Polyamory + Aging = Loneliness?

But you’re right. I too would have like to hear some the answers to my questions.

Hi dingedheart,

One thing I wanted to say, but was hesitating to do, because it might derail this thread in a different direction: when you asked ninjin if she reported her date rape, that might have come across as an off-putting judgmental question.

There are so many, many reasons why a woman might not want to report being raped that it's really not a question you should ever ask, especially in a context where the answer can't possibly make any difference to the discussion.

Just for some examples: once, on a second date, I felt unsafe and uncomfortable in a man's apartment. Luckily, he accepted my "no" and let me leave abruptly. It honestly would have been within his power to prevent me leaving if he chose. And if I'd been assaulted, I wouldn't have reported it, because the only "evidence" would have been me eagerly sexting the guy for a week and then driving two hours to his apartment.

Another example: some years ago, my friend was mugged by a stranger (no sexual assault). The policeman who took her statement harassed her and made repeated comments about her breasts. The whole experience was so traumatizing, it took her years to recognize that she was NOT at fault for wearing a low-cut top. And of course she should have made an official complaint about the cop, but she was young and couldn't deal with that, and frankly just wanted to never deal with the cops again. And so, a few years later when she did experience a sexual assault on a date, she did not bother reporting it to the police in the same jurisdiction. :mad:

It's definitely very common that when women try to talk about their experiences with sexual assault, they are immediately asked "Well, did you report it?" as if not reporting it means that it didn't really happen or wasn't really assault. Unless the context of the discussion is specifically about reporting assault, and people's experiences with reporting, it's not a question that needs to be asked.

The main thing about date rape is that lack of consent usually can't be proved, and that the survivor might feel like it was their own fault because they chose to go on a date with the person.

I know you are referring to the other questions you asked her, though.
 
When you asked ninjin if she reported her date rape...that might have come across as an off-putting and judgmental question. There are many, many reasons why a woman might not want to report being raped that it's really not a question you should ever ask, especially in a context where the answer can't possibly make any difference to the discussion.

Good to know. I was unaware of the etiquette surrounding someone sharing that information. The nature of my question was, I hope she sought justice. Maybe that particular guy/scumbag had that as his MO or routine.

Once on a second date, I felt unsafe and uncomfortable in a man's apartment. Luckily, he accepted my "no" and let me leave abruptly. It honestly would have been within his power to prevent me leaving if he chose. And if I'd been assaulted, I wouldn't have reported it, because the only "evidence" would have been me eagerly sexting the guy for a week and then driving two hours to his apartment.

Some years ago, my friend was mugged by a stranger (no sexual assault). The policeman who took her statement harassed her and made repeated comments about her breasts. The whole experience was so traumatizing, it took her years to recognize that she was NOT at fault for wearing a low-cut top. And of course she should have made an official complaint about the cop, but she was young and couldn't deal with that, and frankly just wanted to never deal with the cops again. And so, a few years later when she did experience a sexual assault on a date, she did not bother reporting it to the police in the same jurisdiction. :mad:
Very sad and very understandable.
It's definitely very common that when women try to talk about their experiences with sexual assault, they are immediately asked "Well, did you report it?" as if not reporting it means that it didn't really happen or wasn't really assault.
I think with all the unpleasant to downright traumatic personal stories of being grilled by cops or DAs, it definitely doesn't mean it didn’t happen I get why someone would choose not to put themselves through that. I myself have blown off reporting vandalism because it would have been a waste of my time.

Unless the context of the discussion is specifically about reporting assault and people's experiences with reporting, it's not a question that needs to be asked.
Good point. But by the same token, she chose add that to the story.
The main thing about date rape is that lack of consent usually can't be proved, and that the survivor might feel like it was their own fault because they chose to go on a date with the person.
I think that’s what makes it really insidious and super messy and complicated.

I know you are referring to the other questions you asked her, though.
Yes, if you hadn’t brought it up, I’d have forgotten it was in there.
 
Good to know. I was unaware of the etiquette surrounding someone sharing that information. The nature of my question was, I hope she sought justice. Maybe that particular guy/scumbag had that as his MO or routine.

I think with all the unpleasant to downright traumatic personal stories of being grilled by cops or DAs, it definitely doesn't mean it didn’t happen. I get why someone would choose not to put themselves through that. I myself have blown off reporting vandalism because it would have been a waste of my time.

Good point. But by the same token, she chose add that to the story.

I think that’s what makes it really insidious and super messy and complicated.

Yes, if you hadn’t brought it up, I’d have forgotten it was in there.
That makes sense, dingedheart. Thanks for replying!
 
To be fair it sounded like she was venting a frustration being a single poly female in a plus 50 age bracket. It’s sort of the opposite end of he poly spectrum of married poly men not being able to find any dates. Somewhere around 40-45 these to groups probably intersect.

But you’re right I too would have like to hear some the answers to my questions.👍

I have witnessed plenty of women do the "all the good ones are taken" rant even in their 30s. Although this one was a bit different because ninjin seems to be talking about flip-flopping between mono and poly men. She is not attracted to the crunchy poly guy, so she is trying to exist in a dating pool where she herself is a fish out of water...

I don't find the notion strange at all that a "good" mono man is likely looking for someone that has a history of shared values. I know there will be exceptions of course, but what portion of them are the - take whatever I can get - type of guy...

This way of dating sounds fraught with undesirable outcomes...
 
I have witnessed plenty of women do the "all the good ones are taken" rant even in their 30s. Although this one was a bit different because ninjin seems to be talking about flip-flopping between mono and poly men. She is not attracted to the crunchy poly guy, so she is trying to exist in a dating pool where she herself is a fish out of water...
Maybe it wasn’t flip-flopping as much as willing to exhaust or try all possibilities. And yes she ran into that issue as well.
I don't find the notion strange at all that a "good" mono man is likely looking for someone that has a history of shared values. I know there will be exceptions of course, but what portion of them are the - take whatever I can get - type of guy...
I think there’s a list of temporary factors that could influence a good mono guy into test drives.
This way of dating sounds fraught with undesirable outcomes...
And she’s got the battle scars to prove it.
 
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