Poly led to some really sexist shit

T

TekChik

New member
My partner and I have been open in the lifestyle for about two years now. Before, we were still active with other people, we just didn’t understand that you could actually communicate about it. I think that’s what really started wonderful relationships with some other couples.

However, some shit went down that completely changed how I see the scene, and I’m having a hard time facing the people that saw me go through that. I keep feeling like it’s a constant power struggle, with me having to recover how I am seen in other's eyes. The kind of sexism that women are forced to play the part of makes me sick and it makes me want to not be beautiful, or appealing to the male gaze. It ends up becoming a toxic play between wanting and not wanting men’s approval. But these things are within the balance of the polarities of life.

Anywho, what actually happened, that I guess I’ve been traumatized by, was with another couple that we are really good friends with, whom we met through another lifestyle couple. We were doing a little bit of G, so her boyfriend fell asleep pretty early on in the night. We were all staying up watching movies and having fun, but at some point I dozed off, as well.

I woke up to my boyfriend having sex with her. I crawled over, trying to look in his eyes and get involved, but he wasn’t looking at me, so I spoke up and asked if I could have some, as well. He seemed surprised by what I was asking, but came over and gave me a little bit. I told him he could switch off, but when he went back to her again, he was about to come. She freaked out and said, "I don’t like come on me." So he pulled out, stood up, put his dick into my face and my mouth, and came all over my face.

I felt like I have never before played the part in such a sexist act. I felt like I was only there to play my duty as girlfriend. I didn’t get to come. Women almost never are taken care of in these situations first, before the guy comes. It’s all so selfish, like women are still just the object of a man's greatness. And now, I roll over so that he can have other women too.

Now believe me, I am fully bisexual, so I get as much out of these things as I can, but how do I pick my head up again after this and continue to play a part that I know will someday take advantage of me again?! I’ve tried to discuss it, but it seems to me that he just wants me to get over it.
 
I'm sorry this happened. :(

Is this poly quad thing? It kinda sounds like a group sex scene/swinging, or something. Maybe skip the G?

Before, we were still active with other people, we just didn’t understand that you could actually communicate about it. I think that’s what really started wonderful relationships with some other couples.
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I think you hit the nail on the head. More communication is needed about what "consent" and "continuing consent" mean in this group.

I woke up to my boyfriend having sex with her...
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Did the people involved consent to that? Or was it a pisser to wake up to seeing that, if you each hadn't consented that this was okay?

I told him he could switch off, but when he went back to her again, he was about to come. She freaked out and said "I don’t like come on me."
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Another area where consent was not clear. Why didn't he and she talk about what was okay and not okay ahead of time, so there didn't have to be a freak-out?

So he pulled out, stood up, put his dick into my face and my mouth, and came all over my face.
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It sounds like YOU did not consent to this activity ahead of time. He did not obtain consent from you to cum all over your face.

I didn’t get to come. Women almost never are taken care of in these situations first, before the guy comes. It’s all so selfish, like women are still just the object of a man's greatness. And now, I roll over so that he can have other women too.
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Do you even want to be participating in group sex/these activities? If you no longer want to, you can stop. You do not have to "roll over."


Now believe me, I am fully bisexual, so I get as much out of these things as I can. But how do I pick my head up again after this and continue to play a part that I know will someday take advantage of me again?!
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You could have a frank talk about consent, if you plan to keep participating, so the quality of these encounters improves. If you don't know what consent looks like, here are some cartoons to start the conversation with.

https://www.boredpanda.com/consent-...oogle&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic


You could use these worksheets in your talks also. With markers -- what is "green, good to go", "yellow -- proceed with caution", "red - stop and ask before continuing or stopping" and "black -- hell, no, never!"

https://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

You all may have some things/activities in common with some of the partners and not other things. But it's best if everyone know each other's boundaries, so future encounters can be more respectful.

If you do not agree and do not feel safe participating with these people, you could choose NOT to participate any more. Keep it way simpler on yourself.

I’ve tried to discuss it, but it seems to me that he just wants me to get over it.
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Well, if he's plain just not going listen to you saying that you feel traumatized, and is not willing to change any of his behaviors during sex, so it is more respectful and a better quality experience, then you can either live with that and expect more of same, or end it with him (group sex or the entire relationship), to prevent any more new ugh from that direction.

You might also consider language. This is why I prefer "sharing sex" over "getting laid." "Sharing sex" implies sharing, and whether the person is a good sharer or not toward me and if I'm a good sharer or not toward them. "Getting laid" implies a sex machine, like the other people just are machines that dispense the goodies I want. So long as I show up with a quarter at the vending machine, it doesn't matter if I'm a good sharer or not. Gimme the cookies!

And that attitude may not not feel so good if you are partnered with someone who doesn't think about a "shared sex experience," and instead thinks more like, "Gimme the cookies, you sex-machine non-person. I'm entitled to sex from you."

I hope you are able to have a productive conversation so things get better for you.

