Poly Communication Issues

[ShirenTheWanderer]

I have been part of a poly relationship for almost four years. Prior to the poly relationship, my partner and I had been together for almost three decades. During that time, we communicated with an average amount of effectiveness learning each other's styles of communication. We would make opportunities to "get on the same page," and talk about where we were and what we needed.

In the poly relationship, my original partner is now communicating in a new way and says that they feel closer to our new partner than me, and closer to them than any other relationship. Our new partner told me that we had been communicating actions throughout all of our conversation.

I am feeling frustration with my situation. I am happy, and it brings me joy that they are doing well overall. However, I am struggling, and we cannot seem to "sync up."

We have gone to couple's therapy, the three of us, and it is as though I am now speaking a different language than the two of them. I have watched them and attempted to mimic what I see, but that fails. Additionally, I have asked for help, and I am told I need to emotionally connect and express my feelings more effectively. When I do express my feelings, we do not move in a positive direction. I think the vacillation between my reservation and over communicating my feelings puts our new partner on edge. Which, I am trying to articulate expression with more regulation for her.

I am unsure of where I stand on a daily basis in tandem with not having any clearly communicated expectations. It is like living everyday on a slippery rock.

Does anyone have any advice on effective communication strategies that I could try that could perhaps build connection? Thanks

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I am feeling frustration with my situation. I am happy, and it brings me joy that they are doing well overall. However, I am struggling, and we cannot seem to "sync up."

Sync up HOW?

We have gone to couple's therapy, the three of us, and it is as though I am now speaking a different language than the two of them.

Why is this a problem though?

I grew up in a multi language household. I spoke language A with Dad. Language B with Mom. It was fine. This reminds me of that.

You could do communication style 1 with partner A.

Then communication style 2 with partner B.

And if you have to talk to both, could do a blend or even a whole other 3 style.

Could that help any? NOT trying to "do the same" with each?

Galagirl

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

It's usual for people to grow apart. It's also usual for 2 of the people in a triad to feel more connected than with the others

 

[ShirenTheWanderer]

I'm sorry you struggle.



Sync up HOW?



Why is this a problem though?

I grew up in a multi language household. I spoke language A with Dad. Language B with Mom. It was fine. This reminds me of that.

You could do communication style 1 with partner A.

Then communication style B with partner B.

And if you have to talk to both, could do a blend or even a whole other C style.

Could that help any? NOT trying to "do the same" with each?

Galagirl

Thanks for the reply.

GalaGirl, we used to sync up by going on dates and talking about shared values and such. Sometimes we could go on a hike or something, or even the grocery, and doing these things together would move us back together. Now, when we do things, there is a heavy and uncomfortable silence. I have tried to bring things up in the way I used to, but my original partner says that I am filling the silence with chat that has no meaning.

Your suggestion to communicate differently resonated with me. I asked my original partner if they expected me to communicate in the same manner as our new partner, they said no. I asked if it made sense if the two, our new partner and I, had different communication styles. They said yes. So, that is something positive. I don't know if I would have thought to ask that, because I really thought they expected me to communicate in the way the new partner communicates, considering the language my original partner had used.

Now, I will evaluate how I communicate and what I can do better.

 

[ShirenTheWanderer]

It's usual for people to grow apart. It's also usual for 2 of the people in a triad to feel more connected than with the others

I know. I've seen the statistics, and this is a concern of mine. It could just be something I accept and make the most of.

I'm going to take this opportunity to talk through this instead of relying on my journal. It is nice to hear other people's voices.

My original partner is AFAB, but three years ago began, and has grown, their masculine side. They fell in love with a mutual friend of ours, who is AFAB and has very feminine traits. Over the past three years, they have become very close and share strong emotional, physical, and cognitive connections. As they have grown together, my original partner and I have grown apart. We have gone to couple's therapy, the two of us and then the three of us.

If I take an objective perspective, I think we are not "aligned" even though we love each other. Our realities have shifted so much that we are in a place that feels very complicated.

I love them both, and I don't want to lose them. My life in enriched with them both in it. However, I am not satisfied with my personal experiences and need, and deserve, more than I am getting. At times, I feel more alone with two people than I did with one.

