Poly versus Sluttiness

G

glowinthedarkstars

New member
For the first time, I had sex with someone I am not dating. I told him before we did anything that I would have to tell P about this, and he said okay. I told P, and while I was a little nervous, P said, "Congrats, hunny! Isn't it nice being poly?" and the whole time I'm thinking what I just did wasn't poly, it was just me being drunk, horny and a little slutty. Yes, I told P about it, but still.

P's poly, but flirts and makes out (or hooks up sometimes) with loads of girls, something I never have done until this past night. When I did, I felt no attachment with the guy I hooked up with, and he didn't either. We both talked about it and were on the exact same page.

Now P keeps saying things like, "y=You say that now..." as if I really have something between this guy and me... but I don't think there is anything there. He has been my friend for a while, but I'm not interested in a relationship with him (plus the sex was less than spectacular... way less).

I think there is a difference between poly and slut, and P seems to confuse the two. But maybe I'm wrong. What's your take?
 
Sounds like you had yourself some "casual" sex, nothing wrong with that! As long as you used protection and everyone was respectful of everyone else, you shouldn't worry that it "wasn't poly" just because you weren't in love with the guy. It's only "slutty" if you run around spreading your legs at the drop of a hat for whoever offers to buy you a drink or give you a ride home.
 
I think you are right. I am not worried that it's not poly. I don't think there is anything wrong with what I did, being that I was safe and communicative, and my bf was okay with it. I still don't think casual sex is the same as being poly.

it makes me wonder if my bf thinks of causal sex as a perk of being poly. I see those two things as separate. One can be poly and not engage in causal sex (I think) just like many mono-minded people engage in casual sex. I kinda thought for it to be considered poly one would have to have a deeper connection, at least. Maybe I am just jumping to silly conclusions, though. I'm still figuring all of this out!
 
You can let it become a "deeper connection" but there is no harm in enjoying something for what it is now. I would say that your situation would "be poly" if you were regularly seeing both of these guys in a "more than just friends" capacity. You can label it however you want, it is what it is, but I wouldn't yield to the negative connotations of the word "slut".

I just hope your boyfriend(s) treat you right.
 
Terminology

I think you're tangled up a bit in terminology and have confused yourself. Your bf might be as confused as you, or more confused.

Unfortunately, the root term "poly" has been grabbed as a shortcut by all sorts of people. And in some cases, it's been adopted for convenience sake/justification. "Poly" meaning basically "multiple," that's an easy grab.

The "amour" got left off. The loving part. That's not as easy and convenient. That means commitment, and lots more.

Let's face it. In the early days, when you are just starting to date, and experimenting with your sexuality, there's lots of "poly" happening, and not a lot of "amour." That's perfectly fine. Just don't confuse the reality. At some point, some people come face-to-face with a situation where the "poly-amour" jumps up and confronts you. Sex may or may not even be part of it! But regardless, because of this culture, it's often viewed as a threat. Something hard and difficult. Something to be avoided.

Some of us view it differently. Some chose to embrace and celebrate it. You'll know in your heart what feels "right" when the time comes. But at least you have the advantage of a head start, because you've discovered it prior to it happening and slapping you in the head unexpectedly. If you keep asking and learning you'll be better prepared when the time comes.
 
I am a bit bewildered by this post. I use the word slut as a positive thing, so can't really connect with the fear of being one. I am a slut, and proud to be one, because I am proud of who I am as a whole, of which that is part.

Have you heard of the book "The Ethical Slut"? I have identified as a slut since I was fifteen, but finding that book when I was 30 felt like coming home. One can certainly be a poly slut. And I suppose you can also be poly without being a slut, if you want.

It seems like the problem is that you define casual sex/one-night stands as markedly different to other contexts in which you do or might have sex/connect intimately with someone, and your partner doesn't.

Maybe you need to explain and clarify to P that this was just casual sex and what that means for you, so that he stops saying the things/making the assumptions you describe in your post?
 
