When beginner texts discuss the downsides of poly, several topics come up - time management, societal pressures, poly hell/managing the new and shiny NRE relationship. Rarely, if ever, have I seen discussed what I view (in my current phase of life) as perhaps the biggest downside - the decreased flexibility to make lifestyle changes (such as moving, or any big change in dynamics, in fact).
Big changes are hard enough to decide and make inside a couple, but with three or more people, the needs of everyone have to be taken care of in the process of change. Change may more easily get blocked by two out of three not benefiting from it. The larger group invites a more robust homeostasis. There may be relationship anarchy or solo-poly inclined people who will put lifestyle ahead of relationship duration, but at the very least, there is a pull between change and commitment.
In the case of a V formed from a couple +1, IMHO, this may amount to a particularly insidious and durable form of couples' privilege.
As a personal example (my situation and what I observe in my my friends' group - same dynamics):
The couple lives somewhere (perhaps their property, or someplace they actively chose together) and has an established lifestyle. A new relationship comes to be, and grows equally important. In the process of increasing commitment, the new person rents a flat nearby (no easy task, but a logical and doable solution at that time). The shared partner will divide his time spent at each and contribute financially to rent to make things fair. The new living arrangement just works, and we're now many years into the relationship.
Except, now the new partner wants a change-- perhaps life circumstances call for it, perhaps their flat is close, but not exactly according to their needs, perhaps they'd prefer to pool finances for shared property, perhaps the living area is far from their family, or just not close to their heart. But the established couple doesn't want to move. It's their property, or they chose their living area actively to best suit their needs. Moving would require a personal sacrifice from both of them, they'd hardly find something more suitable than they already have. After all, this living arrangement works, doesn't it?
(I'm not asking for personal advice here, I'm just giving the situation for context.)
Of course, I can imagine other variations of "two vs. one" dynamics.
Did you encounter situations when big life changes were required? How did you work it out? Did you observe any specific poly dynamics at play which would make the situation different from a monogamous dynamic?
Big changes are hard enough to decide and make inside a couple, but with three or more people, the needs of everyone have to be taken care of in the process of change. Change may more easily get blocked by two out of three not benefiting from it. The larger group invites a more robust homeostasis. There may be relationship anarchy or solo-poly inclined people who will put lifestyle ahead of relationship duration, but at the very least, there is a pull between change and commitment.
In the case of a V formed from a couple +1, IMHO, this may amount to a particularly insidious and durable form of couples' privilege.
As a personal example (my situation and what I observe in my my friends' group - same dynamics):
The couple lives somewhere (perhaps their property, or someplace they actively chose together) and has an established lifestyle. A new relationship comes to be, and grows equally important. In the process of increasing commitment, the new person rents a flat nearby (no easy task, but a logical and doable solution at that time). The shared partner will divide his time spent at each and contribute financially to rent to make things fair. The new living arrangement just works, and we're now many years into the relationship.
Except, now the new partner wants a change-- perhaps life circumstances call for it, perhaps their flat is close, but not exactly according to their needs, perhaps they'd prefer to pool finances for shared property, perhaps the living area is far from their family, or just not close to their heart. But the established couple doesn't want to move. It's their property, or they chose their living area actively to best suit their needs. Moving would require a personal sacrifice from both of them, they'd hardly find something more suitable than they already have. After all, this living arrangement works, doesn't it?
(I'm not asking for personal advice here, I'm just giving the situation for context.)
Of course, I can imagine other variations of "two vs. one" dynamics.
Did you encounter situations when big life changes were required? How did you work it out? Did you observe any specific poly dynamics at play which would make the situation different from a monogamous dynamic?
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I thought meetings about major decisions in poly required the use of the Google Calendar.