Thank you for the link to the explainer. It helped in some ways, namely that I have the freedom to call it as I see it.
Glad it helped you some.
As I see it, I gave DAG consent to pursue a poly relationship, even if I did not approve of the one he was dating. So to me, I was still in a poly, because I consented throughout this situation.
That's how I would see it. You have agreed to participate in a poly network of some kind and DAG is poly dating people.
(While you are taking your time to educate yourself before you start poly dating on your end from the sound of things. )
DAG is saying, since I bowed out of pursuing relationships with Bruiser and Fisticuffs and did not want to know particulars about his relationship with them, my stance on that made me mono, not poly.
TBH? That's DAG's opinion on what he thinks "counts." So? How does that affect you
really? You could just let him have his thought for now:
"I think Ostrich is really mono because he won't pursue the same people I date and Ostrich doesn't want to hear about my poly relationshp with Bruiser and Fisticuff. He won't do poly like I want him to so do it I'm not gonna count Ostrich as true poly."
Then when you start poly dating? He's going to have to update his thoughts then at THAT point in time.
Because RIGHT NOW? How is going down rabbit hole conversations with DAG actually useful? What are you trying to achieve?
FWIW?
I think you actually do NOT have to pursue the same people he does to "count" as poly.
I think you do NOT have listen to the particulars of his relationships with them like a "free therapist" or "life coach" person to "count" as poly.
I think your stance on not wanting to hear deep details about Bruiser and Fisticuffs has nothing to do with poly and more to do with not wanting to be around certain people.
Couldn't DAG just put it on the calendar that he's having dinner with them and when the day arrives and couldn't you just be "Ok, have a nice time" and call it good enough? Why do you have to be like some kind of poly security blanket to DAG with these people? He can't just go poly date on his own without a woobie person?
I could be wrong in my impression. But I think DAG might consider doing some detangling work. Because it is ok for you to give consent to be in a poly network WHILE AT THE SAME TIME setting a personal boundary of "You date who you want to date. I don't want to be hearing deep details about ____ person. I just want health and calendar."
Because isn't that the bottom line? All you really need info about is is basic sex practices/hygiene/labs info that is relevant so you can look out for your own health well, and then calendar because of time management.
Anything past that is
optional and only if the people involved want to be doing it / sharing that info. Talking about their other relationships, hanging out with the other people all in a group, etc.
There is no poly law that says metas HAVE to hang out together. *shrug*
Just like one cannot force a triad, once cannot force a kitchen table poly situation if the people don't want to be doing that.
I still consent to him being poly, no matter who he sees or dates. How I relate to those metas is up to me.
I think you mean "I consent to practice a poly model" with DAG.
You do not consent to him "being poly" -- he is who he is. With or without your permission or consent. You don't consent to someone being hispanic or gay or a blonde from Norway or whatever it is they are.
How you relate to your metas IS up to you. Basic polite is good enough.
Just like friends and family. I like some of my spouse's friends. I don't like others. I like some of his relatives and I don't like other relatives. Shoot, I like some of my own relatives and dislike others! I am basic polite to these people, but I don't have to be super tight or best friends with them.
My spouse is free to hang out with any of his people, but don't assume *I* want to go along to everything that his friends and family do. We are not joined at the hip. And it goes the other way too. I don't expect him to come to my family and friend things just because we're married. He only goes to the ones he wants to participate in.
Same goes for metas. Just because your partner dates them, doesn't mean you HAVE to hang around with them.
As you are doing all this work to improve yourself and figure out YOUR kind of poly and how YOU want to poly date on your end of things...
I wonder if DAG (who likes you being around as "his rock no matter what") is feeling something amiss because you are saying "no" more and asserting yourself more. Because now it might be more like "I love you, but no. Not even for you am I gonna do stuff that hurts me or stuff I don't like." While healthier for you, it might feel like "abandonment" or "loss" to him.
And maybe DAG is discovering that some of his assumptions and expectations of you? Should actually be talked out.
If DAG assumes or expects that you will go along with whatever just cuz you are married? And you say "No, thanks. Not my cup of tea?" It is not you being mean or unreasonable. It does mean his assumptions and expectations were wrong and need updating though. I might mean DAg learns not take you / your answer / things for granted so much.
Sometimes long term couples slide into doing that to each other -- assuming, taking for granted, etc.
FWIW, I think you could carry on as you are doing in your poly education and only get around to poly dating when YOU decide you are ready.
Hopefully eventually you and DAG finish the "poly storming" and get to the "poly norming" so both can pursue poly dating and participate in your shared poly network with less upheaval.
So it appears I need to do some work on my own definitions of what poly means to me, and how I can move forward with DAG based on some common definitions.
Maybe the Opening Up worksheets help you?
Galagirl