I'm starting to feel like I'm taking up too much of everyone's time; after all this is a polyamory discussion forum, and there
are pending questions from people who have a variable number of partners rather than being permanently flatlined at zero
A few last thoughts though:
1. Bringing up e-mail confused things, and I shouldn't have done it. The only point I wanted to make was that you essentially
have to disclose your poly past early on when dating mono people, assuming you want to avoid living in constant fear of your new partner finding out and breaking up with you much more viciously once he or she can claim to have "wasted years on you." From there I only brought up deleting old e-mails to illustrate that even if you take the most extreme measures you don't get 100% certainty that your partner won't find out, hence you don't get 100% freedom from this fear by lying, and hence lying isn't a viable alternative to early and honest disclosure. And the only reason I wanted to make the
original point was to illustrate that since a poly past is something you have to be honest about early on, and since doing so will immediately kill some potential relationships, a history of polyamory does permanent damage to your ability to find non-poly partners in the future (and consequently
any partners once there's nobody left in your ever-dwindling poly pool).
2. I've carefully read what everyone has had to say, and I still just don't believe there is any way out of the trap I'm in. Even though living multiple decades of the last part of my life in isolation, and then dying alone, has always been one of my biggest fears, I think the best thing I could do at this point is simply do what I can to face this fear, since it has demonstrably come to pass. There are plenty of professions and spiritual practices (not to mention punishments like solitary confinement) which involve being deprived of human companionship, so perhaps there are some coping skills I could learn from people who have survived those experiences and subsequently written about them. At least that's something I could put my time and energy into which is more positive then continuing to dwell on how I ruined my life's endgame by sticking with polyamory longer than I should have.
3. I don't think I'm depressed, but let's say I might be wrong about that. If I
am depressed, then inflicting myself on someone else wouldn't be ethical, and as such getting into a new relationship would be wrong. But if I'm
not depressed, and therefore my judgment is sound, then I must also be right about not being able to find any more new partners, and as such getting into a new relationship would be impossible. Either way, I shouldn't be looking.
4. When writing my original post I tried to think everything through carefully, but in reading one person's comments above I realized there was something I missed. It concerns my last point in that original post, i.e. the one with with the Burning Man example. Basically, if being mono can be better than being poly (or more specifically non-closed poly) at least when it comes to enjoying most other aspects of life, then for the same reason being partnerless should enjoy the same advantages,
provided you're so completely
certain of your inability to attract people that the thought of flirting with someone literally never crosses your mind. And now, I think I can honestly say I'm finally at that point.
Anyway, thank you for all your help. I didn't come here to argue for arguing's sake, and was honestly hoping there might be some way out of this trap I'm in. I'm still not seeing one, but as a result of talking things through I did have the insight described in the paragraph immediately above , which is at least a sort of consolation prize.
P.S. A number of people asked about my age and location, questions which in reviewing this thread a few minutes ago I've realized I failed to answer. Anyway, in case you'd still like to know, I live in Seattle and am in my early 40's.