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It also sounds to me like confusion over terminology and definitions. In the end, a term is only a tool to describe something, NOT a box to fit into. There are so many different variables and situations in relationships, it always seemed silly to me that people would try to fit into one of only a few categories. and depend on those terms to tell them what the relationship should be, and what the boundaries should be.

Much better to define for yourselves what works, what is happening, and what you are comfortable with. Don't let assumptions about what a term means lead to misunderstanding or allow agreements you are unaware of. Let's face it, not everyone has the same definitions for things. f you don't think what you did was poly, and he does, then it sounds like you are due for a conversation about what you consider poly.

From an outside view (just my own) what you are doing right now sounds to me like "swinging" with a poly option. I'm not entirely clear how people in the poly community categorize swinging, but the swinger lifestyle participants only rarely consider their activities polyamorous. Again, a lot of it is just what you choose to call it. Two couples with the exact same behaviors may choose to call it different things. I think there is a difference between poly and swinging. At least, to me there is.

I'm concerned about your use of the word slutty. It usually has negative connotations. Maybe it doesn't for you, I don't know. Whether or not you and your partner agree about what you choose to call your activities, you should NOT be doing things that make you feel bad about yourself. If you feel like it's wrong, or it makes you uncomfortable, it doesn't matter if it's poly or not! There is always more than one way to do something, and if this particular aspect doesn't work for you, you can cut it out! You don't have to accept it as a necessary evil or just the way it works.

It's up to you to define what poly is for you, and not to let the term poly define what your relationship should be.
 
dakid said:
I am a bit bewildered by this post, i use the word slut as a positive thing so can't really connect with the fear of being one. i am one and am proud to be.

have you heard of the book "the ethical slut"? i have identified as a slut since i was fifteen but finding that book when i was 30 felt like coming home. one can certainly be a poly slut, i suppose one can also be a poly without being a slut if you want.

seems like the problem is that you define casual sex/one night stands as markedly different to other contexts in which you do or might have sex/connect intimately with someone - and your partner doesn't.

maybe you need to explain and clarify to P that this was just casual sex and what that means for you so that he stops saying the things/making the assumtions you describe in your post?
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Sorry to bewilder you, I didn't mean to attack or hurt anyone.

My boyfriend told me to buy The Ethical Slut, and I did, and found it to be a good read. I would love to read it again, but I let someone borrow it and they never returned it. That said, while it gave me a lot of insight at the time I read it, polyamory was so complex and confusing to me. I understand how being an ethical slut is something to be proud about, and that the term slut isn't used derogatorily among the polyamorous community. I don't mean to offend anyone. While reading this book I felt like it really wasn't talking to me. Until this night, I'd never even kissed anyone on the random!

Anyhow, thanks for all the feedback, guys. I'll be reading through and responding as soon as I get some of my studies done. Hope I didn't offend anyone. I'm really a novice at this stuff and just trying to understand!
 
GroundedSpirit said:
Hi Glow,

I think you're tangled up a bit in terminology.
Unfortunately the root term "poly" has been grabbed as a shortcut by all sorts of people and it's been adopted for convenience sake/justification. "Poly" meaning basically "multiple," that's an easy grab.
The "amour" got left off. The loving part. That means commitment.
In the early days, when you are just starting dating etc., experimenting with your sexuality, there's lots of "poly" happening and not a lot of "amour." That's perfectly fine. Just don't confuse the reality. At some point some people come face-to-face with a situation where the "poly-amour" jumps up and confronts you. Sex may or may not even be part of it ! But it's often viewed as a threat. Something hard & difficult. Something to be avoided.
Some of us view it differently. Some chose to embrace & celebrate it. You'll know in your heart what feels "right" when the time comes. But at least you have the advantage of a head start, because you've discovered it prior to it happening and slapping you in the head unexpectedly.
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So so so true. Thanks for the insight.

I don't view slut as negative, by any means. It is just something that I have never experienced myself. I don't think it's to be avoided, exactly, but from a personal standpoint, for example, going out to meet with a group of people I don't know is kind of scary to me, and mildly threatening even, because of my anxiety. I know there is nothing wrong with it, and people do it every day. Most people are proud of their social skills. Others might consider someone who is super confident and sociable to be "cocky". Same thing, I think... maybe?
I'm really not all too sure.
 
