Quad…I feel indifferent to my husband.

Jinglebells3675

New member
Good afternoon…

It is my second time posting on this group after a rambling first post at a moment of need. So please allow me to introduce myself again.

My name is J, I am married to my husband A, we have been pretty happily married for 12 years. Swinging for 7 years. We were part of a triad with another female for 6 months a couple of years ago. Now, through swinging, we stumbled into a quad type set up 4 months ago.

We are in a closed scenario now, no swinging. With P (Male) & L (female) who have been married for 25 years. I have a close loving relationship with P (team 1) and A and L are very much in love with each other (team 2). We often share a common space, as in we spend most weekends as a 4 (plus children and dogs!). We separate and go our own directions at bed time. There is no longer any mixing on that front. So I think I have set the scene.

I struggled with some jealousy issues which we have slowly started to work through. Generally centring around sex insecurities, I know I also have a tendency to make comparisons between myself and L and how loving and affectionate A is toward L and the fact the sex is better (there have been some impotency issues between myself and A but not between A and L. This makes me so sad). I see how they are with each other, close, intimate, generally having a fabulous time, as we are in the same space I can’t avoid seeing the affectionate relationship they share. It’s no different than what I am doing with P. I know this logically but it still hurts to watch.

I feel I was so happy before we got into this scenario.secure, loved, generally in an amazing relationship but now I am really not and I don’t know to start fixing it.

I think circumstances make things hard, I am often away from home 3nights a week due to work, we spend 2, sometimes 3 nights over the weekend with P & L. That leaves me and A just 2 nights a week to reconnect, I am often tired and not my best on those days as I work nights and it ends up feeling like a high pressured situation. So little time to reconnect, have sex before we spend more time with our secondaries. It not ideal and I know this yet it’s hard to choose to spend time with A over P & L.

The time we do spend together has been fraught with arguments and the last 16 weeks have been the hardest of our marriage. There has been a huge amount of hurt on both sides. I know we should be prioritising each other. Neither of us are inclined to do so in the sense that we are both having a great time with P and L.

I don’t feel close to A, I would almost go as far to say that I feel cold towards him. I don’t really want to spend time with him. He hasn’t done anything wrong except love want someone else. Which again, is no different than I am doing. He tries to love me but I feel like I can’t accept it or that I am just being fake if I do.

I get hung up on stupid stuff. Like how
Many times he has had sex or that A has shared a bath with L, that he buys her gifts…the lost goes on. I don’t want to be in this miserable lonely place but how do I drag myself out? He is doing no different than I am.

I feel like my marriage is falling apart, love and happiness has gone and I can do nothing to fix it. I can’t end the quad, I am in love and so is A. But I feel it is/has ripping us apart. We both get a lot from P and L and it is our only slither of happiness/closeness right now. Both of us are reluctant to give it up, neither of us can veto it as we both know the implications it may have. Although I am not sure that’s the solution anyway.

I want my life back from 4 months ago…I want to feel happy and loved, excited to see A and spend time with him, I just don’t right now.

I think maybe this isn’t the life I want but I am in too deep to get out now. I am not sure I have the capacity to let A love someone else the way he does. I am not really sure what I am asking…how I can accept A loving someone else and not feel the need to shut him out. Or maybe it’s me that doesn’t have the capacity to love two people. He is understandably frustrated. We have talked a lot but get no where.

We have a child free weekend this weekend. I know we should spend it together but neither of us want to miss out on seeing P&L (which is pretty much a guaranteed good time, whereas with each other, it might be ok, might be a disaster).

Apologies for the lengthy post!
 
Last edited:
I'm sorry you struggle. :(

I hope you feel better for airing out some.

I might guess wrong here.... It kinda sounds like both of you are cranked up with NRE for the new partners and neglecting your connection at home to each other.

Sort of like a double poly hell?


Is that true?

I noticed you mentioned it several times like "Why am I upset? It’s no different than what I am doing with P. "

Well... BOTH of you neglecting the marriage all besotted in NRE doesn't make it ok to neglect the marriage.

You seem to see this is not a balanced schedule. You and A need time as a couple. So do P & L.

You already HAD your NRE time with A. It's not like you didn't get it all. It was at the start of the relationship. Just like A+L are having it now and you+P are having it now.

It sounds like you struggling to maintain Old Relationship Energy (ORE) or Established Relationship Energy (ERE) with spouse. Refreshing it rather than taking each other for granted. Or like being in a rut. Is that true?

You were happy 4 mos ago. You might be grieving the loss of the "old normal" even while enjoying the "new NRE"

Eventually these NRE relationships will calm down and settle into the "new normal." It's just not here yet. This pace is not sustainable. I'm also not sure why y'all have to be in the same house every time.

