Poly girlfriend dating a monomgmous guy

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pasttence1977

New member
*Monogamous guy

Hey there. New to this forum :) I am currently in a long term poly relationship with two women. "T" and I have been together for 11 years, "S" and I for 4 years. "T" has been in a couple dating situations over the years, but nothing really ever panned out. Mostly because the other guys got cold feet with the whole poly thing. "E" and I have built our relationship with endless talks about how poly was in our nature, that monogamy wasn't for us. Also we both agree that we are very compatible, probably to the point that it disgusts other people. We have always been really good at communicating, and when we get angry we are able to chill out quickly and resolve any issue. Last, we have kinky fetishes in common. She is adamant in her position that she does not prefer vanilla sex. Over all, I adore her!

Now to the issue at hand. "S" hasn't dated anyone till now, so this is a whole new experience for us. She met a guy from work and has been dating for almost 2 months. He just so happens to be monogamous, and I mean VERY monogamous! He is also very inexperienced with relationships, "S" is the second woman he has ever been with. Also, she has told me that he has no sexual fetishes, that the sex is very vanilla. But, he is a nice guy and repects her, so I like him enough. However I am starting to worry a little bit because after she sees him she seems a little off. She tends to get a bit cold and ranty towards me. She sometimes tells me she is doubting her desire to be poly. And while she is with him I constantly get a text from her saying "I dont want to come home, I want more time". This all is fine except I know she would jump in the car early and speed off to see him leaving me twittling my thumbs. Worst of all, she told me that if he ever chose that he wasnt OK with her being poly and seeing me, that she would have to choose between me and him, or none of us. I assume this all could just be initial infatuation since its new, but how much is too much? Is there a too much? I am worried about this guy hurting her. I have told her anyone she chooses to be with is my friend, and that I will support the both of them, but I just feel a little uneasy. I dont know what to say to her, if I should tell her what I think about this guy she is with, or if I should just for good or bad let it run its course. And, I also have a small fear of losing her... Thoughts?
 
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Sounds like when i got with my boyfriend, I wanted to be with him all the time. Lucky for mw my husband was away 5 days a week for the first 5 weeks bf and I got together so we had a lot of time together with husband feeling left out.

How much time does she get to be with him? Sounds like she's enjoying her new relationshinearilwants more time with him. It's could thusband had me aal months or longer for her new relationship energy to lessen but this new relationship she's taking on could change your dynamic with her. My boyfriend became a co primary where I spend nearly half my time with him where before my husband had me all to himself
 
Hi and welcome :)

Personally, I'd probably let it run its course. See what happens. This might be a real time of personal growth for her and she may come out the other side somewhat different.

Assuming E is S, you said your relationship was built on a foundation of talking about your similarities. It could be that she is open to influences from those she gets to know. Your conversations resulted in the life you now have. Her conversations with the new guy might result in her doing a 180 of some of her life choices, temporarily or permanently. This isn't a bad thing. It's a growth thing. Unless she starts doing seriously harmful stuff to herself or others, then no intervention is necessary. I anticipate that there might be a move away from your relationship to possibly even being mono with the new guy. If it happens, you'll probably hurt the most. But it will literally be "it's not you, it's me" (from her end).

You've said the guy respects her, so he won't be setting out to do harm. Hurt, however, is generally a part of any evolution of relationships and I don't think it should be guarded against, but rather understood (causes, outcomes and progressions afterwards).

Keep doing the things that you and her do best, including the kink, but also the other things that has made your relationship work for the past 4 years. Remember you're used to being a hinge, it's new to her. Help her learn how to be a good hinge by being a good arm :)
 
Well, you don't get a say about who she dates if you respect her autonomy and her ability to make her own choices in life - so suck it up, Buttercup. If you really want to do something considerate for her, give her some time to transition/process/decompress after she's been with the other guy before you interact/converse with/make requests of her.
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

Most of this seems to be her figuring out how to be a hinge. And you figuring out your boundaries with (her as hinge.)

She has told me that he has no sexual fetishes, that the sex is very vanilla.
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Is that stuff you want to hear and he's ok with her sharing? If not, tell her to stop oversharing private sex details between them with you.

I am starting to worry a little bit because after she sees him she seems a little off. She tends to get a bit cold and ranty towards me.
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Does she need more space after a date? You could ask and respect her answer. Or if you notice she's a pill, you give her space because YOU need it. She comes looking for you all ranty, tell her you prefer to give it at least a day between seeing him and seeing you.

She sometimes tells me she is doubting her desire to be poly.
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Ok. Fair enough. We all have doubts sometimes about things. Where is problem with this revelation?

She drops it on you at times you want to be sleeping or are busy at work?And that is disruptive? Tell her when you are up for listening and when you are not. Expect her to respect your boundaries.

