Hi,
My wife and I have been in a monogamous relationship for 23 years.
About a year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. It had already spread to my liver, and the prognosis was pretty bleak. My wife and I had to come to terms with the fact that I could die soon, leaving her with our two sons (ages 10 and 12). After a year of operations and chemotherapy treatments, I am now cancer free, and have made peace with the idea that it might come back.
My wife has had to imagine herself without me, and had to do so while I was emotionally unavailable for a year. This has been very tough on her, and caused her to reevaluate her life and what she wants from it. So, a few months ago, she informed me that she wants to be able to feel love and share love without (too many) restrictions. She is convinced that she will end up unhappy, and even a bad mother as a result of it, if she stays in a monogamous relationship. I believe her. To complicate things, she already has a man with whom she is seriously considering getting involved. Until then, he was a friend of ours, so I know him.
Needless to say, this caused a major identity crisis for me, and it was only a week ago that the full extent of what she was saying hit home. We've had multiple conversations over the last few months, and subconsciously, I kept reducing things to a manageable level. This was frustrating for her, as I kept fluctuating between acceptance and grief, and each time I discovered I had misunderstood something and things were worse than I thought.
The way I see it now, and this perspective has convinced her that I finally get it, is that it I thought it was self-evident that our relationship would last forever, but this was an illusion. I don't own her. She is an independent person whose needs in life can change, regardless of the wedding bands on our fingers. Nothing can be taken away from me by a third partner, because I didn't have it in the first place. By the same token, I am an independent person as well, and am responsible for my own needs and feelings.
Keeping this realization in mind has helped me a great deal in keeping jealousy at bay, but I am still struggling with unmet needs of equality, simplicity, privacy, protection... These usually grow in intensity as I think of the fact that this is only the beginning and their contact may grow in frequency, nature (physical) and duration.
It is especially hard on me that there seems to be no upper limit to this, as they themselves admit to not knowing where it can go. When tunnel vision hits hard, I imagine my wife asking me to wear a condom because they don't think it's safe. I see the house being sold and only getting to see my own kids half the time. In those moments, I experience grief, hopelessness and anger towards him.
To my regret, and sometimes shame, I have to admit that, while I may not have admitted it at the time, I certainly have treated my wife as self-evident. She doesn't hold this against me, but it cuts deep to realise now that she may have been experiencing an unmet need for intimacy and connection for years. I am truly grateful I have come to see this, and have discovered one of the pitfalls of monogamy.
On the positive side, the realisation that our relationship is not self evident, has increased our bond tenfold. My wife is no longer a person who will simply be there, but someone I am glad to see, who chooses to be with me every day. Being together is work, and we do it. I have always had problems with sustained eye contact with her, we only had sex two/three times a year, rarely went on a date, and I just accepted it as the reality of married life. Now, we constantly cuddle, look into each other's eyes, plan dates and have intimate and loving sex almost every day. Full on NRE.
This to me is exciting, wholesome and gives me hope for the future.
I am however, for multiple reasons which I will not get into here, convinced that her potential partner is far from the ideal person, for a 23-year-married couple to take on to get into polyamory. She already sees him multiple times a month, sometimes two times a week, often an entire day. I am still coming to terms with polyamory, and his presence in our agenda, our conversations, and in my head complicates and muddles this process. The pressure is on.
If I would be able to choose, we would be together, have our newfound bond, and gradually, as a couple, discover polyamory in a durable way. On the other hand, I know and trust this person completely, which might not be the case with someone else...
As a last point, I would like to say that, thanks to reading this forum, and the Poly Hell article, I have come a long way already. I have decided I am no longer paralysed with fear by the doomsday image of us breaking up. This empowers me to see that I choose to be in this too and can defend my needs at any time.
I would love to hear your thoughts, reactions, tips, insights on this. It already has been incredibly helpful to write this down.
David
My wife and I have been in a monogamous relationship for 23 years.
About a year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. It had already spread to my liver, and the prognosis was pretty bleak. My wife and I had to come to terms with the fact that I could die soon, leaving her with our two sons (ages 10 and 12). After a year of operations and chemotherapy treatments, I am now cancer free, and have made peace with the idea that it might come back.
My wife has had to imagine herself without me, and had to do so while I was emotionally unavailable for a year. This has been very tough on her, and caused her to reevaluate her life and what she wants from it. So, a few months ago, she informed me that she wants to be able to feel love and share love without (too many) restrictions. She is convinced that she will end up unhappy, and even a bad mother as a result of it, if she stays in a monogamous relationship. I believe her. To complicate things, she already has a man with whom she is seriously considering getting involved. Until then, he was a friend of ours, so I know him.
Needless to say, this caused a major identity crisis for me, and it was only a week ago that the full extent of what she was saying hit home. We've had multiple conversations over the last few months, and subconsciously, I kept reducing things to a manageable level. This was frustrating for her, as I kept fluctuating between acceptance and grief, and each time I discovered I had misunderstood something and things were worse than I thought.
The way I see it now, and this perspective has convinced her that I finally get it, is that it I thought it was self-evident that our relationship would last forever, but this was an illusion. I don't own her. She is an independent person whose needs in life can change, regardless of the wedding bands on our fingers. Nothing can be taken away from me by a third partner, because I didn't have it in the first place. By the same token, I am an independent person as well, and am responsible for my own needs and feelings.
Keeping this realization in mind has helped me a great deal in keeping jealousy at bay, but I am still struggling with unmet needs of equality, simplicity, privacy, protection... These usually grow in intensity as I think of the fact that this is only the beginning and their contact may grow in frequency, nature (physical) and duration.
It is especially hard on me that there seems to be no upper limit to this, as they themselves admit to not knowing where it can go. When tunnel vision hits hard, I imagine my wife asking me to wear a condom because they don't think it's safe. I see the house being sold and only getting to see my own kids half the time. In those moments, I experience grief, hopelessness and anger towards him.
To my regret, and sometimes shame, I have to admit that, while I may not have admitted it at the time, I certainly have treated my wife as self-evident. She doesn't hold this against me, but it cuts deep to realise now that she may have been experiencing an unmet need for intimacy and connection for years. I am truly grateful I have come to see this, and have discovered one of the pitfalls of monogamy.
On the positive side, the realisation that our relationship is not self evident, has increased our bond tenfold. My wife is no longer a person who will simply be there, but someone I am glad to see, who chooses to be with me every day. Being together is work, and we do it. I have always had problems with sustained eye contact with her, we only had sex two/three times a year, rarely went on a date, and I just accepted it as the reality of married life. Now, we constantly cuddle, look into each other's eyes, plan dates and have intimate and loving sex almost every day. Full on NRE.
This to me is exciting, wholesome and gives me hope for the future.I am however, for multiple reasons which I will not get into here, convinced that her potential partner is far from the ideal person, for a 23-year-married couple to take on to get into polyamory. She already sees him multiple times a month, sometimes two times a week, often an entire day. I am still coming to terms with polyamory, and his presence in our agenda, our conversations, and in my head complicates and muddles this process. The pressure is on.
If I would be able to choose, we would be together, have our newfound bond, and gradually, as a couple, discover polyamory in a durable way. On the other hand, I know and trust this person completely, which might not be the case with someone else...
As a last point, I would like to say that, thanks to reading this forum, and the Poly Hell article, I have come a long way already. I have decided I am no longer paralysed with fear by the doomsday image of us breaking up. This empowers me to see that I choose to be in this too and can defend my needs at any time.
I would love to hear your thoughts, reactions, tips, insights on this. It already has been incredibly helpful to write this down.
David
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