I guess I'm one of the few who views "slut" to be negative. And mind you, I do get the concept of reclaiming the word as a positive one in the context of poly, but for me it's a word that still has negative overtones. When someone calls me a slut, they're not doing so as a compliment. :)

So I guess I have to say that's my take on the question of what is the difference between poly and slutdom, in that sense, just so you know my context.

Now, for further clarification, I don't think sleeping with many people makes anyone a slut. Nor do I think that having sex with someone you don't love makes you a slut. I think that "slutdom" (in the negative sense of the word) comes from having sex in a random, inconsiderate, unethical, manner. It's more about the attitude of the person having sex than the sex itself, if that makes sense.

And in that context, I don't think having (passable but not great) friends-with-benefits-sex with a close friend makes you a slut. But I don't think it makes you poly either.

Poly is about building relationships - not just friendships with side benefits, IMO, anyway.

I think P is probably confused about what poly is, and I agree with someone else who said that from the outside (my) perspective, what you're doing is maybe swinging, or beginning to swing. But again. I wouldn't say it was poly at all.
 
Maybe slut isn't good word choice for this whole topic...

I think P is probably confused about what poly is, and I agree with someone else who said that from the outside (my) perspective, what you're doing is maybe swinging, or beginning to swing. But again, I wouldn't say it was poly at all.
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I hardly think what I was doing was poly! In fact, I figured it had nothing to do with being poly at all. It was me being a 20-year old drunk college girl, trying something new for fun, something that I knew my boyfriend wouldn't have a problem with.

I don't know much about swinging. I'll have to read up on it.

I knew P wouldn't mind about what happened, as he does the same,. But I wasn't expecting him to reply to me by saying, "See how awesome being poly is? I told ya so." (That isn't exactly what he said... but basically.) Poly is about connections, about love, not random drunk sex, or that is what I thought.

I think I am going to talk about this with P. It isn't an issue, but it's something I wonder about. I just want to be on the same page as him, y'know?
 
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I am very very very new to poly. But are causal drunk hookups all the time really how it works? I am not saying you do it all the time. But I think that random sex just for fun doesn't really make you poly. If I had a bf and we were poly, I wouldn't want him to just screw anyone, because what's the difference between that and an open relationship? I thought it was about building relationships with multiple people, not having a free range for casual hook ups.
 
I hate the term slut, generally, for so many reasons. First, there's the implications that someone having a lot of sex is bad. The second is that it's a gender-loaded term.

I'm a bit... out of the loop. To me, sex is, by its nature, intimate. My wife can and does have casual sex, and I'm fine with that, both as it pertains to our relationship, and as I see casual sex as a "just dandy" thing.

But I can't do it. So for me, having lots of sex would IMPLY intimacy. I know this isn't the case for everyone, and I see no reason it should be, but it's not something I relate to all that much.
 
Apart from potential debates about the use of the word slut, the interesting thing for me here is the idea that poly specifically and only refers to multiple loving relationships, that if you are "just fucking around" it isn't poly.

I guess I had assumed up until now that poly was more of a mindset, and perhaps a set of agreements between lovers, than anything else, for example, seeing oneself as poly even when one is single and not having any sex or other intimacy with anyone except oneself, or seeing a relationship as poly even when your lover and you are not currently in other relationships.

Within that definition, being poly is about being free to explore all sorts of sexual and intimate interactions with other people, whether as a one-off, series of one-offs, within a fuck-buddy arrangement, within loving relationships, whatever. The freedom is the thing, being open to other relationships, and to some extent, framing our relationship around that openness to potential with others, not imposing limits or boundaries on each other's freedom to pursue other connections, wherever they may lead.

So, although my ideal fantasy situation may be that my current lover and I eventually build up a loving network of people we are involved with sexually and intimately, I still think of us as being poly right now, even though we haven't achieved that yet. And when one of us has a one-night stand, whether or not it leads on to an ongoing connection with that person, the one-night stand happens within a poly relationship, because it happens within our relationship, which is poly.

