Questions to ask yourself before trying polyamory

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NewMan35

New member
Hi Everyone,

I am sure there are great examples out there, but I cannot find them. Thought I would ask here. When considering whether polyamory (and/or open marriage) is the right choice, what questions do you think people, specifically married couples, should ask themselves, both to be sure it is what you want and to explore the possible hardships and pitfalls?

I have a few below I have been knocking around:

Are you poly, or just lonely? Would friendship also meet that need?

What is missing from the monogamous relationship that you need from others?

Do you need this enough to risk ending your marriage?

Would you be okay if you were no longer the primary partner and your partner found someone else they loved more?

Would you be okay with your children doing what you are doing when they grow up?

If you could get everything you needed from a single partner, would you want to be poly?

Do you believe you can manage the resource-juggling of multiple partners, work, personal life and children?

Do you want the drama and pain that comes with new relationships?

Time being a zero sum game, would you be okay if your partner took 50% of their time away from you and your family to give it to another?

Are you okay with your partner spending money on dating another person?
 
Adding to your list:

Are you going through some sort of mid-life or validation crisis?

Are you trying to make up for lost youth if you married young, without other dating experiences?

Should you walk if your spouse says, "My body, my choice"?
 
Hi NewMan35,

You should ask yourself, can you be happy in an open/poly relationship, however even if your answer is yes, you may find out that the answer is no once you actually try it. The list of questions you provided is really good enough, it explores whether you could be happy in open/poly. I am thinking you would not be happy in open/poly, but I might be wrong.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Poly isn't about YOU being comfortable having more than one partner. It is about you being comfortable with YOUR PARTNER having more than one partner.

Are you okay with watching your partner have ANY kind of relationships with others? Hookups? Short-term flings? Vanilla Sex, group sex, kinks, deep emotional love and bonding? Loving someone more than you? (regardless of what they say they want).

Are you okay with your partner having relationships with someone of any gender identity, including trans individuals (regardless if they want to or not)?

Can you truly let your partner have full autonomy over their life and relationships?
 
If you were to divorce and divide all assets, would you still be interested in pursuing polyamory together?

Can you accept your husband/wife impregnating or becoming pregnant with another person?

Are you comfortable subjecting yourself to some level of sexual health risks?

Are you interested in significantly reducing the total number and variety of people in your dating pool? (Re: politics, race, geography)

Can you see yourself telling friends and family?
If no: Can you accept half of your life being in secret?
If yes: Can you accept a fundamental shift in the way people you care about perceive you?

Can you accept your partner experiencing: “insert personal insecurity here”?
Common examples: vacations, kink, age difference, cock-size difference, activities not available to you.
 
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Do you even use the word "polyamory" in the same way as your partner or potentials do? Would another form of non-monogamy suit you better than polyamory? Would you be doing multiple models of non-monogamy?

Do you have good agreement-making skills, conflict-resolution skills, intrapersonal skills, interpersonal skills?

What happens if you and partners do not agree on how open you want to be about the poly relationship with other people?

What happens if you and partners do not have the same approach or style, like, one is cautious and wants to do a lot of reading first, and another learns by doing and wants to just "jump in?" Other styles?

Do you live in area or work in a field where you being openly poly could cost you your home or job? People not wanting to rent to you? Promotions? Invite hate crime on you, your partners, or kids?

How about handling unwanted attention, advances, or rumors because "poly = slut/easy lay" in some people's minds?

What are your actual dealbreakers? Can you articulate them?

Do you have strong personal boundaries? Are you comfortable saying NO?

Here's an old thread that might help you in your thinking/reflection:


Galagirl
 
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Would you call your metamour if your hinge partner was unable to due to accident, illness or death?
 
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