Yes, I am not comfortable making demands or putting expectations on others. It feels like I am imposing upon them. I recognize this as an irrational ACOA thing and I am working on it.You allow Apple to neglect the (you + Apple) connection?
Yes. You are right. This is an issue.Along with not speaking PLAIN... you seem to choose vocab that is indirect.
"The communication challenges that I personally experience make connecting for intimacy difficult"
is not as direct
"I'm having a hard time initiating sex."
Yes, I am not naturally an aggressive person, so it feels very incongruent to my existing modalities. I had not considered the passivity of our previous communication style. That makes a lot of sense. Apple has been much more direct and explicit about their wants, needs, and boundaries. Your phrasing is making a few things click for me.Does being more assertive in your communication feel aggressive because you aren't used to it? And because you and Apple used to communicate passively by "doing for others" like acts of service and not really saying anything direct?
Yes. That is a perfect way to describe how I communicate and how we have communicated until recently. Over the years we would have peaks and valleys of this communication style and I can see how we were "stuck" now. They have definitely grown past this with Banana. This seems like the thing I need to focus on.Have you both still been using "more shy communication" from meeting as teens rather than letting the communication style "grow up" along with you? Could that be a possibility?
I know. Working on it. I just joined local a writing group, so there is progress there.You sound pretty isolated. Even if you don't make poly friends, I think you could join more things online or in your local community that you like to do. Book group, hobby thing, volunteer, etc.
Yeah, I do that.You seem to center Apple A LOT.
This is all very accurate. I really appreciate your perspective on this. I probably shouldn't thank you for the list above, but my brain works that way, so I am grateful.What makes YOU happy? Brings YOU joy? What needs do you have that need meeting?
So far I see
- social wellness needs -- hanging with people NOT Apple and NOT Banana
- sex needs -- with Apple
- sex needs with Banana
- Missing talks that need to happen with Apple
- Missing talks that need to happen with Banana
- Speaking more plain/assertive when you DO communicate, rather than being so meek and mild or just letting things slide.