I think I resurrected this post, trying to post my reply to the original post on Wednesday. For some reason it doesn't show here anymore, so I will repost...
I want to thank you,
@Shipwrecked, for this post. Unfortunately I found this post because I have experienced most of these exact problems. I have been in many long-term, monogamous relationships, but have also spent about 10 years (scattered across 3 time periods) in polyamorous relationships of different configurations, and I have concluded that YES, polyamory is a very high risk factor for women, and if I could go back, I would have avoided almost all of my polyamorous relationships.
I was not in it for sexual purposes (though I am a big fan of sex, and kink, and think people need to seriously RELAX about other people being ethical sluts!). I am a demisexual, someone for whom real emotional connection is paramount (and almost always required for me to be interested in someone sexually). Reliable, unconditional love is what I want more than anything. I too got greedy, like Aesop's dog, and wanted THAT - real, deep, fully connected, intimate love - from more than one person. I thought multiplying my partners would multiply the chance that I would find that happiness, and therefore a life partner, but was not thinking about (and/or wasn't aware of) the many threats to that model.
I agree: if you're young and hot-enough, play that game as long as it's fun, and you're taking time to slow down and conscientiously possible long-term outcomes. Because I agree that the not-fun-ness (or The Dark Side of Polyamory) can be insidiously unclear. The lying-to-themselves problem happens consistently with poly men, even with the therapist I dated for two years, who dumped me when I became disabled and he found a new girlfriend who could go out and do more social things. He certainly spoke and presented like he loved me unconditionally, but it turns out there were TONS of conditions. As a 47-year-old disabled woman, I am functionally invisible to potential partners (and I won't even get into the ableism in that breakup). My ex is now dating a woman 17 years younger than him. Because he can. He looks his age, I look young for my age (I am consistently told by humans and Google's age-determination-from-photo technology). Yet he's a hot commodity, and I'm chopped liver.
Which brings me to one additional factor to consider: the pool of men who opt for non-monogamy tend to include a higher percentage of CREEPS, WEIRDOS, SEX PESTS, ABUSERS and MISCREANTS. Just.. I promise. Polyamorous men are more likely to smell weird than your average guy, you know what I mean? Like, that or SOMETHING like that. Such as owning a didgeridoo (while NOT being an indigenous Australian), or being into practicing one of the more embarrassing circus arts, or truly considers a bunch of birds to be his "family"... not all deal-breakers by any means... but you're in a certain realm of humans that does not reflect the average population.
You don't need to check, it's true. I did SO much research in the last 5 years... and was date raped for my trouble. And sent first messages full of unwanted sexual content. And surprise dick pics after trusting someone enough to exchange phone numbers. And being scolded for not sending photos of my genitals to someone before we had met in person, on literally the first day we had connected. And being ghosted repeatedly. It was MURDER on my self-esteem, and just made me upset about the state of humanity, but I, 1) just KEPT blaming myself, and/or 2) just KEPT TRYING, giving more and more people chances, instead of realizing I was fighting a losing battle (The Dark Side of Nevertheless, She Persisted
+
+
). And just think about the numbers: many of the good guys get partnered up and stay that way. The longer you mess around with your life and your future (how I see polyamory now), the higher your risks of winding up lonely. You are dating the dregs. Of course there must be absolute gems in there, but realize that they will be fewer and farther between the longer (AND older you are when) you choose polyamorous dating.
I want to clearly state that this has been my experience dating hetero cis men. I have met far more high-quality females in my poly circles than men. So I am only speaking from my experience. And I went on first and second dates with guys who seemed great, we just weren't a match... but compared to when I have been seeking men who were seeking monogamy, even the seemingly-best of the pool is hilariously disappointing.
Another factor to consider is how long someone has been polyamorous. With it becoming so trendy recently, there are a lot of newbs. And they might PWN your heart through selfishness and ignorance and not thinking hard or reading much before deciding to TRY polyamory. You are in an experiment, whether these dudes know it or not. That's a very bad place to be. I've found that their moment of revelation is likely to come when their face is buried in someone else's pink parts. Good women get REPLACED really, really often, because these men do not know how to distinguish NRE (New Relationship Energy) from The Truth; they've never practiced, and instead of talking to you about how they are feeling, they are likely to hide it from you to keep things convenient or desire-fulfilling for them. I recommend not dating anyone who has been polyamorous less than 3 years. Minimum, seriously. Polyamory has a learning curve, and it involves examining one's own identity and role in the world; not everyone does a lot of introspection, and some people introspect in a self-serving, dishonest manner. Sorry to say it, but I think I can say 'especially men' without being off-base. Not all men of course, just MORE men than women exhibit this behavior.
My advice to young people: enjoy life how you want to, but make a point of
occasionally trying to examine your life and make the most cynical assessments you can. Not that those are fully right, but see where the doubts lead. One of my happiest friends actually makes time every new year to look back at the year passing, and the year ahead. I recommend journaling during this process, or being alone in nature, or letting your thoughts percolate while you do something joyous, like dancing. Listen to your gut. It will tell you hard truths. My main regret in life is not taking my gut instincts seriously enough.
If you have a partner now, whether monogamous or polyamorous, think about it like you're just meeting the two of you as a couple... what do you see after taking off the rose-colored glasses? Ask your friends and family for their honest opinions of this partner and the two of you together. Plead with them not to avoid uncomfortable conversation, as your early decisions about relationships have more repercussions than you're able to know now that you should even be thinking about, I promise. Including others not wanting to date you later, as mentioned above, because they will think you aren't capable of monogamy. Similarly, when I've made the mistake of telling newer acquaintances casually about my "sex friend," the response isn't usually laughter and delight like with my poly friends... it's usually the other person becoming visibly, instantly uncomfortable.
I am not judgmental about people choosing polyamory, even though I've decided that's not for me anymore. I am pro-fun, pro-getting your dopamine in whatever ethical way you desire, pro-adventure, pro-experimentation. But don't kid yourself into thinking there's no downside. That includes not having enough time to pursue your own non-age-dependent pursuits, which is SO important as you age. Hang onto your identity! Develop a rich inner life, practice your hobbies, relish and tend to your friends and family, try new things, etc. I wish I had known then what I know now. Think about what would make you happy if you suddenly can't leave your home without having to endure plenty of pain and unbelievable hassles... because it happened to me, and it could happen to you, at any age. And in this society, for women, JUST the experience of aging can be akin to developing a stigmatized disability.
Love and luck to all
