Question
- Thread starter Roxygirl
- Start date
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
It's probably closer to envy
It sounds like envy. To me, it is roughly like this:
Galagirl
- Jealousy -- protective/fearful/worried I have something someone else will take away from me
- Envy -- coveting/wanting something someone else has for myself.
Galagirl
Albert Ross
Member
SlowPoly
Active member
There might also be other things going on besides envy (or jealousy, if that’s proceeding from it). You might be feeling loneliness or fear of missing out. You might just be missing them when they’re out, and the nest (assuming nesting) is too quiet. You might be feeling negative feelings about yourself and your ability to develop other relationships.
I guess for me, if I thought “I’m feeling bad that Schmoo has 3 other partners, and I only have Schmoo,” I’d be digging for what “bad” means there, well before I’d be willing to accept the diagnosis of the “why.” I don’t actually require any kind of balance or parity. So what is the feeling, how and when do I feel it, and what is the story it’s quietly feeding me?
Sorry that I didn’t address the question, but I agree with other posters that you’ve described envy. I’m just not sure naming it that is an adequate “solution” to the problem a real person might have.
I guess for me, if I thought “I’m feeling bad that Schmoo has 3 other partners, and I only have Schmoo,” I’d be digging for what “bad” means there, well before I’d be willing to accept the diagnosis of the “why.” I don’t actually require any kind of balance or parity. So what is the feeling, how and when do I feel it, and what is the story it’s quietly feeding me?
Sorry that I didn’t address the question, but I agree with other posters that you’ve described envy. I’m just not sure naming it that is an adequate “solution” to the problem a real person might have.
Hi Roxygirl,
I don't know of any word that describes the specific situation of jealousy that you are in. Your situation definitely has precedence though, lots of people have felt jealous because their primary has partners while they don't have any. It is a hard situation to get through, I hope you find some partners soon.
Regards,
Kevin T.
I don't know of any word that describes the specific situation of jealousy that you are in. Your situation definitely has precedence though, lots of people have felt jealous because their primary has partners while they don't have any. It is a hard situation to get through, I hope you find some partners soon.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Well, I had a boyfriend and then my husband and his I guess Metamor or his partner caused some problems for me and it caused my boyfriend to leave me two days ago. because they couldn’t get their shit together which made it so I couldn’t get mine together I guess, then I had to fix a problem between both of his partners as individual ones and made their relationships All better right after he essentially ruined mine. And he admits that they’re a little bit at fault for the relationship being shut down.. which is good, but I lost the only partner I had.I really, really want to go dig up dictionary definitions because I'm almost certain jealousy and envy are synonymousbut...
...why are you asking, @Roxygirl? Are you experiencing a feeling of dissatisfied longing because your primary has partners but you currently don't? Will you tell us more?
Thanks Kevin you always seem to have good accurate answers for me. Still learning terms, so that’s why I asked if there was a specific thing for that..
Thank you, you’re right it’s not meant to solve the problem. I was just going to research so I could understand a little bit better and when I research it, it just shows Jealousy so I wanted to know if there was a legitimate term for it.
Could also be some anger/resentment then.
Maybe those are things to reflect on.
- Why was husband trying to shut down your other relationship?
- Are you good at personal boundaries?
- Why are/were you involved in fixing problems in husband's other relationships?
- Why do husband and meta have to have it together in order for you to have it together? They have a habit of leaking on to you?
You shouldn't be fixing your partner's problems with his other partners (your metamours). You can listen a bit, if he needs to vent. But don't take on his problems to the point you can't also have a good focus on your other relationship(s).
But in general, the reality of coupled polyamory is that there can be long periods where one's partner has another partner/partners, while one has no partners, or a series of failed short relationships. There is absolutely no guarantee that you'll both have other partners just because you are in a couple.
That's why it's odd when a person who is in a long term r'ship or married comes here and says they'll only go on a date with their OSO if their primary has a date too. And often, Person A will demand their partner (Person B) break up with their other partner (Person C) if the Person A loses their OSO (Person D).
That's not how it works.
But in general, the reality of coupled polyamory is that there can be long periods where one's partner has another partner/partners, while one has no partners, or a series of failed short relationships. There is absolutely no guarantee that you'll both have other partners just because you are in a couple.
That's why it's odd when a person who is in a long term r'ship or married comes here and says they'll only go on a date with their OSO if their primary has a date too. And often, Person A will demand their partner (Person B) break up with their other partner (Person C) if the Person A loses their OSO (Person D).
That's not how it works.