Thanks for reading this and I appreciate the opportunity to express myself in a safe place. <3

 

[GalaGirl]

GalaGirl, we used to sync up by going on dates and talking about shared values and such. Sometimes we could go on a hike or something, or even the grocery, and doing these things together would move us back together. Now, when we do things, there is a heavy and uncomfortable silence. I have tried to bring things up in the way I used to, but my original partner says that I am filling the silence with chat that has no meaning.

So what does that mean when they say that? That they don't want to do this kind of sync talk any more because your values do NOT align any more? They want to break up but don't want to SAY that?

If I take an objective perspective, I think we are not "aligned" even though we love each other. Our realities have shifted so much that we are in a place that feels very complicated.

Are you two dancing around the fact that you have grown apart/grown in different directions? Was this attempt at a triad an attempt to "band-aid" that, like breathe new life into the established relationship?

I can't tell if this is a temporary thing or if basically the relationship with A has run its course.

You are the one actually there.

Maybe this would help you assess what's up with Partner A:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

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Cuz if this is a triad, and you and partner A aren't feeling it any more, maybe it's best to talk that out, and part ways as peacefully as possible, rather than get all frustrated or drag things out, and change to a poly V where you both date B, rather than trying to do a triad with all 3 dating each other.

I love them both, and I don't want to lose them. My life in enriched with them both in it. However, I am not satisfied with my personal experiences and need, and deserve, more than I am getting. At times, I feel more alone with two people than I did with one.

Allowing the relationship shapes to change, even if it means changing to "exes and friends" with Partner A, might work out better. Then they are still in your life, nobody is "lost," and you can move on to date more compatible people and not feel meh about the dating relationship with them.

Your suggestion to communicate differently resonated with me. I asked my original partner if they expected me to communicate in the same manner as our new partner, they said no. I asked if it made sense if the two, our new partner and I, had different communication styles. They said yes. So, that is something positive.

I'm glad partner A doesn't expect you to communicate like B. But does partner A expect themselves to communicate clearly with you? Or are they doing some kind of "drag it out of me cuz I won't say it direct" thing?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ShirenTheWanderer,

You might want to look into "Non-Violent Communication" (NVC). Wikipedia has an article on it. I can't tell what your specific issues are, some examples may help. Also I wonder if your partners are doing their part in trying to communicate better. Keep in mind that at least half of good communication is good listening.

From your subsequent posts, it sounds like your original partner is pulling away from you, in a way that favors the new partner. In that sense, the communication problems may be a symptom and not the actual illness. It's like you are being replaced by the new partner. Maybe it's time to move from a triad, into a V? with the new partner being the hinge of the V, and you and the (would-be ex) original partner being the legs? Just some thoughts.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[ShirenTheWanderer]

So what does that mean when they say that?

That they don't want to do this kind of sync talk any more because values do NOT align any more? They want to break up but don't want to SAY?

My tab crashed. So I will reply in snippets to avoid losing the thread of my thoughts.

I think when my original partner states that they do not want the “small talk” it is them communicating that they want something similar to what they have with our new partner. They are not explicit about that, and they have already stated they don’t expect me to communicate like our new partner, which is new information from our recent conversation. So, I am shifting gears and not going to try and communicate like our new partner and go with what feels natural, is expressive, and honest. Every time we have talked about it, they communicate that they desperately do not want to loose me, nor do I want to lose them. Both of my partners have stated this numerous times.

 

[ShirenTheWanderer]

Are you two dancing around the fact that you have grown apart? Or grown in different directions? Was this attempt at triad an attempt to "bandaid" that? Like breathe new life into the established relationship?

I can't tell if this is a temporary thing or basically the relationship with A has run its course.

You are the one actually there.

Maybe this helps you assess what's up with Partner A?

To a degree, yes. That has always been a concern that has hovered on the periphery. However, my original partner and I have been a couple since 1992, so the history is deep. I feel strongly connected with them, and I am still drawn to them. I enjoy spending time with them as well. Falling in love with our new partner wasn't anything they planned, it just sort of happened, we even discussed, all of us, what it would all look like, how it would feel, etc. The triad sort of evolved naturally as the three of us spent time together. Keep in mind, we lived in the het-cis binary until three years ago. So, it has been a lot of change.

