FormerUnicorn,
Not judging, I am really curious. Don't you find that it ends up being based on a platform of falseness? While dressed up and playing you can act that way giving you the confidence to do it, and the rule endorse it. But it is play. When things go back to normal, the fantasy of how or who that person is changes?
Falseness? Absolutely not.
Let me say that for most people, their personas are simply a historical template applied over their own personality. It gives you a temporal context, usually based on the periods that you are interested in. For example, my persona was Italian and fairly late period, 1400s to 1500s. What this meant for me is that my name was Italian sounding, and my costuming focus was largely Venetian because I am interested in the garment construction methods of the day. Beyond this I was always myself.
Some others restrict themselves to a very narrow time period and place, and some take care to cultivate a personality that is different than their own, but those people are rarer, mostly because being active in the organization can involve a large part of your real life as you are crafting, constructing armor, weapons, and gear, and gathering and practicing with others. Every group is a little different, but they are mostly forums for learning rather than a series of games played for escapist reasons.
Generally when you see the same people outside of the context of an event, you're still polite and friendly and you interact with them in ways that are more befitting the real world, but your boundaries are probably less rigid than with your non SCA friends. You may give more hugs, you may smile more, give more eye contact, and project more traditional flirting body language as a way to express that unique relationship you've built in a more subtle way. These people are usually your friends, mentors, and colleagues. Sure you might be being polite in some cases, but most of the time you're expressing real feelings towards these people, and there's no reason to change that if all parties are willing participants.
BTW I do understand roleplaying, I did it for most of my young life. But taking the roleplaying, and applying it and the rules of that to a relationship in real life would seem very strange to me.
Like a good novel, good roleplaying reflects on real emotions and experiences, and your real life should be enhanced from these explorations. Roleplaying at its best can be powerful and moving in ways that are not false, and should not be cheapened by the fact that the experiences take place in the context of a game.
The point is the connection with other people, the feelings of success and loss that a group that works together experiences over time. We learn things about ourselves and those we play with, even though we may not be playing ourselves. We are still playing aspects of ourselves, and if you are observant you can pick up on things that are more clear when distilled down through the lens of a created character.
Taking that mindset away from the table or the computer and applying it to people who are walking around, and the effects are amplified and much more personal.
As an example, in the online world most people create a persona. I purposely avoid this and check and double check my posts to ensure it is me coming across. I would hate to meet people and then be told I am not who they thought I was. The falseness of being online takes away from the reality.
I see your point. It seems very important to you to be heard, and to not be misunderstood or misrepresented.
Let me see if I can paint the ideas of personas in a different light for you, one that does not involve falseness.
It can be argued that in most situations people create personas. Are you the same person at home alone with your SO that you are at breakfast with your mother? My guess is that you would argue that you ARE the same, and you strive to always be yourself.
Let me put it another way. Do you eat the same when you're scarfing McDonald's in your car as when you're sitting down to dinner in a fancy restaurant? I use eating as a metaphor here because it is not only a base need, but it is also a social skill that we learn, and can apply differently based on our situations. Deciding exactly how polite you should be eating is the persona of your need to eat, which is a reflection of your true self.
In that light, I think you might agree that you would act differently with your SO and with your mother, but you would still be the same person. It's not so much that there is a falseness in the way you are acting to either person, it is simply that certain aspects of your personality are called forth as the situation is appropriate.
Maybe I am just looking at it from the glass is half empty in this case. But I am curious how this environment induced confidence translates into real world relationships
I'm not entirely clear on what you're asking here. By environment induced confidence, do you mean the expectation to flirt? And by real world relationships you mean a transition to poly from a mono relationship?
The game of courtly love is simply a vehicle for acclimating people to flirting again. Being in an atmosphere that encourages people to share their appreciation for other people rather than having to hide it as something inappropriate because the target is married is the key here. That's a huge wedge in the door of monogamy, I think. Not many marriages have an open license to flirt, because flirting can go so many other places.
The real danger of courtly love is when A and B are married, B and C have been flirting, and suddenly B and C realize that they've become emotionally entangled. At this point it can go a couple of ways, depending on the maturity and intent of the participants, just like any real world relationship. Because, you know, these are real people, not fake people. The big difference here is that A usually is very aware that B and C have been flirting and has been okay with it, and has already talked with B and possibly even C about what the boundaries and expectations are. It's the additional communication and the little bit of "public poly practice" that courtly love brings to the table that really changes things.
Don't get me wrong... things can and do crash and burn in the SCA too. Plus, homebrewed beer and homemade weapons make for some really interesting altercations.
How does this "play" translate into real life? Well, it's like booing a villain in a play where audience participation is encouraged... you wouldn't boo your boss when he entered the boardroom, even though you may feel he's a much more real villain than the costumed one. But after seeing the play and venting your feelings about the pretend villain, you think or talk about it and you might decide that you can no longer live with the villainy of your boss, and so you find a new job. You wouldn't have thought to question your existence if you did not see the play and get the release of booing, but because you did it allowed you to think of your life in a different light and you are much happier.