Protecting my meta

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DoraTheExplora

New member
I get on really well with my meta, who my partner lives with. In the course of a conversation, she has shared some things that are linked to both of our relationships that I would like to address with my partner, but I know that to do so would cause tension between them. Any advice to navigate the situation?
 
I just googled, what to do if someone tells you a secret, and here was some advice from our friend AI. Telling this secret could also damage the trust between you and meta, not just cause tension between meta and your partner.

3. Maintain Confidentiality:
  • Understand the importance of discretion; keeping the secret private is important to honor the trust placed in you.
  • Avoid sharing the secret with others, resisting the urge to gossip or talk about it with anyone else.
  • Be aware of potential consequences, as breaking confidentiality can damage or destroy the relationship.
4. Consider the Nature of the Secret:
  • Assess the seriousness of the secret; if it involves potential harm to themselves or others, or if a crime has been committed, professional help or reporting to authorities may be necessary.
  • Be aware of potential ethical dilemmas; keeping a secret might sometimes conflict with other values or principles, so consider the potential consequences of keeping or revealing it.
5. Set Boundaries and Manage Expectations:
  • If unable to keep the secret, honesty is key; communicate respectfully to the person who confided if you feel unable to keep the secret or if it makes you uncomfortable.
  • Understand their expectations, and ask how long they need the secret kept and if they are comfortable with sharing it with others.
  • Remember your own well-being; if keeping the secret causes undue stress, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor.
 
DoraTheExplora said:
I get on really well with my meta, who my partner lives with. In the course of a conversation, she has shared some things that are linked to both of our relationships that I would like to address with my partner, but I know that to do so would cause tension between them. Any advice to navigate the situation?
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Can you give us a little bit more detail?
 
I get on really well with my meta, who my partner lives with. In the course of a conversation, she has shared some things that are linked to both of our relationships that I would like to address with my partner, but I know that to do so would cause tension between them. Any advice to navigate the situation?
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What is your hinge actually doing? Can you give more detail about the bothersome behavior?

If this is something your hinge does in both relationships, why do you have to bring up (Meta + Hinge) up at all? You could just deal with it on your side of the V.

Say it's something low level, like Hinge comes over and just dumps their shoes all over the place. You don't like it because it's a tripping hazard. So you bring it up yourself. "Hinge, would you please be willing to stop leaving your shoes all over the place? It's a tripping hazard for me. What's your organization style? Can I get you a basket by the door? A shoe rack thing? Make space in the entry closet for your shoes? I want both of us to feel comfortable here."

You don't have to bring up that you talked to Meta, and she said Hinge leaves their shoes all over the place there, too. How they run their household on the other side of the V is not your business. You don't have to get involved in that.

Galagirl
 
Thanks, all. It's a few things, but not things I would have known without having spoken to her, so even if I don't say we have talked, it will be clear we have.

Specifically, he is:

Asking for help wording messages to me, which a) is making Meta feel uncomfortable (she has addressed this directly) and b) means the relationship we are building is less authentic because they are her words, not his.

Not being as considerate as needed to her needs (again, she has brought this up directly), but ultimately means he is prioritising me over her and his family, in a way I would never want him to do, and making her sad, which in turn makes me sad when I find out.

Voicing opinions about Meta's other potential play (to her, but she was explaining to me, so now I know those opinions, even though they haven't been said to me directly).

These are big red flags to me in terms of competition, and also trigger my own insecurities.
 
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Hi Dora,

You need to address the things with your partner very delicately, you do not want to cause tension with your meta. Tell your partner you do not want to upset your meta, and to keep things private.

Tell your partner you are not comfortable with him funneling messages to you through your meta. That you want your relationship with him to be more authentic than that. Also ask him if he is prioritizing you over her, that it makes you sad if he is. Anyway those are a few of the things you should say. Just make sure he is not going to turn on your meta for telling you those things.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Meta can say her own "no" to helping him with wording for messages to you.

You can evaluate his character based on time spent in person, not on texts.

They can have their own poly-hell conversations. She's trying to enlist your help for a problem that isn't actually yours.

Again, his opinions over her play partners are their business to work out. If he does the same towards you and your other play partners then you manage that with him separately.

You see her telling you all this as getting on well, but my outsider view is that she's confiding in you in a way that is detrimental to your relationship with the hinge. You aren't their therapist, so stop letting her vent on you like one.
 
Thank you for more info. I don't know if this helps you any. But I think this.

I don't get why you think you are "get along well" with your Meta, when she oversteps boundaries like this. It doesn't sound respectful of you.

Asking for help wording messages to me which a) is making meta feel uncomfortable (she has addressed this directly) and b) means the relationship we are building is less authentic, because they are her words not his.
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It's on her to tell him "No, thanks. I won't be helping you word messages to other partners." Her inability to hold a boundary in the past is not your problem. Her addressing this directly now is still not your problem. Why did you even have to know about it? What was the purpose of oversharing this data?