 

[ShirenTheWanderer]

Cuz if this is a triad, and you and partner A aren't feeling it any more? Maybe it's best to talk that out.

And part ways as peacefully as possible. Rather than get all frustrated or dragging things out.

And change to a poly V where you both date B rather than trying to triad with all 3 dating each other.


Allowing the relationship shapes to change? Even if it means changing to "exes and friends" with Partner A might work out better. Then they are still in your life and nobody is "lost."

And you can move on to date more compatible people and not feel meh about the dating relationship with them.

So, this aspect is a little complicated. My original partner is definitely the hinge for us all. They are literally my best friend. My connection with our new partner is more familial and has a very different vibe. The love is still there, just a different energy. I think we would all be okay with the evolution of our relationships, and I have brought up venturing out to meet more compatible people, but I am afraid of causing issues and complicating an already complicated situation. Platonic roommates have come up before and as long as I don't lose them, I am okay with that. As far as peaceful goes, that isn't a problem. We are all pretty chill. Breaking up would be an epic challenge, though, TBH. We have kids, a house, investments, etc. Basically, I am intertwined deeply with these two awesome people. I built an entire life with one that I truly value, and our new partner is merging their life into ours. Slowly, over three and half years. I know that doesn't really address what you said, but I think it gives context, and I don't honestly know what another reality would look like.

 

[ShirenTheWanderer]

I'm glad partner doesn't expect you to communicate like B. But does partner expect themselves to communicate clearly with you? Or are they doing some kind of "drag it out of me cuz I won't say direct" thing?

So, they struggle with that. They have always struggled with expressing themselves, until now with our new partner. It used to be acts of kindness, or service, but that evolved into something else that they share together. I don't quite know how to explain it, but it looks calm and natural and kind. They are much softer with our new partner than they were with me, but our new partner is a much softer person than I am as well, and I think it draws that out of both of us. That said, "yes," there are opportunities for improvement when it comes to how they communicate with me and meeting me part way when we discuss things.

When I asked why they were so quiet and distant, they said they were, "matching my energy." We all talked, both partners and our couple's therapist, about what that meant, but if they are matching my confused vibe of tiptoeing around in confusion, then I am definitely doing the wrong thing. My plan is to just be me and communicate what's going on in my heart and head.

 

[ShirenTheWanderer]

Hello ShirenTheWanderer,

You might want to look into "Non-Violent Communication" (NVC). Wikipedia has an article on it. I can't tell what your specific issues are, some examples may help. Also I wonder if your partners are doing their part in trying to communicate better. Keep in mind that at least half of good communication is good listening.

From your subsequent posts, it sounds like your original partner is pulling away from you, in a way that favors the new partner. In that sense, the communication problems may be a symptom and not the actual illness. It's like you are being replaced by the new partner. Maybe it's time to move from a triad, into a V? with the new partner being the hinge of the V, and you and the (would-be ex) original partner being the legs? Just some thoughts.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Thank you for the response and your suggestions. I actually used NVC as a Sped. Teacher. I had not thought of applying this to our relationships, but I will now. As far as listening goes, I don't know. Sometimes when I express myself to my original partner, they sit silently and do not respond. It is a little like they are choosing to only engage in certain types of conversation, but when I ask, they said they heard me. I am afraid to press further because I do not want to upset them. I typically let the conversation die. It seems as though it is a choice. It is new and something that they have never done with our conversations before.

It feels like they are pulling away from me and moving closer to our new partner. I don't know if that is true, but it feels that way. Actually, one thing they did say a few months ago was they have never had an emotional connection as strong as the one they share with the new partner. The two of them are very natural together. It does cause me concern, and I am often left feeling excluded or isolated, but every discussion goes back to my communication deficits. So, that is my focus.

