Jinglebells3675
New member
Good afternoon…
It is my second time posting on this group after a rambling first post at a moment of need. So please allow me to introduce myself again.
My name is J, I am married to my husband A, we have been pretty happily married for 12 years. Swinging for 7 years. We were part of a triad with another female for 6 months a couple of years ago. Now, through swinging, we stumbled into a quad type set up 4 months ago.
We are in a closed scenario now, no swinging. With P (Male) & L (female) who have been married for 25 years. I have a close loving relationship with P (team 1) and A and L are very much in love with each other (team 2). We often share a common space, as in we spend most weekends as a 4 (plus children and dogs!). We separate and go our own directions at bed time. There is no longer any mixing on that front. So I think I have set the scene.
I struggled with some jealousy issues which we have slowly started to work through. Generally centring around sex insecurities, I know I also have a tendency to make comparisons between myself and L and how loving and affectionate A is toward L and the fact the sex is better (there have been some impotency issues between myself and A but not between A and L. This makes me so sad). I see how they are with each other, close, intimate, generally having a fabulous time, as we are in the same space I can’t avoid seeing the affectionate relationship they share. It’s no different than what I am doing with P. I know this logically but it still hurts to watch.
I feel I was so happy before we got into this scenario.secure, loved, generally in an amazing relationship but now I am really not and I don’t know to start fixing it.
I think circumstances make things hard, I am often away from home 3nights a week due to work, we spend 2, sometimes 3 nights over the weekend with P & L. That leaves me and A just 2 nights a week to reconnect, I am often tired and not my best on those days as I work nights and it ends up feeling like a high pressured situation. So little time to reconnect, have sex before we spend more time with our secondaries. It not ideal and I know this yet it’s hard to choose to spend time with A over P & L.
The time we do spend together has been fraught with arguments and the last 16 weeks have been the hardest of our marriage. There has been a huge amount of hurt on both sides. I know we should be prioritising each other. Neither of us are inclined to do so in the sense that we are both having a great time with P and L.
I don’t feel close to A, I would almost go as far to say that I feel cold towards him. I don’t really want to spend time with him. He hasn’t done anything wrong except love want someone else. Which again, is no different than I am doing. He tries to love me but I feel like I can’t accept it or that I am just being fake if I do.
I get hung up on stupid stuff. Like how
Many times he has had sex or that A has shared a bath with L, that he buys her gifts…the lost goes on. I don’t want to be in this miserable lonely place but how do I drag myself out? He is doing no different than I am.
I feel like my marriage is falling apart, love and happiness has gone and I can do nothing to fix it. I can’t end the quad, I am in love and so is A. But I feel it is/has ripping us apart. We both get a lot from P and L and it is our only slither of happiness/closeness right now. Both of us are reluctant to give it up, neither of us can veto it as we both know the implications it may have. Although I am not sure that’s the solution anyway.
I want my life back from 4 months ago…I want to feel happy and loved, excited to see A and spend time with him, I just don’t right now.
I think maybe this isn’t the life I want but I am in too deep to get out now. I am not sure I have the capacity to let A love someone else the way he does. I am not really sure what I am asking…how I can accept A loving someone else and not feel the need to shut him out. Or maybe it’s me that doesn’t have the capacity to love two people. He is understandably frustrated. We have talked a lot but get no where.
We have a child free weekend this weekend. I know we should spend it together but neither of us want to miss out on seeing P&L (which is pretty much a guaranteed good time, whereas with each other, it might be ok, might be a disaster).
Apologies for the lengthy post!
It is my second time posting on this group after a rambling first post at a moment of need. So please allow me to introduce myself again.
My name is J, I am married to my husband A, we have been pretty happily married for 12 years. Swinging for 7 years. We were part of a triad with another female for 6 months a couple of years ago. Now, through swinging, we stumbled into a quad type set up 4 months ago.
We are in a closed scenario now, no swinging. With P (Male) & L (female) who have been married for 25 years. I have a close loving relationship with P (team 1) and A and L are very much in love with each other (team 2). We often share a common space, as in we spend most weekends as a 4 (plus children and dogs!). We separate and go our own directions at bed time. There is no longer any mixing on that front. So I think I have set the scene.
I struggled with some jealousy issues which we have slowly started to work through. Generally centring around sex insecurities, I know I also have a tendency to make comparisons between myself and L and how loving and affectionate A is toward L and the fact the sex is better (there have been some impotency issues between myself and A but not between A and L. This makes me so sad). I see how they are with each other, close, intimate, generally having a fabulous time, as we are in the same space I can’t avoid seeing the affectionate relationship they share. It’s no different than what I am doing with P. I know this logically but it still hurts to watch.
I feel I was so happy before we got into this scenario.secure, loved, generally in an amazing relationship but now I am really not and I don’t know to start fixing it.
I think circumstances make things hard, I am often away from home 3nights a week due to work, we spend 2, sometimes 3 nights over the weekend with P & L. That leaves me and A just 2 nights a week to reconnect, I am often tired and not my best on those days as I work nights and it ends up feeling like a high pressured situation. So little time to reconnect, have sex before we spend more time with our secondaries. It not ideal and I know this yet it’s hard to choose to spend time with A over P & L.
The time we do spend together has been fraught with arguments and the last 16 weeks have been the hardest of our marriage. There has been a huge amount of hurt on both sides. I know we should be prioritising each other. Neither of us are inclined to do so in the sense that we are both having a great time with P and L.
I don’t feel close to A, I would almost go as far to say that I feel cold towards him. I don’t really want to spend time with him. He hasn’t done anything wrong except love want someone else. Which again, is no different than I am doing. He tries to love me but I feel like I can’t accept it or that I am just being fake if I do.
I get hung up on stupid stuff. Like how
Many times he has had sex or that A has shared a bath with L, that he buys her gifts…the lost goes on. I don’t want to be in this miserable lonely place but how do I drag myself out? He is doing no different than I am.
I feel like my marriage is falling apart, love and happiness has gone and I can do nothing to fix it. I can’t end the quad, I am in love and so is A. But I feel it is/has ripping us apart. We both get a lot from P and L and it is our only slither of happiness/closeness right now. Both of us are reluctant to give it up, neither of us can veto it as we both know the implications it may have. Although I am not sure that’s the solution anyway.
I want my life back from 4 months ago…I want to feel happy and loved, excited to see A and spend time with him, I just don’t right now.
I think maybe this isn’t the life I want but I am in too deep to get out now. I am not sure I have the capacity to let A love someone else the way he does. I am not really sure what I am asking…how I can accept A loving someone else and not feel the need to shut him out. Or maybe it’s me that doesn’t have the capacity to love two people. He is understandably frustrated. We have talked a lot but get no where.
We have a child free weekend this weekend. I know we should spend it together but neither of us want to miss out on seeing P&L (which is pretty much a guaranteed good time, whereas with each other, it might be ok, might be a disaster).
Apologies for the lengthy post!
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