Polyamorous divorce for another partner

[violetinthedark]

I got married at 18 to a man I didn't know very well to escape my religious, controlling mother. I've been... comfortably married for 6 years.

Our lives are pretty different. He's antisocial and is a big gamer. I enjoy having down time, but I need to leave the house or I go crazy.

We have always been open, but he has ED, so our sex life together was always lacking. I'm a very sexually-active person. As much as I hated that sex is so important to me, it still resulted in constant fights. I never really wanted partners outside of him until the last few years. I started exploring BDSM and building myself into the community. I found and started seeing a guy, and thus started my journey into polyamory. My husband had started dating a woman shortly before this. So we were both open to me furthering my relationship with this man.

After almost two years of being with my partner, he started to feel our relationship wasn't enough. He longs for a wife of his own... I've been struck with the pain of not wanting to lose him, because he has been with me on my sexual journey and I've learned so much about myself through him.

I started finding myself thinking about divorce from my husband. I feel so horrible, because I can't say I'm entirely unhappy in my marriage, but I'm constantly battling with feeling like my life was stale and never enough until I found BDSM and my boyfriend. I genuinely feel the only reason we were ever in an open relationship is because our relationship wouldn't work otherwise. I don't want to have to go to other people to feel fulfilled... Am I wrong to want to get a divorce to try to continue building with my boyfriend?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello violetinthedark,

I can definitely understand/appreciate why you want to divorce in order to continue your relationship with this other man. Your current marriage always had a weak foundation, and you were always unhappy with the absence of a healthy sex life, whereas the other man gives you all that, and BDSM, as well. And you are going to lose him unless you divorce your husband. So yes, that is very understandable. Methinks life is to short to not take a chance now and then. This is your chance, don't let it slip away.

Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

So you got married very young, 18, to escape your religious controlling mother. Now you're 24 and have found that you've grown apart from your husband. The main reason is that he is not satisfying sexually and kink-wise. Also, your bf of two years wants you to himself full time. So you have two reasons to split from the husband you married as a teenager. You've learned something about yourself since you first married, and want to be true to the new you. You're considering divorce. Sure, why not?

You may not be poly for real. Your husband may not be poly for real. You suspect you both seek other partners because the relationship you have with each other is boring and stale. You're considering divorce. Sure, why not?

 

[violetinthedark]

My boyfriend pushes me for a more active lifestyle, like I want. I know you shouldn't leave one relationship for another, but he's told me that if I choose him he will help me every step of the way. It really reassures me, because I never thought about divorce till I met him. He wasn't even the one to bring it up first, it was me and I can't stop thinking about it since. I never even humored the idea of kids with my husband, but find myself wanting that with my boyfriend.

 

[kdt26417]

Your boyfriend definitely sounds like a good match for you.

 

[Bobbi]

he's told me that if I choose him he will help me every step of the way.

Why do you need to choose him in order for him to help you? This sounds manipulative to me.

Thinking about your first post and where you are now-- many couples divorce to remove hierarchy. If you don't want to end your relationship with your husband, you could legally divorce him, but not leave him. Instead, de-escalate with him as your partner. You then could escalate with your boyfriend and maybe live with him part time. Maybe over time that escalates to full time, but doesn't include marriage.

Marriage in poly can be a problem hierarchically. You can have lifelong committed relationships without getting the government involved, which also allows you to have the relationships you want.

Given the circumstances of how you came to be married, it might be worthwhile to dig deep and see if you are more monogamous or poly. That may also be a deciding factor.

I just don't want you thinking you have to leave your husband to have the relationship you want with your boyfriend. There's almost always a way, we just haven't thought of it yet.

 

[violetinthedark]

Why do you need to choose him in order for him to help you? This sounds manipulative to me.

It wasn't an either-or situation. I guess I just worded it poorly. He asked me if I was serious about choosing him, and after reassuring my feelings, he offered to help me any way he can.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I don't know if this POV helps you any. At 24, you could be my kid. Some people your age haven't even gotten married the first time yet. If you got married at 18 mostly to get away from your mom, kind of "running away from home" that way, I get it. But if it turns out that you have outgrown your husband, you have very different lifestyles, he wants to be home gaming and you want to be more social, you aren't sexually compatible, it is what it is. You and he are not actually compatible long term. Why pussyfoot around that? You are both young and can start over relatively easily. It doesn't sound like there are a lot of entanglements. You don't have kids.