As far as our new partner being the hinge, I do not have that sort of connection with her. I love her, but we are not in that space. My original partner has been the hinge thus far, and our new partner and I have gone through a great deal of puzzling out what we are. I have no word for it. I am sure there is a word for friend lover in another language, but I do not know what that is. Thanks again for responding.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Are you sexually and romantically intimate with the other person?

 

[ShirenTheWanderer]

Are you sexually and romantically intimate with the other person?

Yes.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm just going to go with Apple and Banana for names because no names is hard. If you want to change to something else, I'm happy to go with that.

I'm go to repeat what I read back in my own words. You tell me if I get anything wrong. Blue is mine.

So at this time, this is a triad.

You and Apple have been together since 1992, and have kids, a house, investments, etc. (Are you also married?)

You and Banana have been friends and started dating 4 years ago. (That means sharing sex and romance with them.)

Apple also dates Banana. (That means sharing sex and romance with them.)

Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. It's a thing of its own. (People here share sex on their own as couples, right? Or is that part of the problem? )

I think we would all be okay with the evolution of our relationships, and I have brought up venturing out to meet more compatible people, but I am afraid of causing issues and complicating an already complicated situation.

You think people would be ok with things changing and you have brought up dating other people. But even though you think your partners would be ok with change... you still don't want to actually change/go date other people/rock the boat. (Is that true?)

It feels like they are pulling away from me and moving closer to our new partner. I don't know if that is true, but it feels that way.

You are worried about the (You + Apple) connection.

Apple is all into (Apple + Banana) and maybe neglecting your dyad.

As far as listening goes, I don't know. Sometimes when I express myself to my original partner, they sit silently and do not respond. It is a little like they are choosing to only engage in certain types of conversation, but when I ask, they said they heard me. I am afraid to press further because I do not want to upset them. I typically let the conversation die. It seems as though it is a choice. It is new and something that they have never done with our conversations before.

You and Apple are having communication issues.

You think Apple is stonewalling. (Is that true?)

Is there any poly hell stuff going on here?

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

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As far as our new partner being the hinge, I do not have that sort of connection with her. I love her, but we are not in that space. My original partner has been the hinge thus far, and our new partner and I have gone through a great deal of puzzling out what we are.

(You + Banana) -- you love her, but you aren't in the same space as (Apple + Banana.)

(You + Banana) are trying to figure out what you are -- like friends with benefits or what.

You all see a therapist, but haven't been able to get a new appointment yet.

I think we would all be okay with the evolution of our relationships, and I have brought up venturing out to meet more compatible people, but I am afraid of causing issues and complicating an already complicated situation. Platonic roommates have come up before and as long as I don't lose them, I am okay with that. As far as peaceful goes, that isn't a problem. We are all pretty chill. Breaking up would be an epic challenge, though, TBH.

You would be ok if this ends up breaking up and you wind up platonic roomies with Apple and Banana. You are very concerned about "losing them."

I don't honestly know what another reality would look like.

You can't imagine a different life that is NOT deeply entwined with Apple. So you have some fear of the unknown. (Is that true?)

Is that about it?

Galagirl

 

[ShirenTheWanderer]

You are so in tune with this.

I'm just going to go with Apple and Banana for names because no names is hard. If you want to change to something else, I'm happy to go with that.

Love that.

I'm go to repeat what I read back in my own words. You tell me if I get anything wrong. Blue is mine.

So at this time, this is a triad.

Yes.

You and Apple have been together since 1992, and have kids, a house, investments, etc. (Are you also married?)

Yes.

You and Banana have been friends and started dating 4 years ago. (That means sharing sex and romance with them.)

Actually, the three of us have been just friends for about 4 years prior, and it was actually Apple that fell in love with Banana. I was happy and supportive of Apple living their truth, and my relationship with Banana developed over time. Yes, Banana and I share sex and romance.

Apple also dates Banana. (That means sharing sex and romance with them.)

Apple and Banana also share sex and romance.

Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. It's a thing of its own. (People here share sex on their own as couples, right? Or is that part of the problem? )

Yes, each of us has shared sex as a couple, and we have shared it together as a triad. The communication challenges that I personally experience make connecting for intimacy difficult, though, with both Apple and Banana at this time.