Is it that you don't know how to do complex weekend schedule?

If right now every weekend is a group hang at one of the houses? You don't get enough time with spouse and you keep having to see his PDA with L.

With a more balanced schedule? Say something like...
  • 1st weekend -- Stay home with your spouse both days. You might share some of that time with friends and family and bring spouse along. Or not.
  • 2nd weekend -- Trade houses. You stay at home base 2 days. Spouse goes to L at her house 2 days. You might share some of that time with friends and family and bring P along. Or not.
  • 3rd Weekend -- Stay home with spouse one day. Date with partner the other day. Break from family and friends.
  • 4th weekend. -- Trade Houses. Spouse stays at home base. You go see P at his house.
  • You might share some of that time with friends and family and bring P along. Or not.
  • Odd 5th Weekend -- Group hang all together in one house. It can take turns which house it is.
You get more date time with just spouse rather than roomie/chore time.

Y'all also need time to be alone, with friends, and with family.

You only have to deal with watching (A+L) PDA on the odd 5th weekend.

Now you might all talk and come up with a different rotation to try out for a semester that feels fair as you all learn to be hinges.

But could STOP with all this togetherness every weekend in the same house. Why is it needed? Esp if it causes you stress watching all the PDA? Is this leftover from swinging?

I encourage you to think about what you need more of. Rather than "What is L getting."

how I can accept A loving someone else and not feel the need to shut him out.

He tries to love me but I feel like I can’t accept it or that I am just being fake if I do.

It sounds like A tries with you and you shut him out.

If your desire is connection with A, when you behave like this... does that ADD to the connection goal or TAKE AWAY from the connection goal?

Are you seeing a poly counselor to help you in this transition and help you with grief?

Do you even recognize parts of this as "grieving the loss of the old marriage and old normal?" Or didn't realize you are partly grieving? Do you need to hear A say that he also feels the change and the loss of the old normal? And he's not all latidah with the new L?

Perhaps a visual aid helps you. Everyone is different of course in how they cope with changes and how they navigate the stages of emotional change.

. But notice how you are 4 mos into this new change and what are you experiencing? The drop into blah.

Uncertainly, confusions, loss of confidence, etc. It is NORMAL to feel how you feel.



What you do next about it? That's up to you all.

I suggest you test out and experiment with a more balance schedule to start. (You and A) and then (P & L) need time alone too.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
hi again jinglebells,

My first question is has your indifference / feeling cold toward you husband been the start of your 16 weeks of discord or the spiraling result of 16 weeks of faking which caused the discord ?

2) Other than picking up indirect clues of your indifference / coldness have you told your husband directly you feel this way And that it’s concerning ?

3). Does your husband share the same concerns for the marriage or relationship or is he too deep/ drunk in NRE to care much ?

You mentioned not knowing how to fix this. IMO at his isn’t something you’re going to be able to fix solo on your end.
And then 1 person leads to both people faking it to get the participation trophy.

MAYBE take a break from scheduled forced bonding / intimacy don’t do stuff together especially sexual stuff unless you actually both want to. Maybe taking it off the table changes peoples attitude.
 
Hi Jinglebells3675,

It sounds like you may need to rethink your quad relationship with P and L. You were so happy before this quad, is it really worth having the quad at the cost of your feelings for A? Another question I have is, do you and A have regular scheduled dates with each other, dates where the two of you escape the humdrum of life, and just focus on each other? Maybe that would be the solution.

You seem to have a pretty serious issue with A in the sexual area, and you do not like how close A is with L, or at least you do not like to see that closeness. What can be done to remove L from your field of view? What about your work situation, three nights/week, is that permanent or can it change sometime in the near future?

It seems that P and L are a distraction to fixing your marriage, yet you are unable to break up with P and L. Honestly, I don't know what to suggest if you can't do that. At the very least you need to separate things so that you aren't sharing so much common space with P and L. So that you and P are dating privately, and A and L are likewise dating privately.

Hopefully this thread so far helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hey there!

I read your post about your current situation and I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you. It takes a lot of courage to open up about such personal matters, so thank you for trusting us with your story.

It sounds like you and your husband have been through a lot of changes and challenges over the past few years. From swinging to a triad to a quad, it's understandable that jealousy and insecurity would arise. You mentioned that you're struggling with comparing yourself to your husband's other partner, and that's a really tough place to be in. It's important to remember that everyone has their own unique qualities and that comparisons can be detrimental to our own self-esteem.