Galagirl
 
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Was this a one-time thing? Just tell him you didn't like it. It sounds like you jumped in at the end, so you weren't completely included. Did it end there? Just because the guy comes it doesn't mean everything has to come to a screeching halt.

What "lifestyle"? It does sound more like swinging. What sort of rules do you guys have in place? Maybe you need to have a more in-depth conversation about boundaries. Also keep in mind that mixing sex and drugs can sometimes lead to bad decisions. That's why I asked if this was a one-time thing. If it's a constant thing, then it's time to reassess.
 
I see how this conversation can get very tangled. Get a consultation with a couple's counsellor if needed.
 
TekChik said:
My partner and I have been open in the lifestyle for about 2 years now. Before, we were still active with other people, we just didn’t understand that you could actually communicate about it. I think that’s what really started wonderful relationships with some other couples.

However, some shit went down that completely changes how I see the scene,
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Poly? I am afraid I can't see any poly at fault, nor how this reflects on the poly scene. It sounds much more like the swing scene than poly. The term 'others in the lifestyle' is a classic swinger talk.

I think what led to some sexist shit was more likely using G, which is known for its effects, including the following: GHB is known to lower inhibitions, make a person more passive and open to suggestion, and potentially heighten libido. GHB is also a depressant drug. It can lower anxiety and may lead to drowsiness and mental confusion.

It's no wonder you woke up to what you did and no wonder the people involved were acting weird and maybe out of character.

Best advice is: ditch the G and do some serious talking about how to not repeat this situation that has left you shellshocked.

All the best working through it.
 
This is swinging, not polyamory. They are 2 different things. Please see the recent thread on that, which I started, called "I'm a 'swinger' but I love my partners." I started it because we get so many confused and upset swingers coming here asking questions because swinging has hurt them.

Polyamory emphasizes love, not sex. And group sex is not a requirement. While it can happen, it often doesn't. Also, "playing as a couple" is unusual, since polyamorist people usually act independently, even when coupled or married.

I didn't know what G was, so thanks, Al.

Swingers seem to be into heavier drug and alcohol usage than is perhaps wise.

If you feel used and abused, then get out of the scene, or create boundaries to keep you physically and emotionally safe. Speak up! You know you're not a sex toy, but you have to make that clear to others in the swinger's lifestyle. It's an objectifying scene in general, so you need to take responsibility for your own boundaries.
 
What the heck does this "lifestyle" mean? I have never been a part of a "scene." Yet here I am, with 9 years of practicing polyandry. I have never participated in group sex nor drug use. I have never been involved with other couples.

Your situation sounds like swinging to me.
 
The first thing I would do is ask myself why what a man does with his dick has such a profound effect on your self-esteem, and why you feel like others' opinion of you is a "constant power struggle".

There is a lot of stuff in the original post that is taking place on the inside, and has nothing actually to do with the way other people "are".

I suggest discussing this with a sex-positive therapist.
 
Hello TekChik,

It sounds like your boyfriend was really insensitive to your feelings; you should have a say in what he does or doesn't do to you. Also it was wrong of him to not take care of you in that situation so you could come. It shouldn't be all about the man, and what the man gets out of it. That is some sexist shit. As is the fact that he just wants you to get over it when you try to discuss it with him. Polyamory is supposed to be built on healthy communication. Although as the others have said, this lifestyle might be better termed open or swing.

I think I agree with Amygdala that you should probably not do G in the future. :( It is like a tool for sexism.

With sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.
 
There were a lot of factors at play that led to this situation. Instead of chalking this all up to poly (I'm mono by the way, but I have been involved in this community for several years and find a lot of the relationship advice to pertain to poly AND mono individuals), take a closer look at exactly what was going on (you fell asleep, and everyone was under the influence) and assess what YOU could have done differently as well. It sounds more like a miscommunication than anything. Like Vinsanity said, was this a one-off case?
 
I'm sorry to hear your struggling. Things I've learned.

1. What other people think of me is none of my business
2. I'm not here to change other people's opinions of me or the situation
3. People who need ongoing validation are needy and will suck the life out of you
4. Don't make it about YOU
 
TekChik said:
My partner and I have been open in the lifestyle for about 2 years now. Before, we were still active with other people, we just didn’t understand that you could actually communicate about it. I think that’s what really started wonderful relationships with some other couples.

However, some shit went down that completely changes how I see the scene, and I’m having a hard time facing the people that saw me go through that. I keep feeling like it’s a constant power struggle, with me having to recover how I am seen in others eyes. The kind of sexism that women are forced to play the part of makes me sick and it makes me want to not be beautiful, or appalling to the mans gaze. It ends up becoming a toxic play between wanting and not wanting men’s approval. But these things are within the balance of the polarities of life.