You think people would be ok with things changing and you have brought up dating other people. But even though you think your partners would be ok with change... you still don't want to actually change/go date other people/rock the boat. (Is that true?)

Not fully. Apple has already communicated they are okay with that scenario. Banana and I haven't had the conversation yet, because we struggle with daily typical conversation. I do not think Banana would be okay with it.

You are worried about the (You + Apple) connection.

Yes, that is primary concern.

Apple is all into (Apple + Banana) and maybe neglecting your dyad.

Yes. Very much so.

You and Apple are having communication issues.

You think Apple is stonewalling. (Is that true?)

I don't know if that is what they are doing. They will communicate, but I think they are holding out for me to communicate differently than what I have done in the past. As they were, I too relied heavily on acts of service and "doing" for others. However, I am also very open and vulnerable, but I think maybe I am not coming across that way to them since we are now in different places and building new schemas.

Is there any poly hell stuff going on here?

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

No, I read this a few years ago. Feelings of displacement have come up, but both Apple and Banana tell me that is not what is happening and that they love me. Side note: my Masters is in Behavioral Psych. and I have spent my entire life (my sister has FAS, and I am ACOA) working with individuals with behavioral challenges. So, I watch people a carefully, and often the words and actions don't match. I trust them, though, so I am still trying to puzzle things out.

(You + Banana) -- you love her, but you aren't in the same space as (Apple + Banana.)

Yes.

(You + Banana) are trying to figure out what you are -- like friends with benefits or what.

We have talked about it, but Banana and I are a bit romantic and sentimental and that term doesn't quite fit for us, but fundamentally, yes.

You all see a therapist, but haven't been able to get a new appointment yet.

Yes.

You would be ok if this ends up breaking up and you wind up platonic roomies with Apple and Banana. You are very concerned about "losing them."

That is my a huge irrational fear of mine. I really do love them both and cannot imagine a life without either, Apple especially.

You can't imagine a different life that is NOT deeply entwined with Apple. So you have some fear of the unknown. (Is that true?)

Yes. I never feel safe. Banana and I actually had a conversation about this the other day. They said I only talk about the past four years and my childhood before Apple. I expressed to them that those were the hardest times. They asked me why I never vent about the time I was with Apple. I told them it was the only time I felt safe and happy. That sounds a bit dramatic when I write it like that, but Apple has been my safe place since I was 16, now 48. So, even though they changed, and I felt nothing but compersion for them, it wasn't until it shifted my reality that I was shaken. I wasn't looking for anything and am enriched with Banana in my life, but I am struggling with the challenges, especially communication. It doesn't help that I struggle with change in general (probably remnants of being ACOA). They are both kind and patient, so that is good.

Is that about it?

Galagirl

I am amazed by your insight and how well you made sense of my rambling posts. This conversation is really helping me process things. Having a safe place for the conversation is beautiful.

 

[ShirenTheWanderer]

You think people would be ok with things changing and you have brought up dating other people. But even though you think your partners would be ok with change... you still don't want to actually change/go date other people/rock the boat. (Is that true?)

Sorry, I think I missed answering part of this. I want friendships and people I can talk to and hang out with, but I really am not looking for anyone to date and part of that is because I don't want to rock the boat, yes. Also, I have literally been with the same person since I was 16, and I have no concepts of what that would even look like. Apple and I hit it off in 10th grade, and we fit together ridiculously well. We worked together a few times, raised children, and have run successful businesses together. I am super afraid to rock boats.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad seeing it written that way helps you some.

Yes, each of us has shared sex as a couple, and we have shared it together as a triad. The communication challenges that I personally experience make connecting for intimacy difficult, though, with both Apple and Banana at this time.

So far pending communication seems to be...

• With Apple -- you are worried they are so into Banana that they are taking you for granted. Have you said it PLAIN like that?
• With Banana -- you haven't talked about you dating other people yet. Could get on with it.
• With Apple -- You are having trouble initiating sex because of this pending other stuff you want to talk about with them.
• With Banana -- You are having trouble initiating sex because of this pending other stuff you want to talk about with them.