My boyfriend pushes me for a more active lifestyle, like I want. I know you shouldn't leave one relationship for another

It has NOTHING to do with the BF. You aren't leaving your husband for your BF. You are leaving your husband because he's not the right husband for you.

You can divorce your husband if you two never really had much in common, or have grown apart all on your own, even if your BF didn't exist.

I think you could divorce your husband and spend some time living on your own. You haven't had that as a young adult yet, from the sound of it. Maybe move in with a roomie and keep dating your BF, but don't jump into marrying him just because he's looking for a wife.

I'm sure he's great, but SOMEONE had to be your first poly BF after marriage. Don't put him on a pedestal just because he was an eye-opening experience. Have other experiences. Explore some while you are a young adult and can do that.

Just because he's ready to marry doesn't mean YOU have to be, not right now, and not right out of a divorce. If he marries someone else, why can't he still date you, if he's poly? You were dating him while married to someone else.

but he's told me that if I choose him he will help me every step of the way.

Great. Reasonable and rational help from your BF at this juncture might be helping you paint and move into your new flat. Date your BF from your new flat. Maybe date others, since you are exploring poly dating.

It really reassures me, because I never thought about divorce till I met him. He wasn't even the one to bring it up first, it was me and I can't stop thinking about it since. I never even humored the idea of kids with my husband, but find myself wanting that with my boyfriend.

I think you're deep in NRE with your BF and finally getting a taste of healthier dating, where there is a shared interest in BDSM, you are more sexually compatible, he encourages you in your social activities, etc., rather than the "escape dating" you were doing at 18.

But don't get so carried away that you jump into NEW commitments too fast. Slow your roll. Don't marry your BF. Don't have kids with him right now. Maybe later on in the future you could, but not right now. You are only 24. You don't have to do all the things in life in your early 20s. Where's the rush? Where's the fire?

Divorce as peacefully as possible, under the circumstances, and live some life on your own first, in your own place. Get to know young adult you living in your own home, not at your mom's place, not at your and hubby's place, just YOUR place.

That is my suggestion.

He asked me if I were serious about choosing him, and after reassuring me, he offered to help me any way he can.

Choose YOURSELF. And yes, continue to date your BF, enjoy your time together. But don't make big promises or commitments with him right now. You will have a divorce to get through, and then healing to do first. Taking him up on big promises or big commitments while rebounding from your divorce would do both of you a disservice. SLOW DOWN.

Galagirl

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Do you want to be with your husband at all? Yes? You need to talk to him and figure out how HE would handle a legal divorce too. No? Then divorce him. Not for your bf, but for you.

 

[violetinthedark]

I've decided I'm moving forward with the divorce. It's not going to be a fast process. I've never planned on rushing anything, so it'll be a long process. I still am not sure how to talk with my husband about it. I feel no matter what I say, it won't be a good enough excuse to him. It'll definitely be a shock to him. My first step is writing down what I want to say to him

 

[Evie]

Hi Violet, how's the process of communicating your wishes to you stbx husband going?

 

[violetinthedark]

I'm still drafting how I want to say everything right now. I'm sure he will have lots of questions and I want to be able to answer as many as I can.

I'm sure, in his eyes, I'm throwing 6 years away for another man. Even if I explain it as me wanting a better life for myself, I know he's not going to want to accept that.

I also don't want to bring it up without a fallback plan either. I'm not a super-optimistic person, and worry he will have an adverse reaction to the news. I don't believe he would hurt me, but I also don't want to risk being stuck with no support.

I dont think approaching him with my boyfriend would be a good idea, although I might have him in the area in case I need to leave the situation.

There's a lot I want set up before I tell him, as well. Although we may not have to file the paperwork right away, I feel I'm ready for the time apart. I'll stay as long as it takes to get my own place and move, but I expect it'll be 3-6 months before I can get the paperwork done. I can only hope that everything else goes smoothly and we won't have to go to court.

 

[kdt26417]

Fingers crossed for you, that your pending talk with your husband will go well, or at least better than you expected. Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm still drafting how I want to say everything right now. I'm sure he will have lots of questions and I want to be able to answer as many as I can.

I'm sure, in his eyes, I'm throwing 6 years away for another man. Even if I explain it as me wanting a better life for myself, I know he's not going to want to accept that.

I also don't want to bring it up without a fallback plan either. I'm not a super-optimistic person, and worry he will have an adverse reaction to the news. I don't believe he would hurt me, but I also don't want to risk being stuck with no support.