When we talk about the fact that, for example, he spent the night and had sex with a woman mid-week, and we process our emotions about that fact, we are practising polyamory. The love is between us. He's not in love with her, but he is not just fucking around. He was intimate with her for those 24 hours and is now having an intimate loving conversation with me about it.

In those moments, I can sometimes feel a real rush of pride and excitement at the fabulousness of our poly relationship, which has within it an inherent assumption that we are "being poly" as we talk, and which thrills me, in part because it's so different and much better than the way I used to try to relate to lovers through monogamy.

I can see there is a difference, however, between this and actually having more than one intimate ongoing relationship at the same time. I am feeling it pretty strongly at the moment, in fact, because we seem to embarking on exactly that as I speak. Each of us has hooked up with a new lover in the last couple of months, and right now, would pass the poly test, even if the definition is limited only to folks in multiple loving relationships. The difference is that it's no longer about the potential to fall in love with others, but the reality of one or both of us actually doing so.

I don't think our relationship has become more poly because of these other relationships, though. It's just in a different stage of poly-ness, I suppose. We didn't become poly overnight as our feelings reached a certain stage with our other lovers. We already were poly (even when we were only fucking around with intent).

I don't know if that makes sense. I hope so!
 
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Slut

The term "slut" is interesting. (Slut has become a term of endearment in our house.) I think it just shows how language evolves and takes on different connotations and meanings over time. Lots of words have undergone that evolution. Right now, it appears that the term slut is moving towards anyone who has chosen to embrace their full sexual nature and potential in a healthy way and will not be bound by culture or dogma. That doesn't mean it's irresponsible or dangerous, if you don't let it become that way. But it does speak plainly to the denial that monogamy (physical) is the only, or even preferable, way to look at our personal sexuality.

So if you are a slut, bless you! Be safe. And kind.
 
dakid said:
don't know if that makes sense, hope so!
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I feel pretty much the same way you do about this, dakid. Someone mentioned earlier:

Poly is about building relationships - not just friendships with side benefits.
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and I find this amusing because "friendships with side benefits" IS a type of relationship! So while it may not "be" polyamory, someone try to explain to me exactly what is so "anti-poly" about it.

EVERYTHING is a "relationship". I have a relationship(s) with my co-workers, my doctors, my friends, my relatives. I hate this "all or nothing" attitude that seems to prevail among "polyamorous" people that I've noticed on this forum: that if you're having sex with someone you're not head-over-heels in looooove with, that somehow it is "not a REAL poly relationship".

And regarding Seventh Crow's signature - yes, it may not "be" poly if you're "just" fucking around; there's a whole range of relationship styles that are sexual but not long-term "partnerships", that are not "just fucking around". To me, "just fucking around" sounds like the stereotypical gay anonymous sex encounters in motels that charge by the hour.
 
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I still think that anonymous sex with a stranger who you don't expect to see again can be a form of poly if done within a poly relationship. I could be wrong, but that's how I see it.

Amongst my best friends are a gay male couple who have been together for about twenty years, who identify as polyamorous. One has had two "outside" lovers for several years now, which I guess everyone here would accept as poly quite easily. The other partner, however, tends to prefer his sexual activities outside the primary relationship to be anonymous, in saunas and at sex parties.

There was a time though, a few years back, when he started a relationship with someone he had met at a sauna. There is always that possibility, and both men accept that about the other's activities. Either one could fall in love/get intimate with another, in theory, so whether or not that happens, they identify as polyamorous.

I wonder if some on here would see the first man as being polyamorous, since he has maintained ongoing intimate relationships with three men over the last decade or so, but not see his primary partner as being polyamorous because his connections are much more "casual." Is he simply a swinger or a slut, and not poly, even though his partner is, and he has the potential to be himself?

I hope I'm not belabouring my point too much, but to me, their relationship with each other is polyamorous because they love each other dearly and are committed to supporting each other's freedom to explore stuff with others, regardless of what form those explorations may take.

I am not looking to argue, but I am fascinated to discuss and to hear from others with different views. Stretch my brain!
 
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