Not fully. Apple has already communicated they are okay with that scenario. Banana and I haven't had the conversation yet, because we struggle with daily typical conversation. I do not think Banana would be okay with it.

So, if you have the conversation with Banana, and they aren't ok with you dating others, would you break up with Banana, heal from that, then move on to dating new poly partners?

So, even though they changed, and I felt nothing but compersion for them, it wasn't until it shifted my reality that I was shaken. I wasn't looking for anything and am enriched with Banana in my life, but I am struggling with the challenges, especially communication.

So Banana is the only other person you have ever dated/shared sex with, besides Apple. Is some of this upset from that, grief that Apple is NOT the only person anymore, there's Banana now, and struggles with "Was it even worth it?" are swirling around in your head?

It doesn't help that I struggle with change in general (probably remnants of being ACOA). They are both kind and patient, so that is good.

What work are you doing to address being Adult Child of Alcoholic? Nobody else here has alcohol problems, do they? Apple, Banana, you, your kids?

What has changed recently for you? I am not clear on that. You all have been in this triad for 4 years. Is the change that the triad doesn't work for you any more, and you feel Apple pulling away, so you're wondering if Apple doesn't want the triad any more, either?

Sorry, I think I missed answering part of this. I want friendships and people I can talk to and hang out with, but I really am not looking for anyone to date and part of that is because I don't want to rock the boat, yes. Also, I have literally been with the same person since I was 16, and I have no concepts of what that would even look like. Apple and I hit it off in 10th grade, and we fit together ridiculously well. We worked together a few times, raised children, and have run successful businesses together. I am super afraid to rock boats.

How is your social wellness? Are are Apple and Banana it? What other adult friends or people to talk to do you have?

If you and Apple run a business together, do you get enough SPACE away from Apple? Cuz they are also your coworker.

How did you and Apple befriend Banana? Was it Apple first and then Banana coming around to see Apple meant you also started becoming friends?

Are you able to make friends on your own WITHOUT Apple being any part of it?

That is my a huge irrational fear of mine. I really do love them both and cannot imagine a life without either, Apple especially.

Understandable. You had an adult life before Banana, so you can remember that and imagine adult life without Banana, cuz you've done it before. You did not have any adult life before Apple, if you two got together at 16. Your life before Apple was childhood/some teens. So it's hard to imagine an adult life without them in it, if they've been there for all of it so far.

Galagirl

 

[ShirenTheWanderer]

Thanks, all of this is helping.

Glad seeing it written that way helps you some.



So far pending communication seems to be...

• With Apple -- you are worried they are so into Banana that they are taking you for granted. Have you said it PLAIN like that?
• With Banana -- you haven't talked about you dating other people yet. Could get on with it.
• With Apple -- You are having trouble initiating sex because of this pending other stuff you want to talk about with them.
• With Banana -- You are having trouble initiating sex because of this pending other stuff you want to talk about with them.

In regard to feeling taken for granted, I have not said that plainly to Apple yet. I need to, but I also know I have a tendency to allow it. As far as dating and Banana, I'm not really worried about dating. I do want to feel connected with the people I love. They both have stated numerous times that they want me in their lives and that they love me. You are correct about the communication struggles are causing an issue in all other areas.

So... if you have the conversation with Banana and they aren't ok with you dating others?

Would you break up with Banana, heal from that, then move on to dating new poly partners?

I don't think I would break up with anyone. We are very integrated, and I don't think that would even be an option at this point. I think we would have to talk about our relationship dynamics and what everything would look like.

So Banana is the only other person you ever dated/shared sex with besides Apple? Is some of this upset from that?

Banana is the only other person I have been with aside from Apple. I am okay with that. There are no negative feelings for me about this. When we were all connecting emotionally, the intimacy was wonderful.

Grief that Apple is NOT the only person any more? There's been Banana now? And struggles with "Was it even worth it?" swirling around in your head?

I had not considered that. We have successfully done so much, that I see the intrinsic value of what we have built. Grief is a good word though that I would not have thought of for how I feel about the idea of what our relationship was.