And while she is with him I constantly get a text from her saying "I dont want to come home, I want more time".
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Could tell her to stop texting you and set the date time longer next time. Her poor time management is her problem. Not yours. You are not her keeper.

She told me that if he ever chose that he wasnt OK with her being poly and seeing me, that she would have to choose between me and him, or none of us.
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Correct. She would have to choose what she wants more at that point in time. Life is full of choices all day long.

  • I am worried about this guy hurting her.
  • I just feel a little uneasy.
  • I also have a small fear of losing her.

That sounds like you want reassuring. You could ask if she's willing to reassure you that she will keep you informed along the way as things change. And should it come to a break up, she will try to do it the way you prefer. (ex: in person rather than over text.) Have the conversations you need to be having so you can RELAX and give this the space it needs to play out without you being on pins and needles.

It is easy to blame the dude because he is the new variable. But really the new behaviors that seem to be shaking you up are coming out of her -- in her new role as hinge. Her oversharing sex details, texting you while on dates, changing times, expressing doubts, etc.

You don't know what is "normal" or not for her in this role because it is the first time. You don't have benefit of past experience like "She always goes loopy for a month and then chills out again" to help inform you.

So your sense of stability is shaken up some.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I am sorry you struggle.

Most of this seems to be her figuring out how to be a hinge. And you figuring out your boundaries with (her as hinge.)



Is that stuff you want to hear and he's ok with her sharing? If not, tell her to stop oversharing private sex details between them with you.



Does she need more space after a date? You could ask and respect her answer. Or if you notice she's a pill, you give her space because YOU need it. She comes looking for you all ranty, tell her you prefer to give it at least a day between seeing him and seeing you.



Ok. Fair enough. We all have doubts sometimes about things. Where is problem with this revelation?

She drops it on you at times you want to be sleeping or are busy at work?And that is disruptive? Tell her when you are up for listening and when you are not. Expect her to respect your boundaries.



Could tell her to stop texting you and set the date time longer next time. Her poor time management is her problem. Not yours. You are not her keeper.



Correct. She would have to choose what she wants more at that point in time. Life is full of choices all day long.

  • I am worried about this guy hurting her.
  • I just feel a little uneasy.
  • I also have a small fear of losing her.

That sounds like you want reassuring. You could ask if she's willing to reassure you that she will keep you informed along the way as things change. And should it come to a break up, she will try to do it the way you prefer. (ex: in person rather than over text.) Have the conversations you need to be having so you can RELAX and give this the space it needs to play out without you being on pins and needles.

It is easy to blame the dude because he is the new variable. But really the new behaviors that seem to be shaking you up are coming out of her -- in her new role as hinge. Her oversharing sex details, texting you while on dates, changing times, expressing doubts, etc.

You don't know what is "normal" or not for her in this role because it is the first time. You don't have benefit of past experience like "She always goes loopy for a month and then chills out again" to help inform you.

So your sense of stability is shaken up some.

Galagirl
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Thanks for all your responses. Like I said I am pretty new to all this so I appreciate all your input. I actually have to learn what a "hinge" even is! I probably should have mentioned that "S" and I live together and have been for 2 years, so "going a day without seeing each other to let her stop being a pill" is kind of out of the question. I am fine with her dating, but being OK with her dating a guy whom she barely knows for less then two months and get ready for her to possibly move on seems like a stretch to me. Seems like thats what some people are saying here, yikes! Of course I dont want to lose "S", I mean who wants to lose anyone?! But if that does happen then it was meant to be I guess. Cant say that would not suck on so many levels.
Anyways I am probably making this out to be a bigger deal then it really is. We both dont want to break up. I will be "S's" support no matter what, and I am gathering letting her be with this guy is the correct course to go, and let the universe decide. :)
 
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Actually, I don't think she is behaving in a way that is kind, fair, or appropriate.

I think it's wrong to treat your partner in the way that she has been treating you and it is a consequence of her mishandling NRE. Yes, you could consider that she needs time to transition after seeing him and back off a bit, but that doesn't mean that it is okay for her to be cold and ranty towards you. She has to curb that behavior. It's extremely unkind to tell you that she is doubting whether poly is for her whilst she continues to remind you how much she likes this other guy. If she is having doubts, she needs to make a decision and stick to it, not keep you on your toes like she has been. That becomes torturous.

I think that she needs to be reminded of the relationship she already had and what space that leaves for other relationships. Say you have ten "energy" units of space for love and sexual relationships, a fulltime live in relationship might take up six or seven of those and that only leaves you three to have relations with other people. If she feels that your relationship with her is talking up too many units for her to have the relationships she wants with other people, she has to be brave and scale back your relationship to something more casual than it is now. Or, if she decides that monogamy with this guy is her preferred future, she needs to end it with you.