I dont think approaching him with my boyfriend would be a good idea, although I might have him in the area in case I need to leave the situation.

There's a lot I want set up before I tell him, as well. Although we may not have to file the paperwork right away, I feel I'm ready for the time apart. I'll stay as long as it takes to get my own place and move, but I expect it'll be 3-6 months before I can get the paperwork done. I can only hope that everything else goes smoothly and we won't have to go to court.

Are you talking about filing legal separation and divorce paperwork? You'll have to go to the court at the end of the process to make the divorce legal. If you h gives you any trouble about the divorce, assets, etc., you may need a lawyer.

If he hurts you in any way, take notes on it (what exactly happened, and when), and contact the police.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm still drafting how I want to say everything right now. I'm sure he will have lots of questions and I want to be able to answer as many as I can.

I see you want this, but why does it have to be NOW? Y'all could do that after the divorce is filed and final. Be careful you aren't being "too nice" or caught in the idea that break-ups have to be mutual in order for there to be closure.

I also don't want to bring it up without a fallback plan either. I'm not a super-optimistic person, and worry he will have an adverse reaction to the news. I don't believe he would hurt me, but I also don't want to risk being stuck with no support.

I helped a friend file when she was leaving her abusive husband. These days you can download the PDF from the city hall website, but we went to pick up the "dissolution of marriage packet" in person at the courthouse. Hers was the easiest one. They come in levels-- easy, kids/no kids, property/no property, etc.

I took her to lunch, then we sat at my house while she talked and I wrote. She was super emotional, so I was her secretary, physically writing the things down. It's just boring form work. Name of this person, that person. Address. Phone. Just go down the list and fill in the boxes. It was hard for her. I think we just met for lunch once a week to do another chunk. She left all the papers at my house so her husband wouldn't find them.

If peaceful enough, a divorcing couple can use tools like wevorce.com, or do it with a mediator rather than court. Some of my friends used those paths in their divorces. But others have to do it traditionally, with lawyers and in court.

You sound like you suspect it's gonna get ugly, so you may need a lawyer. Do you have a friend who'd be willing to store your papers and be your secretary? (DO NOT ASK THE BF.) If not, take out a safety deposit box at the bank for all your ID stuff, passport, credit cards, divorce papers, etc.

At 24 years of age, if there aren't a lot of shared assets, and there are no kids, and if you already have your own separate banking, it might be rough emotionally, but it's just paper forms or digital forms. You pay to file it at the courthouse, it goes in the system, he gets served the summons, you both go to court on the assigned time/date.

Remember it takes two people at the bank to ask them to add/remove a name or close a joint checking or savings account, but just takes one person going to the bank to withdraw everything and leave the joint checking with zero money in it.

If there's anything in a joint account, take out half and put it in your separate account, maybe at a whole separate bank. Do not take it all, just half. Change your paycheck to be deposited in your new account. You need to have money to live on in the divorce process, and so does your STBX. Half is fair.

If there is anything else held jointly, get your name off it, or cancel it entirely-- power bill, phone bill, credit cards, Netflix, Amazon Prime, whatever. The last thing you need is a joint credit card and your spouse running it up and running away and leaving you to pay for their mess.

Sort the rest of your shared assets/debts in mediation. List the assets-- cars and other belongings and property. List the debts-- student loans, car loans, etc., with all the loan numbers, lenders, lender addresses, etc. Make it EASY for the system to help you.

My friend told me later she was really glad I told her to get it all sorted before she filed and he was served, ending the joint checking account, canceling anything in her name, like phone, power, etc. She didn't believe that he could be THAT mean, but turned out he was.

I know she was processing a lot of abuse stuff at the time, and felt off-balance from emotions and grief and all that. But the dude was hitting her and verbally abusing her already, so I was not surprised that he got mad that she made a move to protect herself and prevent him from financially abusing her. He just hadn't gotten there yet. But he was gonna! He went to the bank to take it all, but ta da! she had gotten there FIRST, and just left him his half.

All this to say -- if you don't feel safe, take steps. Talk to professionals.

I don't think approaching him with my boyfriend would be a good idea, although I might have him in the area in case I need to leave the situation.

BF in the area may not be enough if you do not feel safe.

Maybe you want to think about a safety plan and talk to professionals about HOW to leave and remain safe.

What is a Safety Plan?