What work are you doing to address being Adult Child of Alcoholic? Nobody here has alcohol problems do they? Apple? Banana? You? Your kids?

No, everything in my life is super vanilla and actually pretty chill aside from these relationship challenges. I have seen a couple of therapists and done some EMDR work for my childhood trauma. I still have to evaluate my initial responses to things and make sure I am not employing unhealthy, old, coping mechanisms.

What has changed recently for you? I am not clear on that. You all have been in this triad for 4 years.

There has been a lot of significant change in our lives not associated with this relationship. However, our relationship has experienced a good bit of fluctuation over the past four years. It was V hinge for a long time. Then we evolved into a triad. Our communication issues have only become more challenging as Apple and Banana have grown as a couple. We are not quite either a V or Triad right now.

Is the change that triad doesn't work for you any more? And you feel Apple pulling away? So wondering if Apple doesn't want triad any more either?

I am comfortable in the V or the Triad. Yes, Apple has pulled away as they have grown closer to Banana. My communication was given as the cause for the distance that has grown between us. Apple said they did want to maintain the Triad, actually that is one of the reasons we went to couple's therapy to begin with. Neither one of us want to lose the other.

How is your social wellness?

Are are Apple and Banana it? What other adult friends do you have? People to talk to?

This part is pretty poor. I don't really have a social life. I write novels from home and spend time with Apple, Banana, the kids, and my disabled sister. I do workout regularly, but the people I know aren't safe for this sort of conversation. We keep it very surface.

If you and Apple run business together -- do you get enough SPACE away from Apple? Cuz they are also your coworker.

Apple and Banana, and I also run a home restoration company out of house, and we homeschool our two minors who still live at home (Apple and Banana each have one).

And how did you and Apple befriend Banana? Apple first and then Banana coming around to see Apple meant you also started becoming friends?

Apple and Banana had our kids in a group together. Then I became friends through Apple's connection. You are correct.

Are you able to make friends on your own WITHOUT Apple being any part of

Yes. I just don't get out much, and I am not sure where to find like-minded folks. I've made friends at work, when I was teaching at different schools just, and I've maintained friendships from school (online now) since we all live in different parts of the country. I am trying to figure this aspect out as well, tangentially.

Understandable. You had adult life before Banana. So you can remember that and imagine adult life without Banana -- cuz you've done it before.

You did not have any adult life before Apple if you two got together at 16. Your life before Apple is childhood/some teens. So it's hard to imagine an adult life without them in it if they've been there for all of it so far.

Galagirl

Right. I am not looking to change the relationships, I just am trying to learn new ways to communicate more effectively to meet Apple's, and the relationship's, needs.

This is a lot to process. Thanks for taking the time to ask these questions. I miss the forest for the trees sometimes.

 

[GalaGirl]

In regard to feeling taken for granted, I have not said that plainly to Apple yet. I need to, but I also know I have a tendency to allow it.

You allow Apple to neglect the (you + Apple) connection?

Along with not speaking PLAIN... you seem to choose vocab that is indirect.

"The communication challenges that I personally experience make connecting for intimacy difficult"

is not as direct

"I'm having a hard time initiating sex."

Does being more assertive in your communication feel aggressive because you aren't used to it? And because you and Apple used to communicate passively by "doing for others" like acts of service and not really saying anything direct?

Have you both still been using "more shy communication" from meeting as teens rather than letting the communication style "grow up" along with you? Could that be a possibility?

You sound pretty isolated. Even if you don't make poly friends, I think you could join more things online or in your local community that you like to do. Book group, hobby thing, volunteer, etc.

I am not looking to change the relationships, I just am trying to learn new ways to communicate more effectively to meet Apple's, and the relationship's, needs.

You seem to center Apple A LOT.

What makes YOU happy? Brings YOU joy? What needs do you have that need meeting?

So far I see

• social wellness needs -- hanging with people NOT Apple and NOT Banana
• sex needs -- with Apple
• sex needs with Banana
• Missing talks that need to happen with Apple
• Missing talks that need to happen with Banana
• Speaking more plain/assertive when you DO communicate, rather than being so meek and mild or just letting things slide.

GG