It's on you to tell her, "No, thanks. Please don't overshare problems inside the (you + Hinge) dyad with me. I cannot be impartial. I'm inside the dating system. In future, I suggest you tell him that you will not help him do X."

On your side, you get to tell Hinge, "Meta made me aware that she helps you word messages to me and brought it up to you. I have no idea why she told me this stuff. I've told her to stop oversharing things from that side of the V with me. As for the messages, I expect you write them yourself. I'm dating you, not her. If you need help, you could use Google, ChatGPT, or trusted friends outside the dating system, not people inside the dating system."

Not being as considerate as needed to her needs (again she has brought up directly) ultimately means he is prioritising me over her and his family in a way I would never want him to do, and making her sad, which in turn makes me sad when I find out.
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She doesn't like him asking her to do HIS message composition work to you. Now she wants YOU to do HER conflict resolution with him? Those two having weird personal boundaries is not your problem to fix or solve. Them having weird personal boundaries doesn't mean YOU have to have weird personal boundaries. Nip all this in the bud.

The one bringing you unwanted data and feelings of sadness is her.

I think you can ignore this one. Him not paying her enough attention is not your behavior to fix. The Hinge is in charge of his time and calendar. He can learn how to hinge and figure out how to balance time with each partner.

If she brings it up to you again, that's where you get to say "No, thank you. I'd prefer you solve (you + Hinge) problems directly with Hinge, not involve me or overshare. It is not appropriate behavior."

Voicing opinions about Meta's other potential play (to her, but she was explaining to me, so now I know those opinions, even though they haven't been said to me directly). These are big red flags to me, in terms of competition, and also trigger my own insecurities.
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Meta not liking Hinge's opinions about Meta's other potentials... why on earth would you have to care or get involved in all that? Why did she have to "explain" them to you? Why do you even have to know? What is the purpose of telling you all that?

Again, this is where you get to self-advocate and tell Meta to STOP oversharing.

If this Meta is oversharing (Meta) stuff or (Meta + Hinge) stuff with you, treating you like a confessor, free therapist or emotional dumpster, and you don't like it you say "No, thank you. I'm not up for this kind of talk. It's not my business. Stop oversharing. Please respect my limit."

If she keeps doing it, you ask her why she doesn't respect your limits, and/or go parallel. There is nothing wrong with separate, parallel poly. You aren't dating her. You don't have to be friendly with people who don't respect your limits, your time, or your energy. You can stop chatting/hanging out with her. Put some distance in there.

And if that's still not enough separation, you dump him so she's not your meta any more.

YOU get to decide how close you want to be with people. YOU get to decide what is and is not acceptable behavior towards you. YOU get to decide what you will and will not tolerate from people.

Galagirl
 
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If you need to talk out something from a private conversation with a third person, ask for permission to share what you learned in the private conversation. You can agree with Meta whether it's better to talk about stuff on your own with the Hinge, or whether to have a three-way conversation that might help clear the air.

If meta doesn't agree with you sharing stuff from private conversations, but it's bothering you too much, you can still at least give her a heads-up that you will be breaking privacy. That may mean a breach of trust, but there are limits to what you can keep secret from your shared partner.

If she told you stuff from their relationship that is now bothering you, you could ask her not to tell you their problems next time.

If she told you things about him that are relationship red flags to you, you should certainly bring them up and not be placated by easy answers. His bad habits will certainly happen in your relationship, too.
 
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Thank you. This is essentially what I have done. I asked her how she would feel about me bringing particular things up with him, and we have discussed what is and isn't okay, so that feels like a good way forward for now.
 
Very good, clear advice in all the other posts. I just want to ask you this: What do you mean by good relationship with your meta? Do you feel like you are becoming good friends? Do you like hanging out? Do any of you perhaps have feelings for the other? From a V-poly sense, disclosing things the way she did is a complicated situation and creates a lot of difficulties. But, if meta feels that you are like a close friend whom she can confide in, then your relationship (the V) might have yet another aspect. Meta complained to you. Perhaps she wants a closer bond through this? Or thinks you already have that?
 
My first impulse was to think it's great that you have this kind of relationship with your meta. Yet after thinking a bit I see why GalaGirl thinks that Meta could have dealt with these issues herself. If I leave the romantic relationship out of it and imagine it's a story about my mum, my sister and me, I suppose I shouldn't be told about the advice given while writing texts (the other person should either not give such advice, or keep the fact secret from me), but I'd like to know if time or money spent with me had significant negative consequences for other people, especially if that includes kids.

I wonder how much NRE is there between Hinge and you and how experienced are they as a hinge. When there was NRE between myself and Fasaani, he's certainly been guilty of not being considerate enough of Hiiri's needs, and I also cared about her well-being much more than I do now (the latter is because I'd have liked to be much more kitchen-table poly but she has insisted we stay closer to the garden-party level of friendship).
 
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