What you need to be careful of is that you become S's default until she finds someone who she can have the type of relationship she really needs with them. Being unquestionably supportive sometimes equates to you being used and then dumped after you have served your purpose. In the nicest way possible, of course. I'd avoid that at all costs.
 
Thanks for clarifying that you live together.

I probably should have mentioned that "S" and I live together and have been for 2 years, so "going a day without seeing each other to let her stop being a pill" is kind of out of the question.
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You could modify that to "we don't talk about that until ___" then. Info management -- what topics you talk about, when you talk about it. Like Tuesday nite from 7-8 PM is the time. Then the rest of the week can be chill.

Over time and as both get more comfortable, info management boundaries can change.

I am fine with her dating, but being OK with her dating a guy whom she barely knows for less then two months and get ready for her to possibly move on seems like a stretch to me.
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You say you are fine with her dating. You do not seem fine with how she is doing it right now. That's what I am trying to lift up to you.

You are nervous about her dating a guy she barely knows. And her behaviors right now are throwing you. You are assigning this upset to "the new guy thing" but I am saying "I think it is more her behavior that's the thing."

In these first stages, the new hinge sometimes blurts TMI in this effort to include the established partner. Or they do it from habit -- established partner has always been "the confidante" before, and they fail to see how inappropriate some of it is now. Then it bugs the established partner and makes them feel like "Gush, gush, gush about the new person, doubts about us, etc. NOW what?!" anxious. The established partner could be better with Cliff Notes once in a while. They don't want the instant replay or the play-by-play.

Is that happening here to you? Could it be better for you if she process that stuff with someone outside the system if she needs someone to do that with?

You guys could talk about

  • what info you need to know (ex: sex health labs, birth control)
  • what you want to know (ex: When dates are and when she is coming back -- for general safety and calendar planning.)
  • what you do NOT want to know. (ex:TMI sex details, etc.)
  • And how OFTEN (ex: once a week is fine. Daily is too much.)

I am not saying to expect her to date him and dump you. I am saying step back and realize that she's been with you 4 years. This is challenging but not the end of the world. If for some crazy reason she did want to break up (though she does not) you know she would do it like you asked and talked about. (have that talk if you haven't.) You know she would treat you well no matter what. That can be comforting. Could learn to build up your self-reassuring talk.

Also could learn to ask if you also need reassuring from her or you need her to start/stop doing certain behaviors. Hopefully she is willing to do it.

Then give it some space -- and if she's having problems or issues with him, and trips up blurting at you about it, remind her to keep it on her side of the fence and stop blurting at you. Call her on it when it happens. Keep healthy boundaries.

I will be "S's" support no matter what
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It is not just about being supportive of her. It's also about you supporting YOU through this transition and doing what you need to be healthy going through it.

If hearing TMI details bugs you, tell her so. Ask her to stop oversharing with you, and encourage to share them with someone outside the system. That's you being supportive of her need to tell and process. AND you being supportive of your need to have a little emotional space for your own well being.

Maybe read poly hell together.

Galagirl
 
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Hi pasttence1977,

My vote is for you to let S handle her own relationship with this other guy. She is a grown-up and can tend to her own affairs. If she asks for your opinion on the matter you can offer it, but otherwise I would just let it be.

You can speak up for things she does that affect you, such as being cold and ranty, or suddenly changing the schedule on you. But if this guy she's seeing is going to hurt her, so be it. Not your job to shield her from that.

Thus and so are my thoughts so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
pasttence1977 said:
And while she is with him I constantly get a text from her saying "I dont want to come home, I want more time".
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Why does that sound like a teenager asking her mom if she can stay at her boyfriend's? She's an adult. She can just text once and say "I'm coming home late / in the morning" and that's that.

S (nicknames instead of initials are helpful, btw) is still learning how to date. Let her learn in her way. Focus on communicating your own needs and feelings, and don't worry about what she's doing when she's not home.
 
pasttence1977 said:
... Last, we have kinky fetishes in common. She is adamant in her position that she does not prefer vanilla sex. .....he has no sexual fetishes, that the sex is very vanilla. ......She sometimes tells me she is doubting her desire to be poly.
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It sounds like you're wondering if she just flat out has found someone she prefers sexually, props or no props. Yes?
 
SchrodingersCat said:
Why does that sound like a teenager asking her mom if she can stay at her boyfriend's? She's an adult. She can just text once and say "I'm coming home late / in the morning" and that's that.

S (nicknames instead of initials are helpful, btw) is still learning how to date. Let her learn in her way. Focus on communicating your own needs and feelings, and don't worry about what she's doing when she's not home.
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Its not how she said it thats bothering me really. It is incidents where she promised me she would be home at a certain time. I dont mind if she is a little late, but if I bought food food dinner, or left my friends house to be home to see her, cancelled other arrangements -was excited to see her etc, yeah, it ticks me off. "I'm coming home late / in the morning" and that's that" seriously? Her doing something like this is supposed to be OK?
 
