Polyamory and asexuality

I went to a poly meeting last night where a really interesting and funny woman talked about asexuality. Wow, did I learn a lot!

Here is a link with some basic facts from the website she mods, and has done for about 10 years. http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html

My first thoughts were based on what happened that made this be. I have a friend that was extremely sexually abused as a child, and I have clients that take a ton of antidepressant and anti-psychotic medications that have made their desires go. But apparently this is not asexuality. Asexuality is an orientation that one is born with, like being gay or lesbian or bi.

Another term I was not familiar with is aromantic. Here is a definition. http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Aromantic

From what I gather, asexuals can identify as romantic or aromantic. They can carry on relationships with others in a romantic sense, but not a sexual sense. Some carry on relationships without romance or sex.

Another interesting fact I didn't know is that some asexuals are just not desirous of others, yet will have sex if it is meaningful for their partners. Others are repelled by the act and will not. Some have kids by just performing the act, or by turkey baster method, etc. The range of relationship is the same as in the sexual community, it seems.

So much to learn!

The woman that spoke talked of her life, her experiences on the forum, and gave some stats that were the results of studies. Very interesting. Hope someone finds this link and those associated with it helpful and interesting, as poly and asexuality have a strong link for some.
 
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Interesting.

This thread popping up again has me wondering if anybody's found a collection of terms that attempts to encompass the gamut of relationship connections.

For me, I'd love to find a term that describes romantic friendships in a fashion with which I can identify. For me to be involved with somebody, sex has to be involved. I'm at a loss as to how to refer to somebody with whom I'm not involved and yet have a bit of a romance going.
 
redpepper said:
My first thoughts were based on what happened that made this be. I have a friend that was extremely sexually abused as a child, and I have clients that take a ton of anti-depressant and anti-psychotic medications that have made their desire go. But apparently this is not asexuality. Asexuality is an orientation that one is born with, like being gay or lesbian or bi.
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Yeah, so I just skimmed through this thread, since it popped up, and I was wondering about the term asexual. It seemed that what lots of folks were really talking about was essentially being non-sexual, not necessarily asexual. Just like the recent thread where someone used the term celibate just because they haven't had sex in a while. Being celibate is a choice. Being asexual is not a choice, either from having non-functioning sexual organs or no desire for sex, and usually not a response to emotional trauma. But being non-sexual, rather than asexual or celibate, could be either a choice or a situation one finds oneself in. I remember seeing a television special or documentary about an asexual person who lived as a man, but had no sex drive. I recall some discussion in it about hormones and his genitalia.

I will visit that link when I have a chance.

Autumn, why not just call it a non-sexual romance? Or a close companionship? Ah, there are so many forms of intimacy, yet not enough words!
 
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nycindie said:
What lots of folks were really talking about was essentially being non-sexual, not necessarily asexual.
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Yes! Me included, I think. I thought I would address the fact that there is a whole community of people that do identify as such. and it is far different than non-sexual.
 
redpepper said:
I thought I would address the fact that there is a whole community of people that do identify as such, and it is far different than non-sexual.
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Maybe the term "asexual" has changed over the years to include how one self-identifies, but I've always thought of it as something medical/biological.
 
nycindie said:
Maybe the term "asexual" has changed over the years to include how one self-identifies, but I've always thought of it as something medical/biological.
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There's been research done on asexual people. Their bodies actually respond exactly the same as anyone else's physiologically, i.e., their hormone levels are the same, their bodies become stimulated by porn. They just don't desire acting on it with someone. There is absolutely nothing wrong or different with them biologically. Go to their site and check out the info.

I have never been shocked by the idea and was surprised at how many people at the meeting were.

Very cool!
 
Yup, nothing to do with chemical imbalance. Think of someone who is gay. Same thing, in that once people thought they might have an imbalance of some kind, and some still do. Asexuality is in that bracket. Not a choice, an orientation. There is no therapy or other course of action that will change that. Asexuals just aren't interested in sex and don't get how others could be.

I agree with Mono. Check out the forum. Very clear and educational.
 
I realize this thread's a bit old, but I'm asexual, and I identify as homoromantic, meaning I'm not sexually attracted to anyone, but I'm romantically attracted to people of my own gender.

In learning about polyamory, I've been desperate to find sources that address both polyamory and asexuality, and was surprised by the lack of overlap between the two. They seem so similar: both tend to upend everything people assume about relationships. The people in both communities hold an idea of what a relationship should be as different from what they've been taught their whole lives.

Basically, I see no reason asexuality and polyamory wouldn't be compatible, and I'm sure there are successful relationships like that. It's no different than a sexual poly relationship or an ace mono relationship.
 