Domestic violence safety planning is a personalized plan for improving safety while experiencing abuse, preparing to leave, or after leaving.

www.thehotline.org

Talk to your husband in a public space, NOT behind private closed doors. Go to Starbucks or Denny's or something. Have your go bag ALREADY at a friend's home or BF's home ahead of time.

You can also just get gone and skip all that. When he gets served the papers, that can tell him you want a divorce.

My friend took that approach because her ex was bananas. A group of friends helped move her out while her husband was at work, and she just left. She rented a PO box to get all her mail there during the divorce process, so he could not learn her new personal address at her new place.

If he hurts you in any way, take notes on it (what exactly happened, and when), and contact the police.

I second this. Get the times, dates, incidents on the public record by calling the cops. If this ends up nasty and you ALSO have to file an injunction for a restraining order, help the system help you. If incidents have been reported previously and are in the public record, it shows you aren't lying or just out to make his life hell. There are REASONS why you are here.

I encourage you to talk to professionals you might need in your particular scenario. If you can avail yourself, that might include a counselor and/or a divorce support group, so you have support through this process.

You might also get a medical check-up and state that you are divorcing, stressed, etc. Sometimes people lose their appetites, have trouble sleeping, have anxiety, etc. So you could ask your doc if a sleep aid or anxiety meds or something might be appropriate in your case.

Good luck,
Galagirl

 

[violetinthedark]

Be careful you aren't being "too nice" or caught in the idea that break-ups have to be mutual in order for there to be closure.

I'm not a very confrontational person. I have bad anxiety and know I'll have a panic attack if I don't try to plan out all I wanna say. I guess I wanted to be able to answer his questions out of respect and to show our marriage meant something to me. I suppose I feel I owe him that for breaking his heart. Obviously some things will be better left unanswered for both our mental health.

I helped a friend file when she was leaving abusive ex-husband. These days you can download the PDF from the city hall website. We went to pick up the "dissolution of marriage packet" in person at the courthouse. Hers was the easiest one. They come in levels -- easy, kids/no kids, property/no property etc.

I haven't been looking into the paperwork stuff just yet, since it will be about 3-6 months before I'll be able to actually file the papers. Also, yeah, no kids, although I have pets, two dogs and a cat. The dogs are mine and the cat is his.

She left all her papers at my house so he wouldn't find them.

I've recently confided in my brother about my thoughts and what I've already been planning. He is the only person besides my boyfriend who I've told, outside of this forum. He has offered to help me, as well. He had an idea of having him there when I broke the news for safety and a witness. If I need to leave I'll be able to stay at his place. He stressed for me to take my time and fully plan out everything before I kick anything into action, of course. His main worry is I'll go through all of this and end up alone, which is justified. I reassured him I'd be able to get my own apartment. I'm just worried about the dogs.

If peaceful enough, a divorcing couple can use tools like wevorce.com, or do it with a mediator rather than court. Some of my friends used those paths on their divorces, but others did it traditionally, with lawyers and in court.

Thank you for telling me about how you helped your friend. It'll be very useful info.

You sound like you suspect it's gonna get ugly, so you may need a lawyer. Do you have a friend willing to store your papers and be your secretary? (DO NOT ASK THE BF.) If not, take out a safety deposit box at the bank for all your ID, passport, credit cards, divorce papers, etc.

I can have my brother hold onto the papers. It wouldn't raise any red flags to hang out with him while I file my paperwork when the time comes.

You already have your own separate banking? Emotionally it might be rough, but it's just paper forms or digital forms. You pay to file it at the courthouse, it goes in the system, he gets served the summons. You both go to court at the assigned time/date.

Separate accounts, same bank. I don't know if he has access to my account. It is under my own email and password. We made them together at the beginning of our marriage. I most likely will just make a new account with a different bank because the closest one to me currently is two hours away. Thanks, Navy Federal.

I encourage you to talk to professionals you might need in your particular scenario. If you can avail yourself, that might include a counselor and/or a divorce support group, so you have support through this process.

You might also get a medical check-up and state that you are divorcing, stressed, etc. Sometimes people lose their appetites, have trouble sleeping, anxiety, etc. You could ask your doc if a sleep aid or anxiety meds or something might be appropriate in your case.

I wouldn't even know where to find a professional to speak with. I don't go to therapy, nor does my insurance cover it. I can look into support groups though. I'm sure a local group would be able to direct me to a pro.