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Polar101,

This meta seems to be something of a problem, I know as humans we're allowed to make mistakes, but this meta needs to stop being adversarial. There is no rule in poly that you have to hang out with your meta, you can have parallel poly where you and your meta seldom or never meet. Also your partner doesn't need to talk to you about your meta. You can have a life free of meta's presence and influence.

Just my opinion,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I offered the meta a ride home, and they started discussing issues within their relationship with my partner.

I think that was you being TOO nice. Meta can figure out their own ride home. And this meta overshares.

I have now come to the determination that so long as the meta is insecure/jealous/unable to control their emotions, they are not a safe space for me to intentionally share space with.

"I don't hang out in groups any more" is a totally reasonable personal boundary for you to have for yourself after this experience. You tried to make nice, and it was meh. You are under no obligation to hang out in a group again.

However, during the evening, my metamour was all over my partner- holding their hand randomly, calling them babe, sending them kissy faces/sounds, even trying to sit on their lap, and discussing future plans in front me.

That's a bit much.

You have learned that you were the driving force behind setting PDA boundaries with hinge. They didn't take a hint and set PDA boundaries on the other side of the V with the meta. Even though hinge knew you weren't up for displays of PDA? Hinge was totally fine with meta basically trying to "mark turf" with their excessive PDA. Lap sitting? Seriously? And the hinge didn't call them on it and say "Hey, let's keep it G rated here on this first group hang so all can be comfortable."

Maybe you review whether or not you want to keep dating this hinge.

And even when I view the whole thing with grace for trauma responses and insecurities, I still leave with this sense the meta was definitely trying to send me a message and its so fucking messy.

It doesn't have to be messy for YOU. You can be decisive. You can decide "That was meh. No more hanging in groups for me."

Any advice on how to manage this and what to say to my partner?

What is there to manage? Why would you have to say anything more about it?

Moving forward? If hinge invites you or meta invites you for another group hang? You enforce your personal boundary and hold the line. You get to say "Thank you, but no. I prefer not to hang out in a group. I prefer parallel poly." You don't have to accept every invitation you get to do things.

You are not obligated to hang out in a group with hinge and meta. You are not obligated to help meta manage their insecure feelings.

You just deal with the hinge that you date.

GG

 

[MeeraReed]

How old is everyone? How long has everyone been poly?

The problem here is the hinge. The Hinge has an insecure, jealous partner who deliberately was all over Hinge on the first meeting with a metamour (you) and THEN, instead of apologizing to you for making you uncomfortable, Hinge complains that YOU came across as defensive and uncooperative with your meta.

(I mean, of course you came across as a little defensive...I would be too, if my weird Meta was all over our shared partner at our first meeting!)

But I suspect that you appearing "defensive and shutting down the meta's opinions" is Meta's opinion of you, not an accurate portrayal of you, and not the Hinge's opinion either. Hinge, in fact, has no opinions because they are very passive and are trying to please their insecure partner.

Hinge is not a good hinge. Hinge repeats Meta's complaints to you, instead of setting boundaries with Meta. Passive people-pleasers make terrible hinges.

Hinge sounds a little too immature to have successful poly relationships right now. I think this relationship will have a lot of drama and unhappiness in it for you.

But in the meanwhile, others have given good advice that you can do parallel poly and you don't need to interact with Meta.