Periwinkle said:
In learning about polyamory, I've been desperate to find sources that address both polyamory and asexuality, and was surprised by the lack of overlap between the two. They seem so similar: both tend to upend everything people assume about relationships.
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While most people who identify as polyamorous probably think of polyamory as a love style that significantly (typically) involves sexual expression, I'd say that most poly folk also understand that many people love people intensely with whom they are not sexually involved/interested. We also tend to have a fair bit of awareness of human differences.

Anyhow, I like your point about asexuality and polyamory "upending" conventional thoughts and beliefs about relationships. So true. And romantic/sexual (together or apart) relations between person of the same sex still do that for many, too (e.g., considerations of gender roles).

Most of us poly folk realize that polyamory isn't a sex style but a love style (and not a "lifestyle"). Romantic relationships that are asexual are obviously loving partnerships, no less loving than those that include sexual expression. Love is juicy and wonderful and amazing, with or without sex. I think most poly folk understand this, as well. Still, I bet most poly folk are like me, in that we don't really understand, fully, the life of an asexual person, as from the inside. The sex drive is powerful in most of our lives, especially when we are young (as you are). So you're bringing richness to our little community, here. You're offering us an opportunity to learn about romantic same-sex loving between people in which at least one of the partners identifies as asexual. Great! This will help us understand ourselves better, as well as you and those like yourself. Already, I am imagining myself involved in a passionate love affair that doesn't include sexual attraction. Hmmm.

I wonder, do you and your boyfriend cuddle naked? Kiss? Snuggle, spoon?

No, I'm not requiring video footage! ;)
 
Periwinkle said:
Basically--I see no reason asexuality and polyamory wouldn't be compatible, and I'm sure there are successful relationships like that. It's no different than a sexual poly relationship or an ace mono relationship.
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Indeed there isn't. In fact poly I think would be well suited to asexual romances, including the potential for those who prefer cake to date people who also like sex, since that component doesn't need to be satisfied by the asexual partners.
 
River, woo, your response seriously made me dance around in my seat! I was a bit nervous about being accepted, but I'm not so much anymore.

The first time I heard about polyamory, I actually thought it was perfect for asexual people (those who want to pursue it, of course). I'm glad that there are poly people who enjoy exploring the different ways of being intimate with people. It actually gets a bit frustrating, being ace (especially being sex-repulsed), when it feels like the only relationships that get talked about are sexual ones. It's definitely important to address safe sex and such, but sometimes you feel a bit invisible.

Well... there are plenty of ace people who do all that, including some who willingly have sex (and enjoy it, whoa!) for their partner's benefit. Unfortunately, my boyfriend and I haven't had the chance for some hard and fast hand-holding, because we live in different parts of the country.:(

ImaginaryIllusion said:
I think poly would be well-suited to asexual romances, including the potential for those who prefer cake to date people who also like sex, since that component doesn't need to be satisfied by the asexual partners.
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This is why I'm surprised by the lack of overlap. In many accounts of polyamorous relationships I've read, there are relationships that are almost identical to asexual relationships (of course, people identify as they identify, and I wouldn't press a label on anyone). For example, (and to paraphrase) I see a lot of this: "They're dating my girlfriend, and we don't have sex, but we still cuddle." Cuddling without the sex? It's an asexy dream!
 
They are compatible, but both are rare, so the chances of being both are not too high, not to mention you might not realise it as easily, either. But there is a bunch of poly people on AVEN, for instance.

It's like, there are asexual people, and there are panromantic people, but panromantic asexuals aren't that common, because they need to be both at once. Yet, you could say that it makes sense for both to go together on some level, right?

It just works the way it does, you know? Maybe the rates are greater in each group than in the general population, for all I know, but because both groups are so small, it's hard to notice.
 
True. However rare it is, it's pretty big in my own life. My boyfriend and I are both on the ace spectrum. He's always identified as poly, and I'm working on it now. And I've found that even when something is rare, when you stumble upon a community, there are plenty of people to talk to. I mean, the commonly cited statistic is 1% of people are ace, but I know tons of ace people.

Did you find good discussion of polyamory on AVEN? I looked but I ran into a bunch of square-one "Do you think asexuals can be poly?" which doesn't help.
 
I didn't run into any conversation that was specifically about polyamorous aces, but saw several members who mentioned being poly in their signature or profile, and there have been threads mentioning polyamory for the non-ace partner, as a compromise of sorts.
 
Ah, I see. Yeah, when I first learned more and started to ID as ace, I figured I would want my partner to have another partner for that purpose. I thought I'd never meet another ace person at that point, though.

Eh, we'll see what happens. Thank you!
 
Is this the thread with the really good asexual forum link on it? If not try a tag search for "asexual." There are other threads too. Might be helpful.
 
Periwinkle,

If you're okay with answering very personal questions, I'm rather curious to better understand the "ace" experience from your perspective. If I'm being too personal, just ignore my questions.

How important is touch/physical contact to you in your romantic relationships?
What kinds of touching do you do, or are you wanting to do?
Do you enjoy kissing?
 
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