Here's a BPD cartoon:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iraGmA7-9FA
Here's the article at Out of the Fog:
https://outofthefog.net/Disorders/BPD.html
When I tried to set boundaries, the wife freaked out at me, saying that I was trying to make her behave and that I was shaming her.
So she
does realize that she is misbehaving. And she wants to be free to continue to do so without you saying anything about it.
Telling, huh?
Her feeling ashamed of her behavior is not YOU shaming her. IME, BPDs tend to flip it around on you. What they feel, they project on to you. It's too "yucky" for them to own. But then you get the dubious honor of becoming their emotional dumping ground. That's not good for
you. It can become draining.
I think their BPD stuff is best sorted out with a professional. Ideally she would take personal responsibility for herself and go learn how to do her emotional management appropriately. You could encourage that path.
If she refuses, and you choose to stay? Then you could try to encourage
containment. Like she can pitch a fit then, but she cannot do it around you. Do it in her room -- scream, yell, punch a pillow, etc.
One day later with a different approach, and she now loved me again and was happy to have me as part of the family again. WTF?!
Well...you went and refilled her BPD supply, so she felt better the next day.
I experience BPDs as the endless bottomless black hole of need. It's temporary, it will come back. You cannot become her refiller. That's draining for you. She could learn to stand on her own and self validate herself with therapy.
Here? I think she's learned your button to push so you come running. Tread with caution. She might try it again.
I encourage you to set your boundaries and to expect anger when you do.
Set your boundaries anyway. Be firm, kind, and consistent -- just like with a baby or a puppy. That does not mean you let them get away with bad behavior. You can set firm limits with love.
Like:
- This stuff -- I prefer you sort that out with your counselor.
- This stuff -- that you can do with me.
- This other stuff -- you cannot do with me.
All those are neutral statements.
Also remember you cannot control her behavior. You control yours. Set the consequences as something YOU do.
If you loan her your DVD and she breaks it? The consequences is YOU stop loaning her your movies. Not her stop breaking them. If she blows up your phone with texts? YOU block her number. Not her stop texting like crazy. That is what I mean about
you creating your own peace with a BPD person. If she's about to pitch a fit or is pitching a fit? You encourage her to express appropriately and safely and then you LEAVE so you are not in the line of fire.
When my people act out at me? Cross my boundary? I restate the limit and consequence. I say "No. I do not accept that behavior. You may not X around me. If you continue I will Y." They do it again? I follow through with what I said.
I hang up the phone, I count strikes to 3 and then leave, or I just leave on 1 strike depending on the thing. They can feel whatever about it. I remove myself for my OWN well being. They know I mean it. The result is that now I don't have to do much. They know I have firm limits and any shenanigans? I'm out. If they want me around, they keep their nose clean.
When my bf tried to set boundaries, she threatened to commit suicide and refused to let him spend the night at my place.
That's where he calls 911. That is the correct response to suicide.
Otherwise she's simply found the "button" to hold him emotionally hostage. And she will play it again to get the same result another time -- his undivided attention.
He could treat suicide seriously. And expect anger when he does. But he could do the right thing anyway and get his wife to medical care.
As husband, he can look into involuntary commitment rules in his area. What it takes. If he does not want this responsibility any more? He could make her next of kin aware that she is suicidal and that he's bowing out. He could then look into divorce instead.
Basically, he has to make a decision about whether or not he up for being married to a BPD person.
I sympathize, these are not easy things to think about.
But he could think about them anyway.
So how do I set boundaries with her? I can't push too hard or she will split again.
You do not have to push anything. Just say "No, thanks." She's going to split anyway, sooner or later. What is she doing that bugs you? What do you need help making a boundary for?
Like your BF, you have to decide whether you want to deal in this or not. If you decide to stay in it, you could get firmer about your boundaries and if she has a cow -- let her have it. Just away from you. The result is they wear themselves out and the feelings pass that way. Then they are "hungover" the next few days. It's not as "good" a way to come down from being emotionally disregulated, but might have to do it the "hard way" a few times.
Offer to call a counselor. If not? Go hang up, go home. Let her pitch her fit in her room in safe space.
Makes it a lot simpler on you. Not simpler to feel, but simple actions to do. And the more you do it and see that she's not dead, she is still here carrying on... the less the "drama stuff" will affect you emotionally.
You know what to treat seriously, but you also know what's "noise."
And of course, what is the role of my bf? He is in the same boat, trying to get her to feel loved enough to be able to adhere to boundaries
HIs role is to look out for his OWN health. More so than hers.
It's the 51%. Allowing himself to be sucked dry is not healthy.
Why should she respect his boundaries? What is the incentive?
Her current pattern seems to be for her to have tantrum. That gets him to do her bidding to appease the volcano goddess. Way easier on her -- she off loads her emotions on to him as the emotional dumping ground. So she gets to feel better.
She doesn't have to exercise any self control (which is WORK). And she gets her way much faster with lots of attention. BPD supply.
When my BPDs tantrum, I am flat and boring. "I see you are upset. I am going to give you space. If you want me to call your counselor, I will. Otherwise I'm going to be at ____. You can call my cel when you are calm tomorrow/next week/whatever." And I leave.
Are you able to leave? Do you live in your own space?
When my BPDs do something "good" I put on
the big happy face and make a big happy fuss. It sounds silly, but that's what works here. Want my attention and big happy face? Then they know the behavior to do to earn it. I won't give negative attention. I am flat. Because mine crave the attention and don't care if it is positive or negative. I rather have positive behaviors. So the incentive is to do more of those.
I don't know if that helps you any.
Hang in there!
Galagirl