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No. It is def not ok to schedule a dinner date with you after her date with her new BF. And keep calling to push back the time she gets home. It's not respectful.

If this is becoming a problem because of her poor time management, you could DECLINE any back-to-back dates with her like that in future. Stay hanging out at your friend's house, don't get special dinner food, etc. Do your own thing.

Reconnect with time together the next day or so when she's prepared to give you her full attention and be PRESENT.

Saying "no" to back-to-back dates gives YOU more emotional space for your well being. She's likely going to trip up if this is her first time out as a hinge person. Make it so you are less "dingable" by her mistakes.

That is not pulling away from the relationship, or not being supportive of her dating. It is being realistic about the calendar and meeting YOUR need for the calendar to be as low stress as possible rather than shaken up by her behaviors. It is only 2 mos in -- some wonky is to be expected. If she's still behaving this way many months or years later -- then it's something else. But give her some space and time to get her act together. Some things can only be learned by doing.

In the meanwhile, stand back from the splash zone.

Hopefully she appreciates your tolerance and efforts to stay level headed and you can appreciate more stability from you keeping stronger personal boundaries in a time of change.

Galagirl
 
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pasttence1977 said:
I want her to find someone she prefers sexually, part of our fetish is I like her to enjoy sex with others. She told me she likes it because its new.
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So now you're totally cool with "others?" :confused:
Because in your OP you say this:
pasttence1977 said:
She sometimes tells me she is doubting her desire to be poly. And while she is with him I constantly get a text from her saying "I dont want to come home, I want more time".
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...which sounds to me like you're worried that she digs the other guy more than you, kink or no kink, and that pressed to do so, she would choose the other guy.
 
Well, of course he is scared when she experiences a lot of NRE, mismanages he time and says that she might skip poly since her new boyfriend is mono.
 
Norwegianpoly said:
Well, of course he is scared when she experiences a lot of NRE, mismanages he time and says that she might skip poly since her new boyfriend is mono.
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OK, just trying to understand because he also says this:
pasttence1977 said:
I want her to find someone she prefers sexually
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I'm not sure, maybe I'm confused because (according to the OP) the a fetish aspect of their relationship to find additional partners implies sport fucking, but the girlfriend seems to have broken the "rules" by finding someone she really really, really, really likes. If this were me, I would not get hung up on the scheduling aspect, but on looking into whether she is truly into poly with the OP or mono with the new guy. And if the OP really wants poly (and not just sport fucking) with other people, then learning how to navigate NRE is a huge part of the deal. Personally, I don't see how indulging a fetish for newcomers fits with polyamory. "Fetish" means that the novelty is what turns you on, not the person. The girlfriend here has gone beyond playing the fetish game and has enetered the world of love (or super duper like a lot.)
 
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FallenAngelina said:
OK, just trying to understand because he also says this:



I'm not sure, maybe I'm confused because (according to the OP) the a fetish aspect of their relationship to find additional partners implies sport fucking, but the girlfriend seems to have broken the "rules" by finding someone she really really, really, really likes. If this were me, I would not get hung up on the scheduling aspect, but on looking into whether she is truly into poly with the OP or mono with the new guy. And if the OP really wants poly (and not just sport fucking) with other people, then learning how to navigate NRE is a huge part of the deal. Personally, I don't see how indulging a fetish for newcomers fits with polyamory. "Fetish" means that the novelty is what turns you on, not the person. The girlfriend here has gone beyond playing the fetish game and has enetered the world of love (or super duper like a lot.)
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Yeah you are on to something. The fetish is what came first in this scenario. We have mutual fetishes, a switch dom sub thing, mostly I am her dom. She and I have been doing the cuck thing for a while. The cuck thing came first with this guy. This is how she asked me if she can have sex with him because she liked him, I agreed. But I am not a dummy, I know things happen. Our communication kinda broke down a bit during her falling for this guy, yes rules were broken, and I wasn't perfect either. I just figure this happened for a reason, and we both made mistakes. And who am I to demand that she curb her feelings if she gets them. If this is what she wants and it is what makes her happy then thats the most important thing. After all I have another girlfriend and fair is fair. Now that she is in to him, the cuck thing is up in the air. At first he was into it, now he got her, and he is having second thoughts about the cuck thing -not really a surprise really given how vanilla he is. Me trying to come to terms with that also is tricky, but I am not going to demand anything anymore at this point. Its up to her and him to decide what to do about that. So yeah, I am happy for her to find a sex partner she likes whether I am partially involved or not at all. Either way I cant help but be aroused by it. Bummer for me, yeah maybe. Just have to suck this one up.
 
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