Anywho, what actually happened that I guess I’ve been traumatized by was with another couple that we are really good friends with and whom we met through another lifestyle couple. We were doing a little bit of G, so her boyfriend fell asleep pretty early on in the night. We were all staying up watching movies and having fun, but at some point I dozed off as well. I woke up to my boyfriend having sex with her, I crawled over trying to look in his eyes and get involved, but he wasn’t looking at me, so I spoke up and asked if I could have some as well. He seemed surprised by what I was asking, but came over and gave me a little bit. I told he could switch off, but when he went back to her again, he was about to come. She freaked out and said I don’t like come on me. So he pulled out and stood up and put his dick into my face and my mouth and came all over my face.

I felt like I have never before played the part in such a sexist act. I felt like I was only there to play my duty as girlfriend. I didn’t get to come, women almost never are taken care of in these situations first before the guy comes. It’s all so selfish, like women are still just the object of a mans greatness. And now, I roll over so that he can have other women too.

Now believe me, I am fully bisexual so I get as much out of these things as I can, but how do I pick me head up again after this and continue to play a part that I know will someday take advantage of me again.?! I’ve tried to discuss, but it seems to me that he just wants me to get over it.
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Like I mentioned on another thread, not long ago I stopped self-identifying as poly, in no small part, because of the way the word has been used to justify all sorts of attitudes and behaviors that I hadn't considered poly, based on my personal research into its history and concepts. Like you say at the start, it can lead to some really, "You fill in the blanks -- shit". But nobody is allowed to be critical of it, because of the pervasive attitude that poly is whatever you want it to be, so long as it suits your own personal agenda. So sorry to hear you've run into it yourself.
 
As has already been stated here, poly is not what caused this problem.
 
kdt26417 said:
As has already been stated here, poly is not what caused this problem.
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If the person who made the post says that poly led to the problem, then apparently, according to the rules, that view is just as valid as anyone else's. So who am I to argue? Do some people get special privilege to judge what is and isn't poly here? How do I join that club?
 
hedgehog said:
If the person who made the post says that poly led to the problem, then apparently, according to the rules, that view is just as valid as anyone else's. So who am I to argue? Do some people get special privilege to judge what is and isn't poly here? How do I join that club?
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I think that's a little harsh.

Most human relationships fail because of the people in them, not the structure. I think we all know that emotional health is a key component in making relationships work.
 
@ hedgehog ... sarcastic much?

You "join the club" by making peace with the fact that the vast majority has already settled on a definition for poly. It may not be to your liking, but it is here to stay and your corrections are not needed. At the most, you can suggest different ways of wording the definition, but you cannot change (nor add to) the basic substance and elements of it. You can of course choose the (substantially different) definition that you want to use personally, but telling others that they, too, must adhere to that definition, will have all the effect of banging your head on a wall.

It is doubtful that the now-widely-accepted definition of poly is going to undergo any further change. If it does change, we probably won't see any substantial difference in this lifetime. And it may move in the opposite direction from what you had in mind. Such is the reality when you pit yourself against 99% of the poly community. You can have input in the public dialog about things, but you cannot be the decider of the outcome. The community as a whole has a mind of its own. You and I are just passing through.

TekChik (the person who started this thread) obviously believed that poly is what caused the problem, but she can always change her mind about that, and it's to that end that many of the responders here have posted. Is she likely to have better results from relying on monogamy, or from advocating for herself and quitting the use of GHB? The answer will vary depending on who you ask, but that is the question we are trying to plumb in this thread. Let's not hijack that topic; you can always post in a more appropriate thread, or start a new thread.
 
kdt26417 said:
Is she likely to have better results from relying on monogamy, or from advocating for herself and quitting the use of GHB?
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Great point, Kevin.

The problems of the OP clearly stem from the people involved, not from any structure ethos. Poly, swinging, threesomes do not cause any of the issues she illustrates. The people involved obviously have grave communication shortcomings and are into whatever drugs they are into. Let's not fob off personal responsibility onto relationship styles. If we start doing that, then monogamy would be to blame for most of the evils in the world.

NaturalHedgehog, it doesn't really matter how the OP defines poly, the bottom line is that she is blaming some phantom relationship structure on her and her BF's unhealthy and hurtful choices.
 
hedgehog said:
If the person who made the post says that poly led to the problem, then apparently, according to the rules, that view is just as valid as anyone else's. So who am I to argue? Do some people get special privilege to judge what is and isn't poly here? How do I join that club?
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I am only going to add this here since the OP seems to have left.

From the Guidelines:

There will be minimal tolerance for sarcasm, passive aggressive communication, unwanted attention seeking and skirting on the edge any of these, including flaming or trolling. Bullying; which is intending to do harm, creating a power imbalance, repeating negative insults, name calling, subjecting members to ridicule or negative gossip, and attempting to exclude members, will not be tolerated.

Please note that if you get an infraction for any of the above offenses you are the one that needs to re-think how you write. It isn't up to us as the mods or the members reading your posts to try and guess about the tone in which you are speaking. Infractions will be given out for perceived tone unless the writer explains themselves publicly and corrects that tone immediately.
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hedgehog, if you need further clarification as to why you received infractions, I suggest you PM a mod, instead of complaining on threads.
 
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