It's also understandable that you would feel disconnected from your husband if you're spending most of your time with your secondary partners. You mentioned that you have a child-free weekend coming up and that you and your husband should spend it together, but you're hesitant to miss out on seeing your secondary partners. It's important to prioritize your marriage and make time for each other, especially if you feel like you're drifting apart. Maybe you can plan a special date night or weekend getaway just for the two of you.

It's clear that you and your husband both care for your secondary partners, but it's important to remember that your primary relationship should come first. If you're feeling like your marriage is falling apart, it might be time to reassess your current situation and have an honest conversation with your husband about how you're feeling. It's possible that he's feeling the same way but hasn't been able to articulate it.

I want you to know that you're not alone and that there are resources available to help you navigate these complex feelings. It might be helpful to seek out a therapist or counselor who specializes in non-monogamous relationships. They can provide you with tools and strategies for managing jealousy and insecurity, as well as help you communicate more effectively with your husband.

Again, thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm here to support you and I hope you find the help and guidance you need to find happiness and fulfillment in your relationships.

Take care.
 
If you're not excited about spending time together and do everything you can to avoid it, it's likely that this relationship has lost its viability.

I don't think it's worth killing what are sources of happiness just to keep your "primary" relationship intact. Not all of us poly people think in terms of primary/secondary and there is no rule that you must prioritize established or longer term relationships over newer ones. Despite what @Kinkslayer said in the post above. But someone new and inexperienced with polyamory and ENM might think that to be the case.
 
I could be wrong, but it sounds like you and Abe (I prefer nicknames over initials) have been struggling sexually for longer than four months. You tried swinging for quite a few years, then a triad, and now are involved in an unbalanced quad. You avoid Abe, and he is not able to get or maintain erections with you. What's up with that? Have swinging and various other non-mono arrangements been used a band-aids to allow you and Abe to continue in your "married with kids" arrangement, while your emotional connection and sexual desire for each other are long gone? Have you two ever had counseling around this? Do you two even ever talk about it with each other?

And now you see Abe maybe only one or two days a week, as you work a lot (during the night) and then you both spend two-three days a week with your other lovers! Of course your intimacy with Abe has lapsed.

I think GalaGirl's advice was fantastic and recommend you look into every link and idea she suggested.
 
I could be wrong, but it sounds like you and Abe (I prefer nicknames over initials) have been struggling sexually for longer than four months. You tried swinging for quite a few years, then a triad, and now are involved in an unbalanced quad. You avoid Abe, and he is not able to get or maintain erections with you. What's up with that? Have swinging and various other non-mono arrangements been used a band-aids to allow you and Abe to continue in your "married with kids" arrangement, while your emotional connection and sexual desire for each other are long gone? Have you two ever had counseling around this? Do you two even ever talk about it with each other?

And now you see Abe maybe only one or two days a week, as you work a lot (during the night) and then you both spend two-three days a week with your other lovers! Of course your intimacy with Abe has lapsed.

I think GalaGirl's advice was fantastic and recommend you look into every link and idea she suggested.
I’d agree with this and further add looking into the origins of who or why you decide to swing or open your marriage. The initial bandaid may have been place way back then.
 
Thank you so much all for your replies. There have been some absolutely amazing responses.

So we sat down and had a long chat about everything. There were many tears and a brutal level of honesty.

We are looking at the scheduling, the point about not needing to be privy to the PDA between L&A all the time was a very valid one. Primarily, circumstances have led to this but we are going to try and limit the amount of time spent as a 4 for now. I think this could be very beneficial. We both have very separate things going on and we really don’t need to be in each other’s pockets.

We have also factored in some time that is just myself and A once a week, where the focus is on each other with no outside distractions. Having fun together and enjoying each other’s company.

We have also talked a lot about little triggers that often end up escalating into bigger problems. Such as changing bed sheets, texting from bed, reading messages mid conversation etc. We are both committed to being more tolerant, pointing out mistakes and moving on. We both want this too work out and that desire gives me hope.

I feel in a much better place with things. Talking everything through and explaining what upsets me and what I need to be change, has helped hugely. We spent half the weekend together this weekend and half separately with our secondaries. We came back together and things felt so much better than when we are all together as a 4.

I don’t claim we have fixed it all, but I feel we have made some really positive steps to address the issues.

Sexually is a little more complicated. We are naturally opposite ends of the spectrum sexually and always have been (that said, when we are on form we are amazing together). A is a very sensual lover and attaches far more emotions to sex than myself. I have a love for sex and all things kink. This is an area that needs some work from both of us.

A has felt there is a huge amount of pressure on sex as we have such limited time together and he has to preform. It also upsets him that he feels I use him for sex rather than making love to him. This is something we are going to try and take the pressure off for a month. Relax, see what happens when there is no pressure or expectation and revisit it in a months time if things aren’t improving.

I am not claiming everything thing is hunky Dory but we are going the right direction and we definitely have the desire to be close and have our relationship back on track. I know I have hang ups I need to let go of and I am trying very hard to be happy that A is happy and love him on my time. He is very responsive and loving if I let him in.

It’s a hard situation all around and there is definitely a feeling of loss from my side. I hope Ultimately we are in a better position. The polyhell arrival was exactly spot on.

One thing we don’t really know how to tackle are the sexual marks. Neither of us want rules or restrictions in this sense but it can definitely be triggering to see A marked by his other lover. I am guessing this is just something that I need to accept.
 
So we sat down and had a long chat about everything. There were many tears and a brutal level of honesty.
Good for you two for leaning into the issues and not just avoiding! That's the best way forward. Polyamory requires great communication.
The point about not needing to be privy to the PDA between L&A all the time was a very valid one. We are going to try and limit the amount of time spent as a 4 for now. I think this could be very beneficial.

We have also factored in some time that is just for A and me once a week, to focus on each other with no outside distractions, have fun and enjoy each other’s company.
Great. In every poly network, each dyad needs its own time to nourish it and allow it to grow!
We have also talked a lot about little triggers that often end up escalating into bigger problems, such as changing bed sheets, texting from bed, reading messages mid-conversation etc.
That's great. When the quantity of our time is limited, the quality really matters!
I feel in a much better place with things. Talking everything through, explaining what upsets me and what I need to change has helped hugely. We spent half of this weekend together and half separately with our secondaries. When we came back together things felt so much better than when we were all together as 4.
That's awesome.
Sexually it is a little more complicated. We are naturally at opposite ends of the spectrum sexually and always have been. (That said, when we are on form we are amazing together.) A is a very sensual lover and attaches far more emotions to sex than I do. I have a love for sex and all things kink. This is an area that needs some work from both of us.

A has felt there is a huge amount of pressure on sex, as we have such limited time together and he has to perform. It also upsets him that he feels I use him for sex rather than making love to him. This is something we are going to try and take the pressure off for a month. Relax, see what happens when there is no pressure or expectation and revisit it in a month's time if things aren’t improving.
I am glad you discussed where the disconnect is and how to remedy it. Many people find that taking the sexual activity focus off of a hard penis helps. There is a lot you can do with fingers, mouths and kink activities, where the state of the penis is irrelevant. That said, taking the pressure to "perform" off may well cause a harder cock as a result!
I am not claiming everything thing is hunky-dory, but we are going the right direction. We definitely have the desire to be close and get our relationship back on track. I know I have hang-ups I need to let go of. I am trying very hard to be happy that A is happy and love him on my time. He is very responsive and loving if I let him in.

It’s a hard situation all around. There is definitely a feeling of loss from my side. I hope ultimately we are in a better position. The poly hell arrival was exactly spot on.
It's only 4 months into this poly configuration for you guys. You've hit some speed bumps, but they are not road blocks.
One thing we don’t really know how to tackle are sexual marks. Neither of us want rules or restrictions in this sense, but it can definitely be triggering to see A marked by his other lover. I am guessing this is just something that I need to accept.
Some people do request their partner not to come home with marks, but that's a tough ask. Sometimes they happen accidentally. And since you're kinky, you probably know that many kinksters cause marks/bruises intentionally and enjoy the "souvenirs."

I tend to think of those marks as bruises a partner might have gotten from playing a sport or going hiking and getting a blister. It's just part of what can happen. Ordinarily they never bother me.

But I once had a partner whom I had marked with one small hickey on his chest during lovemaking. This was not a healthy poly relationship, because the next time he came back to me, his new gf had marked him right there there, with 6 hickeys all around his nipple, to one-up me! And then we went to a garden party the next day; it was my first time meeting his gf and her husband. There was a pool there, but only children were swimming in it, because it was a cool day. My partner stripped off his shirt in the middle of the lawn, exposing those hickeys to the entire party, and jumped in the pool to follow his gf and her husband who'd just gotten in. I was embarrassed, since no one there knew we were poly and probably assumed I'd given him all those hickeys. I don't think a 60-something year old man should be flaunting 6 hickeys in public, especially not in a backyard pool with children in it. The other couple were making out in the pool. My bf later said he'd wished I'd joined them so we could make out too. (I broke up with this guy soon after this incident. Ugh!)

Anyway, lol, sorry for the vent. Carry on. You're doing great.
 
Hi Jinglebells,

It's very encouraging to hear about your recent progress, you are really taking some steps that are going to help your relationship with A (and probably with L and P as well). You still have more obstacles to overcome, but I am hopeful that you will be able to tackle them a little at a time. Keep us posted!

Sincere regards,
Kevin T.
 
if anyone has any tips on how to manage the constant messaging too, that would be really helpful.

A&L start at 7am and it doesn’t stop until midnight. I don’t want to unnecessarily restrict him but I feel it is driving me a little insane.

What boundaries do other people have. What are reasonable expectations?

I have asked he puts his phone down at 10pm the nights we are together but I feel I need to take it a little further. It’s a constant distraction and really annoying and definitely something that triggers me.

Trying to be reasonable, restrict as little as possible but equally I know we need some rules around this.
 
Guessing because I don't know your living arrangements or floorplan.

Set your time boundaries and enforce it.

I tell people not to call me unless it's between 10 AM and 9 PM. Past that? It goes to voicemail. So leave a message if emergency. I screen calls. Otherwise, I will deal with it tomorrow. I am still awake, but I need to be doing my get ready for sleep things and my "me time."

On your phone? You can set it on "do not disturb" during the sleep window and what can come thru anyway. So get your phone settings sorted. Then whatever texting people do to your phone? You deal with it when YOU are ready to deal with it.

On his phone? That you hear because you are there? You could ask him to put it on vibrate so you don't have to hear beeps and boops if it is going past bed time. And he still gets notifications because it vibrates in his pants pocket. He doesn't have to have the same bed time as you.

Ask for no phones in a shared bed/shared bedroom. Same goes for you. If you are trying to sleep and he's texting? He can do it in another room. If he is trying to sleep and you are texting? You can do it in another room.

Otherwise, have separate bedrooms. Then you each have a space to retreat and not deal in it or have privacy for it.

Common areas? Any roomie can use those. If he wants to use the kitchen or living room and text in there? He can do that. If you need to use the space to cook a meal or watch TV, you can ask him if he's willing to move to another room because you'd like to cook or catch your show. You work that out like you would with any other regular ol' roomie.
 
Last edited:
I think you said your husband has had this gf for four months. They are still in NRE. Oddly, I am finding more and more people who seem to boast about a new partner thus: "We text all day, every day." They seem to think this is a good thing, something to be proud of, something that proves how much they love, how much they are loved.

My take? "Geez, don't you guys have lives?? Don't you have friends, families, housework and home and car maintenance to do, jobs, school, kids, yard work, shopping to do? Don't you exercise, don't you shower and do other grooming activities?" And of course, they do need to sleep 6-8 hours at night. They aren't texting while sleeping. So this common phrase "all day every day" isn't even accurate. It's just a boast.

I don't think it's healthy to text your lover "all day every day." And in polyamory, I don't care if you're in NRE and have obsessive thoughts about a new partner. Don't be rude! You're poly for a reason. Both or all of your partners are important and deserve respect. You don't get a pass just because you happen to have a new and shiny partner.

I feel like my nesting partner and I were just raised to have some freeking manners, because neither of us would have dreamed of texting a new partner "all day every day" and pretty much neglect each other. I admit, I am a more mature person in age. My partner is 20 years younger than me, but neither of us are millennials or younger. But shouldn't there be normal etiquette rules when it comes to how you treat people other than your newest partner?

My bf and I have only been together 18 months, but I don't subject my nesting partner to this kind of rude behavior. And my bf doesn't have another gf, but he does have several good friends and a couple of brothers he's close with, and he doesn't neglect them just because he's crazy about me. I see him for 48 hours every week and when we are together we barely spend any time on our phones. I see my gf 4 days a week. We both do communicate with our boyfriends throughout the week, naturally, but we limit that time, since we get to see the bfs in in person soon enough. Is there really that much to say to the other person that you have to totally impinge on the times you are literally in the same space with the other loved one?

tl:dr: Sit down and have a talk about how much time is OK to spend on the phone. Let your husband know you feel neglected. See if you can come up with some sort of schedule for phone time, whether it's texting or phone/video calls.
 
Hey jinglebells any positive news with your situation ?
Thank you for asking. I got some really great pointers that have helped massively.

Things have definitely improved between myself and my husband. We have talked a lot and made sure we are investing time in each other. We have mostly split the 4 at the weekends, so we do seperate things with our secondaries. This has made a huge difference to me.

It’s not perfect but we are working through things
 
Hi Jinglebells,
It sounds like things have improved even more. That's good to hear. Carry